Boyfriend recently diagnosed with BPD, I need help now for myself too

[lojo]

We have only been dating for 9  months. In the beginning it was wonderful, I thought I had met the Man of my dreams.   Things gradually started to change, teasing in a sarcastic and hurtful way. Angry outbursts that seemed to come from nowhere and for no real reason. I have been through the love bombing, all the cycles more than once and have been on and off several times. During our last break he tried to commit suicide, he was diagnosed with BPD. I have done lots of reading and finally found this site.  I feel there may be hope but I am scared. With some of the things that have taken place I am devastated. My heart has been broken over and over again.  Before the diagnosis I tried very hard to help him but nothing worked. He cannot control his emotions at all and I get the brunt of all his abuse. This has now affected me and my own mental health.  I have tried to understand him and what he goes through but I too suffer from a mood disorder, which for the  most part is under control until he triggers me by something he has done.  It seems I trigger him with everything I do and say.  We are on another break and I think we have both given up.  We are both scared to lose each other.  He is in counselling and I too have reached out for help.  I'm not so sure I can deal with this considering my own mental health issues. I tend to suffer from depression.  Basically I have shut down. He is a mess and left town for a week.  Not sure where to begin or should I just end this? Its been a roller coaster ride and I want off. We used to be able to go a few days without an issue but now its hours and something new, he has started sticking his tongue out at me constantly.  His face has so much anger and there is hate in his eyes.   I am actually scared of him right now. He is completely off balance.

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[SaltyDawg]

LoJo,

   My heart goes out to you, I am sending you some virtual hugs 

   I have known always known something was wrong, but I really enjoyed the extended love bombing, got married, and then we got pregnant, and that is when my wife turned me black.  My wife has had 6 suicide attempts, 5 domestic violence against me, in addition to the some of the stuff that you have attributed to your boyfriend [everything except the sticking out the tongue bit].  You being scared is a very valid feeling, and please do self-help with your own therapist on this.

   I am glad you are in individual therapy, I too am in therapy, and it has been very helpful.  I have have discovered that I am likely a 'codependent', and reading the book “Stop Caretaking the Borderline Or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get on with Life” by Margalis Fjelstad is a 99% match for me being a caretaker.  I highly recommend this book for your situation as I think it may resonate with you as well.  It will help you decide the question(s) that you have of your own relationship.

   Another book that I found extremely helpful is “Stop Walking on Eggshells” by Paul T. Mason and Randi Kreger as it has a great assessment tool in it, and has more tools to help you cope with a relationship with a person with BPD.

   I also recommend doing other forms of self-help too, like exercise, losing yourself in a good book/movie/tv series, etc.  Whatever makes you feel good. [except perhaps emotional eating, I do that too much].

   With regards to therapy, while there are several types that help borderlines, the current standard it DBT, I highly recommend it for yourself in addition to your boyfriend.  I have found those tools to be incredibly helpful.

   Keep in mind only you can take care of yourself, and you cannot fix him.

   Take care.

We have only been dating for 9  months. In the beginning it was wonderful, I thought I had met the Man of my dreams.   Things gradually started to change, teasing in a sarcastic and hurtful way. Angry outbursts that seemed to come from nowhere and for no real reason. I have been through the love bombing, all the cycles more than once and have been on and off several times. During our last break he tried to commit suicide, he was diagnosed with BPD. I have done lots of reading and finally found this site.  I feel there may be hope but I am scared. With some of the things that have taken place I am devastated. My heart has been broken over and over again.  Before the diagnosis I tried very hard to help him but nothing worked. He cannot control his emotions at all and I get the brunt of all his abuse. This has now affected me and my own mental health.  I have tried to understand him and what he goes through but I too suffer from a mood disorder, which for the  most part is under control until he triggers me by something he has done.  It seems I trigger him with everything I do and say.  We are on another break and I think we have both given up.  We are both scared to lose each other.  He is in counselling and I too have reached out for help.  I'm not so sure I can deal with this considering my own mental health issues. I tend to suffer from depression.  Basically I have shut down. He is a mess and left town for a week.  Not sure where to begin or should I just end this? Its been a roller coaster ride and I want off. We used to be able to go a few days without an issue but now its hours and something new, he has started sticking his tongue out at me constantly.  His face has so much anger and there is hate in his eyes.   I am actually scared of him right now. He is completely off balance.

[lojo]

SaltyDawg,   I am hoping I am responding correctly, this is the first time I have used this site.   Thank you for caring, responding and for the advice, yes I believe I am somewhat codependent.  Will check out the books you have suggested. This whole relationship has been a roller coaster so far.  He is out of town right now, but I sent him a text telling him about this site and that this is the first time ever I have come across so much helpful information and all in one place.  Being able to talk to people as well as my therapist will be awesome.  I was feeling so alone and lost in all that has happened.  Thanks again.   

[Rev]

SaltyDawg,   I am hoping I am responding correctly, this is the first time I have used this site.   Thank you for caring, responding and for the advice, yes I believe I am somewhat codependent.  Will check out the books you have suggested. This whole relationship has been a roller coaster so far.  He is out of town right now, but I sent him a text telling him about this site and that this is the first time ever I have come across so much helpful information and all in one place.  Being able to talk to people as well as my therapist will be awesome.  I was feeling so alone and lost in all that has happened.  Thanks again.  

Hi LoJo,

And welcome to BPD Family. Really sorry that you have found yourself in this kind of a relationship dynamic AND really happy you have found us.  

You've named a common state of mind we all feel in some way - the part that I have highlighted in bold.  For some it is discouraging, others shocking, and still others scary even. You mention some of that in your first post. I encourage you to heed calls to take care of yourself - including your own safety.   Sawlty Dog has mentioned DBT as a possible approach for  you and he rightly says that there are many kinds of therapy approaches. Generally speaking, the biggest factor in successful therapy is to make sure that you have the respect and listening ear of your therapist in such a way that you feel free to affirm your strengths and needs.  The more you find self-assurance in therapy, the more you can translate self-affirmation in your day to day life.

Besides listening, is there something we might support you in?  Like is there a question or a dilemma in particular that seems heavier right now?  Is it the roller coaster you mention - the one you say you want off of?

In the meantime, just know that this is a really great step you've taken.

Hang in there.

Reach out any time.

Rev

[lojo]

I think my greatest concern right now is the fact that my boyfriend just got out of the hospital due to the suicide attempt.  While in the hospital he lost his home...long story...but his family got involved and now he is living in a motel.  He has very little money, no job, and his greatest fears are where he will live and he is terrified of losing me.    I have my own home and he could move in with me but with everything that has happened I think that would be a big mistake, considering we are at the very beginning of our journey with his diagnosis of BPD.  There has been a lot of damage done to our relationship but thanks to this site I can now see how my part in all of this has triggered some of his issues.   In any case, I'm not sure if I can help him in finding a job and a place to live. I got the hotel room set up for him but he does not have the funds to stay there.  I know I would not be able to handle living with him at this point. Far to soon to live together even as room-mates, but I worry about him becoming homeless.  He says, he will have to move away because he has no where else to go.  He has been telling me this since we first met.  Not sure how to approach this topic with him, without making him feel abandoned,  which is his greatest fear of all.

[Rev]

I think my greatest concern right now is the fact that my boyfriend just got out of the hospital due to the suicide attempt.  While in the hospital he lost his home...long story...but his family got involved and now he is living in a motel.  He has very little money, no job, and his greatest fears are where he will live and he is terrified of losing me.    I have my own home and he could move in with me but with everything that has happened I think that would be a big mistake, considering we are at the very beginning of our journey with his diagnosis of BPD.  There has been a lot of damage done to our relationship but thanks to this site I can now see how my part in all of this has triggered some of his issues.   In any case, I'm not sure if I can help him in finding a job and a place to live. I got the hotel room set up for him but he does not have the funds to stay there.  I know I would not be able to handle living with him at this point. Far to soon to live together even as room-mates, but I worry about him becoming homeless.  He says, he will have to move away because he has no where else to go.  He has been telling me this since we first met.  Not sure how to approach this topic with him, without making him feel abandoned,  which is his greatest fear of all.

Just wanted to let you know I've read this and will take some time to think about a response.

Approaching anyone with their mental wellness needs is touchy at any time. There's no one size fits all.

In the meantime I'd invite you to check out what your intuition and I'll check in tomorrow?

Sound ok?

Rev

[lojo]

Hi Rev,  Yes, sounds good.  Thank you.

[Woolspinner2000]

Welcome lojo, 

I see you've already met a couple members here that have shared some good thoughts. I'm so sorry for what brought you here but glad you found us. 

I agree that you will learn a lot about yourself here and also about BPD. Let me encourage you to not lose you in the process of focusing on what your SO needs. It's so easy to get lost because we focus on trying to help them and somehow we struggle to get back to our own self care.

You've mentioned that he has fear of abandonment, so I thought I'd post this link in case there might be something helpful in it for you.

Let me know what you think.

 
Wools

[lojo]

Wools,   thank you for your response and the link to abandonment issues.  I found it very helpful.  Sometimes it is so hard to understand where all my b/f feelings come from, they rarely make any sense to me, although I do try to understand. It very hard and super frustrating at times.   I appreciate your help.  Thanks lojo

[SaltyDawg]

Will check out the books you have suggested.

The book suggestions I made are for you, not him. 

If you want books for him, get him the following:

A couple of good books for pwBPD [persons with BPD] are:

"I Hate You-- Don't Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality" by Hal Straus and Jerold Jay Kreisman

"Sometimes I Act Crazy: Living with Borderline Personality Disorder" by Hal Straus and Jerold Jay Kreisman

This whole relationship has been a roller coaster so far.  He is out of town right now, but I sent him a text telling him about this site and that this is the first time ever I have come across so much helpful information and all in one place.  Being able to talk to people as well as my therapist will be awesome.  I was feeling so alone and lost in all that has happened.  Thanks again. 

I am also going to give you a statement of !  If you give him the link to this site, direct him only to the 'bettering' board.  If he reads stuff on the other ones, there is a very good chance he will be very triggered, and it will not be pretty from an emotional perspective.

I have read on facebook groups by borderlines for borderlines that this is the case when they visit a site like this.  I cannot endorse any of these groups in public, and there is plenty of triggering content there too, a facebook search can be helpful in this regard.

I also have read your other line of questions that others indicated that they will get back with you tomorrow.  You are asking a lot of good questions, questions that you need to answer for yourself.  I think you are being prudent; and have come up with a reasonable 'short term' management of the pressing issues that you desire answers for.

I feel that you should do as much research as you can, to love someone with borderline has some rewards, but also has much heartache, and requires more unconditional love than most other types of relationships and can be very hard in the long run as when they have episodes they will lash out at the ones they love the most, and for now that person is you. 

I have been with my uBPDw [undiagnosed BPD wife] for just over 22 years, and we will be married for 20 years this April.  I am committed to my wife, and to my children, and it can be very tough.  She presents as a high functioning conventional, and borderlines exist on a spectrum like any other mental health issue.

Let the dust settle, follow your moral compass; however, do learn, and assess what is best for you first and foremost.

Be mindful to do some self-care, exercise, or whatever that looks like for you.

Take care.  Ask questions.  We are here for you.

[lojo]

No, I won't be giving him the link to this site.  He is in therapy so I am sure he is or will be dealing with his bpd, he has only had three sessions.   I know what you mean about his being triggered and I agree all this information would be too much for him right now anyway.   I will however get those books for him.  I really appreciate all your advice and I know this is not going to be an easy or quick fix.   I just needed more information as to what I was dealing with so I can at least try to understand what he is going through.  Right now he is back to love bombing and the cycle is starting over. The cycles are weekly...so nothing stays the same for long.  At least now I know what to expect. I have a lot of decisions to make for myself and whether I will be able to continue this relationship, there is so much involved and I am not a youngster by any means. Not sure I have it in me, the past 9 months has drained me.  Self care will be top priority from this point forward.  Thanks again.   lojo

[Rev]

Post 1

I think my greatest concern right now is the fact that my boyfriend just got out of the hospital due to the suicide attempt.  While in the hospital he lost his home...long story...but his family got involved and now he is living in a motel.  He has very little money, no job, and his greatest fears are where he will live and he is terrified of losing me.   I have my own home and he could move in with me but with everything that has happened I think that would be a big mistake, considering we are at the very beginning of our journey with his diagnosis of BPD.  There has been a lot of damage done to our relationship but thanks to this site I can now see how my part in all of this has triggered some of his issues.   In any case, I'm not sure if I can help him in finding a job and a place to live. I got the hotel room set up for him but he does not have the funds to stay there.  I know I would not be able to handle living with him at this point. Far to soon to live together even as room-mates, but I worry about him becoming homeless.  He says, he will have to move away because he has no where else to go.  He has been telling me this since we first met.  Not sure how to approach this topic with him, without making him feel abandoned,  which is his greatest fear of all.

Post 2

No, I won't be giving him the link to this site.  He is in therapy so I am sure he is or will be dealing with his bpd, he has only had three sessions.   I know what you mean about his being triggered and I agree all this information would be too much for him right now anyway.   I will however get those books for him.  I really appreciate all your advice and I know this is not going to be an easy or quick fix.   I just needed more information as to what I was dealing with so I can at least try to understand what he is going through.  Right now he is back to love bombing and the cycle is starting over. The cycles are weekly...so nothing stays the same for long.  At least now I know what to expect. I have a lot of decisions to make for myself and whether I will be able to continue this relationship, there is so much involved and I am not a youngster by any means. Not sure I have it in me, the past 9 months has drained me.  Self care will be top priority from this point forward.  Thanks again.   lojo

Good morning LoJo,

Congratulations on so much soul searching self awareness.  

Everybody has a different approach here and you've got the benefit of three. Woolsie (who is someone who reached out to me in the early parts of my healing - I was such a mess I couch surfed for six weeks before I got myself back on my feet) is just so talented at finding the right words to support a person in their self care efforts - to name things as they are and to legitimately say - It's okay to say to your partner "That's not okay for you to treat me like that." Woolsie carries compassion in heart like no one I have met. You can have compassion for yourself and for your partner, Lojo, without taking on his problems to the point that it does you damage. You've already said as much. I'm just restating the obvious.

Sawlty here, he has a different journey and so has a different perspective. 20 years commitment in any relationship takes work, we all know that. He's done some research and the resources he offers are all good ones. That too, you've already expressed appreciation for. Again, I'm just restating the obvious.

The piece that I want to add is some perspective. You're on the bettering board, which suggests to me that you are trying to improve something in your relationship and stave off a complete rupture. It's clear to me that you a) care for this person on the one hand and b) have concerns about whether this relationship is good for you (which is different than saying "worth it" - or something like that).  We really are in the realm of self care here.

Personally, I am a big believer in getting a clear view of yourself and taking out the emotional charge of the situation as best as possible before making any decisions - easier said than done when we are in a relationship with someone with BPD or any personality disorder.  The key, from this point of thinking, is to lean on what Woolsie is saying, use the tools that Sawlty has offered, to get to a place where a) you trust your intuition more and b) you find a way to "respond rather than react".  We can respond with tremendous compassion, for example, sacrifice even. The key is that to stay healthy, to go there needs to be an informed choice.

Make sense so far?

Next step that I'd invite you to do is to look at the parts I've high-lighted and see the message that those parts, on their own, speak about your state of mind.  There's no right or wrong to this, just what is.  What do you see if and when you do this?

I'd add the following observation:

I'm not sure where your thoughts are regarding boundaries. Where I am going with this is that there are two basic ways to see the process of setting them.

From my POV, the more common way is to say : These are the behaviors that I will no longer tolerate from others.

The less common way, from my POV, is to say: These are my limitations and anything beyond them I will find the fortitude and self compassion to let drop.  

Woolsie's words and the suggested resources combined can bring you to this place.  Under no circumstances should you invite your partner here. I know that you have said that you won't and yet I am reiterating this piece just in case someone else might misunderstand.  

So that's where I will stop at this stage.

What do you think? What does what I write evoke in you?

Hang in there.

Reach out any time.

Rev

[lojo]

Wow, it is amazing how much I am finding out about my state of mind, just going back and reading my posts and then reading all the responses.  I finally feel that  my feelings are being validated. Up to now my b/f w/bpd has apologized for all the horrible things he has put me through, he calls himself a Monster.  Then in the next breath, everything is my fault and I caused it all.  He is telling me he needs to set boundaries. He is telling me that I need help. I have been feeling like I am going crazy and have started looking more at myself than at what he has done. After his last therapy session he came over to see me and was so angry, he was spitting mad and blamed me for everything.  I did not realize just how much the bpd affected his thinking and behaviour.  This is all new to me.  The first time he really attacked me verbally and basically shredded me, we were out of town, camping, and since I went with him I could not leave.  He degraded and devalued everything about me, even asking me why did I even come camping with him, among a lot of other horrible things.  I just stood there in shock, I was terrified, that after love bombing me for months had in fact turned into the Monster he called himself.  I was stuck for 6 days with him, so far from home and no way to leave.  At that point he owed me a lot of money.  I swore when he paid me back what he owed, I would end the relationship. The only question I asked him after days of tearing me down was, you told me, you loved me, you said I was the best thing that ever happened to you.  That was when he said,  "I only told you things I knew you wanted to hear."  I was devastated. I have never been so hurt or felt so used.   How did I not see this coming?  I knew he had anger issues but never dreamed he would attack me in such a horrific way.  Sorry I am rambling here and totally off topic and not responding properly to all your help.  Venting.   I am a mess right now.  He is on his way back into town and can't wait to see me.  He is back to the love bombing and I am scared to even see him, trying to have boundaries, when I have no idea how to even begin, because no matter what I say, even in a loving and understanding way, his anger stops me in my tracks.  Everything he has done and said to me makes me feel broken. I just found out about his bpd so this site has been helpful the last two days.  Now I have to take care of me, because I have been taking care of him since the day we met and now I am the one that is ill, depressed and feeling helpless.   I am going to get all the books suggested for me and continue asking for help on this site.  I will respond properly to your post, I am just a mess right now.   I do appreciate your help and support. Will go back now and re read your post and respond properly.

[lojo]

Yes, I do care about him. When he is being nice and loving it is wonderful, but he can turn at the drop of a hat. It is so confusing.  I was so happy to find this site and all the support, I am just feeling stuck right now.  Not sure how to move forward with him or even if I should at all.  I know it will only be a matter of time before he turns on me again. Could be a few hours or a few days.  Everyone here has been so helpful and I appreciate all the advice. As you can tell by my last post I am a mess.  Fear, because I will see him soon and the drama will start all over. One thing for sure is I have been given some great advice here from all of you.  Now to put it into practice and start the healing process.  My b/f has severe BPD among many other health issues.  He has become so dependent on me, it seems he cannot make a decision without me, except for those he makes out of pure anger and to hurt me.   It is almost daily now and I freeze every time he lashes out.  He will not let me speak, he cuts me off, I am not allowed to voice an opinion or explain how I feel because he will not listen to me.  That was before he left town. I have no idea what he will be like when he returns today. I think to be honest, I am at the point where I know in my heart that this relationship will never work. It is going to take years of therapy for him and who knows if he will actually put the work in to get better.  He says he is really trying hard.  All this is so new to me.  I am almost 70, he is younger, I am thinking I just want my peace and quiet back. Life is too short for this much drama and pain.  Investing any more time in this may be the biggest mistake I have ever made in my life.  Then I think, what if one day he wakes up and realizes who he is and what he does, if he gets better, then I will have lost out on that wonderful Man inside that in the beginning brought me so much happiness.  Will he ever come back and stay?  Or will the rest of my life be a roller coaster full of pain and disappointment. Yup, I am a mess for sure.  Thanks again for all the advice.  You are all a bunch of wonderful people.

[lojo]

I have tried to set up boundaries, I did set up boundaries, almost like a contract that we went over together.  We both signed it. We promised not to do or say the things that triggered us. It's not easy because it seems we trigger each other constantly.  In any case, he has broken every boundary he agreed to.  Every single one, over and over, but when I tried to bring it to his attention.  He got mad, twisted everything I said around and again it was all my fault.  So, he got mad and left town, which I think was what he wanted to do anyway and it was easier to leave if we were fighting.  Is this the way it will always be ? So far nothing has worked for me. Like I said, we both just found out about his diagnosis so this is new to both of us.  I don't know enough yet about BPD or how long it will take to get better or if he even can.  He has had a horrific life from the beginning. These traits he has are life long. Is it even possible to change after 60 plus years?   We don't have that many years left and from what I have read it could take him 5 to 10 years to get better. I may not even be alive that long and that is a sad, to spend my golden years in a living hell.   

[Rev]

Then I think, what if one day he wakes up and realizes who he is and what he does, if he gets better, then I will have lost out on that wonderful Man inside that in the beginning brought me so much happiness.

If this is in fact true, that it might happen, then there is no risk in giving yourself space. Because a good man would recognize why you did that.

Just a thought.

I am also wondering where your fear comes from. If you don't let him to encroach and demand from you more than you are able to give, is there something else to be afraid of that I am missing?

Hang in there.

Maybe take a break and have a warm bath to soothe yourself - or something like that.

What do you think?

Rev

Ps - maybe you have seen this article here?  https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-does-it-take-be-relationship

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi again, lojo,

I'm thankful that you keep posting and telling us more about the circumstances in your life. Don't worry about how all over the place you feel. Sharing your feelings and even learning what your feelings and needs are is part of the self care I mentioned, the becoming aware of you. I can see it happening in each successive post, and that's a good thing.

I have going off inside me when I read this:

I am scared to even see him, trying to have boundaries, when I have no idea how to even begin, because no matter what I say, even in a loving and understanding way, his anger stops me in my tracks.  Everything he has done and said to me makes me feel broken. 

One of the most challenging (and in my opinion crazy making things) is how upside down we get turned when we deal with someone who shows BPD or N traits. The confusion and gaslighting absolutely causes us to question who we are. This is a deep core examination that suddenly twists us into totally losing ourselves, especially in order to please the pwBPD. To be up front and blunt, we lose ourselves. I hear you questioning yourself and fearing the loss of the rest of the life you have. It's good that you are asking yourself these questions. You are the only one who can answer them, no one else. Your boyfriend doesn't to decide that; you get to make your own choices.

Fear is so powerful. I lived in fear for all but the last 2 years of my life, so I really do get what you're saying.

Let's talk about some practical options for you. Since he seems to not understand boundaries at all, what options do you think you might have at your disposal to help keep you safe and have space away from him? Do you expect him to come to your place or would you normally meet him somewhere? Who else do you have in your life that lives close to you (or even farthur away) that supports you such as friends or family?

Thanks for taking time to answer my questions. It'll help us brainstorm with you to think of some ideas.

Holding you close with a hug, 
Wools

[SaltyDawg]

Up to now my b/f w/bpd has apologized for all the horrible things he has put me through, he calls himself a Monster.
My daughter has called my wife a 'monster'.  My wife knows something is wrong, but refuses to accept BPD, and her T [therapist(s)] refuse to diagnose her, even though she shows all of the symptoms in varying degrees.

Then in the next breath, everything is my fault and I caused it all. 
This is the most insidious aspect of the disorder.  You need to have enough self-awareness to realize that you aren't the 'cause' or 'fault' of it.  He is lashing out at you, as he cares for you the most.

He is telling me he needs to set boundaries. He is telling me that I need help.
I got something similar, so I did, with the assistance of a couple's T - and then she proceeded to test those boundaries for the better part of two months.  Crazy Making.

I have been feeling like I am going crazy and have started looking more at myself than at what he has done. After his last therapy session he came over to see me and was so angry, he was spitting mad and blamed me for everything.  I did not realize just how much the bpd affected his thinking and behaviour. 
What you are describing is 'borderline splitting' where they paint you all in a black light, to them you become a pure evil Disney villain, and they believe it.  Something in their mind lets loose, and they believe what they are saying, but on the other hand they don't mean it as they don't ever want to hurt you. They express their raw emotion, with a multiplier, with absolutely no filter at all.

This is all new to me. 
The first time this happened to me, I was absolutely dumbfounded, or 'shock' as you put it, it was almost exactly two weeks after we finished our honeymoon [2-1/2 years into the relationship at this point, married for 5 weeks].  It ended as quickly as it started when I told her "I was baited and switched", she reverted back to love bombing [splitting me white] after she gave me the out of leaving the marriage, and I indicated to her that I might take her up on it [I had no clue as to what BPD was back then, but in retrospect, it re-activated her fear of abandonment]. 

I swore when he paid me back what he owed, I would end the relationship. The only question I asked him after days of tearing me down was, you told me, you loved me, you said I was the best thing that ever happened to you.  That was when he said,  "I only told you things I knew you wanted to hear." 
In retrospect, this is my 2nd dance in a borderline relationship.  My first relationship , was both undiagnosed BPD/NPD, and I got out ethically when she cheated on me, that was a firm boundary, and we weren't too serious when that happened.  This was the late 1990's and she owed by about $50k in loans, I cut my losses and ran, right into the arms of a pure borderline that was much higher functioning.

Since your pwBPD [person with BPD] appears to be telling you the truth, it would appear that he is a true BPD.  My wife is also a pure BPD, she told me point blank when I questioned her early behaviors about her fears of abandonment in terms of "I did ____ becuase I don't want you to leave me".  Mirroring the ideal mate is the chameleon trait that borderlines have to keep you when they are love-bombing you.

I was devastated. I have never been so hurt or felt so used.   How did I not see this coming?  I knew he had anger issues but never dreamed he would attack me in such a horrific way.  Sorry I am rambling here and totally off topic and not responding properly to all your help.  Venting.   I am a mess right now.
You are NOT a 'mess', you are NOT 'off topic' you are processing and are 'properly responding' to what has happened to you, it is illogical, it doesn't make sense, and I can see how you have been 'hurt' and 'used', it is a pretty common feeling of those who care take our love one with BPD - I know exactly how you feel, as do most of the other ones who are on this board.  You didn't see this coming, as you were likely 'blinded by love' of being with the image of a perfect person in your mind. 

He is on his way back into town and can't wait to see me.  He is back to the love bombing and I am scared to even see him, trying to have boundaries, when I have no idea how to even begin, because no matter what I say, even in a loving and understanding way, his anger stops me in my tracks. 
My wife's anger used to 'shut me down' immediately and all the time [it is a paralyzing feeling], this is something that I have learned in the past 2 months of a 22 year relationship.  Look up the narcissistic abuse cycle, which is also present in the borderline, it is exactly as you describe...

1. Love bombing --> 2. Devalue --> 3. Discard --> 4. Recycle

The uBPD cycle for me looks like...
1.  Splitting you 'white' - put on a pedestal and made to feel wonderful, you are the perfect person to them [this was and still is very intoxicating to me]
2.  Splitting you 'black' - you can do no good, and I experienced rage on this often, and I was told, I cannot do anything right.
3.  I was shut out completely, even though we were physically in the same household, I was completely stonewalled, given the silent treatment.
4.  She would revert to base line, be normal,  and then go back to step 1, and more  recently straight to step 2.

Everything he has done and said to me makes me feel broken. I just found out about his bpd so this site has been helpful the last two days.  Now I have to take care of me, because I have been taking care of him since the day we met and now I am the one that is ill, depressed and feeling helpless.   I am going to get all the books suggested for me and continue asking for help on this site.  I will respond properly to your post, I am just a mess right now.   I do appreciate your help and support. Will go back now and re read your post and respond properly.
You are not a mess, you are processing what has happened to you.  Being 'split black' does make you feel broken and confused, and if you don't have a strong sense of self, it can be devastating.  I know my wife's comments really eroded my sense of self.  It wasn't until I was in my own individual therapy did I realize what kind of damage my wife's verbal attacks [emotional abuse] caused.

----

Not sure how to move forward with him or even if I should at all. 
That is the million dollar question.  "Should I Stay, or Should I Go?".  I've been there twice, with two different women, and have answered this same question in two different ways, my previous GF was "GO" and my wife is "STAY".  The answer to your question depends on your own moral compass, your needs, and your level of codependence.

I know it will only be a matter of time before he turns on me again. Could be a few hours or a few days.
Unless the cycle is broken, it will repeat, over, and over, and over, and over again.  The few hours to a few days, is a hallmark of BPD.  Ideally both of you must break the cycle; however, we do not live in an ideal world.

If he were to break the cycle, it might look like this, he is self-aware, and wants to do something about it, he will enroll himself in a very difficult therapy regime [DBT is the current gold standard for treatment, although other treatments work too; however, they aren't as effective, ideally treatment would combine many forms of treatment, that is what my wife is receiving, even though my wife is partially self-aware with anger management and other issues but denies BPD].

If you were to break the cycle, it might look like this, you know his historical patterns, you know he will become triggered [you just don't know when, where, how, or why].  You know he really doesn't mean to do this, but he does it anyways.  To me, it means I need to 'pre-forgive' my wife's actions, as I know she does not do this 'intentionally', it is the DBT skill of 'radical acceptance'.  You will also have to learn new communication techniques that are less triggering, a popular one is the SET [Support Empathy Truth] Communication Style.  Learn what triggers him, and avoid those triggers.  Learn not to reactively abuse him [the 'stop caretaking' book describes this cycle], and what your own triggers are - and interrupt those triggers.]  I used to reactively abuse by yelling back when she raged at me.


My b/f has severe BPD among many other health issues.  He has become so dependent on me, it seems he cannot make a decision without me, except for those he makes out of pure anger and to hurt me.   It is almost daily now and I freeze every time he lashes out.  He will not let me speak, he cuts me off, I am not allowed to voice an opinion or explain how I feel because he will not listen to me. 
This is where you need to establish a boundary, and then maintain it.  This is a lot harder than it sounds.  The books will be helpful.  But in essence, I found that a boundary needs to be defined with a clear cut consequence for violating it - you must be willing to enforce that boundary for each and every violation [no exceptions] like you would do with a 2-5 year old child.

Severe example:  If you cheat, I will leave.  Then leave if it happens.
Mild example:  If you yell at me, I will go to another room, and wait for you to calm down.

If he is in a rage, this site encourages "Do Not J.A.D.E."  which is a form of stonewalling.  It can be more accurately described as 'gray rocking' which is a temporary form of stonewalling until things calm down. 

I think to be honest, I am at the point where I know in my heart that this relationship will never work.
I am pretty sure you know the answer to your question.  You probably don't want to face this answer, as you are 70 years young with everything that means.  My 'life coach' has pointed out something similar to me, and I am 55 years old, it becomes more favorable for men, but less so for women as they age.  However, I am morally obligated to protect my children (11 and 16), in addition to marriage vows, and the financial situation I will find myself in if I call it quits, it is not an option for me.

It is going to take years of therapy for him and who knows if he will actually put the work in to get better.  He says he is really trying hard.  All this is so new to me. 
If He IS putting in the effort, and has your support.  It can be put into remission, very much like an alcoholic can be put into remission.  However, you must have strong sense of self, you must have firm boundaries, and you must be able to give him unconditional love with 'radical acceptance' in order to make this work.  It can take as short as 12 weeks, but typically takes 6 months to 2 years, sometimes longer, and even then, a typical relapse is +/- 1 year and intensive therapy will have to be done again.

I am almost 70, he is younger, I am thinking I just want my peace and quiet back. Life is too short for this much drama and pain.  Investing any more time in this may be the biggest mistake I have ever made in my life.  Then I think, what if one day he wakes up and realizes who he is and what he does, if he gets better, then I will have lost out on that wonderful Man inside that in the beginning brought me so much happiness.  Will he ever come back and stay?
I think the same way too.   

Or will the rest of my life be a roller coaster full of pain and disappointment. Yup, I am a mess for sure. 
If left unmanaged, it will be a roller coaster and will get worse, as I and other can attest to.  If it is managed well, it can become bearable, but it will be a continual effort.  You are not a mess, you are sorting and processing your feelings.  Pray on it. Discern what is best for you.  Decide on a direction, and then commit to it.  Re-evaluate in 6 months time if it is the right decision for you.

I have tried to set up boundaries, I did set up boundaries, almost like a contract that we went over together.  We both signed it. We promised not to do or say the things that triggered us. It's not easy because it seems we trigger each other constantly.  In any case, he has broken every boundary he agreed to.  Every single one, over and over, but when I tried to bring it to his attention.  He got mad, twisted everything I said around and again it was all my fault.  So, he got mad and left town, which I think was what he wanted to do anyway and it was easier to leave if we were fighting.  Is this the way it will always be ? So far nothing has worked for me. Like I said, we both just found out about his diagnosis so this is new to both of us. 
That is a good start.  However, you need to find a way to enforce these boundaries, as these boundaries are for your sanity, not his.  See above for some over-simplified versions of boundaries.  Whatever you agree to, make sure you are capable of executing the consequence if the boundary is crossed - if you aren't then they will be ineffective.

I don't know enough yet about BPD or how long it will take to get better or if he even can.  He has had a horrific life from the beginning. These traits he has are life long. Is it even possible to change after 60 plus years?   
BPD is usually established from some soft of childhood trama, it is thought also to be genetic related [I personally think the genetic disposition is due to being exposed to dysregulated emotions from generation to generation].  Some BPD's symptoms moderate when they turn 40-50 [I think it is better coping in some cases].  However my wife is 51, your boyfriend is in his 60's, so the likelihood of either of our cases is slim if it is left alone.  It is possible to change, just like an alcoholic [similar pathologies] can stop drinking.  It is likely easier for an alcoholic to change vs a person with BPD [you cannot stop having emotions], but it is possible with intensive therapy.

We don't have that many years left and from what I have read it could take him 5 to 10 years to get better. I may not even be alive that long and that is a sad, to spend my golden years in a living hell.
I am validating that your self-assessment of your situation is likely to be accurate and realistic.  It is up to you to sort out your feelings and do what is right for you.

This is my personal criteria for my own self-assessment, adopt if you want, or come up with your own:
1.  Is my partner in compliance with my own moral compass [does your partner do any deal breakers for you?  Mine is infidelity, and performing blatantly illegal acts like domestic violence, criminal activity, etc.
2.  Are there children involved with your partner?  If yes, are they old enough or capable enough to be on their own out of the house?
3.  Will you be able to withstand the financial hardship if separation were to occur?
4.  Will you be able to withstand the emotional hardship if separation were to occur? [I am a codependent, so my present answer is 'no' to this one, and this will be very hard for me, I was able to do the previous one for reason #1].

One parting piece of advise:  No matter what you choose, make sure you do 'self-care' in order to maintain your own sanity throughout this ordeal.

Take care, and good luck.

[Turkish]

This site is not tailored for pwBPD (people with BPD), and pwBPD who land here are gently encouraged to go off-site with referrals to resources that can better support them.

Confidentiality and anonymity also keep members safe to safely work and heal on their own.

[lojo]

Once again, thank you everyone for all the advice, understanding and positive reinforcement.  Now that I understand what BPD actually is and that I am not alone in this, I have a different outlook for the future, I feel much stronger now. I know I need to take care of myself, especially my own mental health.  Going forward it will be one day at a time, sticking to the boundaries I have set and preparing myself for what may happen, even if that includes ending the relationship.  I will continue working on myself and my codependent traits.   Thanks again.  Lojo

[SaltyDawg]

Good luck, and take care.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi lojo,

Glad you're doing better and learning. Sounds like you are more understanding of the whole situation now. Please reach out anytime.  It's what we're here for. 

Wools