Aha moment - turning the focus to you

[seeking balance]

Hey Leaving Board!

When I came to the boards, I literally wasn't sure which one of us was BPD... .  I was so confused... .  I found myself saying things and acting in ways that I didn't recognize.  At some point when ex and I were still living together and in MC, after another argument where I found myself saying "please stop yelling at me so the neighbors don't hear you"... .  I was laying in bed and realized this was crazy.  Yet another argument over her drinking turned around on me being controling.  I decided I would go to alanon - I was lost and could only change my view - something had to help.

What was your aha moment where you realized you couldn't change them but you could change you?

Peace,

SB

[ambi]

I said, "Can't  you try to be nice to me once in a while?  Do you have to be so mean?"

He said, ":)o you have any idea how difficult it is to be nice to you?  It's just too hard and I'm not going to do it."

I started therapy the next week + we did marriage counseling.  The final session of MC?

H:  "Fine, everything is all my fault and I eff up everything I try."

MC:  "It takes two... .  "

Ambi:  "Hold that thought, Doc.  Let's suppose it is ALL YOUR FAULT.  What are you willing to do about it?"

<crickets chirping>

MC:  "Okay, Ambi, what are you willing to do about it?"

Ambi:  "I'm willing to file for a divorce."

For what it's worth, it took a good while after that to sift through what was my part and what was his and which one of us was BPD. 

[Curvy girl]

When after what seemed like  a stock standard rage one day, he took a handful of pills in front of me  we ended up in the emergency department.

Even not knowing anything about BPD, at that moment I realised there was no amount of effort I could put into this relationship that would help this man. He really was just broken.

In an instant every single excuse I had made was irrelevant and I was faced with the truth about the man he was, the person I had become and how truly dysfunctional this relationship was.

I cried for about 5 hours straight.

[GreenMango]

I'm not sure if it was one single moment or the compilation of increasing unstable behavior that seemed to be getting worse and the realization that I was pouring water into a cup with a hole at the bottom.  I cant fix that hole but I could stop pouring.  I kept pouring for too long and I.didn't have any water left.

So taking time to refill the pitcher and find a cup without a hole was on me.

[whatarideout]

What was your aha moment where you realized you couldn't change them but you could change you?

after returning home from the local police station because of being falsely accused of domestic violence, i sat on my bed with my head in my hands.

with hundreds of thoughts entering my mind, one hit home and i released my hands and looked up.

i was sick of my sickness.

i made the decision to never live my life like that again.

at that very moment, i instantly stopped trying to fix my outside world and went to work on my inner game.

everything starts with our inner movement regardless of what we've been "taught", it just took my experience with a disordered mind to realize such truth.  

[Mistified247]

My moment was when I was cooking dinner for her, and she was meant to be home around 8. She never messaged me to tell me she was running late, despite my numerous SMS's to her to inquire where she was. It got to 10pm, so I went to bed. She came in at 3am, drunk telling me how much she loved me. Then was picked up at 3.15am by a taxi to take her to the airport for her planned vacation. I woke up in the morning, feeling empty, extremely sad, and realised that I had had enough of being trampled on. She had done the exact same thing nearly precisely a year before. This was the turning point for me. Then when I broke it off when she returned from holiday she tried to hurt herself several times and went totally psychotic at me and begged me not to leave.

[jessicapuppy]

I had already ended the relationship because he wouldn't get any sort of help for his BPD & NPD.

We had entered yet another discussion about our problems, in which he had been trying to convince me it was me that was ill etc.

For once we were talking openly & in a friendly manner.  We were momentarily a bit more like we used to be when he was being nice to me.  The conversation was good, and we were getting on.

Out of no where, the tone of the conversation totally changed, when he suddenly said to me, 'You know... .  I was just feeling really good about us there, and you almost pulled me back in, but... .  no... .  I don't think so... .  ', in a callous way.

I was so stunned & confused at where that had come from, and it was then that his illness stood out so clearly to me, more than ever.  It was as if one of his frequent personality changes (from BPD to NPD) had just taken place in that instant, right there, in front of me! 

I knew then that I was going to have to change the pattern & implement No Contact, for good, for both our sakes.

JP

x

[DanHealing]

My aha moment started after my second recycle, we were sitting in my car at a bar arguing about some lie or the other and she finally came clean. I was right about everything I thought was a lie. She cheated and had friends/family cover up for her.

Then I realized, all my friends are inside having fun, shooting darts, being normal human beings. Why am I subjecting myself to this? It felt as if something inside me had finally died off. A few months passed before I stopped trying to convince myself I didn't feel that way.

I lied to her face every time I said I loved her. I finally admitted to myself that there was nothing good about her or the relationship.

You'll get to a point were you KNOW you're never going back, trust me. It's clear and it's going to hurt your heart when you realize it's here.

Stay strong,

Dan

[gina louise]

My Moment was a recent text and the subsequent fact finding mission I had. the last time we saw each other or spoke.

the text:

Me: I am sorry for my part, I know that some of my behaviors were triggering and very painful to you. I am sorry that I was so stubborn and adamant about being right. I was critical. But you were attacking me! I was defensive.

H: NOW you see it? Why did you have to destroy everything we had?

Me: Well, I am trying to clean up my side of the street. Streets go both ways.

H: I have nothing to offer you.

H: You were a Horrible wife. I was going to go kill myself. You beat me down over and over.

H: THIS is ALL your FAULT.

That was my A Hah moment. He could not and would not ever meet me half way and own up to his part. His rage. His calculating abuse-verbal and emotional.

He stayed firmly in Victim Mode. Disordered, through and through. And I SAW it, saw HIM, as if for the first time. Clearly.

When I saw him in person he dwelt on how Hurt and Angry he still was.  ALL he talked about was how I had failed him and ruined the marriage. Dude, seriously. All I did was try to live with you! I never lied, stole, cheated, triangulated, wasted your money or complained to my family-didn't want them to hate you! I was a good wife/ room mate, and a kind, decent person, all around.

I finally told him: YOU threw me out, filed for divorce after 3 days and listed the house for sale at the same time. You have money in the bank and a steady job. A six figure income.

I have no money and no job! I had to RUN AWAY from you.

AND YOU are hurt?

Incredulous does not cover how I felt. And Happy to drive away. Far away.

GL

[tailspin]

Hello Balance

My "aha moment" came after he broke up with me (again) and then wanted me back (again).  I asked for some time to think straight, and by the time I was strong enough to see him (several weeks) he had already changed his mind.  It was over.  Again.

His arrogance about the entire event was staggering, telling me "nothing has changed" when all it ever did was change from one minute to the next.  I realized, at that exact moment, that I had been waiting for him to make my life better and this was MY job.  I left without looking back, blocked him from contact, and haven't heard from him since.  That was a little over a year ago now.

tailspin

[FindingMe2011]

What was your aha moment where you realized you couldn't change them but you could change you?

Peace,

SB

SB,

Actually, through out my life, I had many  moments, that should have been Aha moments Better late than never, and with dysfunction as my normal, this was impossible for me to see, until the bottom dropped out, and I began to question everything.  I then found my way to these boards, and from day one,(reading How a BPD r/s evolves) it was Aha city. Although it didnt compute for a while, I knew the info, that yourself, 2010, PD Quick, and some others had, was going to help me create a path, for my healing, to find what I had been searching for, PEACE. Seeing this word at the end of your posts and replies, helped me dig just that much more. I wanted to feel it, and from the first day I actually did, I implemented this word into my own responses.  Words cant express the gratitude I have. Along with everything else, its allowed me the ability to teach my children, to become aware of their own behaviors. Something they can take with them, long after Im gone.  .  PEACE back at cha

[myself]

When I finally acknowledged that I'd had enough. I stood up straight, dusted myself off, and shook myself free from that doormat shape I'd been helping myself stay in. It didn't matter if what I was doing was for the relationship or not. If she wasn't going to be with me as equals, then the final result was never going to add up properly. So I took a deep breath, took the plunge, and have been taking my own life back ever since.

[maria1]

Great question- for me I clearly remember 24 hours where I started looking outside of me and him and I began to feel the beginnings of the pull of 'me'.

I had spent 12 hours of madness having put the wrong fuel in my car after leaving his house in tears when he had asked me why I was looking at him like I wanted 'to f**k him' (he had ended the relationship but was doing crazy push/pull stuff). I knew nothing about BPD.

I sniffed a world outside of the confusion. I made plans to meet my best friend for a drink and I started looking at the world differently, with the possibility of a future that was about ME. I didn't know what it meant but it felt like one positive seed amongst the horror.

[smartwoman220]

The very last incident we had, I realized that he would not be able to help me the way needed in life.  No matter how many times I said it, or how I screamed it. , he wouldn't hear what I said if it was difrent than what he wanted, and that he would do whatever he had to keep us on the same page ( the. One he choose if course, that would benefit him) even if it meant hurting me.


The deal was sealed when I realized that I don't really miss him. I'm bored,  and an idol mind is the. Devils play ground,  and I realize that talking to him and thinking about him habit.  A bad one.  But hell it only takes 21 days to break a habit.

I know ill be ok now

[Phoenix.Rising]

  Seeking Balance,

I've been having Aha moments for almost a year now, but detaching has and is a slow process for me.  I attempted a friendship with my ex BPD with limited success.  We were able to have some conversations that may have not been possible when I didn't have the tools I learned on the Staying board, but the same overall patterns repeated.  She would want to see, then not want to see me, speak endearing words one evening, and turn to stone the next morning.  We did not resume a sexual relationship.  I'll admit I desired it at times, but a big part of me genuinely just wanted to be friendly with her.  But in my heart of hearts, I began feeling it was futile.  Her attention seeking from men seems to be worse, and me still having deeper feelings for her made that part of it unendurable for me.

I believe she's an alcoholic, and I am a recovering alcoholic.  That in itself would likely eventually bring me down.  The Aha this time was when the familiar gut wrenching, I cannot sleep, pain returned.  Pure torture.

The worst part of a relationship or friendship with her for me, I believe, was the ever present not knowing.  When we were dating, I started wondering if she was going break up again, or say she needed some space (which translated to silent treatment) or flip from sweet and caring to what I would call sociopathic, or very close to it. 

I cannot trust her to be consistent, but if I am honest with myself and radically accept this mental illness for what it is, then that is par for course.  I don't want to do it anymore.  I started feeling so empty again, and I was losing me again.  I have to take care of me, and she has nothing to give me when I'm down.  That's not her fault, per say, but that's the reality. 

My Aha is that if I continue to try to get a drink from a dry well, I am going to starve to death.  I recently told her I needed some space and that she would probably not hear from me for a while.

[maria1]

Phoenix Rising- That sounds very painful. I'm so sorry you're going through that right now but it sounds like you are looking to your own needs and that is a big step. I hope we can all help and support you as you move forward. x

[owdrs]

for my 50th bday we went out with family. and stayed overnight at cousins house. as night proceeded w got more angry at me for not staying with her and ignoring my family. but the worst came when we went to bed and she raged at me for 3 hours--til 400am... .  on my 'big' night. horrible.

then she was 'ashamed and embarrassed' by her behavior the next day-as usual. i felt like i was tortured. and sure enough two days later she was mad at me for not meeting her halfway in her effort to make our marriage better; as in 'i'm being nice, it would be nice if you noticed more and were nice too'. its magical how it always gets shifted to my fault.

btw-i love the analogy of pouring yourself into a cup with a hole--until you run out of stuff to pour--then you have to leave just to fill yourself again and find a new cup without a hole in it. exactly right.

owdrs

[Wimowe]

Her attention seeking from men seems to be worse, and me still having deeper feelings for her made that part of it unendurable for me... .  

The worst part of a relationship or friendship with her for me, I believe, was the ever present not knowing.

For me the combination of these was extremely painful and wounding.

[bb12]

Hey SB

Mine occurred on a night where his mood changed on a dime.

He had come to my place and he started being incredibly rude and sarcastic

I asked him why he'd bothered trekking all the way across town to see me, only to treat me so badly that I was left with no choice but to ask you to leave

He sent a text from the train that addressed none of the nights issues nor resembled an apology.

I realised I would never get anything mature from him so began to explore why I had settled for this moody, petulant, selfish man as my partner

I waxed and waned from there, and often fought ( with myself) to win back his favour. But he emotionally checked out very quickly and gave me the silent treatment, leaving me to explore and get to know myself for the first time in my life

The gift of the borderline!

Bb12

[charred]

Aha moment... .  I was so stressed out I couldn't sleep and was getting nervous hives, wanted to see doctor for anti-anxiety meds, she wouldn't do that, said talk to someone and what was on my mind. Told her a little about the pressure my pwBPD was putting on me to be hateful toward my exwife and how she was coming between daughter and I, and that she insisted i put her first before anyone else. Doctor said "Run, don't walk away from the relationship." I went to a T, he agreed with my medical doctor and pointed me toward mindfulness (Eckart Tolle's "A new Earth" to be exact) and I read and did the exercises and my stress level plummeted to below normal for first time since I had been in r/s with pwBPD. Honestly there were lots and lots of moments that should have been "Aha"... .  I just ignored the  .

Went NC, and have been pretty much steady with it and I have had the FOG lift, and had a few opportunities to date, had my exwife indicate maybe we could get things worked out... .  and have taken the hard path of working on myself, and not jumping in to any r/s. I have gone out some, in fact I have a breakfast date in a few hours, but it will be social only, till I get a clear feeling that I, not anyone else am making my decisions, and my irrational desire to be with my exBPDgf is adequately dealt with. Ordered 3 books on attachment theory that sounded relevant to what has come up in T, trying to figure out where I went wrong enough to be willing to get sucked in to an r/s with such a disordered person... .  and more to the point, why I would allow anyone to be so abusive as she has been with me. (Took a lot of the hater stuff... .  way too much.)

[BleedsOrange]

The most important ones were the final ones. She was engaged two months out, married two weeks later and those were pretty big reminders of what I knew before the relationship, when we were friends :WHOAH that broad is sweet but MESSED UP.

Then I started spending a lot of time with and casually dating a genuinely sweet, caring, loving, honest yet kind, strikingly beautiful woman. Then I remembered that only can I not change her, but I dont want anything to do with that mess. Being around someone who is so great helps me remember that There's some things in myself that I need to be mindful of so that this awesome, repectful, fun and honest thing stays that way.

Rebound? Maybe. But it is what it is. What it is and the fact that I went through a lot, by my own choice, is open and transparent. What she wants and needs is open and transparent. The comfort of that contrast. Is the final AHA. It is behind me and thank god it is.

[lost007]

AHA. When she let me know that when my kids came in for Christmas that she was going to sit them down and show them the divorce papers I had filed-we had agreed to keep things calm for the kids during the holidays. She was going to tell them everything! All I had done to her. And she said she was not bluffing. Then she wants to know when my kids are coming. Says she will not be disruptive. I teeter on letting my kids come and know a tsunami is coming-or potentially coming-or time to get out. AHA!

[Seb]

I'd definitely begun detaching slowly, but after hearing what a friend said about her girlfriend it made me stand back and take stock - the amount of real love there was really touching. Before I'd always clung to the fact that my girlfriend had loved me... .  but, no amount of wonderful words from her would make up for her actions. Has anyone seen that wedding speech from the guy from McFly doing the rounds? It's amazing, and heartfelt and real. I cried watching it. That's what I want.

I think it's really true that we show people how we want them to treat us - this is what I'm working on - building my self-esteem and self-respect.  

So yeah it wasn't so much a moment , but a dawning realisation that people do have healthy, yet deeply intense and real relationships. It was seeing what my friend wrote, and watching that video that made me realise... .  that's what I want. I want the real thing, not a fantasy. I want someone who truly loves me, who really takes the time to know me, respects me and would never hurt me... .  not someone that just needs me.  So yeah this  last week or so has been amazing for my personal growth... .  I'm finally feeling like me again.

The bottom line is... .  no matter who ended it, she would never have given me what I needed from her. It's not her fault, its not my fault. I want a healthy, reciprocal and honest relationship, and she can never give me that.  It makes it far less painful to accept that. I don't feel like I'm missing out anymore. For the first time in ages I feel excited about my future and the possibilities ahead of me, and with this lesson and the hardwork, hopefully find a better match for me.

[lost not dead]

    I would say my ah ha came in two stages. The first was two weeks before our oldest D16 birthday. We were all out having what seemed to be a great night. I felt like thank God my whole family is together and happy. Wrong! My wife said something to our eldest, who hates her mom for the years of mental abuse, and the D said I want to move in with grandma and stormed off. I went after her and calmed things down. When I retured the look in the wifes eyes was pure evil and hate. She screamed at me that I loved the D more and she was never coming back. I felt like I was being punished fo rbeing happy. The second was on vacation. The wife works out of state and we went to spend time with her. When I had driven the RV far enough away fro home she felt I wouldn't go back I got blasted for not answering yet another text while driving a 26000 pound vehicle down the highway. I knew something was wrong and I ended up here a month later and the lights came on.

[TeaAmongRoses]

My guy left in anger one weekend. He didn't say where he was going and he didn't call. When he came back he asked to see my hand and took my wedding ring off, retutned it to my finger and pledged to start our relationship anew. I woke the next morning full of deadening dread and realized I couldn't go one more day let alone start over. I made us a healthy breakfast of grapefruit halves and oatmeal and told him I couldn't do it anymore.

I can't say that was when I started to work on me instead of tying to manage him. There isn't a clear memory of that. I do know that when I started seeing a therapist who encouraged me to stand by my needs HE started to get really angry and intolerant of me. But I needed encouragement from another to do that because my nature was to be accommodating at all costs to myself. 

[Wooddragon]

Charred - Eckart Tolle has been a huge influence & help to me as well 

Seb - thanks for expressing so well what I think many of us feel - for me, now - I doubt that I will ever want to be in another relationship but hopefully that might change one day.

My aha was when I realised that on every occasion that I had given him the benefit of the doubt - & therefore discounted my own perceptions, didnt have any concept of my own needs & boundaries & completely disregarded my own feelings (to the extent that I even allowed myself to be aware of them) - I was wrong. Wrong in believing his version of "the facts" (because I wanted to so badly) & wrong to care so little for myself

[FindingMe2011]

Charred - Eckart Tolle has been a huge influence & help to me as well 

Seb - thanks for expressing so well what I think many of us feel - for me, now - I doubt that I will ever want to be in another relationship but hopefully that might change one day.

My aha was when I realised that on every occasion that I had given him the benefit of the doubt - & therefore discounted my own perceptions, didnt have any concept of my own needs & boundaries & completely disregarded my own feelings (to the extent that I even allowed myself to be aware of them) - I was wrong. Wrong in believing his version of "the facts" (because I wanted to so badly) & wrong to care so little for myself

So you were wrong, and you have the ability to learn some new things, and implement them into your life. Just as high as you were with your past partner, your words hit the other end of the spectrum. There are over 4 billion people in this world. Your past set you up to interact, with a small portion. Giving up on humanity, in general is not the answer... .  I wish you well, PEACE

[Elsegundo]

Like others, I've  had a few AHA's.

One, after a recycle when she wanted the chance to be exlusive (against my better judgement) and she'd show me how ready she was for us, we had a few great days followed by one where she said having me at a holiday meal w/her BFFs couldn't work b/c she "couldn't attend to me" and I was very "demanding of her attention" and "might be weird" to these friends I'd met a million times with whom I got along great.  She raged over what seemed like such a small thing, and I with no plans for the holiday was rejected by the woman who wanted to show me she was all in days before.  I realized her reality and mine were totally different, and that wouldn't change.

The other AHA was the next day when I was hanging out with friends and realized how easy it was, how "ME" I felt, and how NOT EASY EVERY LITTLE THING had become with ex, and started to see how FOG'd I was.

[seeking balance]

great responses everyone - thanks for sharing.

Part 2 - so, we had our AHA moment or moments - now what did we change about ourselves from that?

For me, the most drastic was probably my mindset... .  having to accept that I loved and trusted someone who just wasn't the person "advertised"... .  she wasn't ever going to be capable of being that person.  I then had to accept that MY recovery was up to me - the tools were pretty clear, but in doing it meant I would have to feel all the pain.  So, I guess my "aha" moment lead to probably the most emotional pain that I have experienced... .  wow - never thought of it that way before.

Radical acceptance - emotionally mature people deal with the hand dealt - not easy at all sometimes.

What changed for you in your aha moment?

[armsreach]

My moment came when I was talking with a friend about being miserable in the r/s and wanting to leave. I was saying that I was tired of being the one who was "wrong" all the time, blamed for everything and said that I thought my h's behavior was "abnormal." She said, "well, duh! so what are you going to do about it?"  I told her I was going to divorce my h once we could "afford" it. She laughed and told me to read Co-Dependent No More. The next day, a neighbor told me she was reading SWOE cause her h's behavior seemed erratic. I found it at the library, and within a couple of chapters, I realized that, even if my h does not have BPD, this book hit really close to home. I then realized that it truly WAS my responsibility to focus on myself and not him. I cannot change or save him, though God knows how I've tried. I did get Co-Dependent No More a couple of weeks later (my bookstore was out) and began to really understand myself in a way I never really had before.  I think all of this, though hell to live through, has been really good for me. i know myself a lot better, and I truly love myself. I don't think I ever really did before.