Do BPD exes come back?

[LifeIsOn]

Im just curious if they do come back or not. Just wondering. People say they NEVER go back to an ex even if they were the best person for them. Is that true?

Thanks! 

[realityhurts]

brad,

That's almost a scary question. I'm not sure what you mean when you say that they NEVER go back to an ex. Mine did, we recycled and there are plenty of stories on these boards of countless recycles.

If my ex came back and said the right words then I've have her back in an instant.   

[LifeIsOn]

What I mean on that one is that if you look online about BPD and many posts say they never come back to an ex. how long was she gone for. why did you guys break up in the first place?

[realityhurts]

Well, anecdotally the evidence suggests that they do come back.

When I broke up with my ex the first time she came back after 4 months... I was absolutely determined to get her back, it was a very difficult period for me, I'd just lost my mother and despite the evidence otherwise I assumed that I must have had some sort of personality transplant... I made every excuse in the book for her.

Why did we break up? because she is an extremely low functioning BPD waif who projected all of her problems onto me and I'm her codependent... That's the short answer. The long answer would be a novel.

[StillInShock]

After almost three months post b/u... .my ex fiance came back last week telling me that he is in love with someone but he misses our love making... .he sent me more than 30 emails convincing me to be his mistress... .telling me he will meet with me every week and we can have a lot of fun... .but no relationship... .coz he is in love with "the one"

I have never felt so sick or disgusted in my whole life as I felt when he said he loves her but wants us to continue our sexual relationship... .this man knows nothing about love  

Forgot to mention... .he told me last week that she was my replacement toward the end of our r/s... .he cheated on me with her and now he wants to cheat on her with me

[runninggal81]

Im just curious if they do come back or not. Just wondering. People say they NEVER go back to an ex even if they were the best person for them. Is that true?

Thanks! 

It seems like the answer depends on the reasons for the split (was there someone else?), as well as the functioning level of the BPD and the non. Since my BPDx and I don't have mutual friends and we don't even live or work in the same part of town, it's very easy not to interact with him. I may miss him terribly, but I've had no problem keeping NC. I'm sure if I saw him at the bar every weekend I'd have a harder time with it.

I was convinced that I was never going to see my ex again... .and he rolls up at my doorstep at 8:30 on a Sunday morning, almost a year after we broke up, to drop off some stuff I left over at his place. I was pretty resilient at that point, so I wasn't trying to hear any attempts to re-engage. I don't know if that counts as "coming back," but I made it clear that there wasn't any of that happening.

[LifeIsOn]

Oh Im sorry about your break ups.

StillinShock

Im so sorry that you had to go through that too. I was once engaged to my exBPD as well but she never done that. we been split up for about 4 months now. I cut her off 2 months ago. Couldnt take her drama anymore. NC is the way to do it to rebuild yourself.

runninggal81

Yeah, But I personally moved on from my exBPD fiance. she got attracted to her womanizer boss and they been dating for about 3 months now. He convinced her to leave me because I was no good to her but I was really good to my ex and her friends love me still. She put herself in a bad situation of a combo of womanizer and boss. It will end up horrible.

Dont get me wrong, I still love my ex but I had to move on because I was not living. I was dating a girl that liked me a lot after the break up and was physically abused me for about a month half. I was at my lowest when it happened and there were red flags then I finally realized that I was not living anymore so I ended it because it was not fair and I was tired of it. My exBPD never abused me but emotionally. I told my ex I would be there for her if she ever needed me and I parted my way and that was when I cut her off. To be honest, If she ever came back and she found out she made a mistake, I would take her back but would take therapy to help and work things out. I understand why she did it. took me long time to figure it out and found out it was because womanizers make women with low self esteem feel understood. The sad truth on that, it changes with womanizers and soon her BPD will come out of the shell. She told me she still loves me very much still and I do too but I had to move on. Im not fully yet but better than I was months back. Im happier now but still miss her and its normal.

However Im doing this because my friend had a exBPD who just broke up with him and now dating her boss who is also a womanizer too. I was shocked because very similar to what happened to mine. He wanted to know if they ever come back and I couldnt answer him that because my never did or hasnt. Im doing this to see if there is proof that they have. Im also helping him recover because I know how it felt and I give him advices. He helped me when I went through it. He wants her back as well. All I say is if it is meant to be, it is meant to be she will come back but was not sure with BPD tho so thats why i asked

[diotima]

Brad: the best thing for you would be if she never contacted you again. Since they do not grieve a r/s, they often come back when they need a "spare," when they have no new soul mate on the horizon. This is especially so for the serial cheaters. They like to keep a "bank account" of possible new hosts. People are objects to them--for meeting whatever need they feel they have in the moment. I was recycled three times and didn't let it happen a fourth time. Each time I was hurt more and the last time I was devastated. You really, really are better off if she leaves you totally alone. It is hard to predict. Some BPDs come back and do the recycle thing and some are gone for ever. They are not predictable. In time your longing for her will subside and in even more time you won't want this. I see you have taken steps to save yourself from the drama and chaos and pain.

Diotima

[LifeIsOn]

diotima66

Im so sorry about what happened with yours. She tries to contact me but was 3 weeks ago. I didnt reply. I had to so I could work on myself and my career and my career has taken off big time. I told myself I wouldnt be a back up so thats when I stopped talking to her. I have made process. my longing for her has got smaller but in time im sure it will be gone. I have told myself that if she came back later on, I might not want her back by then. Its All About Time.

Im helping my friend as well on it.

[LifeIsOn]

Im looking for stories of when an exBPD came back after leaving for someone else when they found out the other person wasnt the right one. I know they tend to do the recycle thing. Im just looking for stories of successful one. I just interested and thought the topic be a fun one to find out. 

[diotima]

Hey Brad: sounds like your head's on straight and I am happy to hear your career has taken off. What a good place to put your attention. No, I won't be a spare either! I suspect that later on you will not want her and will be very happy to have gotten rid of her. I miss my ex less and less as time goes on.

Diotima

[LifeIsOn]

Yes its straight now as Im a graphic designer and have a lot of successful in the field. About a month after we broke up, I was involved in a hit n run when crossing a parking lot and was left laying on the ground and I almost died from it. I was in the hospital for 2 weeks. When I recovered, the last time I saw my ex in person. I told her the story of what happened. She start crying. I was like why did she cry? I thought people with BPD dont feel or remorse the past. That always sticked to my head because her friends found out and asked if I was ok and found out that she spoke to me and they say she still says good things for me and misses me and blah blah but that was 2 months ago... when I cut her off . I thought they didnt remorse or feel for their ex. odd

[LifeIsOn]

after the break ups I mean... she cried many times during the relationship and she always recovered.

[diotima]

They don't feel remorse. If anything they feel shame and (threatened) abandonment. Whatever it is, it is about them. However, one thing I noticed with my ex is that he could identify with other people's pain under one condition: that he didn't cause it. If your ex saw you in pain and cried it was over something she didn't do. Sure, they can miss us. My ex told me several times that he missed me and I am sure he did and maybe even does. That's not the same as feeling responsible for the crap they do.

Diotima

[nparade]

I think I'm kind of going through the same thing.  I'm getting these "contacts" that can lead toward intimacy.  But two weeks ago, I was told not to tell anyone that we had even met for lunch because "of personal reasons I will tell you later".  This week, I am told it is not secret.  When I asked why it was secret one week and not the next, she would only reply "isn't it obvious?" and then not elaborate.  I don't know, and it breaks my heart.

After almost three months post b/u... .my ex fiance came back last week telling me that he is in love with someone but he misses our love making... .he sent me more than 30 emails convincing me to be his mistress... .telling me he will meet with me every week and we can have a lot of fun... .but no relationship... .coz he is in love with "the one"

I have never felt so sick or disgusted in my whole life as I felt when he said he loves her but wants us to continue our sexual relationship... .this man knows nothing about love  

Forgot to mention... .he told me last week that she was my replacement toward the end of our r/s... .he cheated on me with her and now he wants to cheat on her with me

[slvr6543]

Brad


Hey Brad It really depends on the situation. My ex BPD gf left me a total of 4 times in 3 years... The first 2 times she left for about 3 weeks... .the 3rd time she left and moved in with a guy like 3 days later and a couple of weeks later came back and told me that she didn't like the guy she just needed a place to say and that she still loved me and yada yada yada... Stupidly i took her back after 3 times. 4 months later she left me again and moved in with another guy 2 days after we split. It has now been 3 months since the split but I found out her new relationship only lasted 2 months and then they split and now are back together. She called me around the time they broke up and asked where I was living but I made it very clear that I was staying at my parents house till I buy my house and I have not heard from her since.

What I am saying is it depends on THEIR situation. THEIR needs. Its never going to be about you or how they feel about you. Its going to be about how you could benefit them, as its always about them. If your asking if she will ever come back for your own interest (wanting her to come back) your asking for trouble. As hard as it is to let go thats what needs to happen. I know how hard it is, I am going through it as well but its for the best in the long run. All your going to do is set yourself up for more pain. Try and suck it up and keep thinking about all the horrible things that happen and keep busy. I loved my ex more than anything in this world and its tuff to let go but we have no other choice... .

take care

[LifeIsOn]

ah gotcha. I just wonder why she cried all the way back home. she lives two hours from me now. She was going to see her friend after seeing me but I later found out that she went straight home and her friend said that she cried the whole ride home. Her friend thinks that she cried because I could have been killed and wouldnt be alive anymore and that she still cant bare to lose me because I was a huge part of her life. I remember one night when I asked her about a text that I personally knew she lied about and she started crying because that was the very first time she ever lied to me in our relationship. I didnt feel sorry or anything. She never said anything about abandonment to me in our relationship. I know that she grew up in our relationship because I taught her so much and we had same taste in everything. She still does and I have discarded things I learned from her or hobbies that she enjoyed. It was the past so I wanted new things.

My ex was never diagnosed with BPD but she shows signs of it but Im not for 100% sure. I know that my friend's ex is a BPD because she was diagnosed with one. I was mind f**ked for a while after the break up because I found out she was dating her boss who is a womanizer. Then I just gave up and moved on. She tried to stay in touch but I cold turkey cut her off. I realized that the way she was in my relationship (clingy, controlling, jealous) is a bad thing to have in a relationship with a boss or a womanizer. So I just know she chose a hard difficult road of a happy relationship that she will never have. I wished her well but I laugh about it because the boss doesn't have a clue what kind of storm is coming his way. BPD never change without therapy. He knows she has E.D. and depression.

All I know now that she quit her anti depression and now probably self medicating through booze as the boss loves the bar scene and drinks. She is trying to keep up with it and she will burn herself out. She never drank or rarely drank when we dated. I never drank or rarely because I am a recovering alcoholic and it was b4 she met me. She also been late for work and longer lunch breaks now (not everday) my good friend works with them so he told me and he thinks it wont last cuz he knows how the boss is a womanizer. I told my friend she made her choice and a bad one. I wish her well and she will regret that decision she made on it.

[LifeIsOn]

Slvr6543

Oh Im so sorry that you went through that. My ex never left me or broke up with me and we dated for 2 1/2 years. The first one was the last one . Im at the middle of want/dont want her back. I know it be bad. Yeah about two months after the break up I told myself that If I love her so much that I have to let her so so Im half way. I been focusing on myself the last two months. I loved my ex more than anything I ever had. I do remember the bad horror she put me through. was more of controlling. but we had alot of fun but I wish her well with her new womanizer boss haha. I tried to date a girl after the b/u and I noticed the red flags and got out of it quickly. I had to love myself again so glad im living again

[slvr6543]

@brad... .Just like your relationship my ex never talked about abandonment either for  3 years until about 4 days before we split. I was threatening to leave her and what she said was this... I need you... .I answered FOR WHAT... .she said " I can't do anything on my own... .Then 3 days later she left. Like your ex mine cried the whole time before she left and would say things like." I have cried for the last time over you". I wasn't doing her sht for her to be crying. She was on prozac but was never diagnosed either. In the end she blamed me for EVERYTHING. She has almost every single symptom except the cutting. She has full blown BPD and there is no doubt in my mind. They cry for their own reasoins. Guilt, ashamed, worrying etc... .but its all about them

[slvr6543]

That new relationship will never last. and like u I laugh because your right, That new guy has no clue what he is getting himself ijnto... Trust me that relatiosnship is doomed before it begins

[LifeIsOn]

Yeah, She never left or anything. we sticked together that whole time. We rarely ever fought. but we fought in the end. the break up I told her I was tired of it and we came to an agreement that it was good to end it because we couldn't work it out for that moment. She never said I need you or anything. She grew up cuz of me but when she moved to where she worked and met that boss, she stopped and became immature and I noticed the changes. Thats when the fighting began . I was going through alot of issues at that time. not finding a job and my family turned their back on me. My brain was not in the right place and I fought with her about the boss. We are enemies and hated each other well he hated me b4 he met me so i hated him afterwards. I saw his ways and his womanizing ways and i was disgusted. After I moved back. I got my career going and pretty damn successful now with my field. Got my clothing line going and Im doing things I couldnt do when I dated her. So it been a good ride but bumpy

Hahaha. Yeah I realized that later on and I was like Im going to have my popcorn and enjoy it haha. yeah it is doomed before it begins. Its probably going to cost her, her job and she thinks he understands her and I found out more about BPD and that they dont change ever without therapy so I felt better and understood that the relationship is headed to shtville anytime soon haha. If the boss is smart enough to see the red flags and be a womanizer... .he will end it haha. My ex didnt show the signs until maybe 4 or 5 months into our relationship (Clingy, Controlling, and Jealously)

but one of my friend is dating a womanizer boss and my friend as BPD so Im watching out for her but not my ex. but Im letting them both fall on their face to see that the grass is not greener on the other side.

[LifeIsOn]

My ex new relationship is in the idealization phase with the person with BPD feeling intensely connected to and positive about the other person, and wanting to spend a lot of time with this person. But, when the devaluation phase emerges, the person with BPD may see the other person as worthless, bad, or uncaring, and may attempt to distance herself from them. Funny... she never viewed me as worthless or bad or anything but she distanced herself but Im just gonna enjoy what the womanizer douche is gonna get hit by

[palch12]

I never thought my girlfriend would come back. We were together seemingly every hour of every day for at least four months and very suddenly it all ended. Around the time she got on new medicine and a new therapist and her life was looking up for the first time since I met her, she picked out a large number of things I had been doing wrong for months. I was mean, I didn't care  about her, I didn't love her. The heartbreak was tremendous and she refused to talk, see me, or even read my texts for weeks telling all her family and friends that I broke up with her.

I worked hard about fixing what things about myself she said were broken and proving it to her and we eventually got back together. I felt like, and still feel like to a large degree, that everything is my fault. This very cycle has happened twice and I have no doubt it will happen again in the future. The day she doesn't take me back and am forced to get over her is the day that my life begins to repair itself, I feel.

[LifeIsOn]

You guys dated for only 4 months? or she was gone for 4 months?

[LifeIsOn]

You guys together now or broke up again?

[diotima]

The day she doesn't take me back and am forced to get over her is the day that my life begins to repair itself, I feel.

Why are you giving her all the power? BPDs can string you along for a long, long time and keep you on the back burner while they have new r/s's. Do you want that?

Diotima

[palch12]

You guys dated for only 4 months? or she was gone for 4 months?

We were dating for 4 months at the time, very much an idealization phase. We are back together now and in total have been dating for about 12 months total. I just learned of this relationship cycle and it has repeated itself a couple times. I feel like she is more normal now than ever but we both have our own problems to figure out. Either way, I nearly killed myself with the grief that she would never come back to me and it was all my fault but eventually she did.

[LifeIsOn]

How long was she gone?

[Sword]

he sent me more than 30 emails convincing me to be his mistress... .telling me he will meet with me every week and we can have a lot of fun... .but no relationship... .coz he is in love with "the one"

I have never felt so sick or disgusted in my whole life as I felt when he said he loves her but wants us to continue our sexual relationship... .this man knows nothing about love  

Same here, the girl I loved wants to have a sexual relationship WITHOUT any emotion.  Afraid of attachment.  Every guys dream right?  For me it is a nightmare I am glad to be almost out of.

[myfault]

Hi all;

But how do you trust again?

I have been through 3 years, the last two married, to a guy who promises the moon in one breath and in the next is calling me a fu**ing btch in the next. I have lived the see-saw the jeckel and hyde, only to be fooled again and again and each time the "nice" times got shorter and shorter and the "angry" times got longer and longer.

You put your heart in the palm of your hand and hold it out for what? to have it slapped away each and every time. I'm leary of his "nice" times now, just waiting for the shoe to fall.

For example: When he and his daughter left it was supposed to be a trial seperation so we could date and see how things would work (his idea). then I find out not an hour later he is telling friends that he came home from work and out of the blue I had asked for a divorce.(It was sunday he doesn't work on sundays). An hour and a half later his mom calls me and says how nice it is that we are going to work out our differences.Then he calls me at work 1 week before christmas to say that he has put a retainer down on a lawyer for a divorce, asks if I am choked and when I say no hangs up on me only to call me back a half an hour later to see if we could meat for coffee to discuss the "lawyer" stuff, sure why not. He is sweet as pie, even cried about four times, told me how sorry he was for everything he had done to me and told me that he would never hit me, never! crying the entire time. Not once was the lawyer even mentioned. Then two hours later he is on the phone to his mom telling her how much of a btch I am... .back n forth... .how do you trust?