Tax situation in the midst of divorce...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi All,

It has been nine months since my uBPW said she wanted a divorce and seven or eight months since she moved out of our home. In early February she cancelled our third mediation appointment without explanation and essentially dropped off the face of the earth. Last week, out of the blue, she emailed to inquire if I had filed taxes for 2016 (no mention of mediation or the divorce). Due to my ignorance of tax law and the insanity of the past nine months, I decided to reach out to my therapist and lawyer for advice. My attorney recommended contacting a tax accountant, but before I was able to do so, my wife emailed again (this was 48 hours after her first inquiry) to ask if I had already filed, of if I wished to file separately, jointly, etc. She also stated that she was planning to file in the next few days, and wrote, "if I don't hear back from you in the next couple of days I will assume you do not want to file jointly."

My response was that since she is/was filing in the next few days, she should indeed file separately. Today she contacted me yet again, after completing but not filing her taxes. Turns out by filing separately she will owe a considerable amount of money to the federal government. Even though filing jointly will be better for us both financially, I am confident my situation will be a wash at worst due to my income and because I filed quarterly in 2016.

In her note today, my wife outlined several scenarios that would involve collaboration, either in person or via the mail. Given that she has been incapable of pursuing a collaborative approach to the dissolution of our marriage, and due to the hostility I have experienced over the past nine months, I am wary of working with her. My therapist in particular was in full support of my decision to ask her to file separately. Of course I feel terrible that taxes will impact her financially. But the divorce was her choice, separation was her choice, and there has been so much damage done over the past nine months. It just seems like a no-win situation. Any thoughts or advice on how to proceed?

[Bamboo]

Hi All,

It has been nine months since my uBPW said she wanted a divorce and seven or eight months since she moved out of our home. In early February she cancelled our third mediation appointment without explanation and essentially dropped off the face of the earth. Last week, out of the blue, she emailed to inquire if I had filed taxes for 2016 (no mention of mediation or the divorce). Due to my ignorance of tax law and the insanity of the past nine months, I decided to reach out to my therapist and lawyer for advice. My attorney recommended contacting a tax accountant, but before I was able to do so, my wife emailed again (this was 48 hours after her first inquiry) to ask if I had already filed, of if I wished to file separately, jointly, etc. She also stated that she was planning to file in the next few days, and wrote, "if I don't hear back from you in the next couple of days I will assume you do not want to file jointly."

My response was that since she is/was filing in the next few days, she should indeed file separately. Today she contacted me yet again, after completing but not filing her taxes. Turns out by filing separately she will owe a considerable amount of money to the federal government. Even though filing jointly will be better for us both financially, I am confident my situation will be a wash at worst due to my income and because I filed quarterly in 2016.

In her note today, my wife outlined several scenarios that would involve collaboration, either in person or via the mail. Given that she has been incapable of pursuing a collaborative approach to the dissolution of our marriage, and due to the hostility I have experienced over the past nine months, I am wary of working with her. My therapist in particular was in full support of my decision to ask her to file separately. Of course I feel terrible that taxes will impact her financially. But the divorce was her choice, separation was her choice, and there has been so much damage done over the past nine months. It just seems like a no-win situation. Any thoughts or advice on how to proceed?

[ForeverDad]

There are no children together?  Then it's simpler and less complicated without custody and parenting time to complicate the IRS filings.  It's all about income, deductions, etc.  An experienced tax attorney would explain the risks and possible complications. of going either joint or separate.

More or less, it sounds like it's her problem since you're okay with going separate.  I don't think she can force you to file jointly but she's got incentive to try to get it.  People with BPD (and similar acting out PDs) may be messed up but generally they know what $$$ are.

First, you don't have to feel pressured.  Give yourself time to get advice.  After all, filing for an extension is normal, of course as long as the possible taxes are paid by Apr 15.

Second, this may be a time you can use her desperation as Leverage to move the divorce along or for some other need she would otherwise obstruct or delay.  Do you think this Leverage would help you?  If you do find a way to use your Leverage, then be sure the agreement is ironclad and she can't wriggle out of it.

[insideout77]

Bamboo,

This all sounds so familiar, as i just dealt with similar. I would suggest trying to use it as leverage. Also as yourself why you feel bad, its likely why you were with her in the first place. You can't fix her, but she is as she likely always did, playing on your emotions. Its up to you to put up a big boundary and play total businesslike.     Something like "sure you would be open to considering a joint filing if the divorce papers can be signed with the next week. Make sure you don't budge on iota on that. I have found personally that my BPD/NPDxw only moved the process along when she wanted something in particular from the process. It sounds absurd but that is how they operate.

[ForeverDad]

I had a very confrontational separation and divorce, the added complication was a small child.  when tax time came around I was the one stuck because I was the income earner and she made a few hundred dollars monthly, maybe.  She delayed to the point that I had to file for the six month extension.  Finally, a couple weeks before the October due date her lawyer told her to file jointly with me.  Of course her lawyer asked for half of my refund (only I had made withholding) to give her 'incentive'.

Because I already had faced child abuse allegations from her which had gone nowhere, I couldn't trust anything she did in other areas of my life.  I had the tax accountant take her paperwork and also sign in the tax accountant's presence.  The year before, when we were still together, she had said I'd forged her signature.  So I didn't want her to claim forgery later, I made sure a professional handled all that and I kept myself hands clear.

So my advice is to ensure any joint tax filing is handled by a professional.

[Bamboo]

Thank you for your responses, ForeverDad and insideout77. No children thankfully.

It's interesting that you mention playing on emotions, insideout. A family member of mine suggested the same (also possible condescension), but I guess I've been conditioned not to see it... .

At any rate, I appreciate the guidance here. While it's not possible to use this as leverage in the divorce, I have made an attempt to gain some control in a mutually beneficial tax filing. We'll see how that goes.

[ForeverDad]

Understand that you may not get reciprocity later.  Just because you're fair and reasonable, with both benefiting, there is little expectation that she will appreciate it later by working with you on something you want.

[Bamboo]

Understand that you may not get reciprocity later.  Just because you're fair and reasonable, with both benefiting, there is little expectation that she will appreciate it later by working with you on something you want.

That has been a theme throughout our relationship. In fact, beyond a lack of reciprocity, I usually end of feeling like a bad guy even when I am trying my best to be measured, reasonable, and (to the extent I can be) considerate.

She did surprise me, however. She has agreed to share information so we can file jointly.

[insideout77]

She did surprise me, however. She has agreed to share information so we can file jointly.

That's exactly "foreverdads" point. She will barter with you when she needs something but make no mistake , it's not reciprocity. Therefore when you have a moment when she wants something that you have, grab it and levarge as much as you can!

[GaGrl]

And... .you now have her 2016 financials.

[Bamboo]

And... .you now have her 2016 financials.

Ha! Well, turns out I don't and won't, but that would've been a benefit... .

On Friday I sent uBPDw an email requesting financials, expenses, etc. After separation, she changed the password on our formerly joint bank accounts and eventually had me removed from them, per my request. Similar situation with the joint credit cards. Consequently, I'm in the dark about a lot of 2016.

To make sure we were on the same page, I inquired if she was on board with an arrangement (suggested by my lawyer) whereby any taxes owed or refund would be split in proportion to our incomes.

Today she responded with a lengthy and somewhat condescending email, in which she placed restrictions on the arrangement above, explained why/how it would be difficult to obtain certain information (financial and logistical issues that are entirely the result of her decisions over the past nine months). Per usual, she was a know-it-all about the process and explained why we couldn't use certain information I had requested... .

So I informed her that things had become too complicated and stated that I would be filing separately after all. Of course she came right back and asked me to clarify. And one of the most frustrating things about this entire situation is that I can't clarify. It's impossible to explain yourself to someone who is unreasonable.

[Panda39]

Not only can't you clarify, but you really don't have to clarify... .your taxes, your decision end of story you don't owe her an explanation.

Based on the experiences my SO had with his uBPDxw you are better off doing your own thing anyway.  Collaboration in his case was near impossible it didn't sound like your stbx would have been easy to work with on this either.

Panda39
(Mmmmmm Bamboo sounds delicious  )

[wellwellwell]

I just want to add some sympathy and empathy. My unBPDxw (getting used to the acronyms slowly) really turned me over last year, but I managed to include who-claims-what-exemption in the settlement agreement, and specified that we both file separately. I don't think this helps you, but the date the IRS cares about is 31st December. My understanding is that if at that date you're separated but not divorced, you both have to agree to file separately; if one partner wants to file jointly, you have to join that filing. But the IRS could probably give a clear answer if you called them and explained the circumstances discretely. I'm not sure if this applies to you, but I wanted to share it in case it's helpful. I managed to get a quick divorce (few complications and no kids) but filing our then joint taxes last year almost lost me my mind because my ex refused to hand over documents. Good luck.

[Bamboo]

Panda39: Love your signature. I never realized Pink could resonate so strongly with me.

wellwellwell: Thank you for the sympathy/empathy. The situation has been described differently to me. In other words, we would have to both agree to file jointly.

[wellwellwell]

It's so easy to feel empathy for anyone close to what I went through last year. It turned a difficult emotional situation into something else entirely. It was the worst six months of my life; at the least the most perplexing. But the bright side was that this part was just administration once I'd come to, and that gives some control. It is possible that I have it wrong, or that, as with everything touched by BPD, it just gets complicated quickly. I would recommend a call to the IRS, as, in my experience, they do give direct advice, and at least you can note the call and attach your explanation to your return. All the best of luck.

[ugghh]

On collaboration, it is highly unlikely to be successful and in the end will take more time and cost more money.

Regarding the taxes, no the IRS will not force you to file jointly.