New Relationship

[PurpleYou3]

I honestly don't know how to start this because I've never been involved with someone who has BPD.

I've done the research on the diagnosis but there isn't much on how to handle being in a relationship with someone who has BPD. 

My bf and I have been together for about a good month but we've talked for over two months before we decided to pursue a relationship together. Once we started dating he started to spilt and have these moments where he will call me ever mean name in the book.

I would let him speak his mind because I felt like he didn't have a place where he could be safe and say what he needed. I know he doesn't mean the words he is saying because he wanting to get a reaction out of me.

I just needed a safe place to speak and ask questions to other people who are going through the same thing because i do not want to give up on him since i have so much care for him and i want to see him succeed. I want to understand more on how i can make him more open to setting boundaries when he is spiraling and overthinking out relationship. Another would to be hear others who are going through a new relationship with a partner with BPD

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[UnbalancedForce]

Hi! You seem like a sweet caring soul. I would navigate to this part of the site:    

RELATIONSHIP TOOLS
How to Stop Reacting
Ending Cycle of Conflict
Listen with Empathy
Don't Be Invalidating
Values and Boundaries
On-Line CBT Program

There is a lot on here to do like learning not to J.A.D.E. and use S.E.T. instead when communicating. He will not be open to boundaries unfortunately that will be on you. You have to make him respect yours and be willing to walk away and have consequences. Lead by example per say. He is stuck in trauma from his formative years and his maladaptive coping mechanisms will just get worse if you don't curb them. I know people will speak up and comment on this and there is many articles in the forum you can search for in the search bar. I just wanted to say you are not alone! I do want to add that you can not change him or make him help himself. He has to want to do this for himself as relationships are 50/50. If he is not willing, it will not work out. When you let him treat you like this it is only going to get worse. The intermittent reinforcement of the love/hate cycle will put you into the F.O.G. (Fear, obligation, guilt). In my experience you need to make sure you are in tip top mental condition and really search yourself for any codependency traits you may have. I didn't think I had these issues in my case but boy, was I wrong! You are still in the honeymoon phase and he is emotionally abusing you, it only gets worse from here as he starts devaluing you as you don't hold your boundaries. It is awesome you understand to follow his actions and not his words but trying to manipulate you to get a reaction is unhealthy as you know. I am not trying to be negative and I don't know your situation but it usually plays out the same in most situations. It is awesome you are being proactive. He is lucky to have you. Here is a link for some more info for you. The main key is to preserve your emotional health and be his emotional caretaker while staying strong and balanced. It is not for the faint of heart but there are many success stories on here. Welcome to the site and I hope you get something out of it! 

 https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=347836.0