I am ready to date

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I went LC 2 weeks ago and NC yesterday and I am ready to date. I can't get her image from my mind when I saw her holding hands with someone new. I will date and would do anything to get my mind off. I tried to cry it out, but I will while I date. The anxiety is too much for me to bear, I am sick all the time, non-stop. Dating is survival for me as well.

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[Freeatlast_1]

I went LC 2 weeks ago and NC yesterday and I am ready to date. I can't get her image from my mind when I saw her holding hands with someone new. I will date and would do anything to get my mind off. I tried to cry it out, but I will while I date. The anxiety is too much for me to bear, I am sick all the time, non-stop. Dating is survival for me as well.

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[Skip]

I went LC 2 weeks ago and NC yesterday and I am ready to date. I can't get her image from my mind when I saw her holding hands with someone new. I will date and would do anything to get my mind off. I tried to cry it out, but I will while I date. The anxiety is too much for me to bear, I am sick all the time, non-stop. Dating is survival for me as well.

This is how many people got into trouble - dating while vulnerable.

I can tell you from my own dating experience - you can tell an emotionally wounded, not ready person, within 10 minutes of talking. A healthy person will quietly go away. A not so healthy person, my call you out on it. A problem person, might see you as a kindred spirit and latch on.

What you will be wondering is why he healthy one seem to disappear - and you will think there is something wrong with you.

[Dontknow88]

  Skip

I hope you find peace I've been single for 2.5 years abs been emotionally ready to date since 6 months in

[Skip]

I hope you find peace I've been single for 2.5 years abs been emotionally ready to date since 6 months in

Awww... .

I was actually commenting to Freeatlast_1

I went through the dating process a couple years back. I was surprised at how many people were out there that were not fully out of their last relationship. Many would try to hide it, but couldn't. I was also surprised at how many daters aree hyper-vigilant about screening these folks out.

To me, the process was like panning for gold - I had to turn over a lot of nuggets to find the 4-5 emotionally intelligent, emotionally available, stable women that I had common interests and values.

[Freeatlast_1]

To me, the process was like panning for gold - I had to turn over a lot of nuggets to find the 4-5 emotionally intelligent, emotionally available, stable women that I had common interests and values.

So skip after these years how has your luck been?

I actually like casual dating, it keeps in excited.

[Skip]

So skip after these years how has your luck been?

I have a wonderful fulfilling relationship and blended family. Thanks for asking.

[Freeatlast_1]

I have a wonderful fulfilling relationship and blended family. Thanks for asking.

Wow that's awsome! Congrats! How did you find your partner?

[GlennT]

 This dialog with Skip is the best post-relationship dating advice I've ever received here.

[once removed]

i think part of healthy dating is about expectations.

me, personally, i tend to wait a long time to get back out there after a breakup. breakups tend to deflate my confidence and make me especially vulnerable to rejection, which can be like a self fulfilling prophecy. i also prefer to honor and respect my grief.

for some, casual dating is a normal part of their life, just the same as say, regularly golfing, so when a breakup occurs, dating is part of "getting back to normal". nothing inherently wrong with that.

but there can be a lot wrong with either approach. with the first approach, it can be about fear and avoidance; fear of putting your heart on the line and getting hurt again, fear of trusting someone else. after a bad breakup, i was single for three years and then went on to date my ex. time alone is not healing and wont make you an any more suitable candidate or help you determine suitable candidates.

with the second approach, i suppose there can be a lot wrong with what we perceive as "normal". is our idea of "normal", a series of overlapping relationships? is our idea of "normal" using another person to resolve our wounds (get over an ex)? "getting back to normal" can be about fear and avoidance, too. this also is not healing and wont make you an any more suitable candidate or help you determine suitable candidates.

so to those still in the midst of grief, but considering dating, i would suggest being mindful that you are wounded, and being mindful that others are wounded. its not an inherently bad idea to bond over wounds, its part of what we do here. it can be a risky prospect to use that as a foundation for a romantic relationship.

being mindful that you and others are wounded also includes this stuff:

I was surprised at how many people were out there that were not fully out of their last relationship. Many would try to hide it, but couldn't. I was also surprised at how many daters aree hyper-vigilant about screening these folks out.

it seems to me that one when gets back to dating after a bad breakup, its a good idea to check your expectations. check your expectations when it comes to rejection (its gonna happen). check your expectations when it comes to finding "the one". enjoy the process for what it is, getting to better know someone, determine, and reevaluate as you go, whether how you are going about that is healthy or not.

[Jami]

This is how many people got into trouble - dating while vulnerable.

This is indeed a quintessential statement from Skip Great advise! Dating while still emotionally wounded is like going to battle in a perforated armour. Never know what comes in and, before you know it, risk to be sucked into the a new drama. At least, this is how i feel about myself right now. Pierced from head to toes.

I met this wonderful guy who seems very normal, with whom i share a professional relationship. I think he likes me and i definitely like him too. But i'm not ready, and he's respectful and timid. We've been seeing each other since months now and things always stayed decently put. I must say: it's the first time i really, really take it slow. Nothing might ever happen between us, but if it does it will happen when we're both ready.

[confused4now]

  Food for thought      Another perspective might be, thinking about the "dates" feelings and expectations.  When I began dating my soon to be ex husband I knew I was not going back to my previous partner.  He started perusing me with such intent, I assumed  he was  emotional available.  First red flags came when I caught him texting an ex lover. I was hurt and confused , and did not want to continue with someone who was playing with my head. He explained it away, by saying it was just a friend with benefits and he did not want to hurt her feelings. I  would not let it go with that loose of an explanation.  He later confessed that he wanted more from her when they were dating, but since it didn't work out he moved on. He said he had some feelings, but nothing other then residue from an affair. This was the foundation of our relationship, I was a rebound.  Not sure how this would have gone if he was honest, I'll never know. What I do know ; I do not want to date someone who has unresolved feeling for an ex, he is wasting my time and is dangerous... .

[SuperJew82]

This is a good thread. I agree with Skip on pretty much everything here.

This was me... .I wanted something to help me to get my mind of my ex... .so I did try the dating thing... signed up for a couple online services... .match and eharmony. Inside I knew it I wasn't ready, but I figured it couldn't hurt.

That was a couple of weeks ago and I found it's just not enjoyable at all if you are still sorting your own stuff out. I want to get excited about meeting a new date - not going at it in a robotic fashion. So

I was thinking of perhaps joining some meetup.com groups that have people with similar hobbies and such... .I think it would be more satisfying than going through more dating hoops at the moment.

[Hisaccount]

I was surprised at how many people were out there that were not fully out of their last relationship. Many would try to hide it, but couldn't. I was also surprised at how many daters aree hyper-vigilant about screening these folks out.

That is exactly right, also the comment about expectations.

I say go date and have fun. I doubt you are looking for your soul mate at this point, it is about survival.
My therapist was the one that actually pushed me to dating so early on knowing good and well that I was not ready for a relationship.

For me I was ill, not eating. Depression, low self esteem.
Dating so early helped me out a ton, but I also was not looking for a relationship or a mate. So when we talk about expectations it is about what you expect to get out of it.

I got confidence and self esteem. I was eating and gaining weight back that I had loss from stress. I met some okay people who are friends now.
It got my mind off of me. It showed me that I will be okay. That I am not a failure or all the horrible things I was led to believe I was.
Also got some really funny stories.

Yes I am the odd ball and have a different view on it, but what people are saying is correct. You are not ready for a relationship but that doesn't mean it cannot be beneficial to date. Just keep it in perspective and I hope you get the benefits from it I did.