We are moving out

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

So, I told him I wanted a divorce 6 weeks ago.  I gave him a date I wanted him to move out by…August 2nd came and went and we are still living together.  It’s horrible for me and for the kids.  Thursday last week I confronted him; said if he wasn’t going to move out, then we would.  Friday we went and looked at 4 houses in our school district and picked our favorite and we are moving out on the 21st.  As I expected, this triggered him big time and what was bad before has gotten worse.  I’m guessing it will only get worse as the date get nearer and I start packing up the house.  We had a huge blow up last night.  I’m guessing its all stemming from him losing control over me.  This whole thing has caused my health to take a huge downturn.  Has anyone else gone through that as well?

My family means well, but have given me a lot of grief about the fact that I’m moving out and he isn’t.  They have my best interest at heart, but really have no idea how bad its gotten.  My job for today is to try and get my girls into therapy.  Money is a big issue at the moment, so I’ve been waiting until we can sell the house and get the equity out of it.  Last night showed me I can’t wait.  My husband and I were screaming at each other.  They weren’t in the room, but they were in the house.  As a rule, I try to just ignore him when he’s being such an asshole, but he kicked my dog and I completely lost it.  I obviously need therapy too, I guess I thought after things calm down and we aren’t living together, then I could focus on my own mental health.

[B2]

So, I told him I wanted a divorce 6 weeks ago.  I gave him a date I wanted him to move out by…August 2nd came and went and we are still living together.  It’s horrible for me and for the kids.  Thursday last week I confronted him; said if he wasn’t going to move out, then we would.  Friday we went and looked at 4 houses in our school district and picked our favorite and we are moving out on the 21st.  As I expected, this triggered him big time and what was bad before has gotten worse.  I’m guessing it will only get worse as the date get nearer and I start packing up the house.  We had a huge blow up last night.  I’m guessing its all stemming from him losing control over me.  This whole thing has caused my health to take a huge downturn.  Has anyone else gone through that as well?

My family means well, but have given me a lot of grief about the fact that I’m moving out and he isn’t.  They have my best interest at heart, but really have no idea how bad its gotten.  My job for today is to try and get my girls into therapy.  Money is a big issue at the moment, so I’ve been waiting until we can sell the house and get the equity out of it.  Last night showed me I can’t wait.  My husband and I were screaming at each other.  They weren’t in the room, but they were in the house.  As a rule, I try to just ignore him when he’s being such an asshole, but he kicked my dog and I completely lost it.  I obviously need therapy too, I guess I thought after things calm down and we aren’t living together, then I could focus on my own mental health.

[kells76]

That's really hard. I get it that it would've been better, probably, if he could have moved out.

You tried that route, saw it was not effective, and made a different choice that was under your control.

I think that's wise. You aren't spending more time hoping and wishing that he will do something. That isn't under your control.

You recognize that the kids are exposed to conflict that you don't want them exposed to. You see that whether either of you are "justified" or not in yelling and screaming, you do NOT want the kids around that. Waiting for him to move out didn't work to lower the conflict. So you're moving on to the next option you have to turn the conflict down.

I think you're right that after you guys establish separate living spaces, the immediate, high-temperature, "in front of the kids" conflicts will probably lessen, just due to the inherent nature of living apart. That will probably get you some breathing room to get your feet under you and get you and the kids in counseling. Smart to think about that.

I wonder if part of your question now is -- how do you make it through the next 9 days?

[ForeverDad]

The start of separation and/or divorce are known to often be times of sudden conflict.  Be prepared to call emergency services.  Do not be afraid to record as appropriate.  It is not just to prove you're not instigating an incident, it's also to prove the other's poor behaviors once the emergency services personnel arrive and the other denies doing anything wrong.

Have you already consulted lawyers and chosen one?  Have they told you whether your state allows you to file for divorce and request the other to move out?  I ask because even if you intend to sell the old house, what if he refuses to move out or refuses to sign documents needed for the sale?  Also, during divorce court is there to help by (eventually) ordering the old home to be sold.

My job for today is to try and get my girls into therapy.

Very good.  My lawyer told me, Court loves counseling.  If it comes down to one parent resisting counseling for the children, court will likely order that counseling proceed.

[BlueDogCPD1]

I am going through this now.  I move'd out of a lovely new home.  Now I'm in my mom's basement and I'm so happy I'm here.  It's still tough and I'm sad; but I'm with people who love me and I'm safe.  My husband was never violent with me but he was verbally and emotionally abusive.  I felt 99.5% safe living with him; but that's not 100% so it wasn't safe.  Being in a home that's not safe is abusive.  I know kicking the dog wasn't the only thing he did to you that day.  He was pushing your buttons and pushing your buttons to the extreme of physically abusing your dog.  Yelling at him for being cruel is a normal response.

You're leaving means you're strong because you're putting your health and your daughters' health first.  I don't think we should separate mental health from our physical health, it's connected.

Get a lawyer.  I concur with everything ForeverDad said.   Try communicating with him via text so it's documented.  Setting dates is great.  Be Spock when you talk to him.  What I mean by this is, be logical and remove emotion when interacting with him.  He wants some emotion from you and he'll take anger.  My husband said to me I know you love me because you're so anger at me.  That's not love, it's unhealthy.  Living in an abusive relationship made me question my own intuition and I lost some self-confidence.  I know I made the right decision by leaving but the consequences are I can't re-enter the home I pay a mortgage for.  My husband is dragging the divorce out.  Being in a healthy place is what I needed to endure this process.  The book "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Evans was helpful. 

[B2]

Thank you. I’ll check out that book. 

I’m so sick of the entire situation.  I have one more week in this house and we need to discuss who is getting what, but I know it will trigger him.  Even knowing we are getting a divorce, I’m still tip toeing around him. 

If I had somewhere to go, I would have packed my girls up and left the other night.  Initially, I was afraid he would destroy the house and we would not get as much money for it, but really, I’m beyond caring at this point.  It has helped me to know there is an end date.  We have one more week here.  I’m afraid it will get ugly once I start putting stuff in boxes, but there’s no avoiding that. 

He has been trying to drag this process out too.  It continues to amaze me how similar our stories are on this website.  He tried to get me to agree that we wouldn’t be able to sell our house until April of next year.  It makes me wonder if even now, he’s thinking we will end up together again.