Al Anon

[Our abuse recovery guide]

A member in my process therapy group recommended that I attend an Al Anon meeting due to my step-father being a raging, abusive alcoholic. This member is in AA, so she could not give me info into exactly how Al Anon works, and I was wondering if anyone here has ever attended & could give me any insight?

My anxiety is flaring up at the thought of walking into a meeting, the unknown. Some of the questions I have are:

-My step-father has not been in my life for 16 years, would Al Anon still potentially be beneficial?

-Do I have to speak?

-Do I register, or just show up? I emailed the contact for my local group, but have not heard back. The AA member told me to just show up.

-And do's/don'ts I should be aware of?

-How closely does it follow AA? Do you receive a sponsor? If so, what does a sponsor do?

[Irish1477]

A member in my process therapy group recommended that I attend an Al Anon meeting due to my step-father being a raging, abusive alcoholic. This member is in AA, so she could not give me info into exactly how Al Anon works, and I was wondering if anyone here has ever attended & could give me any insight?

My anxiety is flaring up at the thought of walking into a meeting, the unknown. Some of the questions I have are:

-My step-father has not been in my life for 16 years, would Al Anon still potentially be beneficial?

-Do I have to speak?

-Do I register, or just show up? I emailed the contact for my local group, but have not heard back. The AA member told me to just show up.

-And do's/don'ts I should be aware of?

-How closely does it follow AA? Do you receive a sponsor? If so, what does a sponsor do?

[Notwendy]

I've attended 12 step groups but not alanon specifically. I think they all follow a similar 12 step format- and can be effective but sometimes one type "fits" better than another one. Also it depends on what groups are available near you and if you have a choice. I'd go to the one that is most convenient if there isn't a choice.

I think the groups are effective because alcoholism affects an entire family and each family member adopts the behavior patterns of the family growing up. These patterns were essential for survival in the family but can be dysfunctional in our adult relationships and many of us have ended up in dysfunctional relationships. They help because they aren't about the other person, but about us- to help us gain insight and learn functional ways to interact with the people in our lives.

Alcoholic family patterns are also remarkably similar to families with a disordered person such as BPD.

I have found that ACA- Adult Children of Alcoholics fits me the best but if the only group near me was alanon, I'd go to that one. Also each group has it's own culture and if you are able to, sometimes attending more than one group to find your fit is possible. There are also members who attend more than one group as these can overlap. Some adult children have had to manage alcoholism themselves or are married to someone who is.

So, yes, it is intimidating to walk into a group of people- but we've all been there and I think you will find the group to be very understanding. In the beginning, people introduce themselves by first name, but after that, you don't have to speak ( at least not in the groups I attend). I think it's best to have a sponsor but you aren't generally assigned one. People may want to go to groups a few times and often they will ask a member who seems experienced to be their sponsor. But you can just attend and check it out first.

You don't register or sign up. There is a voluntary phone # list but you don't have to be on it. It's OK to attend and listen,  but to get the most out of it, I think people need a sponsor, but it's fine to just come, listen, and check it out. The only request is confidentiality- don't share who is there or what is said ( personal information).

What kind of people are there? All kinds- from people who are struggling to make ends meet to very successful people. From people who seem to have it all together to those who do not. It's an individual path. Religious people and atheists ( who adapt the "higher power" concept to their own views ). It might take a while to get used to being in the group,  but I have found the work is worth it.

[HappyChappy]

Do you think it may help you understand your Dad’s behaviour had nothing to do with how you behaved ? I'm sure  you know this, but  some drunks are sweethearts when on the waggon. Here’s one famous example:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KotJf0D5hJc

I would trust your instincts on this. Maybe bring someone along for moral support, maybe don’t go.  Just don’t bring the ginger lady with you.

[Irish1477]

I have found that ACA- Adult Children of Alcoholics fits me the best but if the only group near me was alanon, I'd go to that one. Also each group has it's own culture and if you are able to, sometimes attending more than one group to find your fit is possible. There are also members who attend more than one group as these can overlap.

This sounds exactly like what I am looking for, thank you! I live in a large city, so fortunately I have access to many meetings.

I do not currently have alcoholics in my life, and do not struggle with alcohol personally. But, when my husband of 18 years, who has never shown any aggression towards me, drinks a beer in the middle of the day on a day off I tense up, and get upset. Smelling beer on his breath is an immediate trigger, all while knowing I have no reason to fear him. I know much of it is C-PTSD, and I am working with a trauma therapist, but there is more there if the mere sight of a beer is setting me off.

[Irish1477]

I'm sure  you know this, but  some drunks are sweethearts when on the waggon.

Oh, well aware of that!  

I would trust your instincts on this. Maybe bring someone along for moral support, maybe don’t go.  Just don’t bring the ginger lady with you.

Hey, that ginger lady got me through my childhood, and has had my back through the drama. But, agreeably, she does not handle non-trauma type situations the best. I've always affectionately referred to it as my 'blanket of anger', that was able to put on as a layer of protection.

Interestingly, finding myself in a position of no longer being able to access that blanket when I needed its protection is what led me to therapy.