CRAZY MAKING

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My BPDgf and I have been "broken up" for a couple weeks now, but have seen each other a few times and have been talking quite regularly. Yesterday morning she called me hysterical because her 21 year old cousin was missing and had told some coworkers that he was thinking about suicide a couple days prior. No one else in her family was concerned except her cousin's mom, and no one else was willing to do anything about it. I stayed on the phone with her and validated her feelings of frustration regarding her family. I was quite supportive while maintaining healthy boundaries for myself. Suffice it to say her cousin took off to another state but he's safe.

An hour after this ordeal was over she told me via text message she was driving 1.5 hours with her brother to watch a hockey game and that she would call me tonight sometime. Oh, and she thanked me for my support. I love hockey but wasn't invited and she knew I wanted to talk with her last night. I was hurt and it was clear she had gone into "push away" mode. I responded to her message by telling her that I was relieved her cousin was safe. I also told her I wouldn't be available to talk with her tonight because I had dinner plans with a friend and his wife and had plans to talk with my sister after that. I told her I would be available to talk Monday night. She responded telling me she would call earlier in the day.

She sent me another message late last night asking me if I was upset with her, I said "yes". She then said that she couldn't talk with me about it because she didn't feel well. She then said she was upset about something that had nothing to do with me. I offered to talk with her about it and she declined and said she couldn't talk anymore because she had to do something to relax herself. She then told me she would "talk with me sometime". More push away. I said ok.

Tonight she sent me a message telling me that we can only talk occasionally now because I abandoned her last night and that we just aren't compatible. She said that she can "be there for someone no matter how she feels" and that she needs someone to do the same! She told me that I told her I couldn't talk to her because of how she was feeling. She even said, "I know my head isn't on straight but you should just accept me anyway. I know you have been there for me before but last night is what really matters." HOLY CRAP! This is insanity! Then she said, "Whether it was my fault or your fault doesn't matter, the point is I couldn't rely on you last night. Take it how you want." And here is the best part! The last thing she said was, "the only time I will call will be to get advice on what kind of medication the doctors want to give me." This girl has gone completely insane!

I'm simultaneously scared out of my mind for her well being and also pissed beyond belief at her. Has anyone else experienced anything like this? Anyone have any ideas as to what I can do now? Thanks everyone.

[boatman]

My BPDgf and I have been "broken up" for a couple weeks now, but have seen each other a few times and have been talking quite regularly. Yesterday morning she called me hysterical because her 21 year old cousin was missing and had told some coworkers that he was thinking about suicide a couple days prior. No one else in her family was concerned except her cousin's mom, and no one else was willing to do anything about it. I stayed on the phone with her and validated her feelings of frustration regarding her family. I was quite supportive while maintaining healthy boundaries for myself. Suffice it to say her cousin took off to another state but he's safe.

An hour after this ordeal was over she told me via text message she was driving 1.5 hours with her brother to watch a hockey game and that she would call me tonight sometime. Oh, and she thanked me for my support. I love hockey but wasn't invited and she knew I wanted to talk with her last night. I was hurt and it was clear she had gone into "push away" mode. I responded to her message by telling her that I was relieved her cousin was safe. I also told her I wouldn't be available to talk with her tonight because I had dinner plans with a friend and his wife and had plans to talk with my sister after that. I told her I would be available to talk Monday night. She responded telling me she would call earlier in the day.

She sent me another message late last night asking me if I was upset with her, I said "yes". She then said that she couldn't talk with me about it because she didn't feel well. She then said she was upset about something that had nothing to do with me. I offered to talk with her about it and she declined and said she couldn't talk anymore because she had to do something to relax herself. She then told me she would "talk with me sometime". More push away. I said ok.

Tonight she sent me a message telling me that we can only talk occasionally now because I abandoned her last night and that we just aren't compatible. She said that she can "be there for someone no matter how she feels" and that she needs someone to do the same! She told me that I told her I couldn't talk to her because of how she was feeling. She even said, "I know my head isn't on straight but you should just accept me anyway. I know you have been there for me before but last night is what really matters." HOLY CRAP! This is insanity! Then she said, "Whether it was my fault or your fault doesn't matter, the point is I couldn't rely on you last night. Take it how you want." And here is the best part! The last thing she said was, "the only time I will call will be to get advice on what kind of medication the doctors want to give me." This girl has gone completely insane!

I'm simultaneously scared out of my mind for her well being and also pissed beyond belief at her. Has anyone else experienced anything like this? Anyone have any ideas as to what I can do now? Thanks everyone.

[GreenMango]

Wow! She's all over the place emotionally.   

You know the drill with this stuff.  The emotions rule.  The contradictions - it can be exhausting.

You mentioned you guys were broken up.  Is it like a therapeutic break, time out, get some space - or a break up where you want to assess if it's worth trying for?

Do you think she will be calling tomorrow wanting to talk again - maybe want to try again when she's feeling better?

[mitchell16]

boatman, I really feel for you. I understand since that is how I have lived for two years. I used to rub my head trying to figure out things that made no sense what so ever.

If I wanted sex, thats all I wanted her for.

If I didnt want sex I rejected her and wasnt into as much i used to be.

if I tried to call her when she was mad, I smothered her.

If I stopped calling, I didnt chase her so I must have someone else.

if I wanted to talk about her behavior, I loved to argue.

if I didnt want to talk it about, I didnt care and she couldnt communicate with me.

once I hadnt seen her in a bout 5 days i told her I missed seeing her she said I was obsesseded with her.

If I cleaned her house I didnt do it right.

if I didnt clean her her house I was lazy and alway sat on my ass.

I could go on and on. But one thing that has been consistent was the fact that no matter what I did I couldnt make her happy. It was impossible. if when I did something excately how she told me to do it. was still impossible.

[boatman]

Thanks for the feedback.

Green Mango-

Originally, I broke up with her because she was raging at me and telling me it was ok for her to do so. I've ALWAYS hoped she would decide to get help and things would get better. I don't want to lose her, just the thought of it is heartbreaking. I'm hoping she will calm down and contact me. Right now I want the good times back.

Mitchell16-

It's absolutely maddening! How do you deal with it? She's raged at me so many times for trying to get her to talk when she shuts down. "you just need to accept that I can't talk at that moment!" she would scream. So this time she told me she couldn't talk and I accepted it. So, she twists it around and tells me that I'm the one that wouldn't talk! And she tells me again that I don't accept her! AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! I feel so mad writing this that I just want to take a chainsaw and cut her bed in half!

[GreenMango]

We ALL want the good times back  .  It's the honeymoon phase.  It cycles. 

Maybe try shooting for semistable?  How did the staying tools work out?  Do you think its something that plateaued with the tools and now its the underlying mood instability that needs to be addressed?

[boatman]

I think this behavior is in part due to the fact that I did not react to her push/pull behavior. I think she pushes sometimes so I will "chase" her. I didn't do that this time and it enraged her. She is so used to manipulating people to get her needs met, she doesn't know any different. I also think that all the other stressors in her life are also contributing to her unstable mood and this psychotic state she has been in.

I need the good times back. I really miss the nice version of her.  :'(

[boatman]

Hi everyone-

I decided to send her an email yesterday morning because I felt like there were some things I really needed to say. I really felt better after I sent it, at least until I got her response last night. Here's the original she sent me, which I described at the beginning of this thread, the email I sent her yesterday morning, and her 2 responses. There are 2 excerpts from the conversation which lead up to the email she sent me about "not being able to count on me", which I described at the beginning of this thread, that I included in the email I sent to her. I had hoped she would see that I did not tell her that I couldn't talk with her because of how she was feeling, that she was the one that decided we couldn't talk. It obviously didn't work. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated. I'm deep in the FOG and need some serious reality testing here.

exBPDgf:

hi. i dont know if im going to be able to call you tomorrow. im still pretty mad & hurt by what you did last night & still scared to talk with you. i cant recall ever being afraid to talk to someone like this so i think its not right. i know you helped me yesturday... .  i really dont know what i said or did to make you upset with me but i know i felt completely terrible last night & really needed & wanted to talk to you. for all the reasons that dont matter the fact is that you wouldnt be there when i needed you which you said you'd always be there for me. I know i can be there for anyone no matter how i feel & its something i want someone to be able to do for me. you have maybe done it before but last night is what matters. yea my head isnt on straight... i know that. i dont need or want anyone to tell me this. people are either gonna accept it or not. i dont feel that you accept me. im pretty mad at u &never wanted it like this so i dont know what to do. i think we both need to move on & just talk on occasion unless one of us really needs something. cuz i will always always be here for you. we need to accept that we are not compatible now. thanks for all the good times. i will journal them soon so i dont forget them. thanks for everything you have done for me

   

Me:

Good morning-

    How are you? I've read this conversation 50 times trying to understand your point of view. I understand that you were scared to talk with me. You have told me before that you are scared to talk on the phone with many people because you don't know what to say. I understand that it's hard for you and that it must be incredibly frustrating for you. I also know you felt incredibly unsupported by your family on Saturday so it must have been gut wrenching to feel like I wasn't supporting you either. I'm sorry you felt that way. Since I'm your only healthy support that must have been an awful feeling. The truth is that you told me you couldn't talk and I offered to anyway.

    exBPDgf:

    maybe we can talk about it sometime cuz rite now i really cant deal with anything. i wanted to call you but was too afraid & now im even more scared so ill just try to go to sleep on my own.

    Me:

   

I understand... .  scared about me or is about something else? because if something else is going on you can tell me if you want

    It's there in writing hit_. Here is another excerpt where I brought up the fact that you were having problems and YOU TOLD ME that you couldn't talk.

   Me:

   

plus I didn't know earlier that you were having more problems

   exBPDgf:

   

well that doesnt matter cuz i need to talk to u know & cant so by monday ill have new.problems im sure so whatever.

    i gotta go. i cant do this right now. its just overwhelming me more. im sorry. i need to find something to relax me

    i will talk with you some time. thanks again for being there for me today. i do really appreciate it & im sorry for whatever i did to hurt you. i hope you have a nice day tomorrow.

    Again, it's there in writing. you told me that you had to end the conversation. You yelled at me many times in the past telling me that I need to ACCEPT the fact that you can't talk sometimes. That's exactly what I did and now you are punishing for it and telling me that I don't accept you!

    I'm not saying that YOUR FEELINGS aren't true. I know you felt scared and abandoned too. Like I said, those are awful feelings. I will go out on a limb here and also say that you felt abandoned because you pushed me away and I didn't respond like I usually do by trying to pull you back in. Instead, like I told you before I was going to, I tried not to react and just be steady so I wouldn't enable the push/pull. You agreed that it was a good idea when we talked about it before.

    I want to have regular, healthy communication with you. If you want to stop talking completely I will honor that. If you want to take a break from talking and start again sometime soon that's better. I need to know what you think is best FOR YOU. If you do want to part ways completely I would ask that we meet in person to say goodbye. I know you don't like saying goodbye so here is what I'm asking for specifically: we hug and kiss and each say "I love you". Most importantly we don't walk away mad. I don't want another 8 years of bad feelings and fear between us.

    Please let me know what you think is best for you. I miss you. I love you.

    Boatman

   

exBPDgf's response:

   

U said u were upset with me so i appologized for making u upset & then said maybe we can talk about why u were upset at another time cuz i couldnt deal with it then cuz my plate was already full. I was scared to talk to u cuz im always just plain scared to talk to u & my anxiety increased after u told me u were upset with me. I was having issues with other things & having anxiety over u just did not help. You cant pick certain parts out of the convo. They all go together. You really didnt offer to talk and then u couldnt talk the next time cuz u had plans yet u were up late anyways. So it is what it is. About saying goodbye or talking regularly & stuff... .  i dnt know what i want to do with that so right now this is how it is. also... .  i am not willing to meet and "say goodbye". That will never happen unless i am moving far away or something. Breakups dont always happen like that so u will have to adapt to the situation. Anyways. Thats all i have to say. I felt i needed to explain myself a little more cuz u still dont understand. Ttyl. Bye.

 

exBPDgf's 2nd response:

   

Since u were online tonight and chose to not write back anything id appreciate it if u dont send one in the morning if thats what u were planning cuz im not a morning person & i automatically get a bad feeling when i see i have a message even before i read it. U said u didnt want to communicate on here either so i dont know why u sent me the last message this morning. So ill talk to u sometime here not in the morning or sometime if u or i decide to call. Thanks.



I haven't sent her any response yet. My urge was to send her a message telling her to kiss my ass. Obviously that wouldn't be helpful. She has NO CLUE how hurtful she is being. Or does she? I don't know.

[slimmiller]

Crazy making is right.

I had a very similair exchange yesterday via texting. She was going on and on and raging about something I had 'said' to her mother supposedly months ago in reference to the impending custody battle she is having her ex (step-son). She told me how I was not supportive and she was going to not talk to me about it etc.

I immediately text her back, "I understand you being upset and I will continue to be supportive and I dont want to lose him" meaning the stepson. She texted back, "oh I am not upset". She was raging so bad she was leaving complete words out of her sentences.

I wonder at times if they have any idea what they are doing when they disregulate... .  

[honeybadger]

This all sounds sadly familiar. I feel for you. I've been there and am there right now, but not to this degree.

What I am more concerned about is you. We twist ourselves into emotional pretzels for these folks and they call us rigid. I am trying [baby steps!) to set boundaries right now and get in touch with what I want, with what I need and with what I will and won't tolerate. To get yourself to a peaceful place, I wonder if you might have to let her deal with her own chaos for awhile? It's not yours to own and it's not yours to fix.

I wonder at times if they have any idea what they are doing when they disregulate... .  

Clearly, I don't think they do. My uBPDbf never remembers his episodes, but remembers and even magnifies every bad thing every done to him. He had an awful childhood, just horrible. But the smaller transgressions he experienced in adulthood seem to wound him just as much.

Good luck! Be good to yourself.

[GreenMango]

Boat this became a circular conversation when you started to let her resolve these feelings for herself.  It's an extinction burst.  And the accusations and irrational thoughts took over. 

It's a tough situation to be in.  Have you read the worships on these it might give some advice on how to proceed from here?

[boatman]

I wonder at times if they have any idea what they are doing when they disregulate... .  huh

Hi slimmiller-

I often wonder the same thing. I wonder how much is conscious manipulation on their part and how much is unconscious behavior.

What I am more concerned about is you. We twist ourselves into emotional pretzels for these folks and they call us rigid. I am trying [baby steps!) to set boundaries right now and get in touch with what I want, with what I need and with what I will and won't tolerate. To get yourself to a peaceful place, I wonder if you might have to let her deal with her own chaos for awhile? It's not yours to own and it's not yours to fix.

Hi honeybadger-

This is good advice. As far as I'm concerned she's on her own right now. I definitely need to take care of myself. I really like your emotional pretzel analogy. I can actually visualize myself doing that. 

GM-

I agree that this is an extinction burst. I hope the irrational thoughts go away soon but I'm not holding my breath. Right now I'm not going to respond to her. I'm choosing to disengage the argument from my end.

On a lighter note, she sent me another entertaining message this morning.

Even tho im still very angry with you i want to remind you that if you need help or have an emergency you can call me & i will be there for you.

This made me laugh hysterically. It's almost as if she's saying, "I'm going to throw hot water on you, deny it, but I promise to take you to the hospital". I may not be able to laugh about this tomorrow but tonight I can and that's enough for me for right now.