Need help before DD comes home again

[qcarolr]

DD is gone with friends. Dh doesn't want to  rock the boat by contacting her before she returns about her abusive behaviors the past couple weeks, including before she left yesterday. She is so hateful to dh and I, with gd present. Then gd talks back to any of us and DD is being hypercritical to gd. What has raised the level of her need to "be the parent" with gd? Every time she walks into the room there is some criticism of gd and then of me in how I am handling whatever the situation is.

I do not want her to come home at all. Most likely she will call tomorrow wanting to be picked up at bus stop - it snowed 10 inches overnight. If I choose to not pick her up, she will walk home wet and cold and things will be abusive as she walks in the door. This was the case last time it snowed - I was sick - I told her way ahead that I was not getting the car out in the snow... .  I know she is inside somewhere in town as she did go prepared to be staying outside. I want to text her that we need to talk before she comes home again. I wish I had the money to just rent her a long-term motel room for a month. But that is only asking for more trouble - not getting her to solve her own problems at all. That is what I want - to let her solve her own problems or get outside help with this.

What do I say if she will call me?

I keep writing things down, but they are all the same as have not worked before. I need some feedback on this. Here is what I have so far:

DD, I feel sad and frustrated that you are feeling so stressed. Some of the stressful things you have shared include your fear about going to jail and how hard it is for you to go to your probation classes and treatment appointments. It must feel so hard to stop smoking pot so that you can go in for the UA's.

The other big stress is wanting to be living independently. Getting your SSI and a job.

I have done all that I know to give you support around both of these stressful areas. As you feel more stressed out things have gotten really bad at the house. We each have work to do to stop the yelling, name calling and generally abusive treatment of each other. We have to make a plan to get along before you come home again.

I see you smiling and laughing with your friends when I drop you off in town. Is there a way you can find someone to share an apartment with? You would have your food stamps to contribute. Maybe we could substitute some other financial help we give you to pay a small amount toward a weekly rent - $25 a week we could squeeze out of our budget.

Your lawyer sent a form that your T has to fill out for your SSI appeal. We can drop this off next week when we pick up your meds. Are you willing to ask about their job counseling program? There are posters in the waiting room about this. Maybe we can do this while gd is at her sleepover with her friends next week.

-----------------

I can hear Dd screaming back at me at any point in this dialogue. If she had email, I would send her one. She seems unable to manage email - I do think this is a real part of her NVLD. Just like keeping track of multiple appointments. Keeping track of what day of the week it is. She needs a life coach - and I am done with that being me. She just won't accept my resignation - I have offered it up to her a few times the past few days. This just turns the volume up - I know -- abadonment feelings.

Gonna go play with gd and dh for a bit. All feedback is welcome.

qcr  

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[somuchlove]

YOu are so in my thoughts.  I wish I had some words of wisdom as you have provided for me.  You are such a good person and so knowledgeable.  I know you will find the words and get through this.  Concerns about grandchildren sure do complicate things.  All I can say is if you can take a step back and think of what you would tell the rest of us to do, that might help.  Sometimes it is just to close for us to see. 

 

[jellibeans]

dear qcaroir

I wish I knew what magic word to say... .  but i lack that kind of magic... .  

hmmm... .  have you tried not saying anything unless asked? that is an interesting approach I think... .  I know you are fearful of her return... .  what will she do or say when she walks in the door? Can you anticipate that? Can you remain so neutral that she has nothing to explode about?

I read a lot of your comments and they seems to want her to do or behave in a certain way... .  can you give that up? Can you hold your tongue and just keep asking question like " how will you accomplish that?" or " I hope you are successful with that" maybe being neutral is the key? I really don't know but I feel there is probably a pattern here that happens every time she walks in the door... .  I hear the dread in your words... .  here is a challenge for you... .  try to react or not react to whatever she says... .  is that crazy to suggest? I really don't know but something has to change... .  right? we can't keep repeating the same behaviors and hoping for a different outcome... .  I wish you luck... .  I so know what it is like to be trapped in that BPD circle... .  repeating the same things over and over and hoping for a different response... .  

It seems we are always trying to either stop our children from doing something or trying to get them to do something... .  it is exhausting... .  I send you a hug and hope things go well... .    

[JKN77]

qcarolr, I am sorry for what you are going through. I understand wanting to talk with her and have her finally understand. I was so mad at my son the other day when he took my truck without permission, he lied and lied about it. Wouldn’t even admit when his brother told me he did. However, the next day when I drove him to work I didn’t say anything about it. What I did say is how proud I was of him for acknowledging that he is struggling with this and agreeing to try therapy again. It settled things for a bit.

I also see that your dd is trying to get on SSI or SSDI. Not sure how it is where you live but there is a waiting list here to get into low income housing. Can you get her on the list now and when she gets approved from SS maybe her apartment will come through, but at least you will get a head start on it.

I understand you not wanting her to come home, like I said in another post, my h and I are thinking of buying a house so the rent will be cheaper for our BPD son and his older brother. I keep thinking, why are we even thinking of this, where did the days go that people forged their own way in life?

As for when she comes home. I know it is hard but maybe you can try not to say anything. Or just say things like “I am glad you had a good time”, “I understand you are upset about having to walk home in the snow and I am sorry I could not come get you, would you like some hot cocoa?”.

My heart goes out to you……

[swampped]

Oh, qcarol, I have had you on my mind since reading about all the snow in your part of the world.  And now this!  No wisdom from my part of the country, but I did hear a good quote at our AlAnon meeting this morning---apropos of our discussion topic "Live and Let Live".  Namely, "If you don't get off his/her back, you are destined to go where he/she takes you".  It hit me between the eyes---thinking about where we could have ended up when ds was homeless, spending nights in a shelter and days wandering around after we stopped forking out money for the motel room.  It didn't last nearly as long as your dd's stint on the streets, but he survived, and we did not go down with him.  So in that sense we lived; and we let him live.   I really think you are fragile right now, dear qcarol, and in danger of going down with your dd, if you do not take care.  Your dh and gd and dd all need you!  I agree that not saying anything by text or phone at this point might be the best thing---pray that she is out of the weather, remember that she is a survivor, and get some sleep yourself on this snowy night.  I wish I could join with the others here and wrap you in a warm blanket and make some hot cocoa for you.  Please LIVE!        Swampped

PS  The readings on Live and Let Live from ODAT and Courage to Change are awesome.

[pattyt]

qcr,

I think you touched on a lot of things in your letter to your dd.  It sounds like you understand what is driving her stress.  I'll bet she also knows what is causing the stress, and maybe can even see that she is reacting badly to it.

I think I remember reading here that less said is better with our darlings.

In this case, trying to cover so many things at once might be counterproductive. 

Perhaps you could focus on the main thing, which is the effect her stress, and her reaction to that stress, is having on you and the family.

Suggestion:

It must be so hard to bear up under the many stressful things in your life lately.  I feel sad you are going through such a rough spell and I want to continue to help you as best I can.  Keeping a calm home is important at a time like this.  I feel that we need to talk about how we can accomplish this before you return home.

Then, when she does call you to pick her up you can get her alone someplace where you can discuss just that.  You could add the other points as you feel the timing is right.  Much better to have the face-to-face feedback to feel your way through the conversation.  Rather than start off on difficult things she doesn't want to think about like jail, probation classes and treatment appointments, you could bring up the SSI appeal and job counseling.  These are things she desires.

I hope this helps.  Your posts are always filled with such wisdom, and I am so grateful you share what you have learned here.  I know you feel you are bogging down lately - maybe so long tired catching up with you - and you are in such a precarious position, balanced between the dd and the gd.  You will find strength to keep going.  You've come so far already!   

[pessim-optimist]

Suggestion:

It must be so hard to bear up under the many stressful things in your life lately.  I feel sad you are going through such a rough spell and I want to continue to help you as best I can.  Keeping a calm home is important at a time like this.  I feel that we need to talk about how we can accomplish this before you return home.

qcr,

what a situation!      

I like pattyt's suggestions.

What does your husband think of it? Are you on the same page?

You need a peaceful home for yourself and your husband, and your first responsibility is to your gd.

Your dd needs you, your help and a place to live... .  She was homeless before and she most likely doesn't want to repeat that experience.

Might it be time to set a protective boundary of her being welcome to stay as long as she can refrain from yelling, name-calling etc. (whatever your other important rules might be, that are being broken at this point)?

[Thursday]

dear qcarolr,

Cycles are, well... .  cyclical. Your dd has been acting better for awhile now, but again she cycles downward, maybe because she hasn't done that hard part yet, the WORK of understanding herself and working on MASTERY of SELF. Without the work and the mastery you are feeling RESPONSIBLE for her current state.

We all know you can't make her act any differently. You've had success with the work YOU have done and you've portrayed a better way but it's still going down like water in a drain.

What your DD needs she doesn't like very much and when presenting what needs to happen she doesn't like you very much either. Oh, how that must hurt. I'm so sorry that your valiant and true efforts don't have the affect you were expecting. That is the problem with expectations... .  so much disappointment rides on those expectations.

My S/O and I have very little affect on SD. Her thinking is so twisted. We are lucky though, because she is involved in AA she has other voices speaking to her... .  so we don't have the burden of all of this on ourselves. However, even though she has others to go to, she still doesn't listen. She doesn't learn from her mistakes. She still hears what she wants to hear and ignores the rest. She doesn't live fully in the reality of her situation. She accepts/believes that she is pitiful and incapable and when people pity her and enable her it doesn't drive her to do more for herself. It keeps her trapped in a place where she equates a hand-out with love and caring. When the enabler gets sick of enabling or has enough of the never-ending aspect of it and stops because they figure out it isn't "helping" her... .  she paints them black. And so on. And so forth.

I can't change any of it.

All we can do is maintain my boundaries. Right now, S/O is wavering in his decision to not give her money due to an injury that has him needing a bit of help. He doesn't want me to have to do EVERYTHING and he has been asking SD to help with a few things but he also offers her money to do these things, more money than she needs for gas, he is paying her for her time too. And I'm all,

"whaaaaaaaat? WHATTTTTT?"

I wish I could "let him be", not make things unpleasant for him... .  in other words, It would be so much easier to just let him enable. But the truth is, he can ask his DD to help him without enabling her... .  

My focus needs to stay on him. This is where I can make a difference. I need my efforts to matter! So I remind him... .  you are not holding firm to your boundaries.

He is pretty amazing in his ability to really get things now and then. Just the other day, he spoke to SD's grandmother. SD lives with GM and GM has boundaries about SD not coming in late. A few months ago when we spoke to GM about the living arrangement, GM claimed she was going to set the house alarm when she went to bed and if SD came home late she would either set off the alarm OR she would see it was on and sleep elsewhere. And guess what? She hasn't ever done this. She has complained to SD about coming in late but she allows it by not sticking to her boundaries. Looking at this from the outside it seems clear... .  so why can't she stick to her boundaries? Too hard. She hasn't figured out yet that her boundaries are the only effective tool she has in her toolbox.

But my S/O was able to look at the situation and say to me,

"GM has made her own bed (allowing SD to live with her when we would not) and now she is going to have to sleep with things going on in her house that she doesn't like, or lock the door."

When we shy away from too hard we had better get real that worse things are to come. SD's behavior is like a bacterial infection... .  we have to keep taking the antibiotics until there are no more left in the bottle.

I read this in your personal information as per your personal paradigm... .  

Being able to stand up for my values that extend to the family rules (responsiblities earn privileges) has helped so much. Lots of practicing many new skills has led to this ability. .

Lots of practice. STAND UP for your values. You've got this!

Also want to quote this, Q,

Keeping my focus on GD7 living in a healthy environment helps keep me on track with LETTING GO

It is possible, no... .  likely, that your DD will continue on with these cycles on an ongoing basis. She has been taking tiny little tastes of mastery but she hasn't really done much hard work. If she doesn't do the work on herself, what then? More of the same, sadly.

And your GD is watching and picking up these cruddy behaviors and toying with the attitudes that she sees her mother getting away with. And she is beginning to inflict them on you.

If things are going to  get better in your home, it's up to you and your DH. This is not really "advice", it's what you already know.

All I can really offer you is what I've learned in my case. SD is either going to grow up and work on her issues or she isn't. I sure hope she does. We have done every single thing we can and still do. If she doesn't, I need to make sure I am doing what I can to keep her from dragging us down with her. There is ZERO value in SD complying with our rules when she doesn't understand what the rules are and why they are there and by this I mean ZERO value to her. There is much value in the people in her life having boundaries because without them she will NEVER run up against anything that causes her to self-reflect, to seek out help, to desire change.

I wish our boundaries were a soft blanket for her to run into. They are not. They are a brick wall. The ONLY thing that works in this realm is for her to keep testing and to see these boundaries aren't going anywhere, aren't going to magically change. The soft blanket only smothers.

Keep your values on a bright pink notecard, in your purse with those other cue cards that you use to help you deal with your DD. If you find yourself looking in your purse for help, read the pink card first.

Q- many hugs, much support. I believe in you. We all believe in you here.

Thursday

[griz]

qcr:  I really like patty suggestion about a general or all encompassing statement.  Maybe you could ask her to make a list of things that she feels she could use help with and then try to work on them slowly.  You could ask her what is most important to her and let her know that with her help you could try to assist her in finding what she needs.

Boundaries... .  ugggghhhh.  They are so hard for me.  I have kept to a few but I find myself caving in when I just am worn out and need peace.  I keep reminding myself that in the long run this is not good.

So important that your DH is on board also.  My dh is pretty good but I have to constantly remind him to hold a boundary and not take the easy way out.

Please keep us posted on how it is going.   

Griz

[whiletheseasonspass]

What do I say if she will call me?

Oh Dear qcarol,

I do know how you feel.     

EXAMPLE:  I feel like the past two weeks have been the most harrowing yet thus far and I can't even begin to word what has taken place- too much PTSD.  Yet I could say that about other "windows" of incidents.  Some have actually been more harrowing that the past two weeks but as we move along - we are just too burnt out so the harrowing stuff seems to wear on us more easily.

You and I have such extreme situations.  I admire your strength.  I used to be way stronger.  But as I say even a the hugest boulder can be worn down by the endless pounding of the waves.  It is not just because we are human and we can only take so much.  But it is the way life is- ENDLESS POUNDING SURF- BOULDER GETS WORN DOWN.  You are NOT flawed nor am I.  Just worn down.  

I see how much you have done as a mother and a grandmother since you have joined this board. Endless. Endless devotion.  You are a wonderful person, a devoted mother, a devoted grandmother and a giving wife.  But it seems that your desire for devotion- although you love your dd very much- you are tired and it is okay to let your desire to devote take rests sometimes.

(as I say this to you I think I am speaking to myself as well   )

What do you say if she calls?  I wish I had an answer for you.  I never know what I am going to say next to my dd.

That is because I never know what to expect each time.  I kind of know- but not really.  Not really.  

Perhaps just take it one step at at time without the fear of what will follow one hour later or one day later. i.e. without thinking about what about about the next time... .  what about after this and  up the road- maybe also without what about tomorrow.  

 Like in Al Anon- One Day at a Time.  How about one incident at at time?  I will practice this too now that I am saying it to you.  I sometimes forget to remember- I sometimes forget to understand that this all is unlikely to turn around anytime soon.  

The first stop of Al Anon as you know- is to admit we are POWERLESS.  

The Serenity Prayer:  So what CAN we control?  Maybe just believing that we can handle only one incident at a time... .  without looking forward or back.

Also If you have the book- COURAGE TO CHANGE- if you have a chance read page 345.  It is Dec 10th.  It might help "just for today".

 

wtsp

[Reality]

Musings... .  

Boundaries... .  just really a spoken, mainly lived space of our own reality... .  music enlarges the psychic space... .  key might be the answer to the question of how to be in one's own space... .  psychically rather than physically, maybe... .  

I hear yearnings to run away, really yearnings to find one's own space, psychically... .  

I am an adamant believer in the need to change one's physical space, even for a day or so... .  run away to a hotel for a night... .  

Enabling... .  Really a space in which the spoken, lived is that the other is not capable, in some ways, a huge shouting that the other is too broken, too unable to live... .  physically really... .  

Two sides... .  the community is not there for highly-sensitive people with bad luck in the form of trauma, bullying, the availability of drugs... .  yet that is the reality of this world... .  one has to re-make one's perspective... .  almost a true step of faith that reality will not destroy one's whole self.

On some level, these pwBPD do not want to step out of the world of illusions... .  

Sounds simplistic, but the acting-out is a thirst for real community... .  lbj's daughter's healing in a real community, qcaroir's daughter's need to connect to her street community... .  Thursday's sd's AA community... .  the nuclear family cannot suffice the need of a complex person for multi-faceted viewpoints and life-seeings... .  

Is this the need for confidence, good old-fashioned self-confidence?   Yes, you have f... .  Big-time, but press on... .  today is a new day... .  we live in a word full of creativity... .  these pwBPD need to stop the game... .  the problem is that they become stuck in their own game rules

Five days before going, my son placed his head on my womb.  When I queried as to why, he replied, " I am just trying to get back to the place where I started, to try again and see if I can get it right this time."   He wasn't crying, depressed, just stating where he was and realizing he had somehow not understood life and the rules of physical living.  His imagination had created a life, in which he was trying to exist, but it hadn't worked.  In effect, he had lost touch with reality, in a philosophical way.  Not to be blamed, his great mind led him to a place lovely for a book, but not helpful as a life.

These pwBPD are royal pains, not because they mean to be.  They are stuck in their own illusions.  

The real problem is not a moral issue at all.  It is physical.  The creator is just that, a maker of physical reality, not a religious fantasy.  Love your neighbor as yourself.  It is assumed that we are in our own psychic space, full of as much wonder as the world, the physical world, itself.

My son said that if he had lived in the times when people were farmers, he would have been fine.  He needed to be working in the fields, not living in the postmodern world.

Is it as simple and non-judgmental as worn-out parents inadvertently feeding the illusions?

Ramblings... .  

Reality

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[whiletheseasonspass]

Is it as simple and non-judgmental as worn-out parents inadvertently feeding the illusions?

Reality,

I think you are so brilliant.  I love your abstract thinking.  Your musings... .  

I think what you said above has merit. In some of our cases- they are at war with us to feed their illusion.  My dd is for sure.  Her partner is too.  Folie au deux- illusion of two.  Her partner feeds dd's illusions.  It keeps him "fed".  

But are we as parents not only worn out- but also fighting against our own illusions? The illusion being that this will turn around if only we found the key?  THIS MUST TURN AROUND OR WE AS PARENTS CANNOT SURVIVE?   Is there a mutual feeding of illusions?

 

wtsp

[somuchlove]

Oh you are so right.  I live in that illusion all the time.  It is a burden that is very difficult to let go of and to carry.  No matter what everyone says parents hang on to this.  I refer it to looking out in the pond, watching my child floundering, going under and everyone on the side hold me back saying you can't jump in and save her.  Yet I feel I am the only one that can swim to get her.


 

[Reality]

Yes, whiletheseasomspass,

The pwBPD already has the key.  They just don't know it.

As soon as a parent thinks he/she has the key, the pwBPD is going to snatch it back in whatever way possible.

Given that we are all such darling parents, the snatch will be ferocious. 

PwBPD don't know where the key is, but they sure know we don't have it, no matter how much they love us or we love them.

They love the love, who doesn't?  But the love they love is preventing them from forging their own path to the key.  So there is a dance.

Reality

[whiletheseasonspass]

Reality, I think you have it right on!  I agree that my dd- the pwBPD does have the key but she doesn't know it.  I was having a pretend conversation with dd in my head just this a.m. saying to dd that the answers to her health lay within her.  Just like Dorothy had what she needed all the time in those ruby slippers to get "home" to Kansas.   But Dorothy didn't know she had it all along- the "key".  

[Reality]

yes, and after the magical world of Oz that didn't really exist anyway, nothing like the old farm in Kansas... .

the red shoes got her home... . she had to take them from the evil witch... . travel on her own in a very scary dark world... . help others along the way... . a community of scared souls traveling together... . therapeutic community of a  lost frightened lion, a scarecrow without a brain, and a tinsman whose body wouldn't work... . all of them with BPD, as they couldn't function... . they had given up hope... . just needed old-fashioned self-confidence... . someone who saw them differently... . pwBPD can change and when they do, it is fast... . need community though... .

Reality

[qcarolr]

WOW - so much experience and wisdom shared here. I cannot even begin to respond to everything I want to quote with the time I have to squeeze for this today.

wtsp: AL Anon "Courage to Change",  pg 345 Today's reminder, "I will remember that knowing my boundaries does not mean forcing others to change; it means that I know my own limits and take care of myself by respecting them. The focus, today, is on me."

Musings... .  

The real problem is not a moral issue at all.  It is physical.  The creator is just that, a maker of physical reality, not a religious fantasy.  Love your neighbor as yourself.  It is assumed that we are in our own psychic space, full of as much wonder as the world, the physical world, itself.

My son said that if he had lived in the times when people were farmers, he would have been fine.  He needed to be working in the fields, not living in the postmodern world.

Is it as simple and non-judgmental as worn-out parents inadvertently feeding the illusions?

Ramblings... .  

Reality

yes, and after the magical world of Oz that didn't really exist anyway, nothing like the old farm in Kansas... .

the red shoes got her home... . she had to take them from the evil witch... . travel on her own in a very scary dark world... . help others along the way... . a community of scared souls traveling together... . therapeutic community of a  lost frightened lion, a scarecrow without a brain, and a tinsman whose body wouldn't work... . all of them with BPD, as they couldn't function... . they had given up hope... . just needed old-fashioned self-confidence... . someone who saw them differently... . pwBPD can change and when they do, it is fast... . need community though... .

Reality

yes, and after the magical world of Oz that didn't really exist anyway, nothing like the old farm in Kansas... .

the red shoes got her home... . she had to take them from the evil witch... . travel on her own in a very scary dark world... . help others along the way... . a community of scared souls traveling together... . therapeutic community of a  lost frightened lion, a scarecrow without a brain, and a tinsman whose body wouldn't work... . all of them with BPD, as they couldn't function... . they had given up hope... . just needed old-fashioned self-confidence... . someone who saw them differently... . pwBPD can change and when they do, it is fast... . need community though... .

Reality

This so fits for so many of us. It is so hard to fit into the world today and nearly impossible for anyone with a physical neuro system imbalance. And that is the core of all PD's to me. We can't 'fix' this - only try to manage our relationships. r/s to our pwbod, and pwBPD r/s to themselves. ie. letting go of any expectations that we can initiate change in others. And finding ways to help my DD create a supportive community for herself. It is there - she has to find it within herself to see it and accept the help it offers.

I have done so well in the past year practiing all this. Struggling to figure out what has changed in past couple months. Feel so far out of balance. There is a physical cause that has triggered this. I think it is a big increase in my HRT (estrogen therapy) to heal thining tissues in my body. My hair is growing back, I have healed a lot of inflamation in various places in my body, and my emotions are roller-coastering. Do have a pdoc appt. next week to address this part.

Dh came downstairs late last night while I was doing dishes - cleaning my house always calms me. House doesn't talk back - physical labor to unclutter physical space helps clear my mental space. It is a meditation experience for me. He was able to get me to understand that I have been hypercirtical with everyone the past few weeks. I have been in a meltdown state - talking fast, loud, demanding, judgemental... .  I was able to take this in last night. He was so kind and compassionate - he validated me

He also was able to calmly share with me his concerns for our life. That DD was taking us down, and had been for many years. We have to find a way to stop before we all crash at the bottom of the cliff we are hanging on. He sees this as her not living in our home, yet not being homeless. He shared of other families he knows, or has known, that provide a place to live for their grown kids - or at least help with this. We do not want to rent from someone else - we need to own. And it needs to allow the two big dogs to go with DD. Dh wants a new little schnauzer.  We have had 7 over the years, losing 3 to cars, 2 ill-bred pups I gave away, 2 that lived into old age. Two of these were lost in the last couple years. He wants a safe home for gd and for us and for our neighborhood.

We do not know where the funds will come from - we are totally loaned out and still going backwards a little each month. And we would have to be prepared to accept the property not being cared for by DD and the friends that would be living with her there. Gotta give this one up for guidance from God - my higher power. Have to keep faith if this is the path, then opportunity will be provided. God has spoken this promise to me: I will take care of you, you will be provided for, give up your worries to me. Not in a human voice, but just a clearly. So hard to do - I hold tight to my pattern of worrying.

I did not share all this spirit part with dh - but we have had good connections about our faith. We are such different, yet kindred, spirits.

So after this talk, I sat down and re-wrote what I want to say to DD. It is an apology letter of sorts. I may need to share it with her in little pieces depending on how she responds to each step of it.

I sent this text today (have not heard from her since dropped her in town Friday afternoon):

"I am sorry I have been so negative. I can see that my thinking has been distorted for several weeks. CAn u call me later today so we can talk. luv, mom."

DD has been telling me in our arguing over past two weeks that I have distorted thinking. She got this language from either her drug/alcohol class or her drug/alcohol treatment session 2 weeks ago. She left the worksheets in the kitchen. I was so denying this accusation. Yet, dh has helped me see that it is true. My actions at home with him and gd have been just as critical as when dd is home.

So this could be a giant trigger for her. To see me with gd in ways that were traumatic for her when she was school age. Gd seems to have some resilience - we can talk it through later and work on coping with the emotions together. This never happened with DD - she never was able to share her feelings with me - she has told me in connected moments that she could not find the words. Her NVLD (non verbal learning disorder).

Here is what I wrote to bring up with her as able:

I am beginning to realize how irritable I have been with gd and dh too. I have an appt. to check my meds and counseling to work on this. I am sorry for the extra stress this may have caused you.

I get that you are under a lot of stress from your probation requirements and the fear of going to jail, finding friends that can support you in doing you probation, and your desire to be independent.

I feel overwhelmed too. I am frustrated by my limits with how I can support your efforts in all this. I see that you are trying hard to make things work. Are there some new ways I can help you?

Your lawyer sent a form to be completed by your mental health provider. We need to go together so you can sign the release and drop off the form. We can do this on Tuesday when we pick up your meds. while gd is at her T appt.

There is a big poster in the waiting area at mental health center about a job counseling program. Are you willing to ask about that?

We can stop at Y on Monday to register for your membership (I just heard last week we were approved for a 65% discount). Than we can go do yoga together as you have been asking. We can go after gd's spring break is over next week.

I need to ask my T to work with my on my values and boundaries. To write them down. To invite dh to come with me to work out how to engage in them in our home. They are not just for DD, they are for all of us. I have been focusing with myself and gd on 'acting in ways that make out family better." If I can stay calm, gd will be able to get her stars and checks on the calendar again. She gets to choose the weekly reward at $.50 per point. This doesn't work when DD is here not giving  - just taking.

So much work to do. I am praying for guidance, strength and courage to know what to do in each moment of each day. It is all here in the physical body, down deep in my DNA, that God has given to me. Finding balance will bring me peace - body<>emotion<>spirit<>mind - working in an infinite loop.

Thanks so very very much for listening and sharing and being direct in your responses.

qcr  

[pessim-optimist]

Wow! qcr,

that is awesome! 

You have done so much work on yourself! Looks like you have a good plan.

Don't forget to take care of yourself: to relax and refuel.      

PessiO

[griz]

I had an interesting experience that I think might fit in here.  DD has been needy for so long.  Her life completely revolved around the support of me, dh and her bf.  She has made some new friends at school over the past few months and is fully enjoying having friends, something she hasn't had for a very long time.  This weekend DD's friend asked a few of the friends to stay over night.  They were going to watch movies and just hang out, get food and etc. I thought this sounded great until last night I hadn't heard from her all day and I began to worry.  Not that there was anything to worry about but I have been so used to her being so needy that my own thoughts are somewhat distorted now.  Her bf was feeling the same way and kept texting me to ask me if I had heard from her.  Did I think she was mad at him because she hardly had been texting him.  I told him not to worry, that DD was finally feeling a bit of independence and she probably finds our concern a little suffocating right now.  We have to learn to let her grow on her own a little and give her some room.  As I was telling him this I realized that I somewhat need to heed my own advice.  I find it terribly hard to seperate myself from DD.  For the past 2 years my life has been all about her to the point that I don't even know how to seperate myself.

I need to work on myself.  On allowing myself to have a life that supports her but also allows myself to support me.  I can be there when she needs my help but I have also lost myself over the past few years.  My constant hysteria over DD may be  holding her back also.  I need to let go a little for both of us.  It's not easy but I will try.

Griz

[qcarolr]

griz - I can so understand the 'constant hysteria' experience.   

I have been reading some of my own posts from today. KInd of like giving myself a pep talk! It all makes sense when DD is gone from the house a couple days. Then she is back, is the same angry self, I am the same angry self --- yikes. It is so hard to really change how I do things, think things, feel things.

So maybe dh and I are getting more on the same page. I really need to pay attention to gd - she does not want her mom here yelling. She does not yet have as many filters as I do. I need to pay attention to her.

qcr