I go through periods of dysfunction

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

It's been 3 years since I first separated from my BPD/ NPD ex. There has been 3 years of courts, violence, police, emotional abuse, 5 fake DV's and a plethora of other stresses. Finally divorced 2 months ago.

It's been a long time since I just felt 'normal'. I go through periods when I feel disconnected from myself, from reality and during these periods I feel shame, anxiety, pain, and generally can't achieve much. It may last a day or a few days.

Ironically I didn't have these periods during my 14 year marriage  but I do remember having them growing up with my dysfunctional FOO.

I wasn't aware of it then, but I am now. Being with or interacting with my FOO or ex wife generally brings them on.

I am at the awareness stage and wonder what I can do to shorten the effect of these periods or eliminate them entirely. Is it some kind of PHD? Does anyone relate? Have any advice?

[Moselle]

It's been 3 years since I first separated from my BPD/ NPD ex. There has been 3 years of courts, violence, police, emotional abuse, 5 fake DV's and a plethora of other stresses. Finally divorced 2 months ago.

It's been a long time since I just felt 'normal'. I go through periods when I feel disconnected from myself, from reality and during these periods I feel shame, anxiety, pain, and generally can't achieve much. It may last a day or a few days.

Ironically I didn't have these periods during my 14 year marriage  but I do remember having them growing up with my dysfunctional FOO.

I wasn't aware of it then, but I am now. Being with or interacting with my FOO or ex wife generally brings them on.

I am at the awareness stage and wonder what I can do to shorten the effect of these periods or eliminate them entirely. Is it some kind of PHD? Does anyone relate? Have any advice?

[Sunfl0wer]

Hey Moselle,
Yes, I relate.  I have issues with dissociative states.  

They feel worse when under stress, especially prolonged stress where I do not feel safe.

I am working with a T skilled in various trauma techniques.

I thought I was really beginning to loose my mind, the dissociation was getting pretty scary to me.

During my relationship,  it was survival mode a lot, so the dissociation didn't seem a "problm" cause it was helping me cope and quite appropriate for the situation so I appeared strong.(via disconnecting to a lot of what I was experiencing )

It became an issue when trying to rebuild my life.  After my situation was no longer under constant threat and stress, it became time to rebuild, well, the dissociation remained that was stirred up and not resolved since FOO childhood issues.

These connections were not evident in any way, however, dissociation was no longer needed, my ex gone, my situation stabe, so why my mind was still using dissociation was beyond me.

I am learning about this in my T.

(On phone, hope that makes sense)

My recommendation is find a therapist skilled in trauma.  EMDR and other tools.  

You mention anxiety and shame, etc... .You seem aware of some of the feelings you are experiencing. ...
I have done some work with my T called ACR (Affective Circuit Resetting) which I feel may be very much worth your time looking into.  It is very simple for the client, and directly works to reset circuits to such things as shame, and other primary feelings.  Shame is an awful thing to experience, imo... .  A hard one to tolerate, IMO.  I have had much relief following the ACR.

Is it some kind of PHD?

idk what u mean here

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey Moselle:

When you have these episodes, do you try to make yourself do certain things to "improve the moment"?  Sometimes, "faking it until you make it" works.  Sometime, we just have to make ourselves do something like: work out, go for a run or walk, go to a park and observe people and nature, listen to some upbeat music, watch a movie, etc. - to change our brain chemistry. 

It can be helpful to document things.  I just changed from a Windows Phone to Android.  I found a mood tracking app called Daylio.  You rate your mood for the day.  Basically it is a scale of 1-5, with words like "Meh" for a 3 and "Fugly" for a 2.  Those two ratings make me chuckle a bit.

When you rate your day, you enter your activities.  There are some default activities to choose from, but you can add personal activities (or events that affect your day, i.e. problem at work, a holiday, memorable date for you, etc.).  You can view your trends on a calendar or chart.  Sometimes tracking can be helpful to review on a bad day and remind yourself what helped you in the past, or become aware of a trend that you didn't notice.

There are similar apps out there for other platforms, if you aren't an Android user.  Daylio makes it hard not to feed in some data, at it prompts you at the end of the day.  Once you add in your custom activities, it only takes a minute to document.

Do you have some activities that you currently recognize as ways to make you feel better during the bad periods?  People may put different labels on their feelings/moods, but I think most of us have periods of time when we feel anxious, depressed or off in some way.  Everyone has a different "normal".  I'm thinking that for some, they encounter brief periods of anxiety/depression each and every year.  I can see how it can be more devastating, after a long run of feeling good.

What feelings are similar to the situations with your FOO?  Is there some similar form of invalidation?

[Moselle]

idk what u mean here

Sorry. Also on phone. I meant PTSD not PHD

[valet]

Hey Moselle, I think that as long as you continue to stay aware of your triggers these periods will go away in time. You're mainly through the worst of it at this point, but it will be a slow road toward more consistent feelings and moods. Remember to validate and protect yourself. The further away in time and distance I get from my ex, the more things have evened out. Now, 5 months after breaking off all contact, I find myself shifting towards a more self-improvement centered mindset. I feel like I'm living my own life again.

It will get better. Stay strong and protect yourself if you have to. Boundaries are tough to learn, but they become more natural as you continue to exercise those parts of your brain. If you're feeling strange, go for a walk or do something engaging. It's ok to distract yourself as long as you're acknowledging what brought on an anxious or dissociated state. Happy Holidays!

[Grey Kitty]

It's been a long time since I just felt 'normal'. I go through periods when I feel disconnected from myself, from reality and during these periods I feel shame, anxiety, pain, and generally can't achieve much. It may last a day or a few days.

Ironically I didn't have these periods during my 14 year marriage  but I do remember having them growing up with my dysfunctional FOO.

From what you describe of your marriage (and divorce), I'm betting you had to be "ON" for 14 years. There wasn't a time when it was safe for you to break down.

I bet you made your home and your life as separated safer, so you do have the space to fall apart once in a while.

It makes sense that it is finally happening now.

[Moselle]

From what you describe of your marriage (and divorce), I'm betting you had to be "ON" for 14 years. There wasn't a time when it was safe for you to break down.

I bet you made your home and your life as separated safer, so you do have the space to fall apart once in a while.

It makes sense that it is finally happening now.

Jeez this summarises it so well GK. I was "ON" for 14 years. Actually I squeezed so much into those 14 years. She felt free to have meltdowns every two weeks. But I kept it all going forward.

Yes it makes absolute sense that I am having this now. Being real, being human. It doesn't go away, we just suppress It.

[Grey Kitty]

Sounds like it is a relief to have the answer to the question "Why Now?"

Which leaves questions like what do you do about it, and what is happening and why.

It's been a long time since I just felt 'normal'. I go through periods when I feel disconnected from myself, from reality and during these periods I feel shame, anxiety, pain, and generally can't achieve much. It may last a day or a few days.

Getting overwhelmed by your feelings or getting lost in them for a day or three doesn't have to be a problem. Letting yourself feel things like that without taking any action and letting the feelings pass on their own schedule is good practice.

I'm also wondering if "normal" aka what you are used to is closer to "numb" than something healthy*. What do you think?

*healthy being relative--yes it is healthier than the drama storms your wife created!

[Moselle]

I just had two days of this stuff. I think my uNPD mom triggered it. It feels like a defense mechanism against abuse. I just tune out

[Sunfl0wer]

I just had two days of this stuff. I think my uNPD mom triggered it. It feels like a defense mechanism against abuse. I just tune out

Suppose others will have other perspectives.

I still say sounds like dissociation to me.  A way to mentally disconnect from stuff that is too hard for the mind to process otherwise.
Likely you don't feel safe with your mom?

Best thing I ever did for myself was to see a skilled trauma therapist.

Other things
-creating "safe places" both internal and external
-guided visualizations
- meditations
-Grounding techniques
- mindfulness
Etc

What works for you Moselle?
How can we help you through this time?

[Grey Kitty]

I just had two days of this stuff. I think my uNPD mom triggered it. It feels like a defense mechanism against abuse. I just tune out

Is tuning out how you coped with her growing up?

Do you feel like you have issues from your FOO that you still haven't dealt with?

Did you think you already had dealt with those issues?

[Moselle]

It's a little more complex. My brother in law is choosing to bring my ex into my holiday by becoming buddies with her and her new husband. I am so unbelievably angry. He tells me that she was his sister for 15 years and sees no reason not to remain close friends. What an a$$. They now go out together to do stuff. We were staying in a holiday home together for Christmas, but after bringing this drama of my ex into the equation. It was just getting ugly and he has now chosen to go and stay in my ex'es home whilst she is away on holiday, now that they are big buddies and asking my kids if they want to go and sleep over at their own house. I am spitting angry.

His children and my children are talking about it. It is playing into my ex's games perfectly. People on this site would recognise the exclusion game being played by my ex. She has finally made inroads into my own family. She knows I can't remain close to my sister whilst they are doing this.

He is pretending to be playing peacemaker but they are machiavellian power games he's playing, by putting himself in a position of power to hurt me.

Yes, my sister is codependent too. Yes she married crazy too.

I am in the difficult position of deciding to explain to my sister how I can no longer have a relationship with her husband, or just withdraw from my interactions with him. I've been restrained but the stress is unbelievable.

My own family has conspired to bring my ex into my holiday!

[Grey Kitty]

UGH! That does sound horrible. No wonder you are upset.

Do you think your brother in law is genuinely trying to be a good person and stay connected with both you and your ex after the split? I'm not proposing that your ex has good intentions here, just your B-I-L.

I ask because you could cause extra strife in your family if you get too angry at him and lash out. What he's accomplishing justifies the anger, no matter his intentions... .but be careful of how you act.