Unringing the bell

[waverider]

Luckily I recognized these almost OCD type traits of BPD. Now i deliberately break patterns and obsessions to try to prevent precedents being set and 'treats' becoming standard routine. Creates lots of little sulks, but better than building it up to the big confrontation due to a developed sense of entitlement.

Keep a treat a treat. Or it will end up like a child who expects candy for breakfast everyday

[maryy16]

Great topic!

I too am reminded of every perceived slight against him I've ever made. No amount of apologies, explanations will make him understand or forget those incidents. But he most surely does forget the good things I do.

Can't tell you how many times I've heard him sarcastically say to me, "Have you or have you not done... ." Or "you yourself admitted... ."

I have found that apologies only lead to the above statements. To him, my apologies are admissions of guilt, and they just give him more ammunition against me for later arguments.

[Oooohm]

I have found that apologies only lead to the above statements. To him, my apologies are admissions of guilt, and they just give him more ammunition against me for later arguments.

This is what I meant by "Apology Phobia"

Early years spent apologizing for everything she demanded gave her the ammunition to call me a horrible person... .

Fast Forward to recent years: I don't apologize for anything at all ever... .(Nor make any promises or committal statements on anything ever)... .now she has no ammunition and I am a good person (White) most of the time.       IRONIC.

[waverider]

I have found that apologies only lead to the above statements. To him, my apologies are admissions of guilt, and they just give him more ammunition against me for later arguments.

This is what I meant by "Apology Phobia"

Early years spent apologizing for everything she demanded gave her the ammunition to call me a horrible person... .

Fast Forward to recent years: I don't apologize for anything at all ever... .(Nor make any promises or committal statements on anything ever)... .now she has no ammunition and I am a good person (White) most of the time.       IRONIC.

This might create a combative environment for most people. It is far better to be more aware, clear and centered in what you are actually apologizing for, as non of us are perfect.

We are trying to create peace not win a war. I am surprised this works for you