Finally decided to post after reading various posts here for a long time. Late 20s only child male, father is uPWD (but has a diagnosis for OCD) and my mother is the enabler. As background my father had lots of young-adulthood trauma and so for a long time his mental health issues have been traced to that. However, talking to his siblings its clear much of this behavior predates that and is very strongly suggestive of BPD. One of his siblings was diagnosed with BPD.

Both of my parents are also hoarders. Their marriage has been dysfunctional as long as I've been alive. They've never shared a bedroom and are basically two people living in the same house and go most of the day without talking. Since I was a teenager it became my job to communicate between them, though I was also the "golden child" until I became a teenager so it really took me a long time to wake up to all this.

Since COVID everything has completely spiraled out of control and it's become clear to me how extremely dysfunctional this family is. My father started a long list of prohibitions of things we weren't allowed to do because we couldn't do them "right". I always thought this was due to OCD but now its become clear much of this is from his uBPD and his desire to be in control.

I was able to "escape" this to some degree, but my mom's condition has worsened. Here's a list of some things shes not allowed to do: open the windows, open the shades (they live in darkness), dust, vacuum, mop, use the dishwasher, handwash dishes, drive, go outside (yes, I'm sadly serious), go for walks, go in the yard. She only leaves the house when he drives her which truly is maybe ten times a year. This sounds even more extreme when I type it yet when I confront her about how we need to take steps to stop this she pretends there's nothing wrong. "If I wanted to do something I would" she says. Well, she hasn't. She sits on the couch all day long and watches TV and manages his constant never ending outbursts.

So what are the consequences if those "rules" are violated? He has a complete unmitigated meltdown. When I was younger it involved more screaming, but now it involves lots of door slamming, weeks-long silent treatment, and often sobbing. I had a lot of prohibitions growing up too, but I was able to escape most of these by moving out. Though of course in classic BPD fashion he had an extreme meltdown when I moved out. He also surveilles her constantly. Going through her phone and computer and if I'm on the phone with her I can hear him walk by seriously 5-10 times in a 30 minute conversation so he can listen to what we're discussing. All my life during fights he has also explosively accused me of "always liking my mom more than him".

I'm just feeling so overwhelmed by this especially because of this "alternate reality" they both have. They both pretend like things are normal. In addition to the dysfunction between each other their house is squalid. I can't even go into details but think hoarders episodes. I tried to help them clean a few years back. We filled an enormous dumpster. And everything went back to this squalid state. I just feel so hopeless with this. I know I'm an adult and I live away from them but I feel so responsible for their squalid awful living state but I can't do anything. They both make it clear to me explicitly that "I'm the only thing they have to live for" and so it feels like betrayal to criticize. Also my mother was diagnosed with cancer recently which has just made things even worse. That's a whole other post. Just feeling incredibly trapped by this.

Sari

Don’t do it, move on, you even said in the first paragraph you didn’t want it in your life.

Then DONT

My heart is with you. It’s been 12 days since I’ve been cut off and a second doesn’t go by that it’s not on my mind. My ability to function is consumed by thoughts of my D and my grandchildren. I know compared to you this time period is short but it’s the first time she’s cut both me and her father out and it seems like an eternity. There’s little we can do to have any control over the situation and that’s crippling. I hope this community can help support you on your darkest days. We walk the same path and know one another’s pain. We’re lonely but not alone.

Thank you everyone - my heart is broken as I cannot imagine not being able to see my gcs.  I understand what you are saying when you say it consumes your thoughts.  I feel like I am walking around holding my breath.  I reached out to her today to ask her if I could talk to the boys and she confirmed that she does not want anything to do with me and my husband.  I cannot believe we are here.  She is convinced that we are abusive and is looking for an apology for everything we ever did that hurt her in her mind.  She feels that my mother was abusive (she was not) and as a result so am I and until I deal with that then there is no chance of reconciliation.  I told my husband that I do not know when I will be ok. How do you talk to someone who is so unreasonable and cannot see that she is part of the problem.  I have apologized but apparently it is not genuine.  She gives us no opportunity to work through it.  It feels impossible.

Ouch!  Been there, experienced that!

My ex accused me of doing things with my female relatives.  One evening we were at my cousin's home and on the way home she ranted and raged that I should divorce her and marry my cousin's wife, all because we spoke.  I even drove her to the local hospital and she refused to go in so we just drove home.  To say she was highly triggered and sensitized is an understatement.  It was maybe only a few months later when it got progressively worse and my marriage imploded when I called the police and, according to her perceptions, I was the one who created the incident.  (Fortunately our preschooler wouldn't leave my arms so I wasn't carted off despite being asked to "hand the tyke to his mother and step away".)

The reality was that I revealed her private abusive behavior which had been increasing almost month by month.  As in, How dare I do that!  People with Borderline traits (pwBPD) rely on the other's reluctance to disclose the abusive or near-abusive behavior done in private scenarios.

As much as I was concerned for my own welfare, I was even more worried for our preschooler.  My area was known to always default children to mother's care and so it was an uphill struggle to remain an involved father... but it was worth the pain to get through that long dark tunnel and reach the light on the other side, not just for me but also for my now grown child.

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
Awesome Job by iBOLT CYBER HACKER!

Incredible efforts of iBolt Cyber Hacker team just blew my mind. in a time when so many people are falling victim to crypto scams with little to no hope of recovery, this story gives people real hope. The way they tracked, identified, and recovered stolen Bitcoin is nothing short of brilliant. It's rare to see this level of ethical hacking and dedication to justice in the crypto space.

Kudos to iBolt for not only exposing the scam but also helping victims get their hard-earned money back. This is exactly the kind of cybersecurity heroism the world needs more of!

Email: info iboltcyberhack . org/
Whatsapp: https: //wa. me/‪‪+393511053619‬‬
Telegram: t. me/iboltcyberhackservice
Website: htt ps:// iboltcyberhack . org/

I’m looking for some advice if I should reach out to my ex undiagnosed borderline girlfriend. We broke up over a year ago and the last time we spoke was in early February and she still was splitting on me. Of course there was no closure whatsoever. It was a complete. I need to protect myself walked out my front door and ghosted me after being together for three years. The reason for me to contact her is I just wanna see how she’s doing. We don’t have any friend connection so I really don’t know what’s going on in her life nor do I do any social media. I’m on the fence with the decision because I heard some people say sure reach out. Let them know you still care for Her. And others tell me no wait till she reaches out to you. There’s a part of me that really just wants a kind of reckoning for everything that I went through which I may not get and I’m just looking for some simple advice.

Hope you guys are having a wonderful summer if you’re in the northern hemisphere.

I have found telling the borderline how you feel does nothing to help the situation. It seems to infuriate them more as if only their feelings matter.

When we moved back to my husbands home state during the pandemic we stayed with my father in law until we got on our feet. He is a respectful and kind person who was very easy to live with . He has since retired and needs our  help now and though I’m not in a position to help anyone truthfuly, I would never sit by and do nothing . So when my husband asked me if his father could stay with us until he could move into a 55+ income restricted residence I said yes. I had many concerns (I won’t go into it ) but ultimately family helps family and he was there for us when we needed it so I wanted to do the same. What has thrown me is how my husband thinks I’m now having an affair with his father ! I’m used to the name calling and accusations but this is new. He’s been staying with us since June and this only started last week. Long story short my FIL does DoorDash part time and he had missed dinner. I asked my husband had he seen or heard from his father and that’s when he started in on me. My mind was racing with confusion. I never saw this coming. Now I am literally avoiding my father in law to the point where he noticed (he said as much ) because I’m acting out of character and standoffish.

The challenge for me is I really don’t want help. I want to stand up on my own two feet. My family is the type that once they help you, that means you need them and they no longer respect any healthy boundaries you set. He’s definitely the type that will stalk me. Everyone (except for my family)loves him so I just look like the one that’s trying to break up the family  . I know someone who was the victim of a murder suicide and it felt to close to home, I wondered how everyone missed the signs. So for now I’m just  taking it a day at a time. Thanks.