Hi,
My husband is not diagnosed with bpd, but recently reading in to it, it feels suddenly like things make sense, and reading advice on these forums has been eye opening for me. I am making a list of strategies to try.
He has always had anger issues, which he admits to, but has always been resentful of any suggestion of therapy. He is from a conservative culture with a lot of stigma attached to mental health needs.
He has always had outbursts, and blocks and stonewalls people. He holds on to a lot of resentment. He has difficulty maintaining long term friendships, he will have one friend constantly by his side then all of a sudden they are out. He pushes away most of his family.
He has always had angry, silent periods with me, but it feels they are getting more severe, occurring more frequently, lasting for longer (months at a time), and triggered by smaller things. His previous outburst was because I asked a question about finances. He then didn't speak to me for 2 months, and only started again as I was nearly deported from the country where we live because he wasn't supporting my visa application.
It often takes a huge event like that to pull him out. He was ignoring his mother until she ended up in icu with (stress induced) high blood pressure.
He also has alcohol issues, he was sober for nearly a year until this latest outburst, but has started drinking again. He made himself dangerously ill with drinking previously. I understand the frustration that he feels he quit and nothing in his life improved, so he may as well drink. But he is not dealing with or facing the reasons why he drinks.
His most recent outburst started a month ago. There was no obvious preceeding trigger, certainly no fight or angry words. He has had a medical issue that has been chronic and causing him discomfort, and I think he blames me for it, or feels I am not supportive enough. I have done what I can, but it is not in my power to cure it. So, he suddenly became angry, he won't let me stay or sleep in the same room as him. He said he needs space, and has shouted this at me while holding a hand in my face. I have not got angry, though I did ask him to stop slamming doors which caused him to get more angry and swear at me, which he doesn't usually do. I have sent him a message to say I am ready to talk when he is. I say hello, and occasionally ask small questions, which he either ignores or gives a painful one word response to. He is drinking again, coming home around 2pm, and then leaving in the morning without speaking. I don't know whether to continue to respect his need for space, or whether to force a showdown which will be explosive. He has never been violent to me, but the anger in his eyes scares me, as much for him as me. He has high blood pressure, and his face is puffy and unhealthy.
We live with his elderly mother who he is also ignoring, and she is devastated too. He talks briefly to out (10 year old) daughter when he actually sees her. But she is smart and emotionally intelligent, and this affects her too.
He just doesn't seem able to climb down or even to verbalise why he is angry. In the past he has told me that he feels no one cares about him. The whole household tiptoes around him, and I am now learning that this isn't helpful. I have a gentle and timid nature, and hate conflict. This is making me so sad, and I want to help him, but I just can't get through the wall.
Any help would be appreciated. Thank you so much
|