Best method to get them to come back?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

My pwBPD has left me, and come back numerous times. We all know this is a reoccurring theme with alot of us here.

So my question, as I'm sure alot of yall have too, is "WHAT'S THE BEST METHOD TO GET THEM TO COME BACK INTO YOUR LIFE"?

In your experience, do you find it better to keep in touch with them? Popping in every once in a while to let them know you are there for them? Or do you find that not talking to them at all until they contact you is better?

Do you find that telling them how much they've hurt you is effective? Or do you pretend that they've done nothing wrong and try to move forward?

Obviously, everyone is different. But I wanna know from people's past experiences what they find is the most effective ways to get your pwBpd Back.

[ATLboy]

My pwBPD has left me, and come back numerous times. We all know this is a reoccurring theme with alot of us here.

So my question, as I'm sure alot of yall have too, is "WHAT'S THE BEST METHOD TO GET THEM TO COME BACK INTO YOUR LIFE"?

In your experience, do you find it better to keep in touch with them? Popping in every once in a while to let them know you are there for them? Or do you find that not talking to them at all until they contact you is better?

Do you find that telling them how much they've hurt you is effective? Or do you pretend that they've done nothing wrong and try to move forward?

Obviously, everyone is different. But I wanna know from people's past experiences what they find is the most effective ways to get your pwBpd Back.

[ATLboy]

I wanna add that what I've done in the past is basically gone no contact, thinking she wanted no part of me. Then somehow, she would always come back. But that method sure takes a long time. Last time, we didn't talk for 6 months.

[KE151]

Why do you want her back?

[ATLboy]

True dat. Kinda do, kinda don't. Who knows.

[goldylamont]

ATLboy i spent about 10 months or so post-breakup in limbo as you are wondering if we could patch up our r/s. now, it should be noted that i had no idea about BPD at the time and also hadn't fully accepted who she was and what she was capable of. once i found out how much a liar and manipulator she was then i was gone for good--but it did take me some time to prove this to myself.

so, to answer your question about what you need to do to get her back--well, i read in this one r/s book about reconnecting with exes and it said this. and this is Game and that is AGREE with them. so if you're ex is saying that your relationship was terrible and that she wants to see other people and that you two need time apart--then AGREE with her. don't fight it and say "but i still love you", or "you're wrong we can work things out!". nope. you should say "Ex, I totally see where you are coming from. I want you to know that I care about you, and I agree we should take some time off. I'm really interested in seeing other women and finding out what I want in life in other relationships. Thank you Ex for this insight, I appreciate your honesty and agree we should not be together right now." << *that* is not what a controlling person wants to hear, that you have come to terms and can match them tit for tat when it comes to moving on and detaching. Really what they want is for you to stay stuck and suffer and be someone they can fall back on when they need emotional support; so they can use you when needed and throw you away when they find their next sexual partner. Don't be that guy  

But, ATLboy, I don't think you should get back your ex. Um... . OK... . Soo, why in the hell GoldyLamont are you telling me *how* to get her back? Well, because you asked   And also because this is the glorious beautiful lovely and awesome realization i came to and a perspective I'd like to give to you:

The same behavior that shows your strength and will make you more attractive to your ex, is the same behavior that will make you stronger and make it easier to leave her trifling ass for good. ™®

, i can explain more ATLboy but the crux of what i'm saying is this--you feel the strong desire to attract your ex back to you, but I also feel like you understand that this isn't a good thing. well, just realize that working on yourself--becoming physically fit, emotionally strong, sexy to other women, and detaching from your ex completely will do two things simultaneously: it will further your healing, and it will make you more attractive to your ex (actually it just makes you more attractive overall)

[ATLboy]

Wow! Good reply. Thats the kind of answer that I was looking for. One that answered my question, yet didn't ask me why. Thanks for that answer, it's definitely one to consider.

[ATLboy]

So, yes, i can nd will improve myself. But with no contact, how will this ex know? How will be bettering myself and not needing her really drive her crazy, if she has no idea?

In your opinion, are you suggesting no contact? Some contact? Or what?

I get the whole "better yourself" stuff for myself. But if it's to get her to notice, it won't happen with no contact. Of course, contacting her to boast about how great I am doing now also doesn't seem like a good idea. Haha

[goldylamont]

So, yes, i can nd will improve myself. But with no contact, how will this ex know? How will be bettering myself and not needing her really drive her crazy, if she has no idea?

In your opinion, are you suggesting no contact? Some contact? Or what?

I get the whole "better yourself" stuff for myself. But if it's to get her to notice, it won't happen with no contact. Of course, contacting her to boast about how great I am doing now also doesn't seem like a good idea. Haha

You've got the right idea here ATL. Going full on No Contact (NC) most often backfires if your intent is to rekindle things with an ex. In this sense, NC is often just a cheap form of reverse psychology where you are trying to make your ex "miss" you or become jealous because you aren't present. But, this is the oldest game in the book; everybody and their momma knows about it; so it doesn't really work.

The most effective would be Low Contact (LC). Giving yourself and her freedom and space and checking in once in a while. And pacing yourself--if you send a text and it takes her 8 hours to reply, then don't reply back until at least another 8 hours. Only be as responsive as she is being. And, don't expect any response at all.

Also, do *not* do or say things with the intent of trying to make your ex jealous! ATLboy you will never win at this game. Unbeknownst to us pwBPD have already mastered this game in their adult life which is why it's so 'easy' for them to 'move on' and act with such controlling behaviors. If you mention anything about other women you're seeing to your ex you better damn well be prepared to hear about her great adventures with other men.

I see everything in terms of energy and momentum. And right now you have pent up energy and you want to get your ex back. Ok, so i'm showing you ways to direct and spend this energy that may be beneficial to this cause, but ultimately will simply be beneficial to you in general with no regard to her. It's infinitely more powerful to *feel* better about yourself and experience good things in life, then perhaps share this with your ex, rather than making it up that you feel great and are doing great to make her jealous--trust you will never win if you play the game this way. pwBPD were built for this type of deception! and who wants to act like that if they have a choice anyways, right?

So, ya i am suggesting you follow through with the "better yourself" stuff--but the hard pill to swallow, yet the good dose that you need to understand is that you have to take these actions because you know it's the best thing to do. *Not* because you are trying to impress her. Meh, if she finds you sexy because of it i guess you just can't help it eh? And if she doesn't good riddens, you haven't wasted weeks/months or even years waiting on her, because you're already doing the isht you know is best to do anyways. Use wanting her back as a way to motivate yourself to become a better man, but never fool yourself into believing this is your ultimate goal.

[NoCRV]

Hi ATLboy,

My BPDex recycled her ex after our one year relationship.  What he did was text her and message her on facebook.  Some of the text were really mean and some were asking to go on trips.  It was LC.  So when she broke up with me/felt like I abandon her she knew he was always around.  During our relationship he was painted black but now he's white.  As far as time goes, guess you just have to wait till the next host is painted black.  I myself have dropped off the face of the earth and trying to better myself so I know I won't be recycled but from what I read here the recycles get worse the next time around.