Sounds like you don’t have children involved.
What you did the first time, leaving without explanations would be my preferred choice if I was in your shoes. I’m female going through divorce and can remember being in the state you currently are in rn.
It may sound cowardly and appears immature but ask yourself this one question what did you ever gain from explaining and over explaining your decisions/choices/ actions/ POV to your pwbpd. All that does is give her all the power and control in the relationship. Remember that the end of the relationship would be as chaotic as the relationship itself no matter what you do. Going away quietly would be more effective, costing less emotional stress, and energy.
Explaining is enabling, she was able to convince you to comeback because she had access to you still. I’m sure she’s continued to blame you for leaving previously that’s why you feel it’s wrong to leave same way as you did then. What you did then was effective and this time I would add an extra layer of no access to communication or limited access through email.
Take care and I wish you all the best.

I'm curious -- is the treatment for CPTSD similar? Generalized anxiety?  Do they approach treatment from a shared perspective or so a distinct difference in how to approach the patient?

PS DD will probably fly off into a rant when you first mention anything about the allergies but let that fly past, wait a while and then bring up again!

Hi Momof3
it sure is a difficult situation. As well as the BPD - the blaming etc - it seems as though your dd could have OCD? This makes it harder - if that is possible! - because there are such fixed ideas about their environment etc. The anxiety is so high they control everything tightly and have such fixed ideas that no matter what you say it doesn't shift their thinking!

It's good that you have set some boundaries - and are holding them.

I feel like I am not really the one to make any suggestions because I haven't found a magic bullet to fix my own situation. But for what it is worth, I would probably focus on the OCD symptoms, planning to go very slowly to see if dd is open to changing just a little.

The starting point for me would be asking if she has been diagnosed with any particular allergy and if not would she be prepared to get tested. th

In other words challenging the allergy issue to see how formal this has been. If she hasn't then you can point out that she can't really confine the household to something she hasn't had diagnosed.

If she is willing to get tested and nothing shows up, move the discussion to OCD. There are some good meds for OCD that might make a difference to some BPD symptoms too in that by relieving the anxiety symptoms they can raise the bar as far  as triggers go in relation to going into a rant or becoming angry.

I care for a neighbour who has OCD and it is no easy task to get someone with this condition to get help - but it can make a huge difference.

Re the blaming etc, I would let that float past me at this point in time and see how I go with tackling the OCD aspects that seem to be present.

Just a few thoughts . . .

Hi Donna Marie
Thanks for the extra information. It does all go around in one's head and I think it helps to write it here. I agree with the points you are coming to.

I think 'letting go' at the moment is the right decision - or it's at least what I would do, especially from what I now know of BPD - the more you try to make contact, the more Joe will manipulate dd against you.

I would be relieved that there is an aunt 15 minutes away - even though dd doesn't have much contact with her. Is Aunt your sister? Would it be helpful to have a chat with her re the situation regarding Joe's anger etc? Or would it muddy the waters?

To be honest I would be hoping that the police are doing some follow up on the incident - I think they should because there was a knife involved. The number plate should correlate to a make and model of a car, so they would find out the deception there. If Joe made any threats while holding the knife, I think it's bigger than low grade road rage, and if dd doesn't want to drive with Joe, his road rage must be constant and unnerving.

My mind going around the situation comes to the same point as you - leaving things so as not to inflame things, especially as I feel there is a possibility that events may occur - eg dd wants to end the relationship or there is police follow up/Joe incurs more road rage incidents - that mean there is a new situation.

DD knows you are there - and having the knowledge one person is there, can make all the difference as things unfold.

The iMazing app on the Apple store will allow you to export all your texts from an iPhone into a court admissable format (US, not sure about Canada). A time and life saver. Check it out.

Thanks notwendy for your insight as a child. Very helpful.

Looking for recommendations for re-engaging after a rage. My wife, dBPD, goes into a rage and I leave the room, don't engage, and spend several days keeping to myself, not engaging, and now that I've found this blog, turn to here for re-assurance, advice, and comfort. I also pull "Stop Walking on eggshells" which helps me keep things in perspective and gives me some reassurance. My difficulty is re-engaging at some point after a rage. I certainly am not going to revisit the subject of the rage or even acknowledge the rage. I know from past experience that no good can come from this.

What is the best way to re-engage, things to avoid, as well as things that may be helpful.

Thanks
Mad Dog.

Thanks Kells. I wonder if its people with BPD who get triggered and hack this site.

Interesting I hadn't thought about this. I would have to suggest this. Currently she was looking for them but having no luck as they are busy. I will make sure I am involved in briefing them. Currently her friends and advisers have told her (she says) that our marriage therapist is unprofessional /biased, obviously based on her one sided story to her multiple advisors (she would not name). I tried to tell her we met the therapist at the same time how could she be biased and unprofessional. She said well I don't know if you had met her before.... I really think she thinks there is some conspiracy going on. The same thing happened years ago when she didnt like the therapist saying she had something wrong. Honestly feeling really sad and hopeless at the moment and stuck.