Update: Chuckstrong the saga continues

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hi all

They locked my last thread after 4 pages ... .  see earlier post "12 days NC and i got a text" for the background... .  many of you know the story  So let me continue... .  Today-------

Very frustrated!... .  she has pulled back dramatically after calling practically every day for over a week and constant texts... .  i texted her twice this morning NO response... .  thats VERY unusual for her. Im so frustrated im about to pull the trigger on a NC request of my own. it would incorporate many exact quotes  P and C suggested... .  i am starting a new job next monday in the town next to hers... .  i need to be in a good frame of mind to be successful and i figure free of this drama will help... .  i texted her about the job and told her i was calling them back... .  not even that has garnered a response today... .  so unless i hear from her in the next few hours i was planning this text (or email):

C-

" as far as what you were saying the other night about you leaning on me and depending on me unfairly i totally get where you are coming from. i do. it is very understandable that you would feel that way. i guess deep down upon firther review ive been feeling like that too. as much as i love you i cant be this close when you dont seem to have clarity as to what you want. i still believe in us but unless we are on the same page i need some time and space to achieve separation from what ive hoped we would be. if we are to be in contact i would need some indication from you that you feel it possible for us to work things out. i would be at that point receptive to couples counseling or antyhing else that might potentially bring us back on the same page. otherwise i agree that you are right in that our current arraingement seems unfair. so unless/until thimgs fundamentally change for you i would ask that you

respect my need at this point for space and time to heal. thank you."


Then a few minutes later " By the way i accepted the position in XXXXX (town next to hers) starting next Monday 2/25"


So, any suggestions? input? advice? criticism? i appreciate all of it and ALL of you here.

Chuck(strong?)

[chuckstrong]

Hi all

They locked my last thread after 4 pages ... .  see earlier post "12 days NC and i got a text" for the background... .  many of you know the story  So let me continue... .  Today-------

Very frustrated!... .  she has pulled back dramatically after calling practically every day for over a week and constant texts... .  i texted her twice this morning NO response... .  thats VERY unusual for her. Im so frustrated im about to pull the trigger on a NC request of my own. it would incorporate many exact quotes  P and C suggested... .  i am starting a new job next monday in the town next to hers... .  i need to be in a good frame of mind to be successful and i figure free of this drama will help... .  i texted her about the job and told her i was calling them back... .  not even that has garnered a response today... .  so unless i hear from her in the next few hours i was planning this text (or email):

C-

" as far as what you were saying the other night about you leaning on me and depending on me unfairly i totally get where you are coming from. i do. it is very understandable that you would feel that way. i guess deep down upon firther review ive been feeling like that too. as much as i love you i cant be this close when you dont seem to have clarity as to what you want. i still believe in us but unless we are on the same page i need some time and space to achieve separation from what ive hoped we would be. if we are to be in contact i would need some indication from you that you feel it possible for us to work things out. i would be at that point receptive to couples counseling or antyhing else that might potentially bring us back on the same page. otherwise i agree that you are right in that our current arraingement seems unfair. so unless/until thimgs fundamentally change for you i would ask that you

respect my need at this point for space and time to heal. thank you."


Then a few minutes later " By the way i accepted the position in XXXXX (town next to hers) starting next Monday 2/25"


So, any suggestions? input? advice? criticism? i appreciate all of it and ALL of you here.

Chuck(strong?)

[Elsegundo]

"as far as what you were saying the other night about you leaning on me and depending on me unfairly i totally get where you are coming from. i do. it is very understandable that you would feel that way. i guess deep down upon firther review ive been feeling like that too. as much as i love you i cant be this close when you dont seem to have clarity as to what you want. i still believe in us but unless we are on the same page i need some time and space to achieve separation from what ive hoped we would be. if we are to be in contact i would need some indication from you that you feel it possible for us to work things out. i would be at that point receptive to couples counseling or antyhing else that might potentially bring us back on the same page. otherwise i agree that you are right in that our current arraingement seems unfair. so unless/until thimgs fundamentally change for you i would ask that you respect my need at this point for space and time to heal. thank you."

Seems great that you're communicating and taking care of yourself.  I'm a little unclear, though, about which action she's supposed to do here--let you know where things are or give you space?

[chuckstrong]

Elsee

I think the answer is give me space if she is in fact in a place where she cant give me more than she's presently giving me because its frustrating and unfair to me in the current situation.

But I am hesitant to pull the trigger on sending it cause NC sucks just like "pals" LC does.

So I may just text her one more time tell her I got the job see if that garners a response.

Chuck

[RedCandle]

Chuck, if she doesn't respect you enough to so much as respond to your communication... .  why are you handing MORE power over to her... .  trying to figure out what right words to say to elicit a reaction from her?

I imagine she is savoring the attention... .  as you chase after her.

She holds, every drop of power.

Do yourself a favor... .  and take back your dignity and the power over YOURSELF.

If you want space... .  you better TAKE it... .  because a BPD is not going to give it to you lovingly.

Sending more emails or texts her way only keeps the game going.

Think of what else you could do today if you took all the energy and mental capacity you gave TO her... .  and put it toward something else... .  

[oletimefeelin]

Chuck,

You're sending that to get a reaction out of her.  You're not serious about going no contact.  I am not sure you're ready to go no contact honestly.  What happens if she says nothing or agrees with you.  Are you prepared to carry out your threat? 

It's important to remember that you are not together any more.  I don't feel that she owes it to you to respond to your text messages.  She's not your girlfriend right now nor is she saying that she wants to reconcile. 

If she doesn't want to be with you, she does owe it to you to let you go.  Chuck, you have to understand that these women have horrible boundaries.  Emotionally they are children.  Every time she reaches out you respond in kind.  You are telling her it's okay with you.  How, if at all, have you communicated to her that her actions are not okay with you?  You certainly aren't doing so with your actions.

Chuck, you have to draw a hard line with these women.  They respect that.  It's hard for them, but they respect it more than this Caspar Milquetoast persona you are currently cultivating.  You tell her what you want.  You tell her what's not working for you about the situation.  Then you walk away.

How you are currently behaving will never bring ANY woman back much less a borderline.  Who was Chuck when you first met?  Something tells me you didn't dote on her every movement, right?  You need to get back to that person.  We've talked about this before.  You know what I mean and I'd imagine a big piece of your frustration is recognizing how much of yourself you have lost in the pursuit of this woman.

Last thing, the couples counseling idea seems really out of place.  I haven't seen where she's said she wants to reconcile.  You are getting way ahead of yourself here.  Right now, if you want to be with her, it's up to you to make her fall for you again.  It's not going to happen by being overly romantic or catering to her every move.  It's going happen when Chuck gets back to being Chuck.

Here's the rub though, Chuck.  You are left having to reel her back in, but you now recognize how nuts she really is.  So you're pissed off!  It's extremely difficult to manage all these emotions.  The situation is a powder keg.  The healthiest thing here is that you recognize the need to be on your game for the new job.  You know that'll be very difficult with this situation looming over your head.   

[Gaslit]

Ditto to oletimefeelin and RedCandle. Read what they said, over and over. And then again.

Just remember, this isn't end of the world type shyte. It may feel that way. It isn't.

You're actually chasing right now, whether you think you are or not. Stop!

We've all been there. Take a breath. And just go away from her for awhile. Give her a chance to miss you and you a chance to catch yourself. The push/chase never ever works, ever.

Stop for awhile. Seriously, that is what I believe you need, and her.

[chuckstrong]

Hi all

Yes I concur with all of you thank you... .  I am powerless and chasing and pursuing... .  and its no good I know... .  I was nothing like this 16 months ago when I met her... .  I was strong and confident... .  I cant believe what has happened... .  the honeymoon/idealization phase was so damn good feels like crack cocaine I'm addicted to and want back... .  I must and will stop I promise you... .  she's losing respect for me and i'm losing respect for myself... .  SO ... .  im not sending any grand proclamation NC request texts or anything remotely like it... .  im gonna show very little if any interest going forward... .  I have a new job I start Monday and CANNOT have this take away precious energy ill need to devote to the new gig... .  wont help that I will now drive thru her town to get there but that's neither here nor there... .  the point is like many have said here "don't make someone a priority that makes you an option" so very true... .  and as someone else told me... .  " the one with the least vested interest has the power" believe it or not in the beginning that was ME... .  

so again thanks you guys and I will read these previous posts over and over if I have to... .  there I a reason im here and that's to seek guidance and support from others here that have experienced this brutality known as BPD first hand and now its time for me to put into practice (im talkin practice!) what I have learned here... .  


THANKS!


Chuck (getting strong again!)

[chuckstrong]

Gaslit et al.

Per your advice read Oletimefeelin and RedCandle post(s) here i'd say 10-15 times so far ... .  ZERO contact so far today... .  time for Chuck to get back to being Chuck... .  !

[Gaslit]

Love it Chuck! It's difficult but highly valuable work. One day at a time! And always remember the old adage, sometimes the most powerful thing that you can do, is nothing at all.

p.s. I highly recommend if possible keeping busy with friends. It helps so much.

[recoil]

Hey Chuck,

Walk away.  The only way to win is not to play.

I'm going on approximately two weeks of NC/LC.  She's already had her kid call me twice and paged into my office.  I still consider myself NC as I have not responded, nor initiated any kind of communication.  Quite frankly, I'm to the point where I don't care if I'm NC or not -- as long as I don't let her get under my skin anymore.  Last thing I want to do is keep a running tally of how many days/hours I have been NC.  I don't need to waste that mental energy.

Sure, I have my down moments where I miss the fantasy of idealization but deep down in my heart, I now know it was never, ever going to work out and it wasn't my fault.  It's not me.  It's not you.  It's the disorder.  Respect that.  Believe it.  Grieve it -- but let go.

Save yourself.  Gather up your dignity and walk away.  I feel better for it.  I think you will too.

[mssomebodynice]

You've got this Chuck.  You are stronger than you think.  Take the power.  You know I stand behind you.  It was just a weak moment.  You are showing strength when you can realize that you can change your mind.  I am glad you are not going to send it.  I am really glad you have a new job.  A new job... .  a new start.  Positive thoughts are coming your way.

[chuckstrong]

Thanks everyone... .  

I never sent that text/email thankfully... .  Im just going to stay quiet work on me and try to recoup some of my dignity and power... .  As hard as it has been I have been NC since her last text Wed 10pm that said " Hitting the hay. So glad about the job. Wanna hear more about it. Maybe tomorrow."

Well... .  tomorrow came and went and so far today still zero communication. I guess she doesn't want to hear about the job THAT bad huh? But... .  if it was her situation the whole world should stop and I should be right there for her.

So tired of it. As much as I am wanting too I cannot initiate at this point the ball clearly is on her side of the net.

So... .  Going to workout, visit friends, go to happy hour and get ready to start my new job on Monday. That's the plan.

Thanks again guys feel free to keep chiming in. I need and appreciate your

support more than you will ever know.

Chuck

 

[chuckstrong]

Chuckstrong update

Fairly quiet last few days scattered texts is all... .  She stopped calling (again)

a week ago but texts every day... .  Monday morning (first day of new job)

she texted "good luck! go get em tiger!" then next day " yeayyyy! glad your first day went well. super proud of you! is everyone nice?"

so yesterday quiet and today I get this text on the way to work(I drive thru her town now to my new gig) it said " I just passéd you on the road. You look so nice. Good luck on your third day. Its hard being the new guy I know."

SO----------

I couldn't help myself I immediately called her and we talked and joked and giggled for 25 minutes on the way to work. It was nice but again bittersweet. she talks like we are old friends. I reminice constantly about places /things. Its SO frustrating.

Every day I say this is it . I cant take the friends thing anymore. What will I do when she meets someone new (if she hasn't already). I just cant be played for a fool anymore. But I cant stop either. Because NC has sucked too.

Both my only legit choices SUCK so what do I do? The choice I want just isn't available to me? ----She says oops it was a mistake I love you still lets go back to the honeymoon stage!

PLEASE remind me everyone that's NOT gonna happen!

Thanks!

Chuck

[inepted]

Every day I say this is it . I cant take the friends thing anymore. What will I do when she meets someone new (if she hasn't already). I just cant be played for a fool anymore. But I cant stop either. Because NC has sucked too.

Both my only legit choices SUCK so what do I do? The choice I want just isn't available to me? ----She says oops it was a mistake I love you still lets go back to the honeymoon stage!

PLEASE remind me everyone that's NOT gonna happen!

Thanks!

Chuck

My ex is already working on trying to get with someone new, but still keeping me around because she wants to be friends. I keep wishing she would just snap out of it, and everything goes back to the past, but I know that will never happen. Sometimes I even lie to myself, "She'll come back after this new guy dumps her and I'll be painted white again".  That honeymoon phase will never happen again. But I can tell you over time it does get a little easier to let go. Just start small. No one expects you to change overnight.

And I know how much the NC sucks. For me, it just made me feel even worse. But, I also hate getting tossed these breadcrumbs from her. So, I wait for her start contact with me from now on.  If she talks to me, great. If not, I go find something that I enjoy doing that takes your mind off her. And really, thats all you can do, because it just makes you feel even worse when you start dwelling on her.

Just hang in there, and keep focusing on yourself right now. It will get better!

[oletimefeelin]

SO----------

I couldn't help myself I immediately called her and we talked and joked and giggled for 25 minutes on the way to work. It was nice but again bittersweet. she talks like we are old friends. I reminice constantly about places /things. Its SO frustrating.

Chuck,

If you are trying to rekindle some sort of spark with her, you cut this phone call short.  Five minutes tops.  And for the love of God no walks down memory lane.  It's hard to have much sympathy for you on the friends tip.  You seem to me to be perpetuating this situation more than she is at this point.

One of the big issues with borderlines is that they can't "self-soothe".  That is that they can't tell themselves things will be okay etc.  You really need to work on this as well.  What is it that is so disgusting to you about getting on with your life?  I read a book a few years back - long before I ran into "her" - it's called "Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway".  The most useful concept in there to me was something called "the payoff for being stuck".  That we can deal with all the pain in our lives currently, but truly changing things requires scares the bejeezus out of us.  So we stay stuck in bad situations.

These decisions really are black and white.  You either make a concerted effort to attract this woman once again (ie not repel her with nostalgia, needy communication seeking her approval, long-winded phone calls etc) or you commit to taking Chuck into a new paradigm.  Something about the new Chuck part scares the ~ out of you.  Make peace with that somehow.  You know what the irony is Chuck?  Once you come to grips with that part - that you don't need her and that you can take her or leave her - that's the moment she comes back to you.  There's power in that either way. 

I can't keep writing this stuff to you.  I find something about your posts particularly endearing, so I pipe in.  At this point you know damn well what me and others here are going to say.  Start giving yourself advice, buddy.

[chuckstrong]

As usual Oletime you are exactly spot on... .  im trying... .  zero contact today so far so good!

And... .  

I made a date with another girl for next Saturday night. It's the night before my birthday. She seems so pumped for it and I never met her in person. Supposedly she's a 5'7 125lb blond hair and a tri-athlete so it sounds good to me already. I have wasted too much time grasping at breadcrumbs the past 6 months... .  Yes tomorrow its six months since the infamous sept 1 email announcing she was breaking up with me... .  (5 hours after saying ILY to me).

So, screw BPD I cant take it anymore. Oletime is right the minute I start to move on is when she's gonna want back in... .  its sick and never ending it appears. Only ends when we finally say enough is enough I guess.

Ive tried SO MANY times to do that unsuccessfully maybe this will be the time!

God Bless everyone suffering here and here's hoping our trials and tribulations with these BPD people are just a memory in the not so distant future.

Chuck

[recoil]

Hey Chuck,

Be careful dating so quickly (msg me).  I'm not saying don't do it.  But you should be prepared for some feelings and thoughts that might pop up during your date... .  and things to avoid talking about (LOL).

As an example, you don't want to start a new relationship using the drama triangle (you = victim, new date = savior, ex = persecutor).

[chuckstrong]

Chuckstrong Update 3/2/13

Almost 3 days NC ---after lots of texts and a 25 min chat Wednesday... .  She's

back in her shell and I am determined not to initiate this time... .  Everything was ok last text Wed night so no NC proclamations from either side I was busy at new job thu and fri and didn't here a peep from her so i'm staying quiet... .  VERY hard today tho day 3... .  I figure if I initiate I start over again... .  i'm determined this time I think... .  I may actually be taking a step back and seeing this last six months for the ridiculous waste of time its been me hanging on like a wounded puppy dog... .  NO MORE breadcrumbs! I could text her now and she would probably give me a cold matter of fact response. Would that help me? Yes for about 5 minutes... .  

I need to finally take a hard look at this and if I move forward and move on

it can only be good for me and b a powerful change if I attract her back or not. I DO know this what ive been doing the past 6 month hasn't worked!

Its been pain and anguish the whole time and even tho this NC and not communicating is hard I think in the long run its for the best... .  Its time I really take the advice of Oletime/Recoil/Red Candle/P&C/Gaslit and all of the other wonderful people who have chimed in on my sitch. Thank you all.

So, can I do it? just trying to make it thru the weekend. I actually type texts to her and erase them. its so crazy. Help me stay Chuckstrong you guys!

THANKS!

Chuck

[patientandclear]

Now is as good a time as any Chuck. You know there has to be some kind of break from this pattern somehow, sometime.

She'll be back in touch soon though, probably, so you'll need to decide how to handle that.

Meanwhile though ... .  I know the things you can do by yourself are not as absorbing as the memory of fun times w/her, but I promise they are more gratifying than typing texts you then erase. Nothing will get worse if you give yourself a complete vacation from this topic for the rest of the day or weekend, I promise. Likely, that would make things actually a little bit better. Whereas contemplating texting or actually texting on your current terms will make things worse, in that it keeps you mired in a dynamic you know hurts you & limits you.

Don't forget, the world is far larger than her or the history between you. Go find some of it. Odds that it will be more rewarding than the current options with your ex are good.

[chuckstrong]

Thanks p & c and everyone here

Its brutal every day but we gotta find a way... .  Im 24 hours NC again! I texted her last night she immediately responded but its the same blah blah blah... .  today zero and unless i initiate than nothing... .  so I have said it at least 100 times (ask anyone here!) im gonna stay quiet and try and detatch (again!) I have no choice really... .  zero reciprocity... .  all one sided at this point... .  the "pals" thing suckkkkks anyway so F this ----its time to be Chuckstrong... .  lets go!

Chuck

[chuckstrong]

Chuckstrong UPDATE------

Ok here we go again... .  Those of you here have heard

me say it SO many times in the past 6 months... .  Stop

Chuck you have to stop... .  but I haven't been able to do

it... .  yesterday I called her on the way to work and I actually

offered to drop off donuts to her kids on the way to work( snow

day here in CT) I drive practically by her house on the way to

work. She politely declined saying they didn't need the sugar

yada yada. So, the chat lasted 12 minutes and was pleasant

in some regards but the killer for me and hopefully the clincher

was that she seemed so patronizing and very condescending to the

point where it seemed she was doing me a favor even talking to me.

So one sided and frustrating. This was further exascerbated by the

fact I texted her twice later in the day. She ignored them

both. She rarely if ever has done that. Usually at least I get a cold

matter of fact response. So, I've got to save my life now. I feel it

has come to that. This sick addiction is ruining me. Here's the plan on

3/9/13 that I am going to try very hard to execute .

1. No more pursuing.

2. No more intitiating.

3. Respond politely and with no emotion when/if

    she contacts/ initiates.

4. Move forward.

5. Try and not let my thoughts every day be about her.

6.  Go on a date ( tonight actually) --- first real

     date since she broke it off Sept1

7.  Workout

8.  Have fun and smile alot.

9.  Read and relax

10. Go to the beach. ( when it gets warmer!)

11. Spend quality time with my kids/ friends.

12. Heal slowly with the ultimate goal of turning #3

      into total NC and then never look back realizing

      that it's done and I'm done with her and BPD.

Seems like a decent start to execute this 12 step plan

because I really have no choice. She has left me no choice.

BPD gives me no choice. If anything this will give me my

self-respect back and maybe the old Chuck will re-surface.

The fun Chuck. The happy Chuck. Chuckstrong.

I start this weekend my birthday weekend !

Today I will go NC. Tomorrow when I get the obligatory

" happy birthday " call or text I will say "thank you" .

Then I take my life my sanity my self -respect back.

That's my birthday present to myself this year.


Recoil, Oletime, Gaslit, Red Candle, P&C, Onetoughcookie,

Mssomebodynice, Johnnyorganic, Los, Mitchell et al... .  

Thanks to all you awesome people here you have helped

me SO much I could never thank you enough!


Chuck

PS -- Sara Evans said in her song " A Little Bit Stronger"

" I'm done hoping we can work it out. Im done with how

it feels spinning my wheels letting you drag my heart

around. I'm done thinking you could ever change. I know

my heart will never be the same but I'm telling my self ill be

OK even on my weakest days. I get a little bit stronger. I get

a little bit stronger. Just a little bit stronger! "

Yep!

[benny2]

Good for you Chuck. I hope someday I can say the same... .  someday

[benny2]

Oh and by the way, Happy Birthday!

[chuckstrong]

Chuck birthday update:

Just got the " happy birthday ya old geezer! "

text followed by " do you have the Dman ( my son)

today? How are you celebrating? Hope you are having

a nice day!"


So , this is after 2 days total NC... .  

How long do I wait and what do I say?


Chuck

[Newton]

Happy Birthday 

How about waiting as long as you need to... .  and saying whatever you feel like saying?... .  


How about you make this about you... .  rather than the expectation of a consequence as a result of the communication?... .  

Perhaps expressing yourself without fear attached?... .  

[tut-uncommon]

Chuck,

Please do not be afraid to seek professional help. I was so miserable in my r/s with a BPD. I simply had to . .

pwBPD's do not process thoughts or emotions like most of us here. What we read and understand, they are not only on a different page, but a different book and library!

pwBPD's come on strong and fast. You get on this fantastic ride of your life but when you try and give them what they want, need, should have and deserve, . . .     they push you away and/or sabotage the relationship. Its a terrible disorder.

The only thing you can control is YOU   

You cannot be good enough, love her enough, contact her enough, fix her or heal her. Its up to her (and a professional) to do that.

Peace and Prayers,

Tut

[chuckstrong]

Tut

Well put... .  thank you for the input... .  you are exactly right... .  time to worry

about me. I cant fix her that's for sure.

Update:

She sent me an e-card last night for my birthday.

It said " I tried to send this card to you earlier. Not sure if it went thru. I hope you had a great day with the boys. How was dinner? Where did you go? My earlier card said that

I think you are a great dad. I'm sure your boys celebrated you because you clearly have made them your priority. Not many men can say that. Happy Birthday! xo, C"

All quiet on the western front today. Im gonna do my best to keep it that way. I need to move forward and now is a good a time as any.

Thanks to all you guys for your amazing support.

Chuck

[chuckstrong]

Chuckstrong update:

After her semi sweet ecard on sunday she has been silent all week... .  its hard... .  its brutal... .  but I need to change the dynamic... .  I want to text her call her so damn bad but this time I wont... .  it hurts (ALOT) still but I can feel myself regaining some self respect and power by not continuing to text like I ordinarily would. I must move forward. this place has ben a god send for me.

Bless everyone here because we are all suffering to varying degrees .

Please chime in to give me continued support and suggestions.

Chuck

[tut-uncommon]

 Chuck,

I think what makes it so bad is that all of the responsibility is dumped on the victims (you,me, board-members). Its like its our fault if we give in and its our fault if we don't or we "abandon" them when in fact, they abandoned us.

[chuckstrong]

Chuckstrong update

Day 11 NC ------the all time record since we met October 2011... .  In some ways feeling great and stronger in others sad and weaker.

Want to desperately send her a " Hi. Thinking about you. Hope you are okay." text so she doesnt forget about me and to end the 11 day

streak. I am a numbers guy so its hard not to count them. In a sick way i feel that if there is contact and i "reset" the clock than shes not so far away

and not gone. I wonder during these 11 days if she has even fleeting thoughts of me/ of "us" like i do fairly constantly?

My head knows what my heart is having a hard time accepting that even if i was able to garner yet another recycle that inevitiblity will all go up

in smoke again. I know that BPD always wins. I know the honeymoon stage as wonderful as it was is nnever coming back. Yet I yearn for her approval, her feedback, and her contact even though its so patronizing and condecending at this point. But, to this point I have stayed very strong. I havent caved. That's due to the amazing support system here especially Recoil and P&C as of late. They have helped me to see that there are no real choices here when it comes to her.

The ONLY choice is to save myself and my sanity by continuing to heal and detach from this terribly toxic situation. She will never ever change and I

need to fully accept that as a fact.

So, thats where we stand as of today.

As usual all comments and suggestions are more than welcome here. Thanks!

Chuck(geting stronger!)

[patientandclear]

Hey Chuck.  You rock!  Very strong indeed.  Good for you.  Of the available options, this is the least rotten.

NC doesn't have to be forever.  When you have more distance you may want to be in touch & the contact may actually help you to accept who and how she is, because you can watch it with a little more dispassionate perspective.  That has happened for me after getting back in touch with my ex.

But first you have to be more solid yourself and not be hoping for something from her.  That's a ways off for you.  It took me 10 months.

You know she won't actually be closer if you reach out.  She will feel so very far away if she is perfunctory and superficially kind.  Nothing lonelier than that.

P&C

[RedCandle]

Chuck... .  print out all of your threads and keep them next to your phone.

The next time you are overcome with the urge to contact her or respond to her... .  READ them. Make it a rule.

When you see how this cycle has turned out each and every time, you will give yourself a huge gift... .  a chance to reflect and realize that stepping back into the cycle will only keep you on the roller coaster.