Interaction after separation or divorce

[RedBaron789]

I have been married to a "volatile" woman for many years. Her drama severely damaged all her relationships, and her interaction with me finally grew so unbearable I left.

Very "long story short", I moved out eight months ago, and I am now finalizing a legal separation.

Despite all the history, however, I am still concerned about her, and I don't want her to feel totally abandoned. Her emails and texts are both toxic and removed from any reality I can make sense of, but I would like to offer her as much support as I can.

My question to this community is whether continued interaction is likely to help either of us.

[Mutt]

Hi RedBarn789,



I’d like to welcome you to bpdfamily. I’m glad that you’ve joined us, that’s a good question. Are you divorcing without the chance of reconciliation? Are either of you in new r/s’s?

[ForeverDad]

My lawyer told me — when we first met and I inquired about Legal Separation — that in his entire career he had done only two separations and neither were ones involving conflict.  He said that one was LS rather than D simply so his ex could continue to have health insurance, otherwise they were done with each other.  If you are in the USA and she is close to 65, then be aware most insurance ends at 65 and the person has to go to Medicare anyway.

So is there any risk of future conflict?  As much as you care for her, an adult, what is the risk for YOU?  :)id your lawyer answer whether any of her financial missteps could backfire onto you?  Could her lenders or creditors come chasing after you?  Clearly, a LS would prevent you from remarrying.  :)o you entertain the possibility of marrying again?

[Panda39]

My question to this community is whether continued interaction is likely to help either of us.

"Help" you in what way?


Panda39

[RedBaron789]

Reconciliation is theoretically possible. I'm not in a new relationship, but I don't know about her.

[ForeverDad]

For many here, reconciliation would have meant going back to the same old relationship, scenarios and situations.  Eventually the event to paused the relationship would have occurred again, given enough time.  That's a truism we have around here, if a relationship has faced threats or even contemplation of threats and allegations, then it will happen again, given enough time.

Sorry, it's probably a personality disorder and that just doesn't disappear, well, not without serious therapy and diligent application in the person's life, thinking, perceptions and behaviors.  A few sessions is not enough either.  For example, imagine one of your own less admirable traits.  Picture how hard it would be for you to improve despite you trying to improve.  Now picture her doing something to improve herself, picture how hard she would deny and fight not to do that.  Long term therapy, with real application of the counsel and maybe, just maybe, in many months or a few years she may be considered to be truly on the path toward recovery.

What I'm saying is that reconciliation without her addressing her issues could just put you back where you were.  What would have changed to avoid another separation?

[livednlearned]

I'm sorry you're going through this RB. To have filed a legal separation suggests things were pretty bad. I hope you're doing ok,
finding ways to take care of yourself.

I don't want her to feel totally abandoned.

Sadly, if she has BPD, she will feel abandoned even if you stay  

It's like there is a library of abandonments deposited over her lifetime, each one adding to the collection, proving how hard it is to trust someone. 

The skills that could help are non-intuitive and must be learned. Often it is the people they love most who trigger their emotions the most, which puts us in a strange bind.

Her emails and texts are both toxic and removed from any reality I can make sense of, but I would like to offer her as much support as I can.

She may be dysregulating -- it can take a longer time than normal for someone with BPD to return to baseline. Are you responding to the texts or emails?

My question to this community is whether continued interaction is likely to help either of us.

Can you tell us a little more about the relationship? People with BPD are people and the traits express in different ways depending on the person. I remember reading that the combination of criteria (5 out of 9) create over 1000 possibilities. Some are more dangerous than others.

It's good you're taking a breather and assessing the situation, and taking care of yourself. It's also good that you care about her. It's always painful when we have to make hard choices.

[RedBaron789]

Sorry to everyone for my limited response. I seem to be having trouble finding the appropriate "reply" buttons.

Several things were brought up.

1) Legal Separation is a divorce that leaves you "married". (Really!) You are divorced for legal and financial purposes, but you can't remarry because, technically, you are still married. It is used primarily by people with religious difficulties relating to divorce, but others use it in special situations. I used it because I am still concerned about my wife and I thought it would seem less like abandonment.  I wanted to reduce her anxiety as much as possible both as a kindness to her and in an effort to avoid a long (expensive) court battle.

2) I am not a psychologist, but I have known for years that my wife's behavior matched the DSM guidelines for BPD, and I was in the room once when a psychiatrist said her behavior suggested BPD.

3) She is still in full denial, however, and my understanding is that therapy takes a long time and goes nowhere unless the subject realizes what she is dealing with and wants to mitigate it.

4) Since my departure, she has started AA and is winding down the wine, pot and Adderall. I also think she is seeing a therapist, but I don't know how long that will last and I suspect it is not about a personality disorder.

5) A while back, the courts monitored her for over a year and insisted on random testing for alcohol and other substances, but the day she completed the monitoring, she was out buying wine again... .So I'm not at all confidant that eight months of AA, etc, will produce permanent change.

On the other hand, her Jekyll side can be charming and I don't want to leave her alone in the world. I have heard all about codependency, etc, and frankly I don't care. My wife is a human being with unfortunate wiring and I have a very hard time leaving her out in the cold.

 

[livednlearned]

I admire you for your compassion.

If I had a child with BPD, I would be grateful that someone like you cared, and I would respect you for being willing to take care of yourself.

My wife is a human being with unfortunate wiring and I have a very hard time leaving her out in the cold.

When she communicates with you, how do you respond? Some skills that can be useful (mostly proactively) include validation, and SET (support, empathy, truth). If you've had a chance to use them, have they been helpful?

The other important skills for a BPD loved one all focus on boundaries. For example, a codependent response to a suicide threat might be to give in to whatever it is she wants as a way to try and stabilize her, which might work in the short-term but makes things worse in the long-term. An assertive response might be validating how awful she feels, asking her if something happened to her that day, and then, if necessary, reminding her that (as you discussed with her before) you are not skilled in suicide ideation and will have to call 911 to make sure she is safe. Or, in other scenarios, perhaps you tell her that you are willing to engage with her when she is sober and regulated. If she is experiencing difficult emotions and using alcohol or rage to try and manage, you have to take care of yourself when that happens and will walk away until you're certain she has found a healthy way to regulate her emotions.

There are a lot of skills that can help, whether you live with her or not. The bettering a relationship board has a lot of people working through the skills, and NEA-BPD Family Connections sometimes offers peer-led classes depending on where you live.

What are some of the behaviors you are most concerned about at the moment?

[ForeverDad]

Some states make it easy to convert a Legal Separation into a Divorce.  Did your lawyer explain how that might be possible?  I ask because seeking a minimal impact ending isn't as easy as you may wish.  She may still view that smaller link (still married but separated) as a reminder of her deeply emotional baggage with you.

Sometimes we feel we want some nice Closure that wraps our feelings up in a neat tidy package.  She may never grant you that.  It is remarked here that many of us have to settle for granting ourselves Closure.