I could really use some help here. Is it all my fault?

[downnout98]

I have another post here but this just came up on a phone conversation with my exBPDgf. I could use some help sorting this out. At this point, all our relationship problems are my fault. I get that is what makes her feel better but how much do I take?

We broke up in December over an argument on disciplining my daughter. She thinks I am too lenient. We had a big argument and I had to leave for an appointment and I was not about to leave my daughter so I took her. As I was leaving, she told me that if I walked out the door, then I should not come home that night. It crushed me because my daughter had to hear this as well. I left and she tried chasing me to take the keys to the house away from me. It is her house and we were living together for a year and been together 3 total. She has broken up with me too many times before and I have had to pack my stuff out of house at least three times.

I decided I had enough and started staying at a hotel. The second day after the split she came looking for me and was frantic and crying and begging fro me to come back. I have been though this all before and always recycled. This time I needed some time to think all this through.  I did the very thing she feared which is abandonment. It really wasn't because we were in communication all the time and every time I tried coming home, we would get into an argument and she would tell me to just pack my stuff. So I did and got an apartment. I couldn't afford so many hotel nights.

About a month later she finds a new guy and within a few dates he starts staying with her and pretty much moves in. It has been 4 months of this and she always blames me for the guy saying that if I would have just come home none of this would have happened.

Now she says she wants to reconcile because she is miserable and can't get over us. I do love her and I have been doing a lot of work on myself but I am worried that this will all repeat again. She has kicked the guy out but he is still in communication with her trying to win her back. She is talking with me but says that she cannot trust me. That the reason we are all in so much turmoil is all because i did not come back. That I threw away a family and that I am not strong enough to be with her. She says that her family all thinks that I was not strong enough to be with her because I did not come back. She painted me black with them. She says her life is a total mess because she is in her late 30s and does not want to start overs and it is all my fault because I did not come back. I have been patient these past few months and every time we talk, it is the same story. That I left her and that she can't trust me. That she hates what I did to us.

Every time I think there is a possibility that we will be back together, i am met with this same argument. She told me that she was breaking up with this guy and choosing us but I don't really feel it. She said don't fail me again, but  then treats me this way and does not take accountability for any of her actions. I don't know if I should stay the course or hang it up. I want to believe that it could work but this is really tough. I could use some advice.

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[takingandsending]

Hi downnout98.

I have tried to look at some of your past posts to better understand what you went through/are going through. It seems, like many of us, you have been working in and out of FOG throughout your RS and break up. Maybe there is some value in being able to assign responsibility for why things happened as they did. Often with BPD, waiting for them to own some portion of responsibility ends up being a long and frustrating wait that breeds resentment.

Is it possible that there is a better path forward or more that you can learn so that you can do what is right for you? When you go back to that argument that propelled you to leave, what was the boundary that wanted to be expressed? Where did you feel that your values were being crossed? Have you looked at that?

If you know the value or self-identification that was being lost, as you consider getting back together with her, would you find it acceptable now for that value to be transgressed? That value or boundary is what is wanting expression. It is what rankles at accepting fault or responsibility for what happened. Until you start addressing that part of yourself, giving that part of yourself some care and protection and even appreciation, then you are at risk for repeating the cycle with your ex.

If you can work this out, then, there is a better possibility that you can commit to maintaining a consistent boundary with your pwBPD that helps her to know where you start and she ends. Does this help? Just my thoughts. Hopefully, others can chime in and shed some light. Wishing you peace. I can see how much of a struggle this is. 

[married21years]

Hi bud

look at the topics of splitting and projection. this might help you understand whats going on

good luck

[waverider]

Have you discussed dating without cohabiting? Trust needs to be earned not extorted.

[downnout98]

We have discussed dating before living together again and I am full on board with it. I feel that she is having such a hard time with it though. She absolutely hates being alone at the house but she also knows that it would be good for her and us. It seems though that she can't get past this anger and is being extremely cold with me again. It went from I love you to I hate you in a day and I think I am stuck in the I hate you pose with her, meaning she is punishing me.

[waverider]

We have discussed dating before living together again and I am full on board with it. I feel that she is having such a hard time with it though. She absolutely hates being alone at the house but she also knows that it would be good for her and us. It seems though that she can't get past this anger and is being extremely cold with me again. It went from I love you to I hate you in a day and I think I am stuck in the I hate you pose with her, meaning she is punishing me.

She doesn't have to agree, that can be your condtion. She wont stick to an agreement anyway. All this love/hate behavior will not overwhelm you the same then as it is far easier to impose boundaries if you are not sharing a household.

[downnout98]

Thank you everyone. Since I am living apart, it is easier to have my boundaries and maintain my space. I have remained calm when she starts to go through her bouts of anger and blaming me for everything. I see that by the morning it is passed and as if it didn't happen. The difficult part now is the thousand questions of how I am going to fix everything and how I will make her feel secure again. Not easy ones to answer. She is looking for the answers she has in her head.