How to handle a win

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

My husband was able to get a stipulation to the parenting plan saying that SD4 is not allowed around felons. BPDexw signed it and had it notarized in the state where she lives. BPDexw is supposed to have all of her parenting time at her parent's house. She just realized what she signed and is now blowing up my husband's phone.

She is saying that it is not fair and she just wants what my husband and I have. BPDexw's fiance has a 15 year history of selling and using meth. He is part of a gang. His family has committed acts of violence against cops, and my husband is in law enforcement.

We have a scheduled mediation next year. My husband is worried that the family court system will take SD4 away from us. He is worried that because of the anti-male bias in the court that BPDexw will get custody of kiddo and we will only get her eow. We have tons of documentation regarding her giving up parenting time, and she has violated every provision of the court order.

We don't have money for an attorney. He wants to make another stipulation saying that just her fiance can be around kiddo and make the orders that we have now permanent.

I feel like we finally have a position of strength and he wants to just give BPDexw what she wants.

Can someone give me some advice as to what we could or should do next? Will mediation mean that we lose kiddo to the crazy?

[newlymarried]

My husband was able to get a stipulation to the parenting plan saying that SD4 is not allowed around felons. BPDexw signed it and had it notarized in the state where she lives. BPDexw is supposed to have all of her parenting time at her parent's house. She just realized what she signed and is now blowing up my husband's phone.

She is saying that it is not fair and she just wants what my husband and I have. BPDexw's fiance has a 15 year history of selling and using meth. He is part of a gang. His family has committed acts of violence against cops, and my husband is in law enforcement.

We have a scheduled mediation next year. My husband is worried that the family court system will take SD4 away from us. He is worried that because of the anti-male bias in the court that BPDexw will get custody of kiddo and we will only get her eow. We have tons of documentation regarding her giving up parenting time, and she has violated every provision of the court order.

We don't have money for an attorney. He wants to make another stipulation saying that just her fiance can be around kiddo and make the orders that we have now permanent.

I feel like we finally have a position of strength and he wants to just give BPDexw what she wants.

Can someone give me some advice as to what we could or should do next? Will mediation mean that we lose kiddo to the crazy?

[DreamGirl]

What does mom say about the felon?

Is he clean?

Is he employed?

Reformed? When was the last time he was incarcerated?

How is he with your SD?

[newlymarried]

Mom says he is awesome. Although she also said he just crashed a car, and he has had his drivers license taken away for 5 years before the crash. He was driving without a license and got into an accident. Judgement still isn't very sound apparently.

He just finished drug court, which mean for pretty much the first time in his adult life he isn't being monitored by anyone. The last time he was arrested was last year. It was the year before that he got out, from a short 2 year bid for possession and distribution. I have no idea if he is employed.

Mom says he is awesome with SD too. This is the mom that locked kiddo in her room for hours on end, so what she sees as good parenting, is questionable.

[ForeverDad]

Odds are he will drive yet again without a license, probably wreck another car too.  Do you want your stepdaughter in the car with him?  You can't police him that closely, they'd just lie that they're complying with all restrictions and then go ahead and do whatever.

[livednlearned]

I know lots of people talk about the male bias in court, but there is research that says the bias exists because most mothers are the primary caregivers. So the bias isn't gendered, exactly -- it just appears that way because most mothers are the primary caregivers. Does that make sense? If you and your H are the primary caregivers, and you ask for primary custody (research says that a lot of men don't), then you stand a chance going up against the bias. I realize that who you have as a judge makes a huge difference, and he or she may be discriminatory, but I also think many people let the anxiety about losing custody win before giving things a real chance.

Just sayin'.

Your BPD sufferer signed the papers, is with a felon who appears to still be making bad choices, has signed away her parenting time multiple times. You and your H are steady, consistent, the primary caregivers. Why negotiate against yourselves? That's one of the big lessons N/BPDxh taught me during my marriage. He was a trial lawyer, and would talk about ways that people negotiated against themselves, imaging what the opposing party would say, and inevitably betting against themselves to end up with a deal that sucked.

[newlymarried]

That is what I am trying to tell my DH. BPDexw has no power in our home, she can't wreak his life anymore. She tried to extort him over the custody stipulation they just signed. You shouldn't try and do that to a cop that knows the law.

He is so used to having BPDexw blow his life up every six months, that he is anxious now because it is about that time. I keep telling him that she can't do anything to us and she is setting herself up to get supervised visits with mediation. She doesn't take her parenting time. She doesn't try and make up for it either. She pays no child support and hasn't contributed to the kiddo's well being at all.