the strange cruelty of my BPD ex

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

my bpd ex broke up with me many months ago after 6 tumultuous years--but we still spent time together (sporadically) and texted/talked enough to keep me in denial, but recently when she dropped out of sight I heard she was seeing someone new. The grief came then. I was wrecked even though, to be fair, we hadn't been technically monogamous for months. I tried "no contact", but for 3 weeks she kept texting that she loved me and missed me a lot. She hadn't been affectionate like that (even on text) in a long time so I finally let my guard down and met up with her, only for her to brag about all the men she was sleeping with, including explicit details, and deny that she ACTUALLY missed me, she was just feeling nostalgic here and there...oh and she was about to fall in love with one of these men. note: She had texted that she missed me a lot not ten minutes before we met up! She said nothing that indicated she had any feelings for me anymore. It was like she set me up for a fall or didn't remember who I ever was to her. So now I'm really staying away and so is she but it was a PLEASE READty way to end. I didn't expect her to be so cruel (she texted later that she was sorry and was stoned, but that really didn't explain it all). As many ups and downs as we had I was still blindsided by the big finish. I guess I know the answer but is this a familiar course of events for those of you with BPD partners/exes? Is it common for BPDs to lure someone back only to burn their house down? Or does she even know what she's doing?

[Solarkey]

my bpd ex broke up with me many months ago after 6 tumultuous years--but we still spent time together (sporadically) and texted/talked enough to keep me in denial, but recently when she dropped out of sight I heard she was seeing someone new. The grief came then. I was wrecked even though, to be fair, we hadn't been technically monogamous for months. I tried "no contact", but for 3 weeks she kept texting that she loved me and missed me a lot. She hadn't been affectionate like that (even on text) in a long time so I finally let my guard down and met up with her, only for her to brag about all the men she was sleeping with, including explicit details, and deny that she ACTUALLY missed me, she was just feeling nostalgic here and there...oh and she was about to fall in love with one of these men. note: She had texted that she missed me a lot not ten minutes before we met up! She said nothing that indicated she had any feelings for me anymore. It was like she set me up for a fall or didn't remember who I ever was to her. So now I'm really staying away and so is she but it was a PLEASE READty way to end. I didn't expect her to be so cruel (she texted later that she was sorry and was stoned, but that really didn't explain it all). As many ups and downs as we had I was still blindsided by the big finish. I guess I know the answer but is this a familiar course of events for those of you with BPD partners/exes? Is it common for BPDs to lure someone back only to burn their house down? Or does she even know what she's doing?

[NotAHero]

my bpd ex broke up with me many months ago after 6 tumultuous years--but we still spent time together (sporadically) and texted/talked enough to keep me in denial, but recently when she dropped out of sight I heard she was seeing someone new. The grief came then. I was wrecked even though, to be fair, we hadn't been technically monogamous for months. I tried "no contact", but for 3 weeks she kept texting that she loved me and missed me a lot. She hadn't been affectionate like that (even on text) in a long time so I finally let my guard down and met up with her, only for her to brag about all the men she was sleeping with, including explicit details, and deny that she ACTUALLY missed me, she was just feeling nostalgic here and there...oh and she was about to fall in love with one of these men. note: She had texted that she missed me a lot not ten minutes before we met up! She said nothing that indicated she had any feelings for me anymore. It was like she set me up for a fall or didn't remember who I ever was to her. So now I'm really staying away and so is she but it was a PLEASE READty way to end. I didn't expect her to be so cruel (she texted later that she was sorry and was stoned, but that really didn't explain it all). As many ups and downs as we had I was still blindsided by the big finish. I guess I know the answer but is this a familiar course of events for those of you with BPD partners/exes? Is it common for BPDs to lure someone back only to burn their house down? Or does she even know what she's doing?

 Sorry for what happened to you.

 This is just classic BPD so try your best to not take it personally.  These individuals lack sense of boundaries. There might be a narcissistic component here which explains the sadism. Narcissism commonly coexists with BPD as a completely separate pathology of as a coping technique for lack of true self.

 Does not seem like you have kids together, no contact is your best strategy here. There is no better way in this case. It is painful but you will eventually feel better. If you allow more recycles don’t expect any sympathy or empathy, there will be just more pain.

[alterK]

Maybe there is some splitting going on here as well. First she idealizes you and sees you as a good person, worthy of kind treatment. Then she sees you as a bad person, toward whom any bad treatment is justified. If you're not familiar with this process, you can read about it on this website, or in many of the recommended texts.

If this is so, the switches are happening very fast (her being stoned may accelerate the process). It's out of your control, and it's a setup for your being hurt--out of the blue, as happened in the meeting you told about.

[Solarkey]

Thank you both, really helpful guidance. I know the no contact is working, but mornings and nights are still hard. It really does help to think of it as an addiction I'm kicking and not lovesick yearning which is 90% delusional. I'm on guard now for a future recycling attempt but I suspect she'll be off the radar long enough for me to build stronger defenses. Fingers crossed.

[babyducks]

Hello Solarkey

welcome.    I'm going to take a stab at answering your questions but I think what you may find is there isn't one easy answer that covers everything.    For me, it was more like bits and pieces of answers explained bits and pieces of what I went through.

  is this a familiar course of events for those of you with BPD partners/exes? Is it common for BPDs to lure someone back only to burn their house down? Or does she even know what she's doing?

Yes, this is a very familiar pattern.   there is a very real pattern of how a BPD relationship plays out.   I would say the step normally go something like this:

• Love Bombing
• False Presentation

• Criticism, Disrespect, & Other Forms of Abuse
• Lying & Gaslighting

• Silent Treatment
• Devaluing

• Exploitation & Vengeance
• Abandonment & Possible Re-Engagement

The intensity of any of those stages really depends on the relationship skills that are present in both partners.

The possible re-engagement is a way to start the pattern all over again.   both because that is how the pwBPD (person with BPD) understand how relationships work.   and because this is the maladaptive way that pwBPD get their very intense need for attention, affection, drama and adoration met.   

for example, in the lying and gaslighting stage it's pretty common to hear stories about how they have been mistreated and abused in the past.   these stories generate our empathy, protectiveness and caring.    it satisfies their need to be rescued and often our need to be the rescuer.     the more partners, the more drama, the more opportunity for 'testing' behavior.   if you really loved me you would have fought harder to keep me, make me happy sort of stuff.

make sense?

does she really even know what she is doing?   I am going to say, from my experience, both yes and no.    she probably has a sense that things are different for her but not a lot of self awareness of what that means.    in a way it probably feels ~normal~ to her.   this is how she is wired to process information.    and its ordinary for pwBPD to believe that what they experience is caused by the people around them, with no understanding of the role they play in things.

does this help?

'ducks

[alterK]

A red flag that I ignored early in my relationship with my soon-to-be ex wife, is that when she talked about past relationships that failed, all the bad behavior and blame was on the part of the former boyfriend or husband. All she would admit to was "I chose the wrong person." With benefit of hindsight, I think this comes from a terror of being found guilty of doing wrong or failing.

It isn't strange to continue to love the person who abandoned you. I look back on years of a pretty decent marriage, during which we enjoyed each other's company, shared activities, traveled, spent a lot of time in the outdoors. Not that we didn't fight from time to time, sometimes intensely. But I have dozens of photos showing my W obviously enjoying herself doing whatever it was we were doing together. I don't think that person was fake. It was one side of her, though, and had I been wiser I would have known that side would eventually be turned away from me.

The contrast between those two sides makes the pain of separation greater. After all, if she were a total witch you would feel nothing but relief. In time, hopefully, you can continue to cherish the memories of the good times, while accepting the inevitable loss and understanding that you are really better off being away from her.

[Solarkey]

Thanks AlterK and Ducks,
Very helpful insights and I really appreciate you taking the time to write it all out. It does seem to get better each day that I resist the impulse to contact her. Yesterday I'd convinced myself that I should write her mother and thank her for all her support over the years. A wise friend pointed out this was just me hoping her mom would forward the email to my ex. I had to admit that was the whole truth--and utterly, embarrassingly transparent, so thankfully I didn't send the thank you. But I have to be on guard again and again not to engage. My mind keeps coming up with creative ways to do so. Thanks again.

[Turkish]

I'm sorry, that sounds really brutal, and under the influence is hardly an excuse even for her.

What babyducks wrote is expanded upon here:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves

“I love you” means – “I need you to love me”. “That was the best ever for me” means – tell me “it was the best ever for you”. Show me that I have you.

The few times my then not ex told me she loved me, I couldn't feel it and thought inside, "then why do you treat me like that?"

[Solarkey]

update--suddenly my BPDex (who emotionally annihilated me last month, see first post) seems to be making a move toward recycling. She texted me a few days ago to say she missed hearing from me and "missed my face" I didn't respond (have been no contact for over a month). Then tonight she wrote to say she knew my father's birthday was tomorrow and here's a pic of her and me from a year ago(!) Maybe that's as far as it will go for a while but it sure feels like she has perhaps gone from devaluing me to idealizing me again. Or she's just toying with me/testing me. But I know I'm vulnerable. Like my force field is just at 70% capacity and I'm going to need at least 90% to resist and stay away. Anyway, if anyone has tips on how to stay strong in NC when a BPDex who knows you too well tries to come back I would sure appreciate it. Thanks in advance. Raising shields.

[NotAHero]

update--suddenly my BPDex (who emotionally annihilated me last month, see first post) seems to be making a move toward recycling. She texted me a few days ago to say she missed hearing from me and "missed my face" I didn't respond (have been no contact for over a month). Then tonight she wrote to say she knew my father's birthday was tomorrow and here's a pic of her and me from a year ago(!) Maybe that's as far as it will go for a while but it sure feels like she has perhaps gone from devaluing me to idealizing me again. Or she's just toying with me/testing me. But I know I'm vulnerable. Like my force field is just at 70% capacity and I'm going to need at least 90% to resist and stay away. Anyway, if anyone has tips on how to stay strong in NC when a BPDex who knows you too well tries to come back I would sure appreciate it. Thanks in advance. Raising shields.

 Yours truly here got recycled more than a catalytic converter.

From personal experience and many stories you can find here on the boards, every recycle gets worse. The odds of it being better are slim ( no proof it does at all) it is definitely not worth the risk. If you were discarded once it can ( most likely will) happen again. Do you want to put yourself through that ?

[Solarkey]

Thanks, Notahero, I don't want to through any of it again. When I ignore the romantic delusions and really picture writing her/talking to her/seeing her again I can't IMAGINE any positive outcome at all--just more cruel behavior to make me feel like **** and her feel in control. The fact that she has no idea about how I'm feeling/how I'm doing for the last 5 or 6 weeks is great solace. And imagining her a little frustrated isn't so bad either.