Contacted after 3 months... confusing

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Well, I have read alot of posts about how exes have recontacted after a period of NC, and I was reading them thinking "Theres no way that's going to happen" after the way it all ended... . but low and behold... . here I am quite caught off guard and now a little confused about the whole thing... .

My exBPDgf sent me a text last week, completely out of the blue, and straight to the point asking if her work had put unreasonable demands on her and she thought that it may have been the cause of the anxiety and anger and extra strain on our relationship etc. etc... .

I sat on it for a while, tried to look at it from as many different angles so that I was sure that I wasn't overthinking it or reading into it the wrong way... . and decided to just reply honestly to which I agreed that that was definitely a contributing factor but there were others also but may have been normal relationship stuff that every couple goes through, etc.

To which i got a "thankyou for being honest, i'm having trouble at work, i appreciate your opinion" and then it stopped... . for about 3 hours anyway... .

I got the next message "Sorry that my work has put all this strain on our relationship, i often wonder what it would have been like if I didn't take this job, i've been diagnosed with anxiety and on anti-depressants etc etc" and continued to that effect... . I lost it, and yes I am going to be honest here, I literally broke down in tears sitting at my desk at work as I read it... . I got an apology!, and not only that but she seemed to have a self realisation of something that I was getting my head ripped off for suggesting that there might be a problem and blaming me completely for... . I don't really know how to explain it, but it felt like a few hundred kilos got lifted off my shoulders... . has anyone else expierenced that or something like that?

Now, in the spirit of NC I am sure that I should have left it there... . but the out of the blue and sudden information caught me really off guard... . I replied... . basically saying... . "so all the anger and frustration and feelings were largely a situation of your work, and us not understanding what was going on, yet we are now in the situation we are in... . but now there is a diagnosis for some of the causes... . where does that put You and I?"

I don't really know why i asked that looking back other than a moment of weakness and the resurfacing of so many feelings all at once, but all the subsequent texts were very vague and undecided or blunt and straight to the point "oh i've got so much of my own stuff to sort out, ive been dealing with that and i havent thought much about You and I" and "I don't know, i've been thinking about it too but im not sure" and when I suggested maybe catching up for a friendly coffee to talk about it because I cared "Yeah, maybe in a few weeks, we'll see how things go"... .

While I don't think it was a recycle attempt as such, it was definitely some sort of reach out and see whats happening situation, she very well could have left it or asked one of her friends about it... . I don't know, but now that she has said that she is wondering about it, not even meaning to, its got me processing the "What Ifs" and wondering if there is hope, even though I have little confidence that their is... .

Did she do this just to feel better about herself or something? I don't know, I was talking to a friend explaining what happened and she suggested that it was just like a temporary fix for her to feel better about herself or make sure i'm still hanging on to some sort of hope or something, I would like to think that that is not the case, but who knows, it's so confusing... .

I look back at all the messages back and forward, and not once was there as "How are you doing?" a "How are you coping with all of this" or really anything to do with me, it was all about her, her problems and how there is all this stuff she has to deal with and is going through... . and I didn't realise it until just this afternoon that that is what the whole conversation ended up like... . and that really annoys me... .

So i'm back to NC, maybe she will contact me for a coffee in a few weeks, maybe she wont, I wont push it any further and contact her about it, I have put way too much into this already and a helluva lot of effort trying to keep it when it was going bad, and if she cant see that an want that then its her loss... . I was doing okay and coping alright until all this crap, now i feel like i've taken a few steps back, feeling like i want to contact her again and find out what she's thinking about us and all that, but I wont. Not this time.

Sorry for the massively long rant but it really "grinds my gears" in the words of Peter Griffin :P

Has anyone else had a similar sort of experience with getting an apology out of the blue but nothing come of it or did something work out for you?

[oricle]

Well, I have read alot of posts about how exes have recontacted after a period of NC, and I was reading them thinking "Theres no way that's going to happen" after the way it all ended... . but low and behold... . here I am quite caught off guard and now a little confused about the whole thing... .

My exBPDgf sent me a text last week, completely out of the blue, and straight to the point asking if her work had put unreasonable demands on her and she thought that it may have been the cause of the anxiety and anger and extra strain on our relationship etc. etc... .

I sat on it for a while, tried to look at it from as many different angles so that I was sure that I wasn't overthinking it or reading into it the wrong way... . and decided to just reply honestly to which I agreed that that was definitely a contributing factor but there were others also but may have been normal relationship stuff that every couple goes through, etc.

To which i got a "thankyou for being honest, i'm having trouble at work, i appreciate your opinion" and then it stopped... . for about 3 hours anyway... .

I got the next message "Sorry that my work has put all this strain on our relationship, i often wonder what it would have been like if I didn't take this job, i've been diagnosed with anxiety and on anti-depressants etc etc" and continued to that effect... . I lost it, and yes I am going to be honest here, I literally broke down in tears sitting at my desk at work as I read it... . I got an apology!, and not only that but she seemed to have a self realisation of something that I was getting my head ripped off for suggesting that there might be a problem and blaming me completely for... . I don't really know how to explain it, but it felt like a few hundred kilos got lifted off my shoulders... . has anyone else expierenced that or something like that?

Now, in the spirit of NC I am sure that I should have left it there... . but the out of the blue and sudden information caught me really off guard... . I replied... . basically saying... . "so all the anger and frustration and feelings were largely a situation of your work, and us not understanding what was going on, yet we are now in the situation we are in... . but now there is a diagnosis for some of the causes... . where does that put You and I?"

I don't really know why i asked that looking back other than a moment of weakness and the resurfacing of so many feelings all at once, but all the subsequent texts were very vague and undecided or blunt and straight to the point "oh i've got so much of my own stuff to sort out, ive been dealing with that and i havent thought much about You and I" and "I don't know, i've been thinking about it too but im not sure" and when I suggested maybe catching up for a friendly coffee to talk about it because I cared "Yeah, maybe in a few weeks, we'll see how things go"... .

While I don't think it was a recycle attempt as such, it was definitely some sort of reach out and see whats happening situation, she very well could have left it or asked one of her friends about it... . I don't know, but now that she has said that she is wondering about it, not even meaning to, its got me processing the "What Ifs" and wondering if there is hope, even though I have little confidence that their is... .

Did she do this just to feel better about herself or something? I don't know, I was talking to a friend explaining what happened and she suggested that it was just like a temporary fix for her to feel better about herself or make sure i'm still hanging on to some sort of hope or something, I would like to think that that is not the case, but who knows, it's so confusing... .

I look back at all the messages back and forward, and not once was there as "How are you doing?" a "How are you coping with all of this" or really anything to do with me, it was all about her, her problems and how there is all this stuff she has to deal with and is going through... . and I didn't realise it until just this afternoon that that is what the whole conversation ended up like... . and that really annoys me... .

So i'm back to NC, maybe she will contact me for a coffee in a few weeks, maybe she wont, I wont push it any further and contact her about it, I have put way too much into this already and a helluva lot of effort trying to keep it when it was going bad, and if she cant see that an want that then its her loss... . I was doing okay and coping alright until all this crap, now i feel like i've taken a few steps back, feeling like i want to contact her again and find out what she's thinking about us and all that, but I wont. Not this time.

Sorry for the massively long rant but it really "grinds my gears" in the words of Peter Griffin :P

Has anyone else had a similar sort of experience with getting an apology out of the blue but nothing come of it or did something work out for you?

[Tordesillas]

I have never received an apology like this since I broke up with her... . but I would get them often when we were together.  They always seemed to be about her and there was always more to it than just an apology.  I would advise being wary.

[patientandclear]

Many of us have had post-breakup communication from our exes which expresses a half-hearted regret or uncertainty or that they miss us or some other sort of quasi-validation which prompts us to have hope.

What's interesting about the pattern is that if we don't take that bait & provide what they seem to be looking for -- confirmation that we still want them -- they are not satisfied and may continue.  But if we do put it all out there -- you initiate anything that smacks of you wanting to reunite in a real relationship -- there is this immediate, vague, "I don't know, maybe later, I don't know what I want, I'm working on me, I just need to be alone" type response.  Yes, it is a very, very common pattern.  They want you to validate and affirm them and that's it.

When there appears to be a theme of self-criticism -- "I handled this poorly, I think I have problems" -- that seems to be mostly bait when they feel you are probably justifiably angry with them, not a genuine signal that they are going to work on those issues and thus make themselves capable of engaging in a real r/s with us.

There are deep reasons why this is so -- they are enormously sensitive to criticism, engulfment fears make them very suspicious of anyone who tries to get into their ___ (appropriately so BTW), the barriers to intimacy that come with BPD are incredibly scary to look at and very hard to resolve, they have projection and denial mechanisms that are very powerful & exist to protect the way they've dealt with life "successfully" all this time -- it's not like they are just casually choosing not to really deal with this stuff.  To do otherwise would be really hard.

But the pretense that they might is very seductive and no, it is not at all unusual to have them offer that and then back way way up if you appear willing to reunite.

[Rose Tiger]

The apologies I've received from ex were on par with someone blocking the aisle at the grocery store.  Oh sorry, let me move my cart.  About the same amount of emotion.    They have no clue how their actions affect others and that is what makes them so dangerous to a person with weak boundaries.  Some people it is safe to be emotionally open with your feelings, pwBPD are very unsafe to share your deep feelings with them.

It doesn't matter to them what you say, good, bad or indifferent.  It's best to either be boring or not respond.  Protect your heart and your precious feelings.  No fun to see those stomped on.