Ah yes, this is what I call Mother in my head. The voice was relentless and though I still hear it, it has gotten much better. It seems to be fairly common here on the board so know you are not alone. It is an expected result after decades of abuse. Of course their voices will still be in your head.
Hi Harri,
Thank you for your reply. Yup it's both uBPD/NPD mother and uNPD father in my head. It sucks. My increase of self-awareness has been both a blessing and a curse. I had no idea it was common and I am so thankful you told me that it was. Is there somewhere on here I can read about it, just for a quick validation to know I'm not alone and hear how others dealt with it?
I now have a better understanding as to my own OCD, tension, unhealthy reactions. I'm trying to have awareness of "the abusive parent in my head" because I think I've spent my life trying to desperately run away from it, which causes the OCD, tension, unhealthy reactions, etc.
The other day, I was able to calmly tell my husband about a recent occurrence after I broke a bottle of juice at the grocery store, when immediately my uNPD's dad's critical raging voice appeared to beat me up. He was able to empathize because his father, who was extremely verbally abusive, used to be that critical voice in his head. He also explained the difference between someone who "hears voices" vs someone who has a critical parent in their head, so that was really helpful, too, since I was concerned I must be crazy or something, .
I was limited contact with my mother until she died in 2007. Even after her death, which provides the ultimate and unbreakable No Contact, I still hear/heard her voice. So i do not think NC is the cure, though it may help in your case.
I'm not sure. It might be too late to go NC at this point. VLC helped me a lot to work on myself and be out of the FOG. I think I will still hear their voice even after death and they'll know it. I think my uBPD/NPD's mother still hears her own uBPD/NPD's mother's voice because she's still completely off her rocker. Same with my dad. I wonder if that's why a lot of people subconsciously turn to drinking or other addictions/compulsions, to drown out "that abusive and critical parent's voice".
The things that I have found helpful is to know that hearing her voice did not mean I was crazy. It was simply the result of too much abuse for too long.
This helps me a lot. I was scared of that, yet I knew deep inside that it didn't mean that I was "hearing voices" but just all that programming and brainwashing was effecting me. It's so different from having an abusive boyfriend vs abusive parents/siblings, because an abusive boyfriend is usually a shorter time frame. A sheer lifetime of an abusive family almost feels engrained and has been much harder to get passed. So I thank you for saying "the result of too much abuse for too long". It really does wear you down.
Also, rather than trying to block her voice and image of her face from my mind, I try to force myself to sit with it, notice the voice, negate the voice and remind myself that I am in a much better position and no longer am at her mercy. Again, I have not completely stopped it from happening, but I have improved greatly. It is hard to sit with her face front and center in my head, but the more I do it, the less of an emotional and even physical reaction I have to it. So yes, running from it will not help.
I'm not sure because I haven't delved into this with my therapist--just surface stuff about it--but I am thinking this is the root of a lot of things. My not allowing their voice to just be, and all the fighting of trying to run from it has caused much more harm than good.
I do not know why I let it be so powerful still. I react to it the same exact way I reacted to it as an absolutely terrified kid/teen. They can't hurt me anymore. It's all nonsense now. I don't have to listen to it anymore. They can scream and carry on in my head or in person and it shouldn't have to phase me one bit.
HOW do you allow yourself to sit with her face front and center in your head? Her face terrifies me more than anything. It was the worst part of her ear-piercing rages for me. Even worse than being cornered physically in a room with no escape during the rage. She'd slap me and yank on my hair and it stung and hurt but the pain of that face was much worse. I would've rathered been beaten than to see that face. Remember Medusa's face from Greek history? It was like being a millimeter away from that.
My therapist wants me to "agree" with their voice. I told him that that's like telling me to run into their arms if they're acting insane, when all I want to do is run away from them. This has been such a struggle for me. I feel like someone is telling me to run smack head on into a fire, telling me that that's what will put it out! I want to believe it but it's very scary.
My uNPD dad (or like my husband refers to him, "he's not just a narcissist. He's a 'RAGING' narcissist" (you'd have to experience my dad to understand) was yelling in my head immediately after my therapy session. [To explain my dad for a moment, he often goes into these raging, ranting, vents about something as simple as my not closing the lid on something tight enough--really minor things. And he will spew on every single detail about something really minor that he's livid about. I used to joke that spilling a glass of milk in my childhood home was a federal offense.] I suddenly agreed with "his voice". I told him that he was right. All of a sudden, it shrunk and went away. Powerful stuff.
Work on erasing the 'should have' phrase from your thinking. It puts too much pressure and places unrealistic responsibility on you. How could you have stopped them from treating you as a sounding board if that was all you knew?  :)on't judge your behaviors then based on knowledge you gained after the fact. If you notice yourself saying that in your head or thinking it, switch it and say If I knew then what I know now I could have chosen differently. it is okay though because I can work through this and improve things for myself (or whatever works for you).
Thank you for that reminder. "Should have's" get me no where but anger toward myself and blaming myself for not being able to deal with these insane people sooner in a healthier way. I love this: ":)on't judge your behaviors then based on knowledge you gained after the fact." That is such a cool way of looking at it. Thank you. I've got to remember to live in the moment. I can do better going forward.
Hope this helps some. You might want to read about the inner critic at Pete Walkers' website. I believe there is also a thread started by Kwamina on this board titled the same.
Thank you for the helpful suggestions! I will look into both of these.
in gratitude,
PFW