break up or make up

[KeepCalm]

Can anyone share stories about how their SO with BPD has broken up and how they made up, without repeating the toxic cycle?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Narkiss]

No. We just repeated it.

[valet]

Hey KeepCalm, I'm assuming that you're here because you want to save your relationship. It certainly is possible, if you're looking for reassurance. But you're going to need the skills to manage a partnership involving BPD.

Can you tell us any more details about your situation?

[MapleBob]

Can anyone share stories about how their SO with BPD has broken up and how they made up, without repeating the toxic cycle?

The general consensus from what I've read, seen, and experienced is that it takes a great deal of willingness, commitment, and acceptance on the part of both people in the relationship.

You would likely be able to hear more targeted advice if you told us a little bit about the situation that brings you here.

[an0ught]

Hi KeepCalm,

Can anyone share stories about how their SO with BPD has broken up and how they made up, without repeating the toxic cycle?

the challenge is repeating the cycle not the making up. The latter has little to do with the former. It is tempting to think that you establish rules first and those help you to prevent trouble later. But the trouble stems from immediate and emotional not rational challenges so negotiated agreements are meaningless.

Typically there are 3 paths:

1) Stay broken up.

2) PwBPD starts working on themselves through therapy (or other experiences) and changes to a degree.

3) Change yourself. Make up and you change the rules you let yourself treated (see all the workshops on Boundaries). This may well lead to another, possible multiple and possible final breakups. Over time the pwBPD changes as the broken behavior proves not effective anymore and some less broken and some healthier behavior is learned through experience.


I don't think conflict cycles are totally avoidable in most cases. In some way they are part of being human. You will find 2+3 on the improving board and progress is often there in severity and frequency of "toxic cycle".


All paths are more or less painful . 1 provides clarity. 2,3 are not under your control alone.

For a long term success some degree of change on both sides will be needed. But then change is hard to initiate across the board. Change often starts with commitment in a corner and takes over the board.

[Grey Kitty]

A0's three paths merit some more comments from me.

Path #2 (pwBPD works on themself) has a huge problem with it--You have zero control over that, and to make things worse, you really want it to happen, so you will very much want to force the change upon the pwBPD. This usually goes very badly.

Regarding path #3, I'd also note that working on yourself, and what you did in this r/s that contributed to it going badly is critical for you. If your partner is willing to make up, and you are willing to work on yourself (Go to the staying/improving board and work the lessons!), you will be challenged to work on yourself, and this is an incredible opportunity.

Even if the relationship fails, what you've learned about yourself will be yours to keep and invaluable.

And if you take path #1, you will have the same work on yourself in front of you anyways. And a good excuse to blame your ex and skip doing the hard work... .and skipping the work is a very good path to getting into another relationship just about as bad next.