Belittling

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My stbexH is forever telling me that I do not 'answer' properly when he asks me something - either speaking too soft or nowadays he just says I did not answer him at all ... .     I know this sounds stupid,  but forever repeating yourself when someone is ignoring or physically blocking out what you are saying is very frustrating... .  the kids then tell him that I did answer and what I said, and he can hear them well enough!  If ever I answer in a louder voice than my normal tone, I get accused of 'screaming' at him... .  

You just cannot win... .  

Wow now that hits close to home! my ex ended up doing that too starting about 4/5 months before it all ended, one minute accusing me of mumbling or talking to her when she was in the other room and not speaking loud enough or clear enough (when that used to be fine and anyone would have been able to hear each other fine) and then repeating it and getting yelled at or told off for yelling or being stern or whatever... .  and then the reply would always be based on the anger or frustration from the delivery of the communicaiton... .  no win situation... .  

[oricle]

My stbexH is forever telling me that I do not 'answer' properly when he asks me something - either speaking too soft or nowadays he just says I did not answer him at all ... .     I know this sounds stupid,  but forever repeating yourself when someone is ignoring or physically blocking out what you are saying is very frustrating... .  the kids then tell him that I did answer and what I said, and he can hear them well enough!  If ever I answer in a louder voice than my normal tone, I get accused of 'screaming' at him... .  

You just cannot win... .  

Wow now that hits close to home! my ex ended up doing that too starting about 4/5 months before it all ended, one minute accusing me of mumbling or talking to her when she was in the other room and not speaking loud enough or clear enough (when that used to be fine and anyone would have been able to hear each other fine) and then repeating it and getting yelled at or told off for yelling or being stern or whatever... .  and then the reply would always be based on the anger or frustration from the delivery of the communicaiton... .  no win situation... .  

[Validation78]

I think we all will agree that being belittled is harmful to us. The questions are why do we allow it, and what can we do to make it less harmful to us? We know we cannot control what another person does, however we can control how we respond. So, we acknowledge how someones comments make us feel, and we respond in a healthy, appropriate manner. Many of us here use practice mindfulness. Here's a link to explore the concept which makes it very understandable and when used, very helpful.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=64749.msg619341#msg619341

Best Wishes,

Val78

[Sango216]

Hi Matt81!

Yes, I experienced a lot of it. 

He's two years older than I am and I still live at home with my parents because I'm a college student and it's just easier to stay here.  Anyway, I sometimes got the feeling that he took me for a baby if that makes sense.  One day he told me "You've got to ask your Mommy and Daddy for everything."  I tried to explain to him that I didn't have to ask them anything, but curfew is curfew.  If I'm staying here for free, not paying any bills or rent, of course I have to abide by their rules, no matter how stupid I think they are.  Then when we were talking about marriage, he said "I'm older than you so I'm at a point in my life where I wouldn't mind getting married.  We just want different things right now."  Um... .  you're two years older than I am and you aren't even 24 yet... .  ?

He also made it seem as though I'm the most boring, lame person ever.  His idea of getting me to send him inappropriate photos was "You don't like to do anything out of your comfort zone.  You never do.  All you do is go to the same place, do the same things, and now you won't do this one thing."  I'll admit, I do a lot of the same things, but he didn't have to make me feel bad for being a simple girl whose idea of a good time is a movie and food.

Then here's the kicker:

"Well babe, this is the first picture you've ever sent me that I don't like.  You look sort of fat."

"I don't normally like girls with curly hair.  I mean, my best friend has curly hair, but hers looks different because she's mixed."

"Of course I like your hair because it reminds me of my pubes!"

Wow.  You know, it took multiple people to tell me that this was verbal/emotional abuse in order for me to actually get it.  Yeah, the things he said hurt my feelings, but I didn't realize it actually had a name.

[leftbehind]

I'm so sorry you went through that, Sango216.  Sounds like you will be way better off without him!

[Sango216]

Hi there Leftbehind.

Thank you.  I think you're right.  I feel a lot better now that we haven't talked in a while.