Hello stuckgirl. While i respect your beliefs this appears like what happens when you follow an organized religion that has it roots stuck in the dark ages. Sex is normal. Masturbation is normal. Heard of Freud?. My understanding is humans need only food, water and sexual intimacy for survival.
If he touches himself, depression. If he doesn't, deeper depression. I think you have indicated the likely way to proceed by your own admission... . but no one can touch it? to go to the toilet? or just sexually?. Of course it's a major problem for him. It's a major problem for everybody. His hangup or past abuse or thinking has made him terribly dysfunctional. He is not the only one. I don't understand how to look for a release of physical symptoms without getting physical. Try scratching an itch by just thinking about it. I have. Sometimes you can withstand the urge and it will go away, but not always. Sometimes it just gets worse. I don't know if its a symptom of abuse or extreme guilting of oneself. If there is some terrible abuse behind it then best to get some deeper understanding for both of you. Have you tried to ask why he feels this way?. Not just the facts that you've mentioned. I have trouble understanding what people gain from following these contradictory beliefs, rules, required behavior?. Does it stop you descending into hell?... . because if it does then I don't think it's working. Im not trying to be funny but I have a habit of making light of the most serious things. It helps me. Whenever I have had a serious problem that I couldn't overcome whenever I did get past it or looking back the root cause was always the same. Faulty thinking on my part.
Your last sentence is very revealing of your feelings. I understand taboo. Maybe you are the one to help?... . if you can by talking, reading together (google is your friend), continue looking for answers which may (or may not) involve outside help. But know this. You are not the cause of these problems. Although you may be part of the answer. Know that if these very serious problems cannot be overcome they might overcome you. Are you prepared for that?. Is anyone hoping marriage will "fix" this?. As you have said the symptoms of this problem have already expanded outside the sexual domain.
I wish I could be more helpful... .
thank you johnlove,for replying,it honestly means a lot to know that someone understands how hard BPD and related problems are to deal with day to day.
its like you said,he is hoping that marriage will fix it,but it wont,it would make things harder.he believes sex is good and the best because its 'natural' and touching it (only sexually) might make something 'bad happen'... .
i asked him to explain a bit more and he said it was just how he felt,that he knew it was different thinking,but he felt as if he had done something horrible after just masturbating... .i tried telling him it was normal,that perhaps if he kept going ahead and doing it he would be able to overcome the guilt,since nothing bad would happen,he would know it was normal,but to him masturbation+killing a person.
what if marrying him leads to some serious sexual issues that he will not share with me before we sleep together.
i really wonder how can a marriage with guilt related problems in sex and lack of emotional support from one partner... since he has classic BPD and often fails to empathize,work? is it horrible of me to be thinking of only my hide,not his issues... .?