break up with partner

[foody]

Hello everyone.

I'm foody.im desperately looking for some help i suppose. Ive been with my gf 16 yrs. She has many BPD traits but wont accept it and has refused to seeabout getting a diagnosis. Our relationship has been very good and very bad. Lots of arguments in the past andshes threatened to leave many times.last yr we bought our dream house and it seemed to be improving. She was more open about herself and seemed happier.

A few weeks ago she was having an awful time in work. She came homw and saud she wants to separate. It was a horrible weekend. Then as the wk went on her mood lifted and we were laughing and joking. She wven said on Saturday she wasnt going.

The synday she had another very emotional day in work, came home and ripped me apart. Everything she could think of from our past was twisted around so ive become a controlling abuser. Ive done everything she's ever wanted me to do. Encouraged her, supported her but all yhat is now just me being controlling. We have two kids. Ive tried to be as stable as possible and keep us together for them. Im finding this heartbreaking and im totally lost.

Whenever i talk about the really positive stuff we've donw and her talking about marriage and us getting old and really good times weve had it the same reply 'thats just me trying' .its such an automatic response it sounds like shes convinced herself of it.

Im devastated and very scared fro my kids.

Thank you.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[livednlearned]

Hi foody,

Welcome and hello 

It sounds like a pretty clear pattern -- she experiences something difficult, her emotions are ablaze, she comes home and blames you for everything, whether related or not.

People with BPD tend to equate feelings with facts, so your instinct to defend the truth makes no sense to her. How could her feelings be wrong?

One of the most important skills you can learn is to validate how she is feeling. It's an easy skill to understand and takes much practice to do it effectively, especially when we are the target of accusations and taking things personally or dealing with our own abandonment anxiety.

We can share what we have learned about this skill. Is it something you want to work on? One of the resources that helped me the most is the Power of Asking Validating Questions.

[foody]

Hi.

Thanks for yhr reply. I need any help i can get. Im open to anything. Ive been regularly dumped over the yrs, being blamed for allsorts but this time she was in a very dark place in her work. I could see warning signs and tried to talk to her but i just got shut down. Now this. After the initial talk of separation she isolated herself and wouldnt interact with mw or the kids.

During the wk her mood lifted and sje was happy and laughing. Then sunday in work a colleague was talking about an abusive ex and now im controlling, ive ruined her life, ive made her ill ( shes aware about her anxiety and depression) she even said ive distorted her childhood memories.

Ever since we got together shes wanted me to do everything for her. If my attention dipped i was ignoring her. I clean the house every day, always cook, shes always got a hot bth after work.ive read about BPD in yhe last 12 months in an attempt to understand and we hardly argue now. Honestly whtever i do is never enough, i feel like imresented fo doing it. Im an emotional shell. Theres nothing left.

[livednlearned]

Im an emotional shell. Theres nothing left.

That's pretty common among people in BPD relationships until they get support and learn some skills. In general, there is not a lot out there to help BPD carers. I've read research that says BPD carers are among the most fragile because the support is so thin and the mental illness is so difficult.

Job #1 has to be that you start taking care of yourself. pwBPD need someone resilient, even as they may seem to tear your down.

You know that you are not controlling and abusive, so that's a given. Your wife may be feeling this way and feelings = facts. She is trying to find the facts to fit the feelings, and voila she found a vague recollection in her memory. She feels controlled and abused. Maybe ask her about those feelings. Ask, and listen. Try to avoid JADE-ing (justify, argue, defend, explain). And don't validate the invalid. If things get difficult for you, ask to take a time out, or just take a time out. Let her know in advance that you want to do this to make sure you have time to consider your words. It doesn't have to be about her actions, it can be about what you need to help yourself.

Validation is a way to accept how she is feeling and the validating questions subtly puts the onus of responsibility for solving her problems back on her. Chances are that you take her feelings to heart and then try to solve things for her. That puts you a losing position because her feelings will change. Nevermind that it was about x because x was really about y all along. Validation helps you to speak the language of y so that you don't chase the wrong message.

There are other skills, validation is probably the easiest to begin learning and most important to mitigate the conflict. None of the skills will solve the difficult problem of feeling empty. You have to fill your cup, and make it a priority, because two people hanging onto the life raft is not a great way to rescue either one.

[foody]

Thanks for that. I dont know if i can save anything. Shes hardly talking to me. She said yesterday we'd be better if she wasnt here. She also told me she's no good for me cause she cant give me what i want. Currently i feel worthless. Like every efoort ive made has been turned into something vile. Im currently having counselling cause my father died last yr and my partner couldn't support me. E ery time i tried to talk about it she'd get upsetfor herself then angry than blame me for making her think like that. My counsellor told me im being abused and i need to get out. Im very worried

[livednlearned]

I'm so sorry for your loss, foody.  :'(

Shes hardly talking to me. She said yesterday we'd be better if she wasnt here. She also told me she's no good for me cause she cant give me what i want. Currently i feel worthless. Like every efoort ive made has been turned into something vile. Im currently having counselling cause my father died last yr and my partner couldn't support me. E ery time i tried to talk about it she'd get upsetfor herself then angry than blame me for making her think like that. My counsellor told me im being abused and i need to get out. Im very worried

It's really good that you are in counseling. And yes, BPD behaviors can be abusive. That is different than allowing yourself to be abused, though having the strength to manage the behaviors and implement the skills is no small thing.

That she is talking to you at all despite the words she is saying suggests she is in a terrible dilemma. Sorry to repeat the same message here -- validation is a way to also remove yourself from the argument she is (likely) fundamentally having with herself. It's a form of verbal-fu that accomplishes many things. If you are given the opportunity to validate, it might be worth a try.

Meanwhile, it's important to address the feelings of being worthless. Often, this is a temporary state that we find ourselves in when living with and loving someone with BPD, and often has roots in our family of origin experiences. It can be treated and healed and managed with love and attention from and to ourselves.

Being here, sharing your story, feeling less alone in all this -- it all helps.



LnL

[RighteousAnger]

16 years and two kids... .hard for me to imagine what you are going through. I have only been with my partner (as of a few days ago, now my ex) for a couple years and we don't have any children together. One thing you said really stuck, that she admits to anxiety and depression. I find that interesting because m pwBPD admits to those, but adamantly denied having BPD when I told her she probably has that (big mistake btw, don't do that) and said I was the one with BPD (pretty common response). I guess it is more socially acceptable to suffer anxiety and/or depression than a personality disorder? My relationship sounds similar in many aspects though. I would always cook for her and clean up after her messes (she gets wasted drunk and makes messes) and do just about everything and anything for her... .yet when she paints me black I am a horrible person who is selfish and does nothing for her. Only recently with help from this site, therapy, and reading books on BPD have I realized as hard as it is, I can't take this to heart. It is an ingrained knee-jerk reaction that I didn't cause, can't control, or cure... .I may have done something that set off the trigger, but let's be honest... .it's a hairline trigger and how she reacts has nothing to do with what I actually did. This sounds true in your case too... .often is when dealing with pwBPD. Continue with therapy and learning techniques that will help communication with your pwBPD. And most importantly... .take care of yourself! There's a reason they tell you to put the air mask on yourself first during the pre-flight demonstration... .because if you don't take care of yourself how can you help anyone else? Slainte

[foody]

Thanks for the repkies. Shes just come in from work angry, backtracked on everything she said about finding her own place and is now demanding our house. I took out a £50k loan of a family member as a deposit. I said we should sell it to repay the loan bu t she says no, thats not fair because i coyld then borrow the money again to buy somewhere else and because she has cut off her family so has no support she'd have to start again.

I qas hoping we could stay amicable but because of this im going to have to get full legal assistance.

[livednlearned]

Being fully informed about legal implications is similar to taking care of yourself in other regards.

Having said that, just because she says something doesn't mean she will follow through. If nothing else, impulsivity is often a big part of BPD and follow-through can be negligible.

Same on your side. If she makes threats that have real consequences, it's ok to calmly address any concerns her words cause, and make sure you have your bases covered. Knowledge is power, and if you address the unknown, it can help reduce anxiety.

Having good boundaries and taking care of yourself are both broad topics that can seem easy to implement, yet in practice end up being quite challenging, especially if you have been appeasing for lengthy periods of time and suddenly start to assert boundaries. People with BPD do not have good boundaries so you have to provide them. Part of being in a BPD relationship is learning to consistently assert those boundaries as they are consistently tested.

About the backtracking -- this is the impulsivity and emotional roller coaster that propels her from one idea and decision to another. It's pretty exhausting for her, and for you too. It is possible (if you have the strength) to not get on that roller coaster. Someone in the relationship has to stay grounded and it will in all likelihood not be her.

For those of us trying to heal our own patterns of behavior, the most common one is a history of appeasing others and a tendency to feel abandonment anxiety or depression that keeps us emotionally reactive when what we need most is to settle those feelings and get them in perspective.

Her job seems to be seriously triggering her sense of self worth.

[foody]

She'd spoken to a colleague who had had an abusive marriage. She's told her to be assertive but that seems shorthand for antagonistic. Her job has caused massive lvls of anxiety but she refuses to see it. Im overplaying it she says. She hates the fact that the money came from my relative amd I'll have access to it maybe later on to start again. It feels like she's trying to goad me into getting angry. She keeps asking why im not angry and seem to be so blasé

[foody]

Been out to a mates. Just came in and she's being really nice. Mind games? And I'm the controlling one

[livednlearned]

Reading about BPD can help a lot to put these behaviors in context.

Feelings = facts for someone with BPD. If you pay attention to your own feelings, sometimes you may notice that you feel upset about a memory of a parent who did you wrong, or get angry thinking about something a coworker did, maybe yesterday, maybe a long time ago. We speculate a lot about the motives of other people and allow that speculation to inform our thoughts, feelings, behaviors.

Someone with BPD does this to the extreme. Her emotions are quick to trigger and slow to return to baseline. If she feels it, then it's real. For us, we can take in new information and round out our thinking, and for the most part emotions are slow to trigger and return fairly quickly to baseline.

Feeling controlled is more likely to mean that she is feeling extremely fragile about who she is. Her hypersensitivities to being engulfed or controlled suggest she is more or less in a constant state of feeling threatened, and she is seeking "facts" to justify the feelings.

Interpersonal skills learned here are useful to mitigating some of this, though they will of course not cure BPD.