Should I leave my cheating BPD girlfriend

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi all,

This is the first time I have ever posted on any kind of forum.

For the last 8 months I have been with a BPD sufferer and it has been the most traumatic experience of my life. Being with her has affected my friendships, my career, my health, my family. I have been beaten, abused, manipulated and yet all I have ever done is try to help her and love her.

Our relationship was cyclical, as in it would be amazing and then revert to being awful and back again. I have read that this is a familiar trait.

She has always continued to push the bar, making me jump higher and higher each time. But now she has gone too far and I am just not sure what to do.

My father became ill very suddenly, brain tumor and from start to finish it took only 12 weeks for him to pass. During this time I was with my family a lot. It is the first time in my relationship where the focus was not solely on my partner. She perceived this as being abandoned and somehow could not comprehend that I was not abandoning her but just needed to be there for my family and to say goodbye to my dad.

To cut a long story short, a new guy started in her office around this time and paid her a lot of attention. She lied about being single to him and after just 3 weeks of meeting him she went for a drink with him after work and was back at his place by 8pm. They had sex. They continued to talk every day over messenger which drove me insane with jealousy and paranoia. Eventually I found out two weeks after.

I am bereft. How could anyone do this to thier partner just weeks after their dad has died?

Now she is up in arms about it all and says she wants me to get over it so we can continue to build a life together. This guy is out of the picture having now learnt about me but they still see each other everyday which is very hard for me. Also, I now do not trust her one bit, this was going on for nearly a month without my knowledge while i was trying to arrange my dad's funeral... it's just horrific. But i know deep in my heart I can never forgive her for this. But at the same time I am finding it hard to leave her because she literally has no one (she destroys most of her relationships / friendships)

Essentially i would really appreciate some advice from people who have had to leave their BPD partners for similar reasons and how they managed to pry themselves away and move on. I am finding it incredibly difficult, I think because this person has removed so many people from my life that i feel quite alone and now without her I will be even more so. But i can never trust her again. I am completely disorientated from the repeated trauma of the relationship and now this last blow has really taken me down.

Any advice at all welcome

[Collaroy]

Hi all,

This is the first time I have ever posted on any kind of forum.

For the last 8 months I have been with a BPD sufferer and it has been the most traumatic experience of my life. Being with her has affected my friendships, my career, my health, my family. I have been beaten, abused, manipulated and yet all I have ever done is try to help her and love her.

Our relationship was cyclical, as in it would be amazing and then revert to being awful and back again. I have read that this is a familiar trait.

She has always continued to push the bar, making me jump higher and higher each time. But now she has gone too far and I am just not sure what to do.

My father became ill very suddenly, brain tumor and from start to finish it took only 12 weeks for him to pass. During this time I was with my family a lot. It is the first time in my relationship where the focus was not solely on my partner. She perceived this as being abandoned and somehow could not comprehend that I was not abandoning her but just needed to be there for my family and to say goodbye to my dad.

To cut a long story short, a new guy started in her office around this time and paid her a lot of attention. She lied about being single to him and after just 3 weeks of meeting him she went for a drink with him after work and was back at his place by 8pm. They had sex. They continued to talk every day over messenger which drove me insane with jealousy and paranoia. Eventually I found out two weeks after.

I am bereft. How could anyone do this to thier partner just weeks after their dad has died?

Now she is up in arms about it all and says she wants me to get over it so we can continue to build a life together. This guy is out of the picture having now learnt about me but they still see each other everyday which is very hard for me. Also, I now do not trust her one bit, this was going on for nearly a month without my knowledge while i was trying to arrange my dad's funeral... it's just horrific. But i know deep in my heart I can never forgive her for this. But at the same time I am finding it hard to leave her because she literally has no one (she destroys most of her relationships / friendships)

Essentially i would really appreciate some advice from people who have had to leave their BPD partners for similar reasons and how they managed to pry themselves away and move on. I am finding it incredibly difficult, I think because this person has removed so many people from my life that i feel quite alone and now without her I will be even more so. But i can never trust her again. I am completely disorientated from the repeated trauma of the relationship and now this last blow has really taken me down.

Any advice at all welcome

[Skip]

To cut a long story short, a new guy started in her office around this time and paid her a lot of attention. She lied about being single to him and after just 3 weeks of meeting him she went for a drink with him after work and was back at his place by 8pm. They had sex. They continued to talk every day over messenger which drove me insane with jealousy and paranoia. Eventually I found out two weeks after.

I am bereft. How could anyone do this to their partner just weeks after their dad has died?

Having these two hugely stressful events back to back has to be killing you... .it has to feel like betrayal on steroids. Hold on, this is going to be a hell of an emotional ride. Sorry you are facing this. You have friends here.

says she wants me to get over it so we can continue to build a life together

From her perspective, that makes sense - that is a typical reaction from a person wanting to get it behind them. Your reaction is also very typical coming from your perspective. There are ways to mend infidelity, but both partners have to realize that something be happened and they have to work together.  There a formulas for divorce recovery if you want to get into that.

My advice is not to make a life changing decision right at this time. It would be better to talk it through to see what you really want to do and how you can recover from this trauma.

[Hisaccount]

Like Skip said, don't make a decision right now. You will look at the incidents differently as time goes on.

In my situation my x said, let's talk about it now then never bring it up again. We did that. I really didn't want to know the details. Got them anyway.
That probably did more damage than good.

After that we moved on, but then the accusations of me being unfaithful started.
When I let it go and moved on, she couldn't.
Maybe it was the guilt killing her, maybe she felt like I had something on her. She was certainly different, maybe I wasn't upset enough or mean enough to her.

Either way, even though I let it go, it changed her. It changed our relationship. Who knows maybe that is what eventually destroyed it because it was early on in our relationship as well.

But all the years of accusations I felt like it was her way of trying to bring me down to her level. That she could feel okay about what she chose to do. Every accusation also reminded me of what she did and it would never die.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Collaroy, Welcome!  Eight months is a relatively short period of time to get to know someone well.  During that time, from what you describe, it's been quite turbulent and she's already had one affair.  You're not married, so you have the ability to make a change without court involvement.  My suggestion: focus on yourself and what is right for you.  Maybe you could spend a few days away with family or friends, without her.  It's important to keep in touch with those closest to you, because without them you can lose all perspective.

LuckyJim

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Collaroy-

I am very sorry about your dad's passing.  That's a horribly painful experience, and rather than being able to go through your grieving process with the loving support of your SO, it appears your BPD girlfriend has thrown the other parts of your life and your relationship into chaos.  Not easy at all... .

There are a lot of resources and tools on this site to assist you with obtaining a better understanding of BPD, caring for yourself and navigating your relationship.  A good place to start would be the topics shown on the right side of this page; but I believe with what you're going through, a priority is self-care.  Do you have the ability to see a therapist to assist you (not couples therapy, just you)?

There is a lot in your post.  I want to acknowledge that relationships with pwBPD traits can be very disorienting and confusing.  For many of us, we initially feel what we think is very deep love for and from our partners; and then as quickly as it was given, it is ripped away.  And we are left shattered.  Then many of us spend a good amount of time waiting for that magical lover to return.  In my case, I've seen glimpses (when he's afraid I'll close the door for good), but then the raging monster returns.  I had no idea that his behavior had a name until over 3.5 years into it.  Has your girlfriend been diagnosed BPD?  Is she doing therapy?  What brought you to our site?

I would ask for a bit of clarification:  you state that you have been "beaten", abused, manipulated... .  has she physically assaulted you?  If so, please know that being physically assaulted is NOT okay under ANY circumstances - even if you are a man who is much larger than your GF.  If you were to decide to exit the relationship, do you have any fear for your physical safety?

This is a very difficult time for you.  The infidelity is a huge and painful hurdle, and as Skip pointed out, you'll have to really work through that with your GF.   From my own experience, my ex-husband cheated on me BEFORE we were married.  We had been together 6 years when he cheated.  He's not BPD, he's an abusive Narc (best guess).  At any rate, he very thoughtfully did it right after I suffered severe injuries in a whitewater rafting accident (although his flirtation apparently began several months before the accident).  We went to therapy for a long time.   And then he begged me to marry him, which I did... .When I forgave him, I NEVER brought it up again.  And he began courting me all over again.   When he cheated our lives were completely intertwined and we owned a home together, so there was a good deal at stake.  Never once did he demand that I get over it.  The healing time represented one of the few periods of our 19-year relationship when he didn't emotionally "manhandle" me.  I will not say that I ever truly trusted him again.   Part of me became kind of aloof, I guess.  He was an adult.  And I'm smart enough to know I cannot tell an adult how to behave.  The one positive you have is at least the guy seemingly had some integrity.

You have been through a LOT.  Is it possible for you to give yourself some space?  That may help you to just catch your breath, move through your grieving of your dad, and take some time to look at the totality of your relationship.  Perhaps this would be the perfect time to reconnect with friends. 

Close friendships are vital to maintain, especially if you decide to remain in the relationship with your GF.   Self-care is very important and that includes making sure you don't become isolated from your life.  Many people in our community can attest to this.  You can be honest with your closest friends, tell them you NEED their support and you'll be pleasantly surprised at how they'll come through for you.  You simply need to ask.   Chances are also good that one of your friends may have experienced infidelity.

When we look at our relationships, we have to remember that regardless of the fact that our partner has BPD, they ARE adults.  They have the ability to control themselves, and opportunities to improve themselves and repair their relationships with family and friends.  My BPD BF has chosen to cut off every friend he ever had and has no contact with his kids.  If he had his way, I wouldn't have any friends either and I would be completely alienated from my family and my step kids.  Not going to happen!

It saddens me that For all intents and purposes my BPD ex is alone now (we separated again almost 3 weeks ago).   However, I am NOT responsible for the fact that people become dead to him.  And I will not and cannot be his only source of oxygen.   He's 59 years old.  Before me, He managed through a series of ST tumultuous relationships with women; and he'll do it again once he stops waiting for me to forgive him.  I will take responsibility for my actions, not his.  Because of his behavior and refusal to fulfill promises to "fix" himself, I have to walk away from someone I love (although that love has faded).  It hurts too much to be with him.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes