About ready to give up

[suchsadness]

Well Lever... . maybe you can respect her and it doesn't have to be a card, maybe just a short text saying "Thinking of you and wishing you a happy day."  I really believe they say these things to push us away and then can say we really don't care about them when we do what they tell us to do.  I think that by changing up our response to them it surprises them and they react different too.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[JustWantMyJoyBack]

Rapt Reader,

You have many valid points; however, dealing with the BPD on a regular basis, one must admit, is exhausting.

Those of us who are nonBPD have lives, jobs, life stresses, pressures and must maintain some sort of calm and peace.  As much as I agree with you in validating communication with the BPD... . life and the BPD situations/issues doesn't always lend itself to the time/effort it takes to keep the BPD relationship "in repair".

Both my husband & I have high pressured jobs.  Getting blind sided by my ddBPD only adds to the stress.  Believe me, I know when I'm communicating with my ddBPD, I know what to say and what not to say.  I empathize and use the SET techniques.  However, I am consciously and cognitively selecting every word and maintaining a demeanor of calm.  Nonetheless, internally processing the hurtful words and comments still has an effect.

For my own health, I must protect my boundaries.  My ddBPD has no clue how to communicate and be a part of a functional job or workplace. 

Lever & Suchsadness,  I can completely relate to your sadness and confusion.  The disorder is complicated and tough to live with as a parent.  My heart goes out to you both   

JustWantMyJoyBack 

[peaceplease]

suchsadness,

Your story sounds kinda like mine, but substitute daughter with husband for me.  My uBPDd, and my dh.  They both have addiction issues. My dh has an addiction to his vicodin that he gets from dr.  My uBPDd gets methadone for her opiate addiction, is on Adderall for her ADD, smokes pot on daily basis, and now I suspect that she is doing benzos.

My dd was nodding off tonight while she was here with my gs.  It is obvious that she did some type of benzo.  I am thinking that perhaps she traded her Adderall for benzo.  In fact, I hack into her email when I think something is up.  And, I found that a friend offered her that exact trade.

I am not going to get into the whole scenario that happened.  I took my dd home and my dh says that he feels sorry for me, and told me "that girl needs rehab".  He is the pot calling the kettle black.  the difference between the two of them is that my dh's addiction does not really bother me so much.  He is not walking around stoned.  He needs his vicodin to function, but he does  not appear to be high at all. 

I know that your BPDd is not an addict.  I just see the similarities as my dd and dh always have me in the middle.  I tell my dh that he does not get to comment  that my dd needs rehab, as he has a problem, himself.  And, he will tell me that I am defending my dd and I am overprotecting her.  Sheesh! My dh gets angry at the way my dd talks to me.  And, then, there is my dh wo says the dumbest things to dd.  Like the other night, he told her that people who lie go to hell.  That was just crazy!  I know he was referring to her lying about an appointment supposedly, and went out and got high instead.  He did not tell her that, but it was apparent that he was really angry with her.  He just says some dumb, dumb things.

suchsadness, I am sorry that you are feeling caught in the middle with all of this with your dd's.  You didn't do anything wrong. 

peacepelase

[suchsadness]

Hi Peaceplease,

It is so hard when you have one person recognizing another's faults but not facing their own problems - especially when you are right in the middle!  I do believe there is some degree of deflecting their own situation and making it seem like the other person is worse then them.  It seems like my dd's have always done this so that they can be the "good" one.

And - I'm not sure that it is entirely true that my BPD dd36 doesn't have her own addiction issues.  She was picked up for DUI a couple of years ago and went through an outpatient rehab session.  Since I don't live there and she surely doesn't share any details about her life with me, I can't say for sure that she doesn't have addiction problems herself.

I just got a text last night from my BPD dd saying "I need to hear your mistakes, until then, we are nothing."  She has now taken her anger about me talking to her sister and twisted it to make it about me and all the things that happened (from her perspective) in her childhood that made her this way.  This - after she wrote an email in October saying she forgives me and she is letting go of her anger.  I have a feeling that this will never end.

[jellibeans]

suchsadness

I think you are right about that... . it seems endless... . your dd feels she is owed somethng and she will just keep cycling over and over again. Is there a way to stop this cycle?

Have you tried the letter approach? I think when I wrote mine to my dd16 she was in RTC... . it made a big impact on her... . I really just focused on myself and how I wish I could have know what to do and what to say at times... . that I probably didn't always say the right things but hta I loved her and will keep trying to get better so we can have a relationship... . is there anything else that you can do?

[suchsadness]

I have given a lot of thought about "the letter"... . but my T is advising me not to do that as she feels my BPD dd is so dysregulated that she is going to take anything I say and use it against me - not as an "apology".  I'm very torn about whether to do it or not to do it.  I actually have an appointment for Wednesday to discuss this very thing with my T.  What I do know is that I can't continue to have this type of relationship with my dd where every time she disagrees with or is upset at me we end up back in the past... . and we continue this dysfunctional cycle.  Something has to change!  And I know that it has to start with me.  I have just started setting some boundaries like I have seen other people on this board do with the phone conversations and feel like I'm able to end the phone call when she starts to rage.  I have also tried using the SET and validation - but she doesn't even give me a chance to speak usually when on the phone - and if I text/email it she just rips my words apart... . we are not in a good place, but hoping things will be getting better soon.  Thanks for your input jellibeans   

[qcarolr]

I just got a text last night from my BPD dd saying "I need to hear your mistakes, until then, we are nothing."  She has now taken her anger about me talking to her sister and twisted it to make it about me and all the things that happened (from her perspective) in her childhood that made her this way.  This - after she wrote an email in October saying she forgives me and she is letting go of her anger.  I have a feeling that this will never end.

It has been a really hard thing for me to practice, yet ACCEPTANCE has been the greatest gift to myself. Radical Acceptance. It allows me to separate myself, at a very personal level, from the drama of my BPDDD27's life. She is still who she is. Avoiding any kind of treatment options. Knowing that she will end up back in jail or being 'on the run' in one way or another.

Accepting that I can continue to love her with my whole heart, and knowing that this has not effected a change in the direction of her life.

This also only works when I do not allow her in our home. The physical separation, for us, had to come first. Such a hard boundary to set up and enforce.

So much grieving I have done. That is part of my letting go process too. Acceptance seems to come after many other steps of grief have been walked through over and over.

Building a broader network of support for myself and the others in my family has also been an essential part of this 'better place' I find myself in recently. Part of this support has been in a new faith community that builds my spiritual self. This seems to be the glue that is holding all the other pieces together. I am finding more peace and comfort.

I pray for DD to find some peace and comfort. This is outside of my realm.

Hang on suchsadness. Keep nurturing yourself. The stronger you are, the more able you will become to discern the best path to loving both your girls while they figure out how to live their own lives without you being the referee in the middle.

qcr

[MammaMia]

qcr

Amen!

You are a very smart woman.  We cannot fix the unfixable, but we can protect ourselves by accepting what we cannot change.

There is strength in numbers, and many of us are in the same dark place with our BPD loved ones.

Peace and comfort to you.

[lever.]

That is so wise and helpful qcr.

[suchsadness]

Hang on suchsadness. Keep nurturing yourself. The stronger you are, the more able you will become to discern the best path to loving both your girls while they figure out how to live their own lives without you being the referee in the middle.

qcr

Thanks qcr... . the best path is definitely what I'm searching for!  I have been keeping up with your journey as well, and know that it has not been an easy one for you.  I have said many prayers for you, your family, and others on this board.  We all need to "keep on keepin on" as parents and know that we love our children and only want them to live the best lives they can.  AND realize that we do need to take care of ourselves along the way.  I have to say it is hard for me to stop thinking of my dd's, their children (my gc) and their struggles.  And I have started working hard at staying out of the middle.  Thanks again qcr... .

[jellibeans]

suchsadness

it is not a sprint but a marathon... . I try to keep that in mind when things are not good at my home. It always seems to be a few steps forward then a few back. That is the nature of the beast. Try to step back and keep things in perspective. I think radical acceptance has helps me too a great deal in dealing with my dd16. I hope you and your T have a good session... . as parents we can only change ourselves... . and hope that in turn that makes some impact upon our children. I tell myself daily that I am doing the best I can... . and I have to believe my dd is also trying the best she can as well. I firmly believe that if she could do better... . she would.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders