This is helping me a lot reading through these. Thank you for sharing.

I did all the same things, and all of them failed as well.  Still, you're fighting a state that's not equipped to handle mental health, so you have to keep playing the game.  She comes home, acts abusive, and you pick up the phone saying one simple phrase, "She's a threat to herself or others.  I do not feel safe."  They have to take her all over again.

Is that ridiculous?  Absolutely.  But it's ridiculous to your kid as well and it's a way to teach her that it's easier to be nice to mom than continually get committed.  It eventually made a difference in our situation.


Okay, so get video set up in your home.  You already did when she took the jacket, so do that again.  Put a camera in a few rooms of the house and confront her behavior.  If she screams at you and threatens, that's assault.  If she hits you (even slapping something out of your hand), that's battery.  Breaking your phone is destruction of property, and if your phone is over $600 it's a felony (in my state...your state could be anywhere from $500-2000 before it's a felony). 

These charges stick and it allows judges to play the game- usually in-patient stays of 30-60 days or more.  You have to realize that everyone is playing the broken mental health game- doctors, nurses, judges, social services, etc.

So play the game until she can't stand it anymore.  Maybe she leaves on her own- mission accomplished.  Maybe she spends the next year in mandated therapy.  You have to play the game though because you can't accept abuse.


My daughter did the same thing- we'd punish her and she'd punish us 10x harder.  That's when we escalated to the police and hospitals after every threat, every meltdown.  Things got so much worse by waiting and hoping, but we got serious when she was almost 18 (and at her worst).  She went to the hospital 6 or 7 times that year, with mandatory stays each time.


In your 1st sentence, you said that they returned her to you untreated.  That's not true- they did what they were supposed to do, but she wasn't interested in listening or trying.  This is on her, and until she's ready to take it seriously nothing will work.  That's why you have to be on the offensive here every time she lashes out; play the game until it's easier for her to take things seriously or leave than abuse you.

For the record, she doesn't see her destruction at all- she sees terrible parents that deserve her abuse.  It's pure entitlement and until you change, she has no reason to see things differently.  Again, you have to play the game....the stupid, broken, ineffective game.  It's all you have if you're not allowed to throw her out.

Hi

I seem to be going ok sometimes then I hit a big low. 

It's like the horrible just floods in and I can't stop it.  I'm not exactly sure what triggers it but something does.

I know it's a mindset I need to change but I don't know how. 

I do a job where people have to come to me to fix issues and in that I have realized they dump their anger on me, their stress, they angst and start demanding.  I had one guy who was so angry with me, where I was actually trying to sort his issues and he swore at me.  Before I knew it, I had delivered him one hell of a serve back.  I realized I had my ex piling on issues which never go away.  Solve one and she would have another one and it never ever stopped.  Everything becomes a massive issue.  One after the other and fixations that last months or even years.  I had her and the people I work with for years doing this to me.

I was so patient, tolerant, and now I am not.   It takes so much effort to stay calm, positive while you are being called negative.  Solving everyone's problems around me.   I know I get paid for that but not to be abused.  Not to deal with other people's stress.  I say something to these people about it and they can easily escalate that to higher level.

They call me on my holidays or weekends.  It's like everyone owns me.

Like people are oblivious to my existence.   I serve a purpose and that's all.

I feel my ex took part of me.   I don't even know who I am anymore.  She likes the same things I like.   Who liked them first I can't remember anymore. 

'Where the hell is love for me, kindness, support, tenderness, and who listens to my needs.   I got a fake who lied to me for years.  For that I was treated like a bit of trash.  I protected this person with my love and they abused that in the most despicable way. 

It's a mix of anger, deep hurt like people can't imagine.  Only people like you. 

It's like they find what your dreams are, make you believe they can give it then when they run out of reasons why they can't they blow your dreams up.  You uncovered their lie, and I think they are so ashamed they go out of their way to hate you so they can feel better about the brutality of their lies, because they are incredibly weak people.  They don't like weakness. 

Now I have to create new dreams.  I feel I can't create the same dreams that were destroyed.

If that makes sense.   I have to create a new way of life.   A new me.

I am not young anymore.  This is way harder than it would have been years ago.  I can't bounce back that quickly anymore and I don't have time to.   I need it to move faster. 

Spoke too soon. Tonight there was raging about being everyone's slave and then being "discarded"..... Then she went to lie down as needed some space while I sorted kids meals and bath time and tidied the days mess I didn't cause after a crap week of work. Is there no awareness?

Just came back from a family vacation with my daughter who has BPD.  She is a single Mom of 2 year old.  Huge blow out… she was completely out of control in front of her child. Police were called…. just awful. 

I am at a complete lost on how to stop or at least minimize these occurrences.

I am looking for any resources that can help me and our family

I am so sorry.
Many of us know how scary this is, and how you will be on “high alert” all the time.
A child threatening/attempting suicide is horrific for their parents, and there is little to no acknowledgement of this or support from health care teams.

I found tremendous comfort and support from doing an online (Zoom) Family Connections 13 week program with other parents with children with BPD. The primary focus is building skills in DBT, but the relief in talking with other parents was also important for me. To not feel so alone and inept, seemingly unable to make things any better.

You may want to see if that program might suit you too.

Caring for someone with BPD is not only about supporting them. You have to support yourself too.
❤️❤️❤️

I know the threats and they escalate.  My ex was never violent, but she likes to position herself to make herself the victim.

I told her that her veiled accusations I take as a threat and that is why I cannot be in contact.

I also know about being stuck with a life that is now over and they want to trap you in it.  

They don't want you, but they need someone who will take away the fears.  

Sometimes one-person isn't enough.  

The way to do is, to not start to break down what happened and seek closure.  I believe that was something I did wrong on reflection.  Because you can't get that kind of closure from someone with a mental illness.  You can't deal with their logic because that just causes more confusion for you.  

I just kept moving forward with closing finances, how that works legally, step by step and didn't stop.  I had to do everything, and she OMG put so many hurdles in the way.  It took me a year to get out of our house.  She had left me in.  Documents that had to be signed I had to ask twenty times. Get the comments.  I treat her like a child, I don't let her have space to do things she needs to.  She trusted me and I did the wrong thing.  Two months to sign a form.  It was a long long process.

When he finds out you moved his stuff he might unleash on you.  He will bring in trust issues and blame.

Have your message ready.  

Without telling what to say.   I would say....  I put your belongings into storage, so they are safe.  I have paid for the storage for a month so that gives you time to decide what you want to do with them.  Tell him how he is able to collect them.

I wouldn't put an ultimatum in there like I won't pay after a month or any comments like I wanted your stuff out of my house.  Because he will latch on to that and only that.   Then he will refuse to collect them to create a drama.

Keep records.  Get your text messages into a cloud storage.  Don't leave them on your phone.  You have that phone taken there goes your evidence.  Do not get angry, he wants you to get angry because that makes him feel better plus then he has something against you.  Make sure someone you trust knows exactly what is happening.

I find the messages do get into their heads after a while.    You just need to make them simple and not accusatory.

I told my ex that the most important thing is she is safe and I am.  That I want her to be safe, to do what she needs to keep herself safe.   We are not safe together and that is why I can't have contact with her.  I think that sinks in.  It's truthful and they have fears are about being safe, so they can relate to it.   That is isn't my job to create that safety for her, she has to do it.

I wouldn't tell you to go to the police or not.  I don't know.  

After this contact.  I would remove any way he can contact you.  If that means changing phone numbers, do it.  All your email addresses, all social media.  I would advise anyone he can call to get your new details that he might contact them.  They all need to have the same response for not giving out your details and prepared.  

I would actually tell him you will not be contacting him anymore and to please not contact you in anyway again.  Wrap it up in a nice bow.  Have a good life, you wish him well etc.  

Then you have a record.  Then if he does anything to break it, you have something tangible to take to the police.

CrazytownSA, that sounds like a good plan. Let us know how it goes and how you feel, reach out for support any time.

No need for apologies my friend! On the contrary, I greatly value these exchanges and am immensely grateful for this space where we can all share  .

It does make sense in my situation. Today, I feel happy . I see the light at the end of the tunnel. I understand that this feeling may not last forever, but I am working towards having the tools to navigate whatever situations life throws at me.


Ah, boundaries. You and me both `don`t get this stuff right`  . Here is my thinking right now:
- I pondered how I am as a person. I am very soft, sensitive, and appeasing. I like to dote on people, and during conflict I want to bridge the divide by going towards the other person. For a long time, I wanted to be different; I wanted to be strong and be able to put people in their place. While I can certainly work on becoming more assertive, I love myself as I am. He certainly does have a valid point in saying that someone who is more like my second description may be what he needs in a partner. I don`t think I can provide that, and it`s okay;
- I also realized that a lot of what I was categorizing as romantic feelings for him would better be considerd unresolved feelings. The time we truly seperated (which I consider to be when he started his latest relationship) was honestly pretty traumatizing for me. I have since forgiven him for the things he said, for my own sake (I don`t even think he remembers), but when I view those emotions as being a tether in my brain to the past, I realize that I wouldn`t want to be with him now, either;
- Of course, there is some hesitancy in these realizations. Their timing is a little opportunistic in the sense that if having romantic feelings for him was what was getting in the way of talking to him, well now I have this reasoning that allows for me to bypass that and be there for him;
- So, back to boundaries. I think that if I maintain my role as support, and not friend with him, I am okay. That`s an important distinction. Again, it`s not super clear, as after I told him I can be his support he said that he doesn`t feel comfortable. Then he said that he will sit with it. Then he sent me an article about BPD, and we`ve been exchanging a couple of thoughts. It`s honestly pretty similar to an exchange we`d have here on the forum. My T said it is important for me to ponder what boundaries would serve me, what obstacles might come up (even if it`s something like I`d feel distressed and anxious). Time will tell, and I`m paying attention to how I feel. I feel supported by her, and by this community.

@Pook075 I've had her arrested.  I have had her hospitalized.  The state gave her back to me, untreated and said I am the problem.  I've had ACS called three times. Each time, after really talking in depth to both of us, looking at evidence from both of us, having us do family therapy, where she dropped out and I maintained it, they said, "Yeah, she's the problem, but we can't do anything to help you."  More or less. She's under 21, and in my state, I need a judge from family court to allow her to be removed from my home. In order to do that, I have to build a case that has VIDEO evidence of her doing things to me.  One can imagine how difficult it can be to get that. The minute my phone gets out, is the minute it's knocked out of my hand and smashed. 

I'm not dealing with a normal person. She gave away her phone, and I let her sit without one for six months. It was more hassle for me that it seemed for her.  Her whole life, she would revel in sitting in her own consequences, and then later use this to prove her abuse and martyrdom. Her current narrative  is how I had her sent to the mental hospital and manipulated everyone to hold a perfectly sane girl in holding.  As if a trained psychiatrist didn't have to make that call. 

I feel like the only call that can be is complete seperation for good or until she gets treatment and sees the destruction she has brought to our relationship. But getting there, I don't know how I can get there with her.  This is why I keep trying.