Need team advice.

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Hello team! Still alive after my last trauma a illness and happy to be back stronger!

I need advise on whether to invest anymore time with my now ex and also need pro advice on just what personality disorder I have been dealing with and whether I should run while I have the chance.

Background. Met entrepreneurial woman 48 years old. I have also been successful as a businessman owner, and met her at my business. First red flag should have been her attention getting amongst her 5 friends. She was flamboyant and worked hard to be the center of attention. Well long story short, I thought she was fun. Fast forward. After a year I noticed some strange behavior and very very very deep issues with trust. Her x husband divorced her because he said she was too intense. He was much younger but eventually left her.

She had 5 years of counseling post breakup, but still insist all mutual friends must choose her over him even today's and unfriended those who ever have contact with him. Here is what I am  asking you sweet friends for help on. I will list her issues and personality traits and seek support on what she might be. NPD, bd, nbd, histrionic or combination. The reason I don't walk away now is because if its a personality disorder that can be fixed, I might hang in there. But I am leaning squarely on running and going no contact to get over her and avoid losing any more time on her. There are too many fish in the sea, and this is a unique chance to break free while I have the chance.

1. She is over the top,self absorbed. When she talks, its about her. When i start to talk even to answer her questions, she will suddenly change subjects or look away and start cutting me off to point out an interest she has like a truck she wants that passes by, or a person walking by. My friends all say she is impossible to carry on a conversation as she suddenly cuts them off mid sentence or changes subjects when they talk about their interest.

2. She walks into every situation very loud and flamboyant and bull doses over everybody in volume and dominates the discussions. I see business owners roll their eyes when she is shopping because she will cut them off when asking about their products. Cuts them off mid sentence. Always calls them " love"  like " thanks love for showing me the watch or jewelry.

3. Always seeks attention to herself by dressing like a much younger woman. Mini skirts, leggings hats' piggy tails and over the top pink uggs and pink pink pink. I have yet to see her dress professionally or appropriately for business occasion.

4. She will point on personal flaws of everybody including weight, skin, teeth, etc... So much so that its uncomfortable. She herself wears big vest to cover her belly, and expandable skirts.

I like her physical appearance fine, but she goes overboard on people attributes.

5. I ask friends their first impression of her and without question they say she is disingenuous and arrogant and dresses like a clown.

6. Every compliment that she gives feels fake. For example, she will say I am handsome, but will say it 10 times in ten minutes. After awhile it seems she is fake.

7. She is extremely jealous  and will start an argument and lose it. No reasons to be jealous, just goes berserk if i friend anybody on Facebook that's female. Even my niece.

She will say " go ahead and screw her" when I try to explain.

8. She will tell me what we are going to do before I agree. Trips, work out schedule and just about everything SHE wants to do.

9. She,does nice things for people all the time but makes sure she post it on Facebook.

10. Here is what gets weird. She subscribes to back ground check service and spies on everybody. She ask for my Facebook password to prove I am not cheating. Wants my cell phone to see if i am texting other women. Says she will let me see hers as she has nothing to hide. I decline every time and say I trust her. She says she trust me explicitly, always accuses me.

11. She appears to always be friends with men of prominence that can help her business. No long standing friends. Appears to be the alpha female among all her friends. Only weaker females are in her inner circle.

12. She apparently has a hard time keeping any relationships with boyfriends intact. They dump her. She had only one two year relationship in 8 years. She was rejected by match.com because her profile makes her match criteria almost impossible to match.

13. She hacked my Facebook and saw in my search history where I had looked up my ex of 25 years past, and dumped me last week saying i was a sick stalker! After she does background checks and ask for passwords to personal info.?

14. She has no social filters. She will openly talk about her past sex life even now. I don't ask, but for example, i took her golfing and she pointed out that she had sex with her ex boyfriend

9 times on a golf course. I hmmm, ok... .

Ironically, we only had sex 3 times in a year, and she was so hung up on her looks, she couldn't let go and faked everything. It was such poor acting that I laughed and she admitted that she had body image issues and couldn't let go and had too. She is so hung up on this I don't believe  she had much sex in her life and lies about her past tryst. In fact, she said her ex husband had a porno problem. I tend to think she didn't extend that important element to her husband and he,sought other avenues and finally divorced her. With me, she said only when I proved to her thru blood test will she ever have sex. I said ok, that I had been celibate

For some time, but wanted to get to know her first due to my ex relationship with a BPDw . 10 months later,we had sex. Not since December had we been intimate. One excuse after another... Didn't care but now I do.

15. Her behavior has NPD items, with BPD qualities, without the promiscuous elements, and many histrionic flaws. See the movie "Mean Girls", she is Regina to the max, but without the looks. She is cute but acts like she is a 10' when she is far less in the physical appearance, but thinks she is unbelievably attractive. I believe in inner beauty. All is vanity with her and when we all die, all look the same, unless not all skeletons look the same.

So in a nutshell, I fell in love despite these warnings and she is fun, and has many great attributes, but since she dumped me and assume she will be back, what would you suggest I do, and can you give me affirmation to go non contact to,simply heal and move on. I dont want to go no contact to get her back if i decide to move on after I take your advice. I thank you for your advice.

Harvej

[cheaptrick]

Hello team! Still alive after my last trauma a illness and happy to be back stronger!

I need advise on whether to invest anymore time with my now ex and also need pro advice on just what personality disorder I have been dealing with and whether I should run while I have the chance.

Background. Met entrepreneurial woman 48 years old. I have also been successful as a businessman owner, and met her at my business. First red flag should have been her attention getting amongst her 5 friends. She was flamboyant and worked hard to be the center of attention. Well long story short, I thought she was fun. Fast forward. After a year I noticed some strange behavior and very very very deep issues with trust. Her x husband divorced her because he said she was too intense. He was much younger but eventually left her.

She had 5 years of counseling post breakup, but still insist all mutual friends must choose her over him even today's and unfriended those who ever have contact with him. Here is what I am  asking you sweet friends for help on. I will list her issues and personality traits and seek support on what she might be. NPD, bd, nbd, histrionic or combination. The reason I don't walk away now is because if its a personality disorder that can be fixed, I might hang in there. But I am leaning squarely on running and going no contact to get over her and avoid losing any more time on her. There are too many fish in the sea, and this is a unique chance to break free while I have the chance.

1. She is over the top,self absorbed. When she talks, its about her. When i start to talk even to answer her questions, she will suddenly change subjects or look away and start cutting me off to point out an interest she has like a truck she wants that passes by, or a person walking by. My friends all say she is impossible to carry on a conversation as she suddenly cuts them off mid sentence or changes subjects when they talk about their interest.

2. She walks into every situation very loud and flamboyant and bull doses over everybody in volume and dominates the discussions. I see business owners roll their eyes when she is shopping because she will cut them off when asking about their products. Cuts them off mid sentence. Always calls them " love"  like " thanks love for showing me the watch or jewelry.

3. Always seeks attention to herself by dressing like a much younger woman. Mini skirts, leggings hats' piggy tails and over the top pink uggs and pink pink pink. I have yet to see her dress professionally or appropriately for business occasion.

4. She will point on personal flaws of everybody including weight, skin, teeth, etc... So much so that its uncomfortable. She herself wears big vest to cover her belly, and expandable skirts.

I like her physical appearance fine, but she goes overboard on people attributes.

5. I ask friends their first impression of her and without question they say she is disingenuous and arrogant and dresses like a clown.

6. Every compliment that she gives feels fake. For example, she will say I am handsome, but will say it 10 times in ten minutes. After awhile it seems she is fake.

7. She is extremely jealous  and will start an argument and lose it. No reasons to be jealous, just goes berserk if i friend anybody on Facebook that's female. Even my niece.

She will say " go ahead and screw her" when I try to explain.

8. She will tell me what we are going to do before I agree. Trips, work out schedule and just about everything SHE wants to do.

9. She,does nice things for people all the time but makes sure she post it on Facebook.

10. Here is what gets weird. She subscribes to back ground check service and spies on everybody. She ask for my Facebook password to prove I am not cheating. Wants my cell phone to see if i am texting other women. Says she will let me see hers as she has nothing to hide. I decline every time and say I trust her. She says she trust me explicitly, always accuses me.

11. She appears to always be friends with men of prominence that can help her business. No long standing friends. Appears to be the alpha female among all her friends. Only weaker females are in her inner circle.

12. She apparently has a hard time keeping any relationships with boyfriends intact. They dump her. She had only one two year relationship in 8 years. She was rejected by match.com because her profile makes her match criteria almost impossible to match.

13. She hacked my Facebook and saw in my search history where I had looked up my ex of 25 years past, and dumped me last week saying i was a sick stalker! After she does background checks and ask for passwords to personal info.?

14. She has no social filters. She will openly talk about her past sex life even now. I don't ask, but for example, i took her golfing and she pointed out that she had sex with her ex boyfriend

9 times on a golf course. I hmmm, ok... .

Ironically, we only had sex 3 times in a year, and she was so hung up on her looks, she couldn't let go and faked everything. It was such poor acting that I laughed and she admitted that she had body image issues and couldn't let go and had too. She is so hung up on this I don't believe  she had much sex in her life and lies about her past tryst. In fact, she said her ex husband had a porno problem. I tend to think she didn't extend that important element to her husband and he,sought other avenues and finally divorced her. With me, she said only when I proved to her thru blood test will she ever have sex. I said ok, that I had been celibate

For some time, but wanted to get to know her first due to my ex relationship with a BPDw . 10 months later,we had sex. Not since December had we been intimate. One excuse after another... Didn't care but now I do.

15. Her behavior has NPD items, with BPD qualities, without the promiscuous elements, and many histrionic flaws. See the movie "Mean Girls", she is Regina to the max, but without the looks. She is cute but acts like she is a 10' when she is far less in the physical appearance, but thinks she is unbelievably attractive. I believe in inner beauty. All is vanity with her and when we all die, all look the same, unless not all skeletons look the same.

So in a nutshell, I fell in love despite these warnings and she is fun, and has many great attributes, but since she dumped me and assume she will be back, what would you suggest I do, and can you give me affirmation to go non contact to,simply heal and move on. I dont want to go no contact to get her back if i decide to move on after I take your advice. I thank you for your advice.

Harvej

[igiveup]

Wow.  Your s/o sounds like my exbf in so many ways.  I'm going to have to discourage you from going back for more.  I only wish I'd listened to all the people who told me to get out.  My parents forbid this guy from entering their home because of the overbearing personality, lack of a social filter, bizarre behavior and righteous indignation.  My 23 y/o son pounded his fist on the kitchen counter saying "You are NOT getting back with him" during yet ANOTHER reconciliation.  My 20 y/o daughter CRIED when I told her I had gotten back.  And I never STOPPED to think about their concern for me, the example I was setting for my children, displaying my own lack of boundaries or my own welfare.  If it quacks like a duck, it's a duck.  I couldn't see it.  I only saw what I wanted HIM to be.  NOT what he was.  It's a sad and frustrating thing to want what you can't have, but somewhere along the way you have to stop hitting your head against the wall and see it for what it is.

[benny2]

Yes I would have to say get out also. You mentioned you had a relationship with a pwBPD? Do you see many of the same traits?  It seems that most of them do the same things. My kids also don't want me with him. I can't even tell them anymore when we are together. A good friend of mine asked me what do I see in him? I could'nt even answer that. I don't know what keeps me coming back. He does have a good side to him, but he is one that will never be there for me when I need him to be and I know there are others out there, so if I were you I would get out before it becomes even more difficult to leave.

[kahnighit]

I'm curious why you need to label what she "is".  Based on your post it seems you're keeping score and have already made a decision regarding what the best course of action is.  That's not an itemized list of reasons to stay.  It's the opposite. 

Personality disorder that can be fixed?  Well they can all be treated but the person with the disorder has to want to change.  You've described a pretty stubborn obstinate person.  Does she see anything wrong with the way she behaves?

Back to the labeling thing.  I think you're over complicating it.  Whatever she may be; the safe assumption is she is what she is and will continue to be so.  Likewise she's not going to change for you. She will only effectively change should she seek help on her own and of her own volition.  So, given that: what do you want to do?  You haven't given us any compelling argument that she is even remotely pleasant to be around.  If you don't like her why are you on the fence?

[hithere]

I'm curious why you need to label what she "is".  Based on your post it seems you're keeping score and have already made a decision regarding what the best course of action is.  That's not an itemized list of reasons to stay.  It's the opposite. 

Yes, I agree.  You list lots of reasons why you should not be with her.  Are you in therapy? Maybe it will help you figure out why you would want to stay with someone that seems so unlikeable.

[blecker]

So in a nutshell, I fell in love despite these warnings and she is fun, and has many great attributes, but since she dumped me and assume she will be back, what would you suggest I do, and can you give me affirmation to go non contact to,simply heal and move on. I dont want to go no contact to get her back if i decide to move on after I take your advice. I thank you for your advice.

Harvej

Sir, I wish to be kind so I will try to turn this around a bit.

If I gave you this inventory about someone I was interested in what would your response be to me? Would you suggest that in a world filled with 4 billion women that I stake my future on a person who should be spending every available resource trying to find a moment of sanity?

No contact is not a tool for getting someone to come back to you. Among other things it is a tool to help find perspective.

Try it.

[cheaptrick]

Thanks everybody. i know you are right and during counseling, my therapist stated that breaking teh bond of narcissistic is difficult, but today set me free. She stated that she cannot trust me and wants all my cell phone records, emails and social media text chant message history before she can continue with me. I told her to never contact me again. She is now begging. I will go NC. Thank you.