Was your exBPD partner always negative?

[Heartbroken Eagle]

When I look back to my relationship with my ex BPD partner, I realised that she was always negative with everything she did. She was so pessimistic, I spent most of the relationship trying to be her personal cheerleader. However, when I was either ill or was out of work and needed a little encouragement, she was never there for me.

Ironically, I'm now the one who is down in the dumps. It's like she has drained all of my optimism from me.

Is this typical BPD behaviour?

[Pingo]

I believe from what I have read on these boards that it is typical.  Mine certainly was.  And negative about the world in general.  He believed in all the different conspiracies and was very paranoid.  Figured everyone had it out for him including me.  He moped around a lot and by the end I was so tired of it all.  He wasn't depressed, just negative. Blaming everyone else for his problems. It does wear off on you, I found myself feeling more and more paranoid around him and feeling anxiety about the state of the world, etc.  The anxiety about the state of the world has lifted since I've been away from him but still anxious in general.

[Raybo48]

In short... .YES

[WhatTheFrank]

My ex was very negative.  Usually at the end of her work day it was a list of all the things she hated and the people that pissed her off.  I'd try to ask 'well what good happened today?' to redirect her (y'know, like a 4 year old), but it was short-lived.

[Raybo48]

My ex was very negative.  Usually at the end of her work day it was a list of all the things she hated and the people that pissed her off.  I'd try to ask 'well what good happened today?' to redirect her (y'know, like a 4 year old), but it was short-lived.

Yep, pretty much my exact experience with my BPDxgf.  Doom and gloom, negative Nancy, end of the world, "I'm struggling today".  On and on and on.

[Bak86]

Haha oh yes! Always complaining the world is not fair, people are stupid, "money is a stupid concept" etc. etc.

So negative

[fred6]

Haha oh yes! Always complaining the world is not fair, people are stupid, "money is a stupid concept" etc. etc.

So negative

Yeah, mine was always a victim? Always complaining, always talking $hit about friends and family, always jealous of people, and paranoid from time to time. Being her companion for 3 years and being around her more than anyone else, I got to hear it all. In an ironic and sick twist of fate, I'm probably the one that's being talked about now and new supply is the one who has to deal with all of that drama. Good luck and Godspeed to them, they will need it, bwhahahahahaha.

[Earthbayne]

By far, yes. Absolutely yes.

Worst part is she couldn't see it. At all. God forbid I ever tell her she was being negative. This was a trigger.

When we first met, she seemed like the happiest, most friendlist, most positive person ever. The closer I got, the more I realized that it was only an outer layer. There was no happiness, no optimism, no positivity. She was just reflecting me. I'm usually a very positive person and she is "out-going" so she can reflect that from other people, but at the core, EVERY DAY she would complain about her job, her life, her friends, her family, and about me.

But they don't see it as being negative, they see it as existing.

[neverloveagain]

Amen to all the above, the worlds ending, why bother, its futile the usual BPD yada yada. Never cared at all how i was or my day sheez was so blind.

[Recooperating]

Yes! Always negative! Exhausting really, im a positive person and a believer in good thought attract good things... .I too was a personal cheerleader, but it exhausted me.

He thought all women were ___s... .Out for either a guys money or a good lay... .I used to get so upset about those statements. Where I believe in the good in people he thinks the world is an evil place with only bad people... .(Projection?   )

Sad excistence... .

[Infern0]

By far, yes. Absolutely yes.

Worst part is she couldn't see it. At all. God forbid I ever tell her she was being negative. This was a trigger.

When we first met, she seemed like the happiest, most friendlist, most positive person ever. The closer I got, the more I realized that it was only an outer layer. There was no happiness, no optimism, no positivity. She was just reflecting me. I'm usually a very positive person and she is "out-going" so she can reflect that from other people, but at the core, EVERY DAY she would complain about her job, her life, her friends, her family, and about me.

But they don't see it as being negative, they see it as existing.

This.

I could entertain and distract her periodically but the baseline was "I'm so depressed,  I hate myself I'm ugly I have no future" and this was when things were actually going ok in her life.  Also she's absolutely stunning definitely not "fat and ugly" like she thinks

[Craydar]

In short... .YES

YES is all I need too. I'm straining to find a time that she was happy. Ok, she was a happy drunk and she was happy during and immediately after sex. The other 25% of the time we were together she was negative

[going places]

When I look back to my relationship with my ex BPD partner, I realised that she was always negative with everything she did. She was so pessimistic, I spent most of the relationship trying to be her personal cheerleader. However, when I was either ill or was out of work and needed a little encouragement, she was never there for me.

Ironically, I'm now the one who is down in the dumps. It's like she has drained all of my optimism from me.

Is this typical BPD behaviour?

My ex was a pessimistic life sucker.

I too was the cheer leader, the "find the silver lining in the cloud"... .and right; if I had a bad day, or if I got frustrated, it would send him into a fit (like he had to be MORE upset or MORE frustrated than me) and then I would have to turn all my attention and energy towards him cheering him up.

The "good" that I take away from all those years?

I most definitely can find a silver lining in every single cloud.

It has helped me to be a genuine optimist, and I have a very health sense of gratitude.

[Raybo48]

In short... .YES

YES is all I need too. I'm straining to find a time that she was happy. Ok, she was a happy drunk and she was happy during and immediately after sex. The other 25% of the time we were together she was negative

Pretty funny.  Mine was a horrible, horrible mean drunk and she started complaining about something 5 minutes after sex...  

[Tater tot]

So negative. His negativity attracted negative toxic things in his life, which enabled him to more effectively play the victim. I asked him once what was good about his day or life, he said, "well I guess I'm alive". Always felt others were out to disrespect or slight him. I knew nothing about gas lighting back then, but he had the nerve to tell me I was "so negative" in terms of our relationship and I actually believed it at the time. It's just sad.

[Perfidy]

Interesting topic. Does anybody suppose that the negativity is a reaction to the relationship?Or, is it a feature of the personality? No matter the answer, it is toxic.

[Earthbayne]

I don't think I ever heard "good" or "fine" or "great" when I asked her how she was.

Most of the time it was "blah"  or "eh" or "tired".

And now that I think of it, most of the times I said I was "great", we had a fight.

[outside9x]

I found mine in the beginning complaining about her last ex and the one before that, and how cheap they all were or cheater her out of money, etc, etc . Money was her universe as I found out. 

She would said she fine and the next moment cry she poor and might be going on food stamps, but has a fantastic 3  bedroom, 4 bath 2 car garage TH, with lower level Bar, 3D TV, a Lexus, staying at home and money in the bank that Richie, Richie would admire.  Always complaining about her whole family and how she is going to survive.  WOW!

On Dates she be in a very good mood until she expolded in a rage which got to be like every 3rd time.  SO yeah, always something, but her new motto is Great to be Happy, but that's just for the guys on her dating site to see.  Wait!  LOL 

[Tater tot]

Interesting topic. Does anybody suppose that the negativity is a reaction to the relationship?Or, is it a feature of the personality? No matter the answer, it is toxic.

I think it's an aspect of the disorder. If you think about empty they must feel, ALL THE TIME, it's hard to keep up the allusion that things are fine, good, great. With my ex, he was never happy, but I made him happy. I think that's part of the allure and love bombing initially is they appear to be such broken souls and we enter their lives and show them what happiness and love, and wholeness can be. This of course is not true, it's just what they tell us, that reels us in. Although I'm sure they do believe it at the time.

[Deeno02]

I don't think I ever heard "good" or "fine" or "great" when I asked her how she was.

Most of the time it was "blah"  or "eh" or "tired".

And now that I think of it, most of the times I said I was "great", we had a fight.

Yep. I hurt, in pain, angry, kids, schedules, other coaches all suck, you dont spend enough time with me, whatever, Im so fu*king done with it all. Its wonderful to not have to hear all that horse___ anymore

[Raybo48]

Interesting topic. Does anybody suppose that the negativity is a reaction to the relationship?Or, is it a feature of the personality? No matter the answer, it is toxic.

I think it's a feature of the personality. My BPDxgf became negative and depressed over just about anything/everything and that didn't always include us.  I came to the conclusion that they don't view the world as a happy place.  She would ask me for a "pep talk" about something that had her down and I'd give it my best shot (hell I pepped myself up in the process), but in the end she was no less down or negative than when I started.  The thing is what she was all doom and gloom about was just as easily forgotten about as anything else.  Just like the disorder dictates they don't sustain their moods/emotions for very long so I learned if there was a crisis with her it would blow over and probably the next day it was very distant in her mind.  I was usually right.

[Earthbayne]

The only way to cheer up a BPD SO is if you have some kind of hardship happen to you.

[Raybo48]

The only way to cheer up a BPD SO is if you have some kind of hardship happen to you.

Interesting thought.  I will say that whenever something really good happened to me or I was just in a great mood she never wanted to share in my joy.  It was almost guaranteed she would divert attention to her or she would really downplay what occurred with me that day in an almost deliberate attempt to level off my mood.

[Targeted]

In some ways yes in some ways no!  About daily life things yes, but if I told her even though we had no money we are going to start our own business she would be positive, problem with that is starting a business with no money is unrealistic,  she would be just as positive if I told her we were going to Build a rocket ship and fly to the moon and start in life alone!

[letmeout]

Negative and paranoid most of the time, usually projecting it onto me saying I was instead. Always unable to hold himself responsible for his own emotions or actions.

It is physically exhausting and emotionally unhealthy to be around someone like that. Sad thing is, our son has married a BPD person and after 15 years he told me last night that he can't take it anymore.

I was amazed at his shock when I compared his wife's behavior to his father's behavior. Did he just now realize how the two are connected?

He married a female version of his dad!

[DangIthurts]

The only way to cheer up a BPD SO is if you have some kind of hardship happen to you.

Interesting thought.  I will say that whenever something really good happened to me or I was just in a great mood she never wanted to share in my joy.  It was almost guaranteed she would divert attention to her or she would really downplay what occurred with me that day in an almost deliberate attempt to level off my mood.

Or you would get "thats great" an acknowledgement but no ability to share in the happiness or future potential that moment might have.

In some ways yes in some ways no!  About daily life things yes, but if I told her even though we had no money we are going to start our own business she would be positive, problem with that is starting a business with no money is unrealistic,  she would be just as positive if I told her we were going to Build a rocket ship and fly to the moon and start in life alone!

I think the excitement of accomplishing something can get a positive response for awhile, but once in the mud having to make something happen it doesn't work and the negativity comes out.

Mine was having school difficulties and I offered to pay for having to retake the class as many times as possible as long as she was working hard, offered to take multiple days off to relearn the subject and help, all that. It was met with such venom and hate.

[Bak86]

My ex also always complained about being a girl. "In my next life i'm going to be a boy, so much easier!" "Why are men always chasing me? Leave me alone!"(actually a comment that really hurt me a lot, because i thought she was referring to me as well)

And when she didn't sleep well(which was almost always) or when she was hungry, the negativity would explode.

[clydegriffith]

The Bpdx was pessimistic when it came to me but that's about it. If i wanted to do something without her that may benefit in some way it was never a good idea. Of course when the roles were reversed and she thought something would be in her favor she wouldn't want to hear otherwise.

[Hawk Ridge]

This was exactly what I needed to read tonight, a reminder of what I DON'T miss.  I was having a day of being jealous of my replacement.  Well, this is what they're getting for Christmas - I would prefer coal :-)

[Craydar]

I don't think I ever heard "good" or "fine" or "great" when I asked her how she was.

Most of the time it was "blah"  or "eh" or "tired".

And now that I think of it, most of the times I said I was "great", we had a fight.

It's amazing how they can project and be happy for a new supply while being their miserable mundane self to us... .all of course leading up to the discard.

[Climbmountains91]

Oh gawd. Mr Negative my ex is. Like exs: I asked him if he enjoyed time with his friends the day before or the night out he had say last week and he"ll say "sigh, yeah was alright, didnt like this or that though". Lately he said he wants to go to night classes and it would be really good for him then in the next breath its "its late at night though i don't think i could be bothered". Or he wants to go to AA meetings because of his alcohol issues and his worried about his health and that next breath its the cost when he could afford it. Every single thing always has a negative spin on it, if its not his standards he ent happy. Most of the time its "I've got MH problems i cant help it". Like his just excepted it, end of! Well if you got off your fat bum, woke up to reality and started helping yourself with therapy and that you would help it. Argh his so depressing.

[Turkish]

What I see here from peoples' comments is a lot of black and white thinking from their Exes. Mine would often talk about negativity and negative people... .negatively. After a few years, I came to the conclusion that underneath, she was one of the most negative people I'd ever known. I used to think, "ten people could be in a room having a good time, and then in she walks... ." Sure, she could sometimes be positive and happy, but like most of us, I was WoE in-between. What I realize now is that her negative view of the world was likely Projection.

My mistake was thinking I would be The One who could change that.

[Craydar]

Interesting topic. Does anybody suppose that the negativity is a reaction to the relationship?Or, is it a feature of the personality? No matter the answer, it is toxic.

This is an interesting point. I think we are lead to believe that the negativity is a result of their unhappiness in the relationship and with us. Everything being our fault, we are subjected to negativity. In truth, it is how they justify and cope with their own misery.

[Craydar]

What I see here from peoples' comments is a lot of black and white thinking from their Exes. Mine would often talk about negativity and negative people... .negatively. After a few years, I came to the conclusion that underneath, she was one of the most negative people I'd ever known. I used to think, "ten people could be in a room having a good time, and then in she walks... ." Sure, she could sometimes be positive and happy, but like most of us, I was WoE in-between. What I realize now is that her negative view of the world was likely Projection.

My mistake was thinking I would be The One who could change that.

Projecting was rampant with my uxBPDgf. Everyone else was f'ed up but she was an innocent victim. To your last point... .Nobody can change them. Anyone want to bet me that my replacement is going to have a good healty relationship with my ex?  Anyone?  No takers? Lol

[Turkish]

What I see here from peoples' comments is a lot of black and white thinking from their Exes. Mine would often talk about negativity and negative people... .negatively. After a few years, I came to the conclusion that underneath, she was one of the most negative people I'd ever known. I used to think, "ten people could be in a room having a good time, and then in she walks... ." Sure, she could sometimes be positive and happy, but like most of us, I was WoE in-between. What I realize now is that her negative view of the world was likely Projection.

My mistake was thinking I would be The One who could change that.

Projecting was rampant with my uxBPDgf. Everyone else was f'ed up but she was an innocent victim. To your last point... .Nobody can change them. Anyone want to bet me that my replacement is going to have a good healty relationship with my ex?  Anyone?  No takers? Lol

Relationship? Yes. Healthy? No. Were our relationships healthy though?

My Ex found a better emotional match. It could keep going for quite a while, no matter how me or ant one can objectively criticize him. That's what a lot of us struggle with, I think. I admit that I am still stuck on this point.

[aeoma]

My "ex" was never happy. Of course I discovered that after the love bombing phase. She always complained about something, in private with me by night, or by text during day. She is crazy rich but spends her free time in evenings and weekends doing extra administrative work for her father's company.  She always had something to do (like an obligation), like laundry, taking care of something in the house, of for friends she constantly criticized, even her closest friends.

She had a friend visiting her for the weekend, result: "I'm happy he left after two days, he's so messy, he put clothes all around the flat".

When I was happy to see my own friends during weekends, telling her our activities, how for example we relaxed at a spa, went to a salt swimming-pool, on her side her ski trips were boring because her best friend was boring during the train trip. Basically she was bored all the time.

The harder for me now is to see her mask at work where she's friendly with everybody, playing the perfect colleague, making cakes for birthday parties, even if I experienced her true self, when she said she hates birthdays celebrations, social gatherings which she forces herself to contribute to enforce her perfect public image.

I'm far from being a social guy, in fact I'm more of the monk type, but I have very good close friends (which saved me during the BU phase btw), and I'm not complaining about them.

[aeoma]

The only time she was happy was when we had an orgasm together at the same time, for her it was as her goal was achieved, it was so beautiful. Now I read a bit about it and understand sex was for her a control tool. The fact of having a good sex session and that I was pleased by her was a proof for her she had power over me.

[DangIthurts]

What I see here from peoples' comments is a lot of black and white thinking from their Exes. Mine would often talk about negativity and negative people... .negatively. After a few years, I came to the conclusion that underneath, she was one of the most negative people I'd ever known. I used to think, "ten people could be in a room having a good time, and then in she walks... ." Sure, she could sometimes be positive and happy, but like most of us, I was WoE in-between. What I realize now is that her negative view of the world was likely Projection.

My mistake was thinking I would be The One who could change that.

Projecting was rampant with my uxBPDgf. Everyone else was f'ed up but she was an innocent victim. To your last point... .Nobody can change them. Anyone want to bet me that my replacement is going to have a good healty relationship with my ex?  Anyone?  No takers? Lol

Relationship? Yes. Healthy? No. Were our relationships healthy though?

My Ex found a better emotional match. It could keep going for quite a while, no matter how me or ant one can objectively criticize him. That's what a lot of us struggle with, I think. I admit that I am still stuck on this point.

I think thats what would bug me I mean I know she can't keep the happiness going forever but if in 2 years she's with my replacement of 3weeks, I'd be bothered by that (hopefully I still don't care this much by then haha) but its more because worse BF's made it longer than I did, and to think I wasn't good enough to be kept around (how nuts is that to feel ). It would hurt me.

I'm trying to go at this whole situation with this thinking, if she's not being abused or something like she had for so long. I will be happy for her... I worry very much she'll fall back into accepting that as life and just take it. And that I cannot take. I can take replacements, ignoring me like I didn't exist, but the notion she's off getting hurt while I'm living it up... I don't want that for her.

[DangIthurts]

My "ex" was never happy. Of course I discovered that after the love bombing phase. She always complained about something, in private with me by night, or by text during day. She is crazy rich but spends her free time in evenings and weekends doing extra administrative work for her father's company.  She always had something to do (like an obligation), like laundry, taking care of something in the house, of for friends she constantly criticized, even her closest friends.

Same man like I'm reading my life haha minus the crazy rich part, everything besides us was an obligation lmao.

mine would berate and hate on just about any "friend" she had but once we broke up "besties" hanging out together they were all users though. Theyd use her because they were the definition of broke and she made money, and she'd use them when things went sour, but if things were good those people didn't exist or were made the butt of jokes, and ridicule in private.

always in pain from work, this co-worker or that one [wonder why she never got promoted or hired elsewhere in 10+ years] is a problem, I'm quitting soon... .

VERY negative.