Sadness

[XL]

I was just doing some boring stuff and got this song about our home state stuck in my head, randomly. I was suddenly just bowled over with weeping grief. That really knocked the wind out of me, quite suddenly.

I was the product of two huge, epically dysfunctional families. There was no room for me, no room for my history, my future, my opinions, my struggles, my accomplishments. My whole life story has gone unnoticed in the constant fighting and rehashing of drama from 40 years ago. There was never any interest in my future, my friends, my partners, my career, my own home. No one ever really wanted to know the adult I was, or even wanted me to be an adult. My life was always just a quiet secret in the background of the on going ___show of their behavior.

[Issa]

maybe a good cry was what you needed. I know its cheesy to say, but maybe the sadness needed to be expressed, purged.   

[XL]

Thanks. I've been pretty stable recently (all things considered). That just snuck up out of nowhere.

I AM mad that they reveled in the drama. I think healthy families try to settle their trauma and shield their kids from it; mine made sure it was unforgettable, center stage, and nothing else except their generation's past was important. This is an umbrella trend I see in a lot of the family members. I sense a few of my cousins are experiencing the same thing.

I never hear about cousin's lives; I only hear when an aunt throws a tantrum or an uncle threatens to OD. Maybe I should make more of an effort to get to know my cousins as individuals. That might be a healthy thing I can do to deal with this.

[GeekyGirl]

Maybe I should make more of an effort to get to know my cousins as individuals. That might be a healthy thing I can do to deal with this.

That's a great idea. You don't need to make any grand gestures; even a "hey, how are you?" kind of e-mail can break the ice. If they're within visiting range, you could meet up for coffee. You might find that getting to know your cousins (and building relationships with them) can help you in your own healing process.

[Kwamina]

I AM mad that they reveled in the drama. I think healthy families try to settle their trauma and shield their kids from it; mine made sure it was unforgettable, center stage, and nothing else except their generation's past was important.

Hi XL,

Yep, these emotions can snuck up on you like that. I've been there too. I remember how I was doing the dishes once and got very emotional. A song was playing in the background and some lines really got to me: "One shot to your heart without breaking your skin. No one has the power to hurt you like your kin. Kept it inside, didn't tell no one else. Didn't even wanna admit it to yourself. And your chest burns and your back aches from 15 years of holding the pain. And now you only have yourself to blame if you continue to live this way". The song basically summed up how I had been feeling my whole life.

With my mother there was no room for me either, at least not for the real me. She was and is still always talking about her own past and her own mother. Last week she called me and I immediately heard there was something wrong by the tone of her voice. She was looking at a picture of the house she grew up in and was getting emotional but not in a healthy way. I did not respond and since she couldn’t feed off my emotions (I wasn’t giving her any), she ended the call. That was the entire telephone conversation, no questions about me or what I was doing, just called to act sad and strange and wanted to use me to regulate her own emotions. Not responding or responding in a calm and non-emotional way, is something I have found very effective in dealing with my mother and sister. They really feed off other people’s emotions, but when they don’t get any they don’t seem to know what to do.

[WolfSpider]

Hi, XL

I know what you mean. Of all things, 'Eternal Flame' by the flippin' Bangles (ok, Prince) came on the radio this morning on my way to work and out of nowhere I just started... . sobbing. I literally had to sit in my car in the parking lot for a while until I could get it together enough to go inside.

The strangest thing was, the lyrics immediately and clearly struck me as something my UBPD bro would say if he could-- like, without manipulation and rage, "Turn around... . give me your hand... . do you feel my heart beating... . do you understand... . do you feel the same... . am I only dreaming... . is this burning an eternal flame." It was... .  eerie, in a way. Like hearing a ghost-- the ghost of the person he could have become. He in no other way resembles Susanna Hoffs. 

Other songs have made me feel sad too, mostly stuff I remember him listening to when I was really little, before I was split black, back when he was kind to me.

I think people who have experienced the kind of emotional trauma we have walk around with a lot of buried pain. When something triggers us and the pain comes to the surface it can be unexpected and brutal.

I wish you peace. 

[FindingStrength]

Hi XL,

My song triggers are sometimes like the ones you've described where the lyrics to a particular song make me cry from sadness either because they capture the pain I have endured or they make me realize how other people have had normal loving happy relationships with family and I did not.

Other music triggers for me happen because one of my uBPD mom's awful quirks is that she uses music against the people she paints black.  She tells me and my enDad that the song "Grenade" by Bruno Mars is 'her song' because the lyrics portray the way we treat her, things like "I gave you all I had but you tossed it in the trash, you tossed it in the trash" are things she turns the volume up to whenever she plays the song or things she sings very loudly when she's upset. 

When I assert my independence she tells me that "Now you're just somebody that I used to know" and will play or sing those songs at me.  I can't hear either without getting the willies  or getting hurt and angry and turning the sound off.

[rescuenomore]

Hi XL, I get this too sometimes.  One that seems to do it to me a lot is Florence and the Machine Rabbit heart.  I have no idea what the song is supposed to be about but since I began his journey of self-discovery and distancing myself from my uBPDm it just seems to speak to me about my life.  Strange but I have weeped a lot to that song 

[XL]

You know, the song itself wasn't that important, but music was very, very necessary to me my whole life. I really latched onto a lot of somber, morally ambiguous artists. Lyrics with a defiant sense of "everyone here is wrong".

I actually did this sad thing as a kid. I latched onto artists as sort of surrogate parents. I was that annoying kid who was really, really, really into that band/singer/scene. I was hanging on every word of showmen who had any kind of hope or answer.

[GeekyGirl]

I actually did this sad thing as a kid. I latched onto artists as sort of surrogate parents. I was that annoying kid who was really, really, really into that band/singer/scene. I was hanging on every word of showmen who had any kind of hope or answer.

That makes a lot of sense. Did you see anything in those artists that you wish you'd seen in your mother?

[Swampy]

XL, I can certainly relate.  Thanks for putting into words that which I'm unable.  My Mother was abused by her Father who was abused by his Father.  The inability to express real love runs for generations and was replaced by a "carrot & stick" kind of conditional affection.  If they all have/had BPD and my Mother's 1st cousin is a raging NPD... .  how could I possibly expect NOT to have it?

At the very least I'm certain that I'm full blown PTSD and all the other various assorted fleas.

I wish I had some wisdom to share but I'm still trying to crawl out from under decades of covert and sometimes overt smear campaigns.

Thanks again, it helps.

[XL]

I actually did this sad thing as a kid. I latched onto artists as sort of surrogate parents. I was that annoying kid who was really, really, really into that band/singer/scene. I was hanging on every word of showmen who had any kind of hope or answer.

That makes a lot of sense. Did you see anything in those artists that you wish you'd seen in your mother?

I saw a way out. A career that moody kids with a chip on their shoulder could make tons of money at, on a grand scale. For better or worse, it has shaped my whole adult personality. I was recently wondering if I hadn't actually gotten so obsessively into fantasy land as a middle schooler that I might have split my original personality. Thus far it has not lead to a financial or emotional way out, just a lot of panic attacks in a lot of concert halls, and a lot of fights in recording studios with NPD jerks.