4 breakups in 4 years

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

 I was with my BPD ex  for over four years. We were engaged to be married, we lived together for almost a year and we broke up for separate times.  He constantly blamed me for all our problems, and he still doesn’t realize that he has BPD. I’ve tried everything to save our relationship, but this time I couldn’t. The first three break ups were his choice ,  this last time was my choice. A couple weeks after I ended things I thought of a few ideas that may help our relationship. I told him these ideas and that maybe we could get therapy together and separately and see if it helps. He refused me, he says we’re not meant to be and that it’s over forever.  I’ve heard this so many times from him and he still came back and said all the right things and I took him back. This time is different, he saying meaner things than usual that I ruined his life, asking me about my friends like he wants to be with them sexually or in a relationship. He’s never said anything like that not once about another woman, And especially not about my friends. He’s on dating websites already and it’s only been six weeks. He’ll go a week without texting me or anything and the next thing I know he’s bombing my phone with a bunch of hateful things. Accusing me of sleeping around with all sorts of peop and especially not about my friends. He’s on dating websites already and it’s only been six weeks. He’ll go a week without texting me or anything and the next thing I know he’s bombing my phone with a bunch of hateful things. Accusing me of sleeping around with all sorts of men,  he tells me that I was the one to blame for all this. He has now quit his job and lives with his mother since I left him. I’m truly worried about him, I still love him and miss him so much every day. I feel like I’m never going to heal. I went on a date with somebody a couple days ago and the whole time all I did was think about him and how much I wish it was himself   sitting across from me. It was torture. I don’t know if it’s because of the wonderful love he did give me when he was his usual self but I can’t get over him. It’s literally impossible. But I feel like he’s gotten over me, he’s on websites, and he’s not trying to get me back. All the other times he’s come back by now , but not this time. I’m doing lots of research, I’m being healthier, changing a lot of things in my life, reaching out to friends and reconnecting with friends and family, and trying new things and projects around the house. But no matter what I do, as soon as I’m done my mind and my heart go back to him. I don’t know  what else to do. I still love him so much, but I had to end it because he became impossible to handle. No matter what I did or said was never right and he’d fight me on everything. I just need a little advice, how do I move on with my life without him? Thank you for reading.

[BrokenAndLost]

 I was with my BPD ex  for over four years. We were engaged to be married, we lived together for almost a year and we broke up for separate times.  He constantly blamed me for all our problems, and he still doesn’t realize that he has BPD. I’ve tried everything to save our relationship, but this time I couldn’t. The first three break ups were his choice ,  this last time was my choice. A couple weeks after I ended things I thought of a few ideas that may help our relationship. I told him these ideas and that maybe we could get therapy together and separately and see if it helps. He refused me, he says we’re not meant to be and that it’s over forever.  I’ve heard this so many times from him and he still came back and said all the right things and I took him back. This time is different, he saying meaner things than usual that I ruined his life, asking me about my friends like he wants to be with them sexually or in a relationship. He’s never said anything like that not once about another woman, And especially not about my friends. He’s on dating websites already and it’s only been six weeks. He’ll go a week without texting me or anything and the next thing I know he’s bombing my phone with a bunch of hateful things. Accusing me of sleeping around with all sorts of peop and especially not about my friends. He’s on dating websites already and it’s only been six weeks. He’ll go a week without texting me or anything and the next thing I know he’s bombing my phone with a bunch of hateful things. Accusing me of sleeping around with all sorts of men,  he tells me that I was the one to blame for all this. He has now quit his job and lives with his mother since I left him. I’m truly worried about him, I still love him and miss him so much every day. I feel like I’m never going to heal. I went on a date with somebody a couple days ago and the whole time all I did was think about him and how much I wish it was himself   sitting across from me. It was torture. I don’t know if it’s because of the wonderful love he did give me when he was his usual self but I can’t get over him. It’s literally impossible. But I feel like he’s gotten over me, he’s on websites, and he’s not trying to get me back. All the other times he’s come back by now , but not this time. I’m doing lots of research, I’m being healthier, changing a lot of things in my life, reaching out to friends and reconnecting with friends and family, and trying new things and projects around the house. But no matter what I do, as soon as I’m done my mind and my heart go back to him. I don’t know  what else to do. I still love him so much, but I had to end it because he became impossible to handle. No matter what I did or said was never right and he’d fight me on everything. I just need a little advice, how do I move on with my life without him? Thank you for reading.

[BrokenAndLost]

I was with my BPD ex  for over four years. We were engaged to be married, we lived together for almost a year and we broke up for separate times.  He constantly blamed me for all our problems, and he still doesn’t realize that he has BPD. I’ve tried everything to save our relationship, but this time I couldn’t. The first three break ups were his choice ,  this last time was my choice. A couple weeks after I ended things I thought of a few ideas that may help our relationship. I told him these ideas and that maybe we could get therapy together and separately and see if it helps. He refused me, he says we’re not meant to be and that it’s over forever.  I’ve heard this so many times from him and he still came back and said all the right things and I took him back. This time is different, he saying meaner things than usual that I ruined his life, asking me about my friends like he wants to be with them sexually or in a relationship. He’s never said anything like that not once about another woman, And especially not about my friends. He’s on dating websites already and it’s only been six weeks. He’ll go a week without texting me or anything and the next thing I know he’s bombing my phone with a bunch of hateful things. Accusing me of sleeping around with all sorts of men,  he tells me that I was the one to blame for all this. He has now quit his job and lives with his mother since I left him. I’m truly worried about him, I still love him and miss him so much every day. I feel like I’m never going to heal. I went on a date with somebody a couple days ago and the whole time all I did was think about him and how much I wish it was him  sitting across from me. It was torture. I don’t know if it’s because of the wonderful love he did give me when he was his usual self but I can’t get over him. It’s literally impossible. But I feel like he’s gotten over me, he’s not trying to get me back. All the other times he’s come back by now , but not this time. I’m doing lots of research, I’m being healthier, changing a lot of things in my life, reaching out to friends and reconnecting with friends and family, and trying new things and projects around the house. But no matter what I do, as soon as I’m done my mind and my heart go back to him. I don’t know  what else to do. I still love him so much, but I had to end it because he became impossible to handle. No matter what I did or said was never right and he’d fight me on everything. My family now hates him for all he’s done, my son made me promise to never take him back. This has been ao hard and I don’t know how to move forward even though I know i have to, i just miss him so much.  I cry  everyday thinking about him and the love we shared. Because when it was good, it was the best relationship I’ve ever had, but when it was bad, it was excruciating. Please I  just need a little advice, how do I move on with my life without him? Thank you for reading.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Broken&Lost, Yes, you had to end it.  Give yourself credit for taking care of yourself when it became impossible to go on.  You demonstrated self-love, which in my view is the starting point for your recovery.  It's hard to leave a pwBPD, as many here will attest, yet the reality is that most BPD relationships are not built to last, for the reasons you describe.  Just the way it is.  At some point, I predict you will be grateful to have parted ways.  In the meantime, I suggest you keep the focus on yourself and your needs.  Be kind to yourself!

LuckyJim

[BrokenAndLost]

Hi LuckyJim, I appreciate your kind words, it has been a rough road. Just today, he messaged me telling me I wasn’t allowed to talk to one of my close friends anymore. He still thinks he can boss me around. I told him i was cutting ties with him and he acted like it didn’t bother him and said when you change your mind and want to be friends, let me know I’ll be here waiting. It’s awful, the one person I loved more than anything and was going to spend my life with is completely different and out of my life. So scary how life can change so fast and drastically. I hope you are well. Ty again.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey B&L, Yes, you are allowed to talk to your close friend and, no, he can't boss you around unless you let him.  Good for you for letting him know that you are cutting ties, which is a brave step in the right direction.  Yes, it's a rough road, but it leads to greater happiness, which is what it's all about, right?   There is light at the end of the tunnel.

LJ

[BrokenAndLost]

Thank you LJ, I appreciate that more than you know. I do feel alot lighter now. Huge weight was lifted by cutting ties, now I just need to focus on me and no one else. Ty again gor the kinds words and you have any other words of wisdom please share. Take care everyone. I hope everybody is healing and feeling better as the day go by. When they say being with someone with BPD is something you’ll never forget or hard to get over, they weren’t kidding! I’ve had some tough relationships in the past but paled in comparison to this experience. But live and learn, and now I’ll know the red flags. Have a goodnight

[Lucky Jim]

Hello again, B&L, You're welcome!  When you feel up to it, not right now, a worthwhile exercise is to figure out why you got in a r/s with someone w/BPD in the first place.  Hint: usually it has something to do with one's Family of Origin ("FOO") or other childhood trauma.  The goal is to heal the wound.  Focusing on yourself is the right place to start.  Self-love and self-acceptance are important concepts, which sound easy but are actually pretty hard for most of us Nons.  It made a difference for me to be able to say that I loved myself too much to ever allow myself to be the object of anyone's abuse again.  It sounds like you are finding your way out of the BPD jungle, so keep up the good work!

LJ

[BrokenAndLost]

Hi LJ, yes i had a friend tell me this so i sat down and made a list of all the things I could think of from my childhood, past relationships,etc. i learned alot writing that list. And you’re right because I saw the signs early in the relationship but I didn’t want to abandon him or give up on him so I tried to help him and be everything he needed and while doing that I lost myself and what I needed. So sad, by the end of it all, I felt that I needed him but i was wrong. Because here i am living without him. About 5 days ago I’d had it and told him never to contact me again and went totally NC. Since that day, I’ve started feeling better and better. I appreciate your kind words and I hope you’re doing well too. Please keep in touch and thanks again for replying to me. Seems like people read articles on here but don’t really comment and what I needed was a response from someone so I knew I did the right thing letting the love of my life go. Talk soon.

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi BrokenandLost,

It sounds like you have made a very healthy but difficult decision for yourself, and that is definitely hard to do when you have invested so much energy and emotion in another person. Trying to be everything that someone else needs while putting your own needs on the back burner leaves you spent, exhausted, and worn out. I've been there, and it sucks.

I am glad that you are finding some peace since your decision to go no contact. That was one of the hardest things I ever had to do, but my recovery and healing took off when I did. I needed the head space to work on myself, and I was never going to get it while keeping one foot in the past.

You're probably going to feel a lot of emotions in the days and weeks to come, and that's okay. We are here to walk through it with you. Being the one to end the relationship does not mean that we don't still grieve over it, and grief is a process.

I'm glad to see you posting, and I encourage you to read and respond to others here. You are far from being alone in this.

Blessings and peace,

Redeemed

[BrokenAndLost]

Hi redeemed thank you very much, it was the hardest but best decision of my life. And i still miss him and wish he could have changed and gotten help for me. I was always his rock when no one else would even listen to him and he let me leave without a fight. It cuts deep and it’s a long healing process but it had to be done. Take care.