Just hit 3 months No Contact

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

So it has been just over 3 months NC, and thankfully it has been complete radio silence from my ex gf.  I just wanted to give everyone an update on how I am doing.

I was concerned last week was going to be rough and possibly lead to her contacting me, becuase it was the anniversay of some very important and positives things (positive things were a rairity) in our relationship.  The week went by easier than I thought, although a bit more difficult than the week before, and thankfully I did not hear from her. 

  I am at a point where I am seriously questioning why I put with her abusive and threats for so long, and I am talking to a therapist about it.  I am going out socially quite a bit, and making new friends.  I have been causally dating.

  I would say overall, my recorvery is going slowly... .but I feel like the trajectory is up.  A part still hopes that she will reach out to me, but I know that I am strong enough that I will never reach out to her and I hope if she does reach out to me, I will be strong enough to ignore it.  After breaking up a dozen times in 14 months, I think I had enough.  I am hopefully by month 4, I will feel even better. 

[lawman79]

So it has been just over 3 months NC, and thankfully it has been complete radio silence from my ex gf.  I just wanted to give everyone an update on how I am doing.

I was concerned last week was going to be rough and possibly lead to her contacting me, becuase it was the anniversay of some very important and positives things (positive things were a rairity) in our relationship.  The week went by easier than I thought, although a bit more difficult than the week before, and thankfully I did not hear from her. 

  I am at a point where I am seriously questioning why I put with her abusive and threats for so long, and I am talking to a therapist about it.  I am going out socially quite a bit, and making new friends.  I have been causally dating.

  I would say overall, my recorvery is going slowly... .but I feel like the trajectory is up.  A part still hopes that she will reach out to me, but I know that I am strong enough that I will never reach out to her and I hope if she does reach out to me, I will be strong enough to ignore it.  After breaking up a dozen times in 14 months, I think I had enough.  I am hopefully by month 4, I will feel even better. 

[Mike-X]

  Taking it slow sounds good.

[Inside]

That’s the kind of post I like to read around here, lawman79.  Thanks for the update, and well done!  Boy - a dozen breakups in 14 months  ... .you beat my score of 7 in two years. 

I wonder if you experienced what I had, in that each time you reconnected, there was less trust and closeness between you ... .until you finally realized there was nothing left worth saving?  But, rather than ponder that painful past, do continue to concentrate on your future. 

Mine had reached out to me, as she must live in constant guilt.  Though proud of myself for not taking the bait, it was too little too late.  After pouring my heart out to someone, only to receive the silent treatment… no more.  Looking back, all but two of our break-ups had been initiated by her, and the last, with me literally walking out, made it ‘my decision,’ and much easier to stay away.

Anyway, healing is not easy, and takes time … so thanks for returning to share your progress and process - perfect

[lawman79]

The break ups were interesting.  Only 3 lasted for more than 3 days... .I did teh breaking up on the longer ones (in response to some truly vile behavior on her part) she did the shorter ones.  Most of the time she would beg for a day or two than disappear.  Stupidly during the longer ones, after a period I begged her back and she made me grovel.  Things were also worse after each break up.  She would always immediatelt sleep with other guys too... .say yeah there was no trust. So after her last melt down three months I ago... .I said enough.

I don't think she will ever reach out to me.  She expects me to grovel and come back, which won't happen this time.  Also my therapist says she has strong narcassict tendencies.  Those folks are usally too proud to come back.  I guess time will tell.

[4Years5Months]

My ex broke up with me seven times.  The first four were only for a few days or a week.  I think she was testing the waters to see if I would beg for her to take me back (I did).  The fifth one I didn't, but remained in contact with her and even hung out, but with no romance.  She went back to school a month later and slept with the first guy to hit on her.  I was crushed as I had been her only boyfriend and sexual partner up to that point.  She knew what to do after we recycled, and the next two breakups, she had a replacement less than a month later.  She learned.

[Inside]

Mine once described how she ‘kept score’ as to which of her last bf’s left first (for the last time).  And how she’d be devastated if she were the one who was left - and ‘that’s why’ she always tries to leave first.  Classic BPD, hungh?  

I view our r/s as before I discovered the BPD, and after, about a year for each.  Prior to my realizing what was happening, I likely initiated most of the makeups… she loved that   Afterwards, I let them ride ... .in which she’d eventually contact me… and must have hated that  The time inbetween went from 3 weeks to 3 months…  The pattern seemed to be, whenever she had some group (hippie) outing coming up that she didn’t want me around, she’d stage a blowup.  Back home and bored, she hunt me down - literally, she’s definitely a stocker!

I’d had a ‘normal woman’ who’d scoop me up after the BP blow-offs.  Problem was, I was stuck on the damn BP … and after twice going back to her… blew it with the normal gf.

What has kept my BP away the longest is whenever she’d contact me - I'd remind her of how much money she still owed me.  After a ‘formal letter’ to let me know she had no intention of paying me, and to ‘cease & desist’ from contacting her(!) … 3 weeks later I get a text from her asking ‘how I’m doing?’  I didn’t respond … though an F-U seemed in order... .

It’s scary now often I’ll read nons around here ‘hoping’ their BPex contacts them…  Personally, after years of pain, I sincerely hope never to see, hear or read anything from my mistake again.