Sometimes

[Larmoyant]

Sometimes this just feels too hard. Like sitting on the edge of a cliff.

[Leonis]

I hear ya. Gotta pick yourself up eventually.

Just hope that there's no more entanglement with your ex.

[heartandwhole]

It really does feel that way sometimes. 

And one day, your future self will look back on this time and realize that it wasn't too hard. It didn't break you. 

What's happening today, Larmoyant?

heartandwhole

[Larmoyant]

I’m just feel overwhelmed remembering all the cruelty. Him leaving me in strange places, humiliating me by refusing to pay for my half of a meal in a restaurant and I had to leave my contact details with the manager, threatening to damage my car if I didn’t go back into the house, wanting to sort things out then changing his mind, leaving me when my little dog was dying, raging at me every single week, constant battles, and worse, cheating, telling others how horrible I am, it just goes on and on. It’s my fault because I stayed, kept going back. Who would? I must have been deranged or something. It’s just all becoming clearer and clearer. It's just a very bad day.

[heartandwhole]

The cruelty isn't your fault, Larmoyant. That's on him. Those were actions that he chose to make.

I'm sorry it's a bad day. I know how hard they can be to get through. Is there anything we can do to help? 

[Larmoyant]

I've been trying so hard to understand it all. Started to feel stronger. I don't know what's happened today, but I've fallen down. I sometimes think I'm not going to be able to get up again.

[PennyDreadful]

I can totally understand how you are feeling. Somedays, I feel almost normal. Other days I can't do much else than cry and mope around. When those days happen, I just can't shake it off.

When I started having panic attacks about 3 years ago, there were times that the future just seemed so dark and overwhelming! It was then that I had to remind myself, and KEEP reminding myself, that I only had to face the next hour... .or if that was still too much, the next 60 seconds. If I can get through the next 60 seconds, then I can do another 60. Sometimes, all I could do was focus on getting through literally minute by minute. By reducing the big bad future to something manageable as a day, an hour, or even a moment... .I could do it.

I wish I could remember it all the time! But sometimes I just have to throw myself a pity party and let it all out. Had me one last night... .but at least it wasn't the whole weekend! I'm claiming that as progress!

Hang in there! 

[Larmoyant]

I need to remember that, thank you. My therapist reminds me to take one step at a time. I started thinking about the future and it started a downward spiral in my mind. I'm just very tired.

[PennyDreadful]

I started thinking about the future and it started a downward spiral in my mind.

Thats when it starts for me as well... .thinking about the future. We were married for 20 years, I have been a SAHM for at least 8 years, so no income. We're only 2 months into a divorce. The future can be very terrifying for me, if I go there. So I have to literally STOP my mind from going there. Even if I have to say "STOP!" out loud, look in a mirror, give myself a pep talk. The future is full of unknowns, both good and bad, but I usually choose to focus on the bad. Who knows what is in our future? A better Job? Actual real happiness? freedom? I try to focus on the fact that there will be good in the future as well... .it doesn't always work, but I know it will work better the more I do it.

For all that, I still get weak and go there sometimes, hence last night's pity party!   But I have to cut myself some slack and realize that while I'm going to be strong in the future, maybe for now I can't be all the time. We are humans after all.

You WILL get back up. Maybe not this minute, but you will. We are all stronger than we think we are.

[JQ]

Lamoyant,

"Sometimes the most confident & motivated people need a helping hand at some point in their life".

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_ZQeMv5PXhg

J

[Larmoyant]

I’ve just done one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. Got my hair cut. I kept the appointment instead of cancelling it. I've cancelled it three times now. I talked to her about her health and her dog and pretended I was ok. It’s enough for today. JQ, I watched the video twice and in my small way followed the advice, thank you. Heartandwhole, thank you for the reminder that his actions weren't my fault, and Penny, the future is terrifying thank you for bringing me back to the present.

[Moselle]

Well done Larmoyant.   That was one of the things you planned to do. I'm celebrating it with you. Now each time you look in the mirror you can remember how brave you are.

Lets celebrate and be grateful for the steps each time we take one forward no matter how small. Pretty soon we will be running again.

What's the next step?

 

[Larmoyant]

Hi Moselle,

Next step? I just copied some questions from Healtoheals post to another member today. Not sure if I’m allowed to post them here? But I’m going to work through the questions so I can start to move from Victim to Survivor.  I also started on a list of things for which I’m grateful for and it’s helping.Thanks for your support and Leonis, in my distress I forgot to thank you too. No more entanglement with my ex I think he’s really gone this time. I hope for my sake he has.

[Moselle]

Yes. Please post FHTH's questions here. It will add value to the thread...

I can we sense you are moving into a more positive space. Well done for reaching out when you were feeling rough.

I have very tough times as well. I am learning about my inner child. He is the one who gets anxious, believes it will get worse, and generally acts out in codependent ways. I'm working on soothing him in those moments. Speaking reason, bearing in mind his frame of reference is a young child. It's what I needed as a boy but never received. Some of us need to learn to do this later in life. I accept that.

[Larmoyant]

I think it will be useful to learn about my inner child too as she has all but hijacked me. In my lowest moments I feel incredibly helpless and cannot see a way out. Scared and fearful and it gets overwhelming. I was left as a child, knew I had issues around this, low self-esteem, etc, but never quite knew the extent of the damage until now. This horrible relationship has triggered all this fear in me. How did that happen? I've managed to live a fairly happy life up to now. Ups and downs like all of us experience, but never a down like this one. If I can work on healing this (is that even possible?) or just accept it then maybe I’ll be ok. It sounds like it's working for you Moselle and that's encouraging.

Here are FHTH's questions:

What do you do well?
What are your positive traits?
What are you most proud of?
Who is grateful to have you in their life?
What will believing you're not worth the effort cost you?
If you could have any kind of future you wanted, what would it look like?

I've found them a struggle to answer without sinking into negative thinking, but I'm working on this.

[Moselle]

I've managed to live a fairly happy life up to now.

Good, well done. This was the adult... .most likely. Even with such a dysfunctional childhood

The inner child was hiding... .most likely. But if you look carefully she would have come out at vulnerable moments.

So if you reason this out rationally, you have been happy before. Its likely that you will be happy again. All the ingredients are still there. Masked currently by a dominant inner child screaming for attention perhaps, but when the inner child is calmed, you are likely to live happily again. In fact, because you have learned how to soothe the inner child, you are likely to be even happier than before. So even if its hard to believe others, it is logical as well.

The relationship or its break up, has triggered a deep wound and the inner child is hurting deeply, for all the reasons you are familiar with. Alone in the world, invalidation, shame (belief from childhood that "I am no good". She is taking centre stage just like a young child having a tantrum, demanding your attention. What do you think the adult Larmoyant should do with this inner child?

The good news is that people seldom do any core work until there is significant pain, and even then many decline to do it. So this is your BIG opportunity to really knuckle down and parent that inner child (where our parents were deficient). You will come out happier, healthier, and more likely to be able to have an intimate, loving, caring, respectful relationship with yourself and thence the likely scenario of having the same with someone else.

The prize is well worth the effort.

BPDfam is set up to help us through this process. Notice - saving the relationship, undecided, detaching, self inventory, dating. As we progress we naturally associate with the different boards. You are already on the road. All you have to do is persevere. It'll work out. Lots have been exactly where you are, and now have happy rewarding lives and relationships.

Larmoyant, we are all on this road together - you're not alone. Hang in there

[Larmoyant]

Moselle, without wishing this pain on anyone knowing that I'm not alone is comforting. I’m becoming more aware of what he triggered in me and how my expectations surely set me up for an almighty fall. My childhood injuries have risen to the surface that’s for sure, but maybe if I can explore them, lift them off of him, then maybe I can better deal with all of this. Thank you for helping me through some very difficult days.