Sticking to what I said - the heat is on at my house

[qcarolr]

DD got ride to town with us yesterday when we took gd bowling. Snow storm was predicted. She stayed out overnight.

Texted her this morning that I was not driving today, that if she wanted ride home her dad could pick her up on his way home. To call him by 3pm to get a ride. Said I hoped she was inside. Her reply was name of friend where she was at - one with an apartment. A couple hours later she texts asking what the bus schedule is - so I look it up and text back. Remind her if she is coming home, I am not driving today in the storm.

She gets the bus and keeps asking me for a ride from next town park n ride. I say, sorry I am not driving today. Neighbor across street was out, asked if he was going out in that direction - now he was walking to store and back. Texted DD that there was not a neighbor either, and I was not driving today. She contacts me several times - I give her same response. I have been sick and am not going out in weather today. Not going out to dig my car out of drifts to drive. I am not driving today.

THis is one of our 'safety plan' neighbors - so asked him if things got too hot when DD got home if gd could come over. He is off today - sure they can watch a movie. So when DD got home, gd left for the neighbor's.

DD got home within two hours - had her weatherproof coat and lots of layers on but wet cold feet. This was pretty good, faster than I expected. Tossed snowball at me as she walked in door, then went back out for another "for your face". I shut door and told her to not throw snow at me and she could come in. Gd is out front watching this all before she went to neighbors.

I am staying out of DD's way - in my home office. She has come up a couple times asking me to apologize. So I have said "I am sorry I could not get you today. I let you know with lots of warning I was not driving today".  Not sure what other thing I said - I accept that you are angry because I did not get you today - and she is leaving me alone now.

How am I keeping my calm today? Yesterday I was in a place internally where I wanted to move away - find a little apt. nearby and let them all figure out how to manage without my constant intervention. Shared this feeling with dh during day, and somehow he used his sense of humor to get me through that.

DD allowed her male friend to stay over night on Friday - the one I had asked to leave 4 times in past 7 days before the last bus. Dh said to just leave it on Friday and we would see if he was gone on Sat. morning. He was still here until we went to town in afternoon. I was steaming inside. What is the point of having a 'rule' if I cannot enforce it, and have dh's support in doing this in united way. At least "G" unloaded and put away the dishes yesterday. (he used to live in our home until DD pushed him beyond his tolerance and he hit her. Why he is back with her I do not fully understand - he was in jail for 6 months on assault, 3 years intensely supervised probatoin now, and there is still no contact order he is risking by being with her. He is a previous homeless friend - one that is actually working to get on with his life going to college... .    DD is so toxic for him. YIKES, what a mess)

So think I am recovering from week of being sick with virus, sinus infection and very beginning of pneumonia. Antibiotics are working and feel better today. Maybe this is contributing to my stubborn calm today with DD.

Gd is putting her stuff away, throwing her trash in can today, romping in the snow today - ie. we are connected today so this helps both of us feel more positive. Being able to make a plan with her ahead of time is part of this connection too. Not being angry back at her mom, just letting her mom be angry. Gd did not want to go out in storm in car today either!

This is a real ramble today - DD will get over this. I told her "you survived this. you are home. you are not frozen in a gutter somewhere" Her reply, my toes have not feeling. She will get over this anger. Not sure when, but it will get better again for her.

I am also frustrated with DD not doing her probation stuff. Don't know what her PO said to her last week when she checked in. I am making myself not ask her about it. I don't want her to go to jail for violation - she does not want to go to jail. Well, she just needs to do what is expected of her! So this frustration has added to my distance from her today so I could say no to her pleading for a ride.

Then she yells up the stairs - "Why didn't you do my laundry for me" She had piled all her bedding in the laundry before she left yesterday. "I do yours all the time, mom". Told her yes, sometimes she shifts a load for me, and I shift a load for her. Let it drop there. I was not going to spend my evening and all day today washing her bedding. Besides it is full of who knows what - DD has had several bad MRSA skin infections, one only a couple weeks ago. I do not need exposed to her bedding. Thankfully all my laundry is done for a few days and I can stay out of the basement bathroom/laundry.

Another thing that has come to me today. God has promised to take care of me and carry my worries when I am able to give them to Him. Watching gd romp in the snow with the doggies today this came to mind, and smile came to soften the worry lines on my face, peace in my heart.

This was doing the best I could for DD today. Even if she holds onto this and throws it back at me over and over. I got to choose how I spent my day. I resisted allowing DD to have power over me - slip me into a victim/rescuer role - today. So just keep on keeping on.

Wonder how gd will tell this story to dh tonight. Kind of hope DD is sleeping or hibernating when he gets home.

Thanks for listening. Not even going to proof read this today - just push the POST and move on.

qcr  

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[peaceplease]

qcr,

.  Great!   I know when I don't feel good, that I am not so calm.  I really admire you for sticking to your boundaries.   Sorry about G being back.  Did he leave yet?

I am in that place internally where I want to move away, lately.

Oops, myy dh just came home.  Now, I have to get dinner ready.  Just wanted to admire you for keeping it together, especially when you are sick.

 

peaceplease

[pessim-optimist]

Oh, qcr, that's tough!   

But it is so encouraging to hear how well you are handling it! 

There have been so many of us sick, but sounds like you're getting over it, yey!

Don't know if you have a similar experience, but I find it interesting that when my body breaks down and gets sick and I have to rest, often times there's a spiritual part to it too - usually I can slow down enough to listen to God and to what He is trying to say.

Sounds like there was a word of encouragement in store for you from Him... .  May His peace increase in your heart as you "keep on keeping on".

And THANK YOU for all your encouraging posts on this board, so full of useful info!   

[qcarolr]

1. "G" left with dd yesterday and did not return with her today. he is actually living with his parents in next town as part of his probation. he has some kind of curfew too - don't know how that worked out yesterday unless it is a weekday curfew. I choose not to ask.

2. the scent of pot waifed up my heat register this afternoon - went down and told DD to at least open her window and turn on the fan cause I was sick and it was killing me - unless that was her intent. Heard a faint 'mom' as I went back upstairs. Finished what I was posting here then went down to find DD sweeping the kitchen. Somehow I managed to keep my mouth from actually falling open in amazement. it has been, well, since 10 years since she did this without being asked. She said that was the last of the pot and we had a nice chat about the conflicts of pot in our state where it is now legal, and she is on probation forbiding her smoking. This is her anti-anxiety med. It does work for her when she manages the level of use with fewer side effects than the rx meds.

So life is keeping on, yet again. She was able to get a little emotional and say how fearful she if of 'dying alone'. And did not even yell at me when i asked her what she meant by this - dying absolutely with no one, or dying without a bf?  Was able to say I love her always as her dad and daughter do. She will never be 'absolutely with no one'.

And yes, making my way back to my sprirtual center a little over a year ago has so helped me internalize so many of the lessons I have learned here and in other places the past few years. Able to find a 'wisemind' place more often.

I was just having a conversation with a friend about how hard it was to hear "take care of youself' when I first came here in 2009. This was also when i started at Al Anon - and could not take in their similar message either. Kept focusing on how the problem was in DD, not me. As long as I focused on DD and her beliefs (or lack of my beliefs), her behaviors (or my lack of seeing my own behavoirs), her dysregulated emotions (or lack of awarenes of my own dysregulation) -- I made little real progress in my connections with DD. And that was what I needed and wanted - a healthy connection with DD. It took too darn long to figure this out and how to make the changes in me for my attitude to make a difference. Still working it, but so much better than ever before in our lives together.

qcr  

[qcarolr]

Another reminder from God: it is about relationships not about stuff. It is about connections more than about behaviors. So hard to know this, esp. in our Western culture so focused on individuality and prosperity that is used to define us. So much harder for those struggling stuck in their emotions and lack of internal identity.

qcr

[qcarolr]

DD is texting me from her bedroom in basement. Validation is often hard for me to see, even when I am doing it. Just want to share what feels like validating conversation to me.

DD:  I love u all and am sorry im so disapointing.

Me: [after I share text with dh] I agree with dh "she ain't disappointing to me"... .  We love u and hate it when u r in distress and we can't "fix" it.

DD: Thank u


qcr  

[pessim-optimist]

qcr, that is GREAT!  - your last posts.

Just thought about what you said earlier, about your dd being fearful of dying alone. You know, when I was very little and first found out about dying, I was really terrified. I realized that when we die, we have to do it totally on our own - meaning being totally alone. My parents did not believe in God, so the notion that we are in His hands was not there to comfort me. And for a little child, the image of absolute aloneness going into the unknown was beyond terrifying.

So, I thought, if pwBPD are emotionally like little children, and have a fear of abandonment, and are afraid to be alone - what worse scenario than dying is there? (that does not explain the suicidal tendencies, but I suspect that is another issue of just impulsively trying to escape what is in the moment and not thinking things through)

Obviously, I am just speculating here, but wanted to share about that feeling of fear dying alone, that reminded me of my childhood.

Also, I am wondering how pwBPD are processing the idea of God being with us and us not being alone. Wonder if it is of any help to them or not... .  

[vivekananda]

qcr... .  how about this? I feel a bit jealous    You are able to withstand the storms and your dd has come so far.

yeah but it's not that easy either is it... .  

What I read here is heartwarming in its sadness. Not only is your story helpful for us all, to know the ups and downs and the gradual improvements within a whole situation that doesn't look so good, but your writing of it reveals the progress you have personally made too. I don't mean the things you have said, but how you are telling us these days, your tone (body language too if I could see it, I am sure  ), your style of writing, what you include and what you exclude that we know is there too: all this shows the person that you have become/are becoming. And it's so good to know     

I am so glad you have this chance with your dd and overall the improvements have been immense, haven't they? And the whole house is more peaceful too.

thanking you and Cheers,

Vivek    

[qcarolr]

Vivek  and pessim-optimist - I so appreciate you comments and hugs. Dd has told me several times she has not taken her life because the fears about dying outweigh her need to escape the pain (not in those exact words - this is my interpretation of what she has said). She often claims to not believe in God - often in a very loud and disrepectful way. In quieter moments, esp. when gd7 is asking if her mom believes in God she is more hesitant - 'sometimes' is the answer. My guess - she feels abandoned by God too. How can He love her and allow the terrible suffering in her daily life. I believe yet aske this question too - for myself and for DD. And so many great philosophers and theologians have asked this question through the ages. Guess that is what faith is about - believing when it is not rational or logical with a reasoning mind. Need my heart, body mind connected to feel this spiritual connection by whatever name is given.

qcr  

[lbjnltx]

Dear qcarol,

Thinking of you and lifting you and your family up for comfort.

It is so difficult to reconcile the ongoing pain we live in with our Loving God.  The ultimate use of any pain is to draw us closer to Him, to seek Him above all things, when we are closest to Him we are comforted and the pain lessens.  Lessens... .  lessons.

 

lbj

[qcarolr]

At times like this, I can remember God's promises and find some peace. Being mindful in the present moment has helped me stay strong, and choose to stay connected with my family. "God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes" Mat 6:34 (MSG). I read this every morning and at night sometimes too.

I was in my full on moving out mode Saturday after "G" was still there. Quiet, respectful to everyone in the family - mostly quiet. My mind was busy plannig my escape all day. Dh was great about listening and validating the needs that were driving this. The positive of this seems to be a new assertiveness in standing up to EVERYONE that I have a right to take care of my needs and stop expecting them to take care of my needs. I was able to calmly allow DD to walk/bus her way home through a mild blizzard with tennis shoes on. I knew she would make, I knew she would be really angry, I had faith that she could get past the anger. All these things came about. And gd had a great day in her new snow clothes, that she has now grown into, with the dogs and kids next door and by herself. And she stayed dry and warm!

So it was a good day after all. And then I sat at my computer in the peaceful quiet after everyone else was in bed to finish a big project I was working on for the other parents board (raising kids with a BPD parent).

Sunshine today, renewed confidence in my heart - mind - body - spirit.

qcr  

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Thursday]

qcarolr-

 

The exchange you had with your DD via text is bittersweet. Your giving spirit is so... .  

gigantic.

Thursday

[qcarolr]

Today - haul everyone to mental health center for our bi-monthly triple play of appts. - gd with T, gd with her pdoc, DD with her pdoc. And DD comes in with gd and I for the beginning of T. Then we wait for med refills and go home.

Except today DD was wanting to visit her old bf after our appts. - let's see that would be ex-ex-exbf who she fought it out with before she came back home in 2011 - and take the doggie that started out her puppyhood living homeless with them. Poor doggie - she is an anxious one and I knew this would not work out how DD imagines. But dropped her and doggie off at park with promise to come a pick them up when DD called. Expected it to be a couple of hours.

Get the call about 1/2 hour after get home - so back to town to bring them home. There is DD and doggie waiting at gas station - but exbf has just now shown up so she wants to stay OR BRING HIM HOME TO HANG OUT! Nope - call dh to confirm - Nope. So I drive home with doggies and no DD. Kind of doubt to see her til tomorrow - gave her money for the bus.

Earlier today, ex-exbf"G" was at our house hanging out - he had his mother's car - making DD truffles. YIKES.

DD is getting herself enmeshed in another triangle in her drive to not be alone. I really think that is it - she just cannot tolerate the boredom or lonliness for more than a day.

Then she is bringing up this 'job offer' she got. It is training to be an independent knife salesperson. I offered that this would be good triaining for her, but she needs a partner with a car as I am not going into business with her. And she has not actually done the online training yet to be followed by a couple days face to face training. I don't know if she really understands what this job is all about. I don't want to be the 'dream-buster' on this one. Trying to keep my distance other than as a ride to the interview last week.

Mood wise - things are going OK. Well, she is quite distracted by the guys right now. Who knows what tomorrow will bring.

Gd is in a great mood tonight - she actually talked to the pdoc directly today (instead of asking me to speak for her) and took half the time alone with T (she usually needs me to stay in room). I see this a great progress for her. Some changes in her school room and at home to relieve anxiety plus the meds (Intuniv) are working will I think. She is a little more drowsy sometimes and has a daily headache - pdoc talked with ged about keeping hydrated at school as this helps headache. She needs to drink at least half her water bottle during day and bring it home to show me.

Going to go play a littel wii bowling. Get some sleep. Home day tomorrow with dh while gd at school. Need to find something special to do together - maybe besides the hardware store date!

qcr  

[Thursday]

oohhh- I   the hardware store date!

thursd

[qcarolr]

At least we went out for breakfast before the shopping today. I am a lucky woman to have this loving, persistent hubby in my life.

He is an awesome grandpa too!

qcr