It's all about him

[honeybadger]

He said he wanted to "talk things through" and work it out. I thought email was a good format bc there is no tone, and also, because sometimes when he is like this, I feel dominated by his physical presence. He said it was not his favorite (prob bc he has less control that way!) but he agreed.

I wrote heartfelt emails, very carefully worded, trying to validate, taking responsibility for my errs, but also telling him about what I needed/issues I saw from my end (some of which dealt with his behavior). Upbeat up the wazoo, which is me. Did everything exactly as you should.

So I got a 4-line email back, totally defensive, about 1 thing that I had said that's been on top of his mind. Negative. I am the oppressor.

Zero validation of my feelings. Zero acknowledgement or ownership of anything (And he can and does apologize when he comes back "to."

After a few emails, he apologized for some of his errs. But I am just gobsmacked. And I don't know why. I haven't contacted him since. At first when we were broken up, my abandonment fears kicked in. Now I am just annoyed and disappointed and yes, angry about the injustice.

Thanks for listening

[hithere]

Has he been diagnosed with BPD? Do you go to therapy? Are you currently broken up?

[honeybadger]

No. Yes, I have been in therapy for many, many years but him no. Yes--sorta. Dangling.

I've been on these boards reading for awhile, have read all the lessons. He is almost certainly BPD or maybe subclinical. I know you mentioned you were not sure in another post. BPD. All the signs, symptoms and behaviors are consistent with classic BPD.

Just for the record, I'm not asking your anyone's opinion if he is. I know he is.

[patientandclear]

HB -- a suggestion.  If you feel comfortable, maybe post the exchange on Staying & see what some skilled Stayers say about whether it was REALLY invalidating though warm and affirming.

Your description of the exchange sounds like so many I've had with my pwBPD.  I write long heartfelt warm loving emails.  His response is incredibly cursory, may or may not even acknowledge what I said let alone its emotional weight ... .  

I've come to see that this is because he cannot go to this area in his head/heart without great discomfort.  He just sort of has to screen it out.  I don't think that that means it isn't sometime valuable to say what we have to say, but to expect them to be able to process it like we would process it if we received a similar communication -- not going to happen.

They may (may) be able to process simple affirming communication that says essentially "everything's fine!"  Anything that delves into problems conveys (i) you are unhappy and may leave, and/or (ii) you are unhappy and are trying to make him change/colonize his sense of self.  Both provoke panic and preclude just calmly working through the issues you identified.  The bad feeling MUST have been caused by you so not only are they worried, perhaps simultaneously, about abandonment & engulfment, but also, YOU caused that and are bad.

I used to censor what I'd say so carefully to try to prevent that reaction ... .  and found I could never prevent it forever.  But if you want to minimize the odds of a negative or brush off reaction to your heartfelt communication, I think the Stayers are right that you should make sure to use SET or DEARMAN or at least think about the principle behind those approaches and how you can employ parts of them to make the communication ACTUALLY less threatening to your pwBPD.  If you're not doing that already.

Good luck ... .