No amount of attention is enough…

[PhoenixKnight]

Hey all, I’m sorry I just need to vent.

My partner of 3 years suffers with crippling anxiety and it’s impossible to navigate. It’s been going on for 3 years now and is not getting any easier. The first 2 years her fight-or-flight was triggered constantly. She would either erupt into screaming tirades or break up with me for failing to meet her needs. We separated 9 times in 2 years, each time she came back asking for another chance stating she would get help.

Our last break up was last summer, and we were apart for quite a long time (3 months). We didn’t talk often but I got pulled back in as usual. The 2 years prior she was working with a therapist, but spent that time (rightly) dealing with the trauma of an awful childhood and a significant sexual assault from her teen years. They didn’t really touch upon how she acts in romantic relationships. When getting back together she said she wanted to change, and in one regard she has, as she hasn’t ‘ended’ our relationship when triggered since reconciling in august. She does however still switch in an instant and can be very accusatory.

I have learned that any perceived criticism of her (even if I’m not criticising her) leads to intense reactions of shame and she doesn’t hold back. She is now comfortable in speaking when triggered, but unless I take all blame (even when what she is saying just seems mind bending), she says I’m starting fights if I calmly try to say my side. It’s making me ill. She says I turn everything onto her, which I actively try not to do because I have been told it so many times. It’s so difficult to sit and hear all these things I have or haven’t done, almost daily, without having a way to communicate back. I can see why she would think I ‘turn everything around’, because sitting and absorbing criticism constantly means eventually I defend my corner. Usually she is having a go at me for things she does herself. I feel like the worst partner in the world when I know I’m being so kind and patient.

This last few weeks I am at my wits end with her telling me I don’t ‘reassure’ her enough. I am constantly reassuring her. I tell her she is beautiful and sexy she is, that I’m punching above my weight, kissing her, instigating cuddles everyday. I physically cannot do more. She rarely asks about me or my life, never says anything positive about me, and rarely instigates sex for ‘fear of rejection’. She says she’s feels disgusting, and I don’t do enough to make her feel beautiful. She is a very attractive girl, and has amassed a huge Instagram following recently with a running page. It’s like she is addicted to the validation, which I don’t mind as she is very respectful of herself and our relationship on there. She says we don’t have sex enough, but it is 3-4 times a week on average, all instigated by me.

Her friend pulled me to one side last week and asked why I don’t give her attention or reassurance, telling me ‘just tell her she looks nice, take her out for a meal or buy her some flowers’. I honestly do this OFTEN, but it’s not that simple. Nothing is landing and I just don’t understand. I’m exhausted and physically cannot give any more. I feel like I’m banging my head against a wall.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[Joaquin]

Reading your post is like reading my own experience verbatim from the first 2 years of my relationship with my uBPDw.

There are a few hallmarks of BPD playing out for you.

1. Distorted perception of reality. For you, facts = facts. For pwBPD, their feelings = facts. She is incapable of perceiving objective reality the way you do bc her feelings are so deep and consuming that she can’t see past them. This results in you feeling like you’re banging your head against the wall bc you’re giving a mountain of love and validation and she only feels a tiny portion of that before quickly returning to her feelings of deprivation.

2. Intense fear of abandonment/rejection and lack of identity. This is maybe the defining feature of BPD. She needs more reassurance than you can possibly give, but no matter how much you give it’ll never be enough bc that emotional dysfunction lives inside her.

3. Blame/projection. She can’t regulate or manage her difficult emotions like you can. She’s not capable. So her coping method is to give them to you, basically to see you as the cause and blame you and expect you to cure them. To her, if you only gave more love she wouldn’t have to feel these horrible feelings. But that’s wrong. You’re not the cause and she’ll feel them no matter how much you give. And she’ll resent you for not making her feelings go away.

4. Emotional blackmail. This comes in the form of fear, obligation, guilt (FOG). That’s the magic combo that conditions you to let go of yourself and your health and prioritize her and her feelings above you. It turned me into an emotional slave and a physical servant and did incredible emotional damage to me and my health. You say you feel ill. That’s bc one of the unhealthiest things we can do is suppress ourselves, but that’s exactly what pwBPD will make you do to try to fulfill their unfulfillable needs. Deep emotional void/emptiness is another part of BPD. They’ll try to use you to fill it but it won’t work and will destroy you as long as you let them control you. Remember, this isn’t them being evil, it’s them tryna survive with a broken emotional machine.

5. Karpman triangle. She can only see herself as a victim and you as either persecutor or rescuer. This is why no matter how nice you are she can still see you as a villain wronging her, which makes you feel like you’re going insane. Again, she can’t see your actions objectively, only her incurable emotions. She hold you accountable for any slight whether real or imagined, and she feels victimized. That’s an easier coping method than taking responsibility for her own emotions and feeling guilt for her actions. You are the scapegoat.

You need to accept that you are NOT responsible for her feelings, only for your actions. Then learn to set those limits (lots of resources on this site). She will fight against any limit setting and see it as you wronging her and taking something away. In a sense you are taking something away, but it’s something that was never healthy for you to give in the first place.

This will eat away at your health until you see it for what it is, reclaim ownership over yourself, and protect yourself. Giving yourself permission to have your own thoughts and feelings again even if she sees it as an abandonment or rejection is hard but necessary. Reclaim yourself.

[PhoenixKnight]

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond with such a long and thoughtful reply.

I have been in relationships in the past (6 and 7 years) and everything was just ‘normal’. The odd disagreement, but healthy. There were never personal attacks or screaming matches/smashing glass/threats of self harm. Writing those words down, I can’t believe this is my life. I’ve just come to accept it. But within 3 months of being in this relationship it felt off. I found myself thinking I was going crazy. I was Googling her behaviour, trying to figure out what was happening. I came across various illnesses; Bipolar, ADHD, PTSD, but none of them really ‘fit’. Then I came across BPD and it was like a lightbulb in my head. Every single one of the 9 traits were there is quite alarming clarity.

For the first 18 months I tried to get her to seek help for her past, but didn’t mention BPD. I was hoping she could get some support and better coping methods. I supported her through her therapy (which she got free from work), and she deemed herself cured (8 sessions). I was dubious, but was desperate to believe she was. Her therapist said to her she would likely need prolonged support, but that wasn’t an option.

In September she had another episode where she lost control and started cutting her legs open and threatening all sorts. I managed to convince her to speak to a doctor on the NHS, as she knew there was still an issue. We waited 6 months for her assessment, which I was banking on helping us move forward.

When it came, it was a 45 minute chat with a doctor who quickly concluded ‘you are normal, you just have a few traits of various things. But don’t worry, everyone has traits of something’. She was in a good place when she had the meeting, and is a very respectable and well presented young woman. The doctor asked when she becomes angry, and she said ‘when I’m with my partner’. By this time I had mentioned BPD, but I tried my best to be as supportive and kind as I could when explaining my suspicions. I just wanted her not to be in pain and to get the support she needs. It was hard to watch her flit from hating me, to hating herself. The Dr said to her that it sounds like I am the problem and she needs to ‘reconsider the relationship’. I thought that was a bit unfair for someone to say with no context or no input from me. Now she says I gaslit her and made her feel crazy. I understand why she’d say that, but it’s so hard to take. I feel like there is nowhere left to turn, other than to swallow the abuse as she has been to see a professional for an assessment.

The relationship is insane. I’m constantly told I’m not a man, I am pathetic, I’m a child, I’m defensive, I’m too sensitive. She screams bloody murder at me, smashes up my house, self harms and threatens to tell paramedics I ‘did it to her’ if I say I’m calling for help. I’ve never felt so worthless. Then, the next day, she wants children, marriage, I’m too good for her, she doesn’t know why I love her, I’ll leave her. Every day is another emotion on this rollercoaster.

Sorry again for ranting. I don’t feel like I can talk to my friends or family anymore because I’m embarrassed I’m putting up with it. I used to talk to them, but feel they will hate her if I do. I just needed to get this out because my brain just feels like it’s going to explode. Tonight she has just sent me a message saying she doesn’t feel loved and she gets more attention from random people than her own boyfriend. I have literally just paid thousands taking her to Ibiza, arranging a surprise 30th birthday party with 26 of her family, and have paid a substantial amount for her daughters birthday. I brought flowers home from work yesterday and spent over an hour trying to make her feel better because she fell out with her best friend. Now I’m being told I don’t love her because I didn’t try to have sex with her last night when we went to bed. Apparently I need to ‘try harder’. I’ve ended up having to leave the house as I’m physically shot.

[Joaquin]

Don’t apologize for ranting. I rant here all the time. I’m here for you as are many others. We’re going through an insane shared experience and we need each other.

Again, reading everything you wrote it’s like you’re inside my head. I also felt like I was going nuts comparing to past (healthy) relationships. I also don’t talk to friends/family about this bc I don’t want them to hate her. My wife isn’t an explosive rager (unconventional BPD) while it sounds like your partner is a textbook conventional pwBPD.

I need to validate you on a few things. First, I completely understand that you talked to her about BPD not to gaslight or shame her but only out of good intentions to help her. It’s not gaslighting when there’s a real, serious psychological disorder like BPD. That doctor was flat out wrong, but pwBPD can be VERY good at getting even experienced therapists to validate them and side with them. BPD is unfortunately often misdiagnosed or missed completely. As far as I know my wife’s T hasn’t figured out that she has BPD. I wish to god she would catch on and diagnose her bc I know I can never say it, but I don’t see it happening.

Next, I know you know this but it helps to be reminded: no matter how much you give and do for her, it’ll never make her feel loved and reassured enough. It’s just not in her hardwiring to feel that way. There is a literally bottomless pit of need for love/validation in her that you can never fill.

Splitting is a classic behavior for pwBPD. They’ll see you as their savior one day (splitting you white) and the cause of ALL their pain and problems the next (splitting you black). They will FOG you into internalizing all their criticisms of you and you will feel like a worthless failure for trying so hard and still failing to make them feel loved.

By any objective measure you are beyond a stellar partner. You give so much more than probably almost anyone you know, am I right? I’m the same way. You probably feel like you’re going crazy thinking “anyone else in the world would see and appreciate this insane level of generosity I give, so why doesn’t she? I’m killing myself to be the best partner in history and I get sh*t on, meanwhile I see other guys barely lift a finger and get so much more appreciation! This is insane I must be in the twilight zone!”

I don’t think it’s coincidence they find extreme givers like us bc their needs are so infinite that their survival depends on it. But again, she will never be able to see and feel all the love and effort you objectively give, and until you accept that you will only be beaten down more and more trying to fill this unfillable hole.

One strategy someone here gave me to try to avoid taking the criticisms and accusations personally is to substitute whatever they’re accusing you of being with “pink elephant.” You wouldn’t be offended by someone calling you that bc it’s so ridiculous. It’s hard, but we shouldn’t take their criticisms personally bc they’re typically about their disorder, not our behavior.

This is the hard part of what I have to share. Take it with a grain of salt bc I don’t know all your variables or reasons for staying with her and you have to make your own decision. But the fact is this is an extremely unhealthy relationship for you, so you have to think seriously about why it’s worth losing yourself and your health to stay in it. For me and many others here it’s the financial consequences of divorce and the impact on our kids that keep us in it, but it sounds like you’re not married and don’t share kids with her. You’re deep enough in that you’ve already been trained to forget yourself and your needs to serve hers, so it’s hard to go from there to a place of valuing yourself enough to find the strength to choose yourself and leave. Imo, your health and well-being is what’s most important, and it’s very hard to save those in a relationship like this. You’ve already sacrificed so much of yourself. How much more can you afford?

We all have remarkably similar yet different situations and we’re here to support each other. Your choice is your own and there’s no judgment here whatever you choose, only support and solidarity. I know how hard all this is.

[PhoenixKnight]

Thank you, I needed that today. I’m trying so hard to set healthy boundaries, but whenever I do I’m being ‘argumentative’ or ‘evil’. It is incredibly tough and now I’ve got the silent treatment because I left the house last night. We live together but aren’t married. I’m just trying to get through one day at a time at the minute.

Thanks again. I’ll come back to this when I need to.

[Joaquin]

Silent treatment is a classic response btw. Setting boundaries with pwBPD is difficult and can be messy. There are resources you can use on this site https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0
and also I’d recommend reading Stop Walking on Eggshells if you haven’t yet. That book was almost a perfect description of my experience (and yours) and gave me a lot of validation, understanding, and tools that I desperately needed.

Real quick, remember when setting boundaries that they aren’t up for discussion or negotiation. Your partner will see them as you persecuting her. That’s okay and to be expected. Doesn’t matter. The boundaries are for your health, full stop. She doesn’t need to accept or understand them.

Remember to SET limits (support, empathy, truth). Starting with a statement validating her feelings before asserting your truth and your boundary can be a very effective method. And remember not to JADE (justify argue defend explain). Don’t get sucked into her drama cycle and try not to react to her FOGging you away from your boundary. She may call you evil, argumentative, uncaring, an abandoner. She’s just calling you a pink elephant. Don’t be reactive. Stay focused on your limit. Tell her you hear her, you see and care about her feelings, and then assert your boundary. She will keep fighting it. That’s ok. Her permission is not required and it won’t come.

Again, setting limits is hard. I’ve had successes and failures but made real progress over time. I have the most success when I’m zen and nonreactive, express love and care first, and then gently but firmly assert my boundary. My wife fights the boundaries and still sometimes tells me they’re just about my ego/stubbornness and not how a loving caring marriage should be. That’s ok bc I know it’s just her system trying to get back something it lost, which was the ability to use me to sponge and own her feelings for her. Like a child throwing a tantrum when you take the candy away. The child doesn’t understand it’s not healthy and you won’t be able to reason with it. You remain the adult focused on the limit, let the child flail and tell her you love her but hold the limit.

Thank you, I needed that today. I’m trying so hard to set healthy boundaries, but whenever I do I’m being ‘argumentative’ or ‘evil’. It is incredibly tough and now I’ve got the silent treatment because I left the house last night. We live together but aren’t married. I’m just trying to get through one day at a time at the minute.

Thanks again. I’ll come back to this when I need to.

[PhoenixKnight]

Yes I’ve read Stop walking on eggshells, and I hate you, don’t leave me (3 times over the years). It’s good to have a reminder of the important bits, so your comments are greatly appreciated as it’s hard to stay on course.

I think this current episode is due to her feeling worthless. She found out last weekend her best friends partner is addicted to drugs and spending £1000 a month on cocaine. Her friend is due to get married later in the year but they have postponed it due to them having no money. My partner battled with the information but told her friend last week, however her friend chose to believe her partner and cut my girlfriend out, saying she was making it up. To be fair to my partner, I fully supported her in her action and she didn’t do anything wrong. This started the spiral as it’s her only real friend. This then moved on to everyone hating her, the self harm, and taking it out on me.

The issue with me came because we had a talk in the week and she started saying we should be engaged by now or trying for children. I said I love her, we in the process of moving house to one we both own, but bringing a child into a house with arguments every weekend isn’t the right time. I grew up with absolutely no conflict, and conflict is my life now. She said that she feels like I’m waiting for things ‘to get better’. But they won’t, ‘this is us’. She says I contribute to it as much as her, which I genuinely don’t think is true. All of the issues stem from me and my behaviour. Every day I’ve upset her in some way, even when I’m trying my absolute best to tiptoe around, show affection, and not trigger her. There always seems to be an issue with her; illness, money, work, friends, family, me. At first I tried to help her fix her problems, but I’ve read and learned that I need to step back. Our arguments always come when I push back on whatever I’m accused of.

Now she says I’m not excited by our future and she deserves to be with someone who worships the ground she walks on. She is in the process of reading love novels and states that she wishes I treated her the way the men act in these books. She knows that this isn’t real life, but I’m being compared to all these romantic gestures and proud declarations. I’d understand more if I did nothing for her, but I do. I’m at the point of exhaustion as a loving act one Monday is forgotten about on Tuesday if I don’t do it all again.

I made the mistake of correcting her when she said we don’t have sex anymore (7 times in 2 weeks). She said it’s her feelings and I just invalidate them and argue with her. I knew when I said it I should have bit my tongue, but she is basing her facts on her feelings, whilst painting the relationship as this awful, loveless disappointment. It’s hard to hear every other day I’m not loving her enough when I get so little from her.

[Joaquin]

Once again, what you wrote is so familiar to me.

I actually do counter her accusations sometimes, but I try to just say what I see (assert my truth) and quickly move on before getting sucked into an argument. She may accuse me of never showing love and I might point out a couple things I just did to give love, but then I’ll quickly move on and de escalate things. For the first 2 years it was how you described; she would dump her grievances on me constantly and if I dared counter with the facts she would accuse me of failing to validate her feelings and then she’d fall into heavy dysregulation and I could feel the resentment. But things are SO different now (better) and I now personally find that I can do some level of explanation if I handle it the right way, but every relationship is different even with BPD.

Just some quick thoughts that may not apply to you. I noticed you said growing up there was zero conflict in your house. I also observe that even though you’ve been studying BPD and reading the books for years (longer than me actually), it sounds like you’re still very much walking on eggshells and catering to her dysfunction. NO judgment here! I’m just wondering if you’ve examined yourself and why these things might be happening? A big part of our work here is to examine and change ourselves. It sounds like MAYBE you grew up in a home where expressing anger was looked down on? If so, it might’ve conditioned you to be a people pleaser. As Gabor Mate explains, in homes like that little kids have to choose between losing the parental attachment or suppressing their own emotions, and it’s really no choice bc kids have to cling to the parental attachment. If any of that applies, it might explain why it’s so hard for you now to stop suppressing your emotions to please your partner. Or there might be bigger issues of codependency , which is not uncommon around here.

Again, NOT judgment and I know all of that might be completely incorrect. I don’t presume to be able to armchair diagnose you of anything and I don’t know much about you. I hope none of this offends you. Just thought I’d throw it out there in case it might be of some use.

[PhoenixKnight]

I was definitely a people pleaser up to the age of 32. I used to want everyone to like me, but this was mainly due to blending into the background as a child. Not good looking, not bad. Just ‘there’ I guess. A few years ago I kind of stopped caring what others thought, as long as I was happy with what I was communicating and projecting.

With my partner, I’m just scared of opening up because nothing good ever seems to come of it. It always leads to conflict, so I’ve just decided to choose my battles. I’m 38 now, and I’m surprising myself that I’m putting up with all this. I think I’m just stuck in this cycle.

I’m a police officer, 3 ranks up. So I carry a lot of responsibility and deal with conflict often. I’m used to it now. But growing up I just never had it. Not because it was frowned upon, just my mum and dad are both lovely people. If they were angry, they just talked it out. We, as a family, just had really long fuses. Talking it out with my current partner just isn’t an option, it just feels like she’s always the victim and doesn’t really see that there are two sides to a disagreement. I think I just find it hard to shoulder all the issues when trying to give my side is usually met with derision and implications that I’m starting arguments.

Codependency, something I’ve looked into previously,  is not something which I feel fits. I was a loner growing up, I’m just tired of all the fights. I was probably more avoidant growing up, but I have spent a lot of time working on that. To be fair to my partner, she has helped me grow in that respect, because it is me who has to instigate momentum.

[Joaquin]

Gotcha. Again, I heavily relate. I’m also something of a loner, or at least I love to be alone. I was great at setting boundaries to promote my own wellness my whole life until this relationship. I wish someone warned me that FOG from a pwBPD was the one thing that could make me sacrifice myself to please someone else. BPD is powerful and I guess it can turn even ppl like us into pleasers.

I remember early in the relationship trying the mature kinds of communication and conflict resolution I had practiced my whole adult life and finding them completely powerless against my now wife’s FOG and extreme victim complex. I thought all the internal resources and emotional maturity I had built up my whole life made me immune to winding up in such a dysfunctional, harmful dynamic, but I was powerless against this. No amount of conventional mature communication could get through, and each attempt became a crushing defeat followed by heavy consequences of intensely depressed, resentful moods that would last for days at a time and explain itself by finding negative traits in me. After a while I lost any defense and threw myself completely into just capitulating and living by her rules and under the tyranny of her feelings, desperate to humbly serve well enough that the black cloud might lift one day.

I was definitely a people pleaser up to the age of 32. I used to want everyone to like me, but this was mainly due to blending into the background as a child. Not good looking, not bad. Just ‘there’ I guess. A few years ago I kind of stopped caring what others thought, as long as I was happy with what I was communicating and projecting.

With my partner, I’m just scared of opening up because nothing good ever seems to come of it. It always leads to conflict, so I’ve just decided to choose my battles. I’m 38 now, and I’m surprising myself that I’m putting up with all this. I think I’m just stuck in this cycle.

I’m a police officer, 3 ranks up. So I carry a lot of responsibility and deal with conflict often. I’m used to it now. But growing up I just never had it. Not because it was frowned upon, just my mum and dad are both lovely people. If they were angry, they just talked it out. We, as a family, just had really long fuses. Talking it out with my current partner just isn’t an option, it just feels like she’s always the victim and doesn’t really see that there are two sides to a disagreement. I think I just find it hard to shoulder all the issues when trying to give my side is usually met with derision and implications that I’m starting arguments.

Codependency, something I’ve looked into previously,  is not something which I feel fits. I was a loner growing up, I’m just tired of all the fights. I was probably more avoidant growing up, but I have spent a lot of time working on that. To be fair to my partner, she has helped me grow in that respect, because it is me who has to instigate momentum.

[PhoenixKnight]

It’s mad how much I relate to what you say. You mentioned earlier that things are much better now. Can I ask how you manage all this to have had such a change? Was it a change in you, or a change in your wife? Or both?

Just as I feel I’m making progress with my partner, as she is at least aware of her dysfunctional behaviour now, we take 3 steps backwards when she is triggered. Last night I told her how much I was struggling and she has said the relationship can’t work. I haven’t disagreed with her and don’t know what to do.

It was her 6 year old daughters birthday yesterday, and we had the entirety of her family and friends round for a bbq. It ran for 9 hours, and it went really well. My partner was happy, and I think I did her proud in front of her family. I thought we had a break through. As soon as the final guest left, she went up to bed in the spare bedroom on her own (she has been sleeping in there). When I realised I went in and asked her why, and to come back to our room. She said I had been putting on an act all day and there was no point. I’m not attracted to her and I give her no passion. 3 times yesterday I grabbed her tried to physically show her I care (when we were alone).

After going back downstairs she later came down and started to unload on me again. I told her that I feel as though she is projecting all her pain and anger onto me, and this wasn’t fair. Her response was that it is my job, as a partner, to get her out of this cycle. I told her I cannot do this whilst my cup is empty. She is now saying if I can’t be there for her, then she has to leave.

[Joaquin]

The argument you just had with her is one that still plays out for me in some form when I’m setting limits. As your partner flat out said, they believe it’s our job to fix their emotions. If we can’t, we’re failures. If we refuse, we’re deeply unkind, uncaring, bad partners. My wife talked about something like separation for the first time a couple weeks ago bc the idea of me not owning her emotional well-being for her was too cruel and unbearable a reality for her to accept.

That said, I’ll tell you how things got better for me. It was a change in both of us. The first 2 yrs I didn’t know she had BPD but I obvi knew something was insanely wrong. I lived as an emotional slave and physical servant, internalizing everything she put on me.

Year 3 I hit my breaking point (our daughter was born and my wife was injured so I was left working full time, being full time dad and mom, taking care of the house, cooking, taking care id my wife and her negativity and controlling behavior was more than I could bear) and for the first time started telling her how I was feeling erased and broken down and mistreated. She saw this as another persecution and blamed and fought me for it, but I had lost my capacity to just absorb and apologize so I was fighting back for the first time. Things got really bad and messy and we eventually started a couple’s therapist who was good (I was able to voice a lot of my feelings here and my wife couldn’t instantly FOG them away bc the T was in charge), but my wife eventually canceled after the T asked her if she sees the role she plays in things. This period caused a lot of turmoil but also resulted in new limits and forced my wife to accept that she had caused me intense trauma and change her behavior. The constant intense negativity and high criticism stopped bc I just couldn’t and wouldn’t take it anymore. The dynamic changed, but my wife was very clear and consistent that she viewed all this as me going from being the best partner to a completely different person who is no longer kind and she is not happy. If you thought I was the best partner the first couple years why did you treat me like trash?

Year 4 a friend with a BPDw clued me into my wife’s BPD. I read Eggshells and everything finally made perfect sense. I was able to approach her dysregulation from a new place of control and validation, finally giving myself permission to have my own thoughts and feelings without eagerly begging for her approval or fearing her disapproval. This new understanding helped me be less reactive and avoid JADE-ing more. The main limit I’ve been communicating to her and trying to set is that I can’t accept ownership of her emotions or of every argument or conflict as a one-sided persecution I caused bc internalizing all that blame causes me too much damage. This often still does not go well, but when I stick to a single concept she sort of accepts it over time.

Things are FAR better for me now but she says things are worse for her. That’s how pwBPD view limits bc something important was taken away from her. When we have conflict it feels like we’re closer now to actually splitting up, but when we don’t have conflict things feel better than before bc it’s a much healthier relationship for me. To my wife’s credit, I believe she is a good person with good intentions and when she has seen me truly broken down, she cares a lot and tries to make me feel better. She has put in a lot of effort to change according to what I’ve communicated. This makes me think she may be more functional than some pwBPD I’ve read about on this site, so I may be lucky in that sense.

When she’s dysregulating she still falls into her defense mechanism of blaming me for all her emotions and any conflict (even if she objectively caused it), and when that’s happening I still feel like our relationship is doomed. I don’t know if we will make it last forever, but right now it seems like a decent possibility. I gave her a good birthday this week and she’s been sweet, appreciative, and affectionate in return. We had a conflict right before the bday and I kinda left her to her own emotions after which was scary for me, but she seemed to deal with it more maturely than in the past and when I sent her a resolution text she responded pretty maturely instead of spamming me with blame and FOG, so that felt like progress.

My plan is to try to stay nonreactive and prepared for dysregulation so I can apply my BPD tools whenever it lands while holding to my emotional limits and setting them with care and love to mitigate her feeling like I’m emotionally abandoning her. This seems to be an effective combo for me. When I don’t engage in the drama cycle escalation, stay in a nonreactive caring state (reminding her that I love her and care about her feelings and don’t want to fight), and then communicate my limits from there in terms of protecting my health (NOT asserting my rights or anything like that bc she only understands emotional language, not fairness etc), I find she responds differently (better) and the recovery is quicker and easier. It’s very much like dealing with a child having a tantrum; if you as the parent remain calm and loving while confidently setting a limit (not opening it up for negotiation) and then keep giving them your calm loving energy, that co regulation eventually seems to help them regulate. Remember, they feel like they’re drowning in unbearable emotional chaos and they need something solid to hold onto.  If on the other hand I’m reactive and fall into JADE, things get much worse and it’s harder and takes longer to find a way to reconciliation.

It’s mad how much I relate to what you say. You mentioned earlier that things are much better now. Can I ask how you manage all this to have had such a change? Was it a change in you, or a change in your wife? Or both?

[Pricklypickle]

PhoenixKnight,
Reading your story reminds me a lot of what I'm going through.

It seems to me that you need to reevaluate some basic facts about your life.

Whether it's because you feel you've found an extremely attractive partner whom you don't want to lose at any cost, or whether you have other personal issues that make you do this - the fact is that you are living with a human being who makes you feel terrible on a regular basis, and you have concluded that it's not their fault, and that if you can only be supportive and caring enough, then their complaints and criticisms of you will disappear. This is factually wrong. It will never happen.

You must realize that it is a symptom of BPD to be unhappy and to request never-ending, unachievable things from you. As long as she suffers from BPD, she will never be satisfied with what you give her or who you are to her as a person.

Remember that your partner cannot be trusted for their sense of judgement and sense of reality. You must be able to establish what behavior is acceptable both from you and from her. This means that you must be able to judge when a request or criticism from her part is reasonable or not, and this will determine whether you agree to follow up with it, or stand your ground on the fact that what you did is ok, that you did your best, or that you didn't wrong anyone.

You could spend a whole week writing to us every unreasonable thing she said to you, and why it's uncalled for. It will bring you nowhere. You must realize that in order to live a life that's not a living hell, you must know your self worth, you must identify which behaviors from your partner cause you harm and stop accepting to receive them. You must have a strong supporting base of friends and family to help you maintain your sense of reality and self worth. Tragically, you must also realize that you are living with a person who is mentally ill, and if that person continues to make your life hell, then you must leave them. You are a healthy, caring, and loving person. You deserve to be with someone who makes you feel good about your life.

If you find this last piece of advice repulsive, because you think that it means abandoning a person who has already been hurt so much, remember this: No one can cure another person's trauma. Not me, not you, not a therapist, and not Gabor Mate. A person must be ready to change, or no change will be possible.

Consider also that being unconditionally supportive, loving, and attentive of your BPD partner is not necessarily the best thing for them. Consider that if you are able to set boundaries, detach a bit from the situation, and think of yourself as a person first, you will create more space for healthy reflection and change for your partner.

Though it hurts to see your partner hurting, you must think of yourself as a person first. If you take her delusional and unreasonable demands to heart, you will only deepen the cycle of both of you feeling bad. If you realize that the things she says to you are unreasonable and you refuse to feel bad about them, then there is a good chance that her bad feelings and the tension between you will dissolve faster than if you had taken her words personally.

Best of luck brother.

[Joaquin]

This is maybe the best summary I’ve seen of what nonBPD partners of pwBPD need to hear. I saved a copy of this for myself

PhoenixKnight,
Reading your story reminds me a lot of what I'm going through.

It seems to me that you need to reevaluate some basic facts about your life.

Whether it's because you feel you've found an extremely attractive partner whom you don't want to lose at any cost, or whether you have other personal issues that make you do this - the fact is that you are living with a human being who makes you feel terrible on a regular basis, and you have concluded that it's not their fault, and that if you can only be supportive and caring enough, then their complaints and criticisms of you will disappear. This is factually wrong. It will never happen.

You must realize that it is a symptom of BPD to be unhappy and to request never-ending, unachievable things from you, her romantic partner. As long as she suffers from BPD, she will never be satisfied with what you give her or who you are for her as a person.

Remember that your partner cannot be trusted for their sense of judgement and sense of reality. You must be able to establish what behavior is acceptable both from you and from her. This means that you must be able to judge when a request or criticism from her part is reasonable or not, and this will determine whether you agree to follow up with it, or you stand your ground on the fact that what you did is ok, that you did your best, or that you didn't wrong anyone.

You could spend a whole week writing to us every unreasonable thing she said to you, and why it's uncalled for. It will bring you nowhere. You must realize that in order to live a life that's not a living hell, you must know your self worth, you must identify which behaviors from your partner cause you harm and stop accepting to receive them. You must have a strong supporting base of friends and family to help you maintain your sense of reality and self worth. Tragically, you must also realize that you are living with a person who is mentally ill, and if that person continues to make your life hell, then you must leave them. You are a healthy, caring, and loving person. You deserve to be with someone who makes you feel good about your life.

If you find this last piece of advice repulsive, because you think that it means abandoning a person who has already been hurt so much, remember this: No one can cure another person's trauma. Not me, not you, not a therapist, and not Gabor Mate. A person must be ready to change, or no change will be possible.

Consider also that being unconditionally supportive, loving, and attentive of your BPD partner is not necessarily the best thing for them. Consider that if you are able to set boundaries, detach a bit from the situation, and think of yourself as a person first, you will create more space for healthy reflection and change for your partner.

Though it hurts to see your partner hurting, you must think of yourself as a person first. If you take her delusional and unreasonable demands to heart, you will only deepen the cycle of both of you feeling bad. If you realize that something she says to you is unreasonable and you refuse to feel bad about it, then chances are her bad feelings and the tension between you will dissolve faster than if you had taken her words personally.

Best of luck brother.

[PhoenixKnight]

Thank you so so much for these responses, they really mean a lot. Everything written makes so much sense and I will revisit this advice often. My biggest problem is definitely jading. I try to respond with boundaries and by being succinct, but this causes bigger accusations of crazier things. I end up trying to explain my actions, but this always leads me down the path that I am putting it back on her or I’m devaluing her feelings. I never learn.

This last week I’ve really taken a step back. I’m tired of all this. Absolutely exhausted. I’m sick of being blamed for all of her negative emotions, told why I’m not doing enough for her, and completely muted when trying to express my own feelings. It’s my birthday today. I booked her a trip to Dublin for Christmas to watch her favourite artist. We are currently sat at opposite ends of the airport after yet another blow up over her insecurities and my inability to make her feel better. I’ve put so much into this relationship and trying to make it work, but I’m really starting to think the juice isn’t worth the squeeze. I can’t go 3 days without some kind of drama. I’m bloody knackered!

[Link]

This thread resonated with me and I felt the need to chime in. I don't have the words or concepts to add to what has already been shared by Joaquin and Pricklypickle. What was shared was brilliant.

I am here to say that 3 years of insanity is nothing compared to 26 years of it. Think clearly about what you want for the rest of your life. Is this relationship worth it? I am in the same boat as many who have been in a BPD relationship for many years. Kids, financial issues, a life built, marriage. It's very difficult to walk away from 26 years. I am in the "trying to manage" mode, and I will be the rest of my life. It may kill me.

You don't have the same ties. For your future well being, I would encourage you to walk away. I know that it is hard advice. But I'm telling you, it will not get better. You will loose yourself in trying to make it better. You will loose. Do you want to manage insanity the rest of your life? That is what you will have if you stay in this relationship. It's just the truth.

[Smedley Butler]

My biggest problem is definitely jading. I try to respond with boundaries and by being succinct, but this causes bigger accusations of crazier things. I end up trying to explain my actions, but this always leads me down the path that I am putting it back on her or I’m devaluing her feelings. I never learn.

responding with boundaries ends up looking a lot like JADEing usually.  i no longer say anything other than "i'm not doing this" when she starts hurling accusations.  she will try three or four different lures to try to get me to JADE, but i no longer bite.  you have to emotionally detach from the insanity.  i'll add that it took me a long time to be able to get to a place that i can do this, and it essentially required me falling out of love with my wife.  i'm here for my kids.  take that advice for what it's worth as you consider how you wish to move forward with your life.

[waverider]

i'll add that it took me a long time to be able to get to a place that i can do this, and it essentially required me falling out of love with my wife.  i'm here for my kids. 

This is sad, but true, it enables the objective attachment that enables you to stand back and act more like a professional carer than a partner. The problem then of course is it leaves you ultimately unfulfilled as it seems just like a job, and your life cant just be like a job, and your interest then start to diverge to the point that it al falls apart eventually anyway as you just cant be bothered anymore and feel you are just wasting your life away, which is probably the truth as its only the logistics and fear of getting away that stops you.