Learning to slow down and go at non-crisis speed

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi,

Working on detaching and moving on, and I'm realizing that I'm so used to the crazy crisis after crisis BPD speed that it's taking me a while to calm down and realize that most of the world is rational, kind, and sane, and that if I don't respond to every text, call, etc. and solve every problem RIGHT NOW I will be okay and so will the world. She trained me to be always on edge, hyper vigilant, and basically in PTSD trigger mode all the time. I wasn't like this before her and don't want to be like this in the future as I (hopefully) move on with my life and build a healthy, happy family with someone stable, kind, and sane.

Did anyone else experience this? What helped you?

Apologies in advance for slow replies. Been working a lot and checking on here less.

[WhatToDo47]

Hi,

Working on detaching and moving on, and I'm realizing that I'm so used to the crazy crisis after crisis BPD speed that it's taking me a while to calm down and realize that most of the world is rational, kind, and sane, and that if I don't respond to every text, call, etc. and solve every problem RIGHT NOW I will be okay and so will the world. She trained me to be always on edge, hyper vigilant, and basically in PTSD trigger mode all the time. I wasn't like this before her and don't want to be like this in the future as I (hopefully) move on with my life and build a healthy, happy family with someone stable, kind, and sane.

Did anyone else experience this? What helped you?

Apologies in advance for slow replies. Been working a lot and checking on here less.

[Riv3rW0lf]

Time, and therapy, and continued desensitization as I realize the rest of the world is different.

The pwBPD in my life was my mother, with whom I have been in decreased contact since last November (different than a love relationship, but I still recognized myself in your post). Since then, I have done a lot of growth and am now aware of how I projected her reactions on everyone else, and forced myself to answer fast or in certain ways... Which is why I wanted to answer: I get it. I also always have this feeling that the world will flip on me, only I think I have always been this way because it is kinda how I was raised.

However, I am much, much better since I've started actively working on it. For me, though, only time and being aware and reminding me I am safe seems to have helped. Constant reminders: I am safe.

Give yourself time and lots of self-compassion, it gets better.

Sending you support.

[Rev]

Time, and therapy, and continued desensitization as I realize the rest of the world is different.

The pwBPD in my life was my mother, with whom I have been in decreased contact since last November (different than a love relationship, but I still recognized myself in your post). Since then, I have done a lot of growth and am now aware of how I projected her reactions on everyone else, and forced myself to answer fast or in certain ways... Which is why I wanted to answer: I get it. I also always have this feeling that the world will flip on me, only I think I have always been this way because it is kinda how I was raised.

However, I am much, much better since I've started actively working on it. For me, though, only time and being aware and reminding me I am safe seems to have helped. Constant reminders: I am safe.

Give yourself time and lots of self-compassion, it gets better.

Sending you support.

Agreed.

Here's an image I found helpful.

Some of our memories are stored in our short term memory bank. That's our fontal lobe.

Some of our memories are stored in deeper recesses. That's our unconscious mind. Those come back either voluntarily or involuntarily. These we can control through talk therapy and reframe them. 

Many of our memories, especially the traumatic ones, are stored in our bodies. We need to give our bodies time to catch up to our minds. It took me two years.

Hope that helps.

Rev

[Rev]

Agreed.

Here's an image I found helpful.

Some of our memories are stored in our short term memory bank. That's our conscious mind. These memories are a minority of what we remember. They become fuzzy over time. If we spend too much time here, we start to fixate and ruminate.

Some of our memories are stored in deeper recesses. That's our unconscious mind. Those come back either voluntarily or involuntarily. These we can control through talk therapy and reframe them. They impact our conscious mind and help it decide what to let go of.

Some of our memories, especially the traumatic ones, are stored in our bodies. We need to give our bodies time to catch up to our minds. When we do this, our unconscious minds are at peace and the rest flows from there.  It took me two years.

Hope that helps.

Rev

[Tibbles]

Really resonated with me. I found that hard and strange as well. What helped was counselling and my counsellor saying life was mainly a flat line, with occasional highs, like  a major holiday and occasional lows - like a illness/loss. It was not a zig zag line. Blew me away at the time. Took a long time to get used to the stillness and sort of boredom initially of life. Now I love it as I have learnt to create my own fun and fill in my own time is enjoyable peaceful ways.

[WhatToDo47]

Thank you all, and that is all really helpful. I will be patient and give myself time.

I have to get used to the mostly straight line. I really like all of the above advice.

I've realized that this wasn't my first BPD relationship. In fact, a few of my very first relationships were clearly with a pwBPD. I didn't know what BPD was at the time, or with this one, until my wife left.

I have to get used to what a normal, healthy romantic relationship is. None of the other relationships or aspects of my life are crazy like this, just the romantic ones referenced above.

I feel great relief thinking about a romantic relationship that is more in line with my values and healthy instead of the exhausting, soul crushing BPD cycle.

I have been in therapy for PTSD from her abuse, and you're right, it is helping. This makes me think of a question that I will probably post a new thread on.

Any other advice/insights? The support is greatly appreciated and I hope these threads help others, too. Nice to know that others have gone through this and made it to the other side.

[finallyout]

Working on detaching and moving on, and I'm realizing that I'm so used to the crazy crisis after crisis BPD speed that it's taking me a while to calm down and realize that most of the world is rational, kind, and sane, and that if I don't respond to every text, call, etc. and solve every problem RIGHT NOW I will be okay and so will the world.

This is something I am working on as well. Just realizing that not all the people are like my ex, and for that matter, like my mother as well. My background is a bit different from yours though. I was like that before her. I was always anxious and had the since of urgency and like the world was going to collapse soon. This is something I learned as a child who lived in a dysfunctional family and went through a lot of abuse from the person who should have been the source of security for him, the mother. So no wonder I ended up with a partner who abused me and manipulated me till I collapsed.

I think therapy is the only way to understand those feelings and to come to terms with them. I tried so many things in my life and walked many different paths just to get this sense of security, but nothing worked.

[WhatToDo47]

This is something I am working on as well. Just realizing that not all the people are like my ex, and for that matter, like my mother as well. My background is a bit different from yours though. I was like that before her. I was always anxious and had the since of urgency and like the world was going to collapse soon. This is something I learned as a child who lived in a dysfunctional family and went through a lot of abuse from the person who should have been the source of security for him, the mother. So no wonder I ended up with a partner who abused me and manipulated me till I collapsed.

I think therapy is the only way to understand those feelings and to come to terms with them. I tried so many things in my life and walked many different paths just to get this sense of security, but nothing worked.

I'm sorry to hear that you had to go through all that. You, and all of us, deserve a happy, healthy, safe, stable, meaningful life.

T is helping me and I'm so happy it's helping you, too.

I always had that sense of urgency, too, but from a competitive place, not with anyone else, but almost a sense of "life is temporary, I must maximize every moment." healthy when channeled properly, can get you stuck in BPD land for years if not.

It's amazing how they find our weaknesses and crush us into dust, intentional or not.

Glad to hear you're doing better and I know we both have better times ahead!

It does give me validation and reassurance to know that T is all that helped you, so that I don't get distracted and try to fill that void some other way. I have never had destructive habits, thank God, but I could see myself throwing myself into some physical or academic pursuit (mountain climbing, learning more languages, getting another degree, etc) instead of T. I must stay the course to get back to sanity.