This may be a lengthy story. Please forgive me and be patient.
I've not had anybody to speak to about these incidents except my parents. And I have not shared everything.
Thank goodness for the semi-anonymous nature of the internet.
I have questions, and rather than make assumptions ... . I am hoping that some of you may assist in my understanding.
I'm a 38 year old male. And, I admit that I have personality quirks ... . I'm not perfect, I am simply a human being.
I am sincere, kind-hearted, loving, caring, patient ... .
And so is the woman I have been seeing for a year and a half. We have been engaged, though I broke it off when I moved out in November.
You might wonder why I am still on the fence ... . I love her. And, its not something I am able to turn off.
I question the quality of our life together, and my own health and sanity.
She is the most amazing woman I've ever known ; and she is also the most confusing. I will refer to her as 'H.'
Until meeting this woman I felt like a sane person ; I know that I have my own personal issues to address (who doesnt) ... . and I own and take responsibility for that, and act to improve my life.
Before I met H, my life was in transition. There has been deaths in the family, unemployment, and normal life stress. All of which, I had been addressing and moving forward with on my own. My finances were limited, though my heart, faith and spirit were so strong that I knew I could succeed. Afterall, I have succeeded and been prosperous in my life before H.
When I met H, she knew that my life was in transition. Mostly, I am just developing my career ... . and I had decided to move to the town and live with H.
I specifically decided to move to this town to live with her ... . otherwise, I could've chosen anywhere. Literally. Working on the internet is awesome.
And I knew her life was also in transition. She was finalizing a divorce, their house was selling, and she claims it was just a highly stressful time.
So we were both starting from a place of vulnerability, transition and little stability.
And everything appeared awesome at first.
She does so much that is right, loving and kind.
When I moved in with her, within the first few days:
- She accused me of wanting to ___ strangers.
- She told me that I would ___ my friends.
- She yelled at me for eating food (that I had paid for.)
- She screams at her kids.
- She stands in the kitchen and yells about how nobody loves her while slamming dishes around and cleaning them.
You can imagine, that was pretty stressful to encounter after moving in.
There was ZERO sign of this type of emotional behavior before hand.
However, I give her the benefit of the doubt ; forgive ... . and move on.
Over the course of the next few months:
- She tells me that she hates me, and to leave.
- She tells me that I am perfect for her, and that she loves me.
- She tells me that I am going to ___ one of my students (who is 67 years old.)
- She tells me that I am not a man, that she wears the pants in the house.
- She screams at me that I hate her.
- She denies that she says things (gaslighting)
- She mocks me for having a good relationship with both of my parents (are you going to talk to your MOMMY AND DADDY now? ) ... . and this chat with them maybe once a week ?
- She accuses me of giving women emotional attention (emotional cheating) - so I stopped talking to any woman ; and I LITERALLY have no female friends ... . I used to. I honestly don't even have any MALE friends now either.
- She accuses me of humiliating her in public with how I write. If she knew I was on this board, she'd flip out at me.
- She accuses me of sharing private details with everybody. And I admit that I have shared some things with my parents that, in retrospect, I wish I hadn't. Though I have not been a person who has been walking around gossiping about her ; I have protected her.
When I try to explain how I feel, she accuses me of attacking her, humiliating her, shaming her and putting guilt trips on her. This is after she told me that I am a great communicator ... . and I know that talking about hurt feelings isn't comfortable ... . I use all the I language, take personal responsibility, and adjust.
And there are some really scary things that happened that I need reassurance about and to understand before living with her again.
Oh ... . and yes, I did move out.
7 times. The last time, I moved out of state ... . and though we keep in touch and I have been doing what I know to maintain communication ... . of course nothing helps.
Some of the things that occurred :
- She is beating herself on the face screaming at the top of the lungs, with the windows open, that I am abusing her. I hold her wrists to stop her, and this bruises her wrists.
- If I disagreed with her ; she rage at me.
- Once, I named the modem-network 'Sanctuary.' I got woke up the following morning with FURIOUS screaming (I mean RAGE) ... . to change the network name because her friend (who she accused me of wanting to sleep with) ... . liked the word Sanctuary.
- On my birthday she accused me of wanting to ___ some woman. She screams at me until 3 am ; I ask her to stop so many times and she refuses that I end up locking myself in the bathroom, huddled under the shower, plugging my ears and letting the water hit my head so that I couldn't hear her.
- When I'd go to work, she'd accuse me of enjoying being away from her so much.
- Yet ... . when I was actually hit on by women at work (and it really bothered me) and I brought it to her ... . she didn't care.
- Once I had coffee with a friend I've had for four years ; I was accused of going out on a date and ___ing her.
- Because of the chaos at home, I ended up staying at a friends house sometimes. I did move out, 7 times in total. 6 of those times, it was to one of my yoga students houses ... . she had an extra bedroom and I know the family ; so it was good for me to be there.
... . what else was I going to do when being screamed at that she HATES ME and to LEAVE ?
- She claims I have isolated her from my friends ; what I have introduced her to my friends she has said that she didn't like them, or that I would ___ them. It feels like a damned if I do, damned if I don't.
- When I talk about my emotions ; she just says I am wrong. I am making things up. I am manipulating her. I am distorting things.
... . and when she gets going she calls me CRAZY, ABUSIVE and BROKEN.
... . she also tells me that I am only focusing on the negative, and to forget the past and live in the moment. (which, I am doing in this post by writing what has disturbed me rather than gushing about the awesome things that she does and who she is.)
... . and that I should be unconditionally loving.
Nobody in my whole life has talked to me like that.
------ There is more yet I am unable to remember all the little things. ----------
Now, I am a man who has been cheated on. I know how that feels. However, I have never accused anybody of cheating on me ; if they were cheating, I got proof and ended it. SO I understand the fear and anxiety.
I have, in my ENTIRE LIFE, only ever been loyal ... . never once have I cheated. (Although, from her perspective I have been an emotional cheater forever... . )
I consider myself an honest person ; I do my best to share my perspective, feelings and experiences with open-hearted integrity. And when I make mistakes, though it can be hard to listen, I DO LISTEN ... .
Though when listening to her ... . I have adjusted myself into a pretzel and don't know how to unravel.
I feel as if I do nothing right.
I am exhausted from having to defend myself against false accusations.
I am weary from having to navigate emotional blow-ups about stuff that makes zero sense. (example ; the modem-network name ... . )
I don't know what to do to move forward with her.
I know that if I go back, it'll be chaos.
I know that I love her, and think about her daily.
Yet at this point she is still accusing me of all kinds of socializing and partying (... . my mother had a stroke and I have been with my parents helping with rehab and housework ... . I am not even the party type anyways, I prefer sobriety.)
She accuses me of lying.
Of manipulation.
Of hiding relationships.
Going out on dates.
And, she tells me she has been faithful, honest and loyal ... . then I find an image of her ... . on a date. And she claims it isn't a date ... . and the guy has his arm wrapped around her.
Once, I played my hand on the shoulder of one of my students and congratulated them ... . and H was standing there and claimed I was all over that person and ... . (drum roll please) that I wanted to ___ them.
I just can't wrap my mind around these things ; I have been trying to understand what happened, what I did that was so wrong.
After being told that I am broken so many times, and crazy, and that my emotions are wrong and that I am not a man and that I am a manwhore and unreliable ... . lets just say that I am in a great deal of pain and that I have been working with a lot of anger issues and questions.
Am I crazy ?
Though I am not a mental health professional ... . and I strongly resist the idea of diagnosing anybody ... .
Is she BPD ?
... . She hates both of her parents. Claims that they are liars, and cheats. Her dad was a schizophrenic, and her mother neglected her and was never around. Her parents were divorced when she was little. And she saw her mother sleep around on her step-father. Her father used to take her to bars and strip clubs (ahhh, the 70s) ... .
Am I BPD ?
I certainly feel broken after this relationship, worthless, and unloveable.
Any thoughts would be helpful.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read this.
PS, Please understand that I love this woman. She has been amazing for me in so many ways. When I explain it to her, I say that I love her and that our dynamic is wrecking me.
And when I say dynamic, I mean what she and I both contribute to make this thing happen. So, I have been working on what I can for myself ... . and the dynamic has improved somewhat ... . though not really.
