It's been forever since I've been here. My D cut herself

[almostvegan]

I hope everyone is well. It's been a really long time since I've been here. I haven't had the need. My d has been doing well and life has been stable. But Friday night it all fell apart. She had a major episode and turns out she had cut herself in may. Her abilify was reduced in April. Lately her mood has been less stable she's getting to the dark place a lot faster than she was before. My husband is on edge and miserable. I'm miserable. I'm feeling the weight of it all. It hasn't been this way in over a year. I feel so sad. I got complacent and thought maybe it was really over. What a fool I  for thinking we could ever have a normal life. I just want to go into a hole. I'm devistated that she cut again. It had been over a year! She claims she doesn't even know or remember why. Not that I believe that. My poor husband hates being home. Our younger daughter is going through stuff too and that compounds it. I just ask for a normal functioning family. Hy is that too much to expect? I'm so so sad.

Anyway I hope you are all well. I should never have stayed away this long.

Peace.

AV

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[qcarolr]

Oh it is so good to have those peaceful times, and does lull us into a place of thinking life will stay the same. Your D has been here before and got the help she needed to get better. She has the tools and courage to move to a better place again. Does she see a T? Do you know the reason the abilify was changed? Has she shared with her mental health team this cutting episode?.

Cutting is a strategy to cope with the internal pain. It is a good thing - and asking for help - that she was able to share this with you. What more positive tools have you all learned to cope with this - both for your D and for yourselves? What has worked before? Can you be understanding and validating about her feelings and try not to focus on the cutting episode too much? Do you have a support team for yourself and your dh? Counselor, friends, family that understand?

Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

qcr  

[cleanandsober]

I think mental health needs "on-going" maintenance.  Our 16 yr. old D has improved quite a bit over the past few years, but I still have her going to therapy.  She slips and cuts once in a while but the episodes are far and few in between.  I am a recovering alcoholic and have been sober for 21 years, but still go to my AA meetings.  I don't think we ever "graduate".  We have a saying in AA; "We are not saints", Progress, not perfection... .

[almostvegan]

Thank you for responding. In the interim my husband and I had two more fights. It's going to be a very long day and we are all together all day long.

My daughter does have a team. She went through a DBT program but never practiced so it was a waste. She only shared the incident with us because it was in the middle of her incident on Friday night. She never told us about it before. We've told a few people about her and what she is but we really don't have family support in the way that you'd think. My husband refuses to have a therapist for us. I won't go alone I don't see the point if he's not on board. We are living with her not being typical for so long. I wonder what a happy family is like.

The thought of being with everyone all day is so scary to me. I'm certainly to blame for the last fight we had. But owning it isn't enough. I wish I could turn back the clock I feel so bad I upset husband. He's in A bad enough place and I mAde it worse for him. He does t even want to talk to me.

[qcarolr]

As the woman in the family it is so easy to take all the responsibilities into my heart and feel like 'if only' --- and I could fix the outcomes for everyone. It has been a painful process to understand and accept and then to put into practice that the only person I can control is ME.

You sound like there is a lot of blame on your shoulders. Others will happily let you take it on too. It relieves them of having to take personal responsibility for their own stuff.

Whether your dh will go with you, please find that support for YOU. It is hard to believe, yet as I am able to make changes in how I think about things and how I respond, others adapt their behaviors too.

Thinking of you with the hard day you face.

qcr    

[Reality]

Dear almostvegan,

You have had a good year, all in all.

Keep steady, as you always do. 

I am thinking of you and your family.

Pulling for you all,

Reality

[almostvegan]

Qcr: I feel a lot of responsibility you're right. I don't work outside the home so I feel I need to contribute in other ways and that is largely being the steward of the family's mental health. My husband has become so negative about life. It's so hard to carry that burden.

I have a dear friend who's mother was BPD so she gets it but I hate to " dump" on her so often. I have to be honest: I'm not sure talking about things helps as much as it used to. I need a cure. As we all do.

Reality: thank you for your words of support. Yes, it was a good year. I worry: is that as good as it gets? Oh dear.

[jellibeans]

almost vegan

I just want to hug you... . at times I feel I have been just where you are right now. Please don't take all the responsibility ... . your family is made up of many people and you all play a part. Your H sounds a bit like mine... . depressed and not always on board with what needs to be done to help our dd15. You can only control your self and work on yourself so please get help... . take care of yourself. Get help without your H if necessary.

As far as your dd is concerned ... . I think it is easy to feel like things were going so well... . certainly after a year I might be putting my feet up and thinking I got this made but really Almostvegan... . don't focus on this one relapse in cutting... . look at how your dd was able to do well for the past year... . life is so like that... . two step forward and one back. There are always going to be set backs and although we are never prepared for them know that they are coming. But also know there will be good times too and it sound like your dd is really making improvements ... . don't be so hard on yourself... .  

[griz]

AV: I think about you often and wondering how things were going.  It sounds like your DD is having a set back which I think is common.  My DD has her setbacks and I find they can be quite overwhelming for me also.  Puts me in a very sad place.  You have to take care of yourself.  My dh does not go to therapy also, but I continue to go and it helps me to have a place to put "my stuff" and work things through.  I have found that there is a lot of truth to changing others behaviors by changing myself.

Do you think that your DD is feeling success and improvement.  Although it sounds great my DD had a hard time with this.  I remember her telling me once that she was almost afraid to get better because she identified so much with her cutting and her behaviors that she was scared she wouldn't know who she was if she didn't. Can you talk to her when things are calm and ask her about her feelings. 

Remember to be kind to yourself.  We all do the wrong thing, say the wrong thing sometimes.  We are human and you have so much on your plate.  I know the saddness that you feel when things become overwhelming.  It is not a good place to be but know that you will get through it.  You are a great mom and wife and you do so much but no matter how much we do we cannot fix EVERYTHING. 

Griz

[sunshineplease]

This dipping back into old behaviors sure stinks, doesn't it? I'm so sorry you and your husband have been thrown back into what feels like "the abyss"! We never lose hope, do we, that it's over, once and for all, and that we can enjoy what "everyone else" appears to have: A normal life. Mental illness is so frustrating and impossible.

A couple of things stood out to me in your posts. First, I think it's amazing you even know your daughter cut. My daughter tends to hide that kind of thing. Being open means asking for support, even if it's not a clear, logical request. Second, the fact that she went that long without cutting means she's discovered at least some effective coping techniques or lifestyle changes that have worked! Third, "not remembering" doesn't mean she lied. My daughter recently discovered -- it was a shock to her -- that she had "disassociated" a few times when she cut. It's not at all uncommon, and may have been a response to the depth of her pain or shame. I'm so glad your daughter is still in therapy, and that you all know enough about what's happened to give the therapist some concrete things to work with. Here's hoping noting the med change will be helpful in coming up with a new plan, too.

I believe any parents going through what you are would feel incredibly frustrated and sad and scared. What a roller coaster! I hope you two get the support you need to be able to be there for your daughter with validation and love.

[BioAdoptMom3]

  from a fellow mom who understands!  Our 13 y/o DD cuts herself as well and is also anorexic and bulimic.  She too was fine for several months - no episodes at all, then on the same weekend, for no apparent reason either, she cut herself again and threw up her food after dinner (she told a friend who notified me).  I too was devastated as was my husband!  Why did they cut her Abilify?  That is the drug which has made a tremendous difference for our DD too.  I think I would be on the phone to her psych asking to have it increased again unless of course it was causing some really bad side effects.  I think that is the first thing I would do and see if it helps.  I was also told to expect set backs from time to time because cutting and eating disorders are addictive just as alcohol and drugs are.  Just know we are here for you!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Being Mindful]

Almostvegan,

I'm glad you came back to share and so sorry to hear that things haven't been good lately. A few things that I want to add to the other great responses you received... .

I'm looking at this from another angle and that it is wonderful that your daughter had been stable for quite some time. Good for her and the rest of the family. Draw strength from the fact that stability can happen and it did happen. Draw strength from the fact that you all did it one time and can do it again in finding a healthier place for everyone.

Second, it is possible that your d was not aware of the cutting. I know it hurts you badly that she cut again, but it was one time. Good for her for going that long without it. Think of how hard that must have been. Try not to focus on one incident and instead focus on the positive.

Therapy helped me tremendously. I was the family caretaker and especially everything to do with our BPD.d. I became totally wiped out and sought help for myself. Then, my dh joined me. It was incredibly helpful as our therapist helped us to learn further skills together, especially boundaries. Therapy started with me. It was the best thing I did for me.

Take care. As always we are here for you.

Being Mindful

[mikmik]

AV,

I have been away too, not for a year, but just stay here, kind of on the edge of it all.  Your pain resonates with me.  It went well, maybe you "dared" to think it was going to be stable.  You deserve stability in your life, we all do.  And the hope combined with uncertainty can play with our emotions.  It is very tiring.  I am so sorry.  I think before you can move on, and be of help to your dd, you must fill yourself, and like our dear Reality often reminded us, do radical self care.

On another front, I have been doing some research on compounding vs traditional meds for my dd19.  I have spoken with the pharmacist at a company that has been written about, and has success with mood disorders, autism, etc.  They have a MD supervising, and pharma did warn, that the patients often begin feeling good again, and think they don't need the compounds.  He says the compounds don't make the depression go away, they stabilize and allow the patients to feel normal again.  The natural elements compounded for them balance them naturally.  This research came after an episode where my dd forgot to take her Effexor for a day and a half.  She was shaking, vomiting, felt like she was falling.  It was awful and took two days to get her to where she started to feel better.  I am thinking AV, that there is something wrong with having to take a med for depression, and another med to make the anti depression med to work better, and mood meds, and anti anxiety meds... .   Clearly our kids are bio chemically affected. In addition, they are very sensitive.   I wonder, if it might be worth investigation for you too.  Considering the abilify, and what other meds your dd is on.  Withdrawal is awful.  And their path to feeling better is so twisty turny.  You can email me if you like and I will give you the website.  I am not advocating this particular path for anyone, but it is just something I think worth investigating.  They use all natural substances, so withdrawal if they forget isn't the issue, they just start feeling bad again emotionally. Warning - My dd's psychiatrist and therapist are not on board with this.  We would do this behind their backs,  if we choose this option.

AV, I don't know why this is our path.  I don't know why this burden in particular challenges our strength and gets in our face daily.  We must be remarkable women (and men), because the ordinary person could not walk in our shoes for 24 hours.  Please take time and acknowledge how fabulous you are.

mikmik