For some strange reason, instead of continuing to read and learn these tools, I somehow ended up wandering over here...
this is a great place to use, practice, and refine them. i use them all the time, not just when im supporting others here, but with everyone in my life.
a good example would be that ive never really read any of the literature say about the communication tools, explicitly "these are
examples. they need to be personalized, sincerity is really key above all, and they need to take in the context of your relationship and the language you use, otherwise you risk condescending."
Did I mention I am very codependent, too? Oh how it stings... I try to tell myself "Ahh! That's what splitting is! Don't take it personally!" but when the majority of our encounters are negative like that, how do I call it splitting?
its a balance, and may be easier to think of sort of on a spectrum.
it is personal. it is your closest loved one saying hurtful things. and yet, it likely is not entirely about you. everyone has woken up (or been woken up) on the wrong side of the bed, and been a jerk. when you have bpd traits, that anger goes from 0-60, could last for hours, and you could bring up every wrong the other person has ever done, in the process. that part is less personal and more personality.
when it comes to splitting, the general gist is that youre either the greatest person in the world, or the worst. "not taking it personally" means having a balanced view of yourself, and knowing you are not either of those things, and that our loved ones have a tendency to over emote and exaggerate. a lot of us have a tendency to over invest in either of those extremes at the expense of that balanced view.
go too far into not taking it personally, and you can become reflexively dismissive (as i often was in my relationship) of your partners complaints and attribute what may be valid, or may be a less than constructive way of communicating a real need, all to "bpd".
so not taking it personally, to me, really means being comfortable in your skin and having a balanced view of yourself, in a way that you can separate yourself from criticism (or whatever) and look at it more objectively. for example, im not the worst person in the world, but underneath the things this person is screaming at me, maybe im not always the best listener! maybe they feel neglected by me.
I've been married for eleven years, and the last one was punctuated with an anniversary devoid of any warmth or love where divorce was brought up and accepted by 9:00 am. Whether or not anything happens there is anyone's guess, but personally, I think it was a bluff and I fell for it, the same way I always do.
what happened? why the divorce threats?