S18 left home and is not well

[MusicDad]

Hi everyone,

    First time post.  I am a loving Dad of my son w/BPD.  I noticed the change at around 12/13 yrs old.   He met a girl through video games that seemed to have a abusive family and from that moment on my son needed to save her and his former reality was forever changed.  Years of circular discussions and arguments prevailed as I saw his inner turmoil progress.  The anger, guilt, and inability to empathize with anything but his own status was visibly apparent in his eyes.  Eating and sleep disorders crept in and then,  He discovered "cutting" to the extent that by his 16th Bday there were, what seemed to be a thousand scars on his body.  My wife and I took him for assessment and he was kept for 1 week at child psychiatric facility and was "soft" diagnosed for BPD.  4 weeks after he turned 18 he left home without a word.  Dropped out of highschool. (Straight A student that would have been recognized with honor had he stuck it through a few more months).  Turns out there was a girl two states away that he met on the internet.  After a week of worry and heartbreak we made contact and he returned home.  Thought there was hope.  He took and completed his GED scoring in the top percentile of the country. He purchased a car and made plans to take driving test.  Hope was short lived.  Ten days later he decided to leave it all behind and jumped on a plane back to the girl.  He lives on the street when the girl's father is at home and lives with her when her dad is away on business. (4-6days per wk).

We have a loving family and home.  My wife and I love each other and him deeply and He has brothers and a  sister that love him.  He was never abandoned or abused.  He left everything (DUMPED)  He took a backpack with a few items and just turned us off.  It's bitter sweet that he waited until he was 18.  On one hand, he is an "adult" now and he is responsible for himself and he has every right to live life as he chooses, but it is so apparent that he needs help and there is nothing we can do.  He says he will eventually take his own life one moment but then talks about the big plans he has for him and his girlfriend the next.  Logic tells me that when his money runs out (he has a few thousand saved up) that reality will hit him and he will want to move back home, but unfortunately he has displayed zero logic with his current actions.  My heart is broken for him and my family.  I feel there is nothing I can do but pray for him.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Huat]

Hello MusicDad.   Glad you found us... .sorry you had to.

When you write... ."I am a loving Dad... ." that is a statement echoed by so many here... .Dads and Moms.  Knowing how much we love our kids makes it all the more mind-boggling that this can be happening in our families. 

You also write... ."I feel there is nothing I can do but pray for him"... .and, indeed, that is all we have left at times when we have done all that we can possibly think of doing. 

With that said, there are things that you can do and that is to continually arm yourself with as much information as you can (this website is a treasure trove of that info... .with links to more).  If/when he does show up again, have him find that things have changed in the house.  Communicate to him the boundaries that been set up.  Nothing to say this is going to be easy.

Bottom line, though, is that you have to look after yourself and the well-being of the rest of your family.  Have you and your wife ever gone to counselling for yourselves... .spoken to a professional who is familiar/trained-in BPD?

I see, MusicDad, that you have already posted a reply to another Newbie on this forum.  Great!  This is what it is all about here... .first of all it is knowing that you, yourself, are being heard... .secondly it is reaching out to others to give support and finding you are helping others.

Nope!  None of us want to be here but, thankfully, this is available for us.

Once again... .WELCOME!  Hang on.

Huat

[Feeling Better]

Hello MusicDad

I’m so sorry to hear what you are going through, it must be devastating for you.

My uBPD son has lived his life out of his backpack off and on for quite a few years, and all his stuff is left here in his bedroom that he will never sleep in ever again. So I understand what you are going through and my heart goes out to you.

You recognise that he is an adult now who is responsible for himself and his own life choices. You are very wise to acknowledge and accept this. One of the hardest things that a parent could have to do is to standby, and watch their child, who they know needs help, knowing that there is nothing that they can do. How painful that is.

You say that you feel that there is nothing you can do for him, I would like to join Huat in telling you that there is lots you can do for him. And for you too. If you look to the right  there are lots of tools and different resources that will help you immensely. What do you think?

 You have already taken the first step by posting here and as Huat says, you have already reached out to another member too. Both positive moves.

We are all here to help and support you as you move forward.