Death in the Family

[sisterofbpd]

Hello everyone,

So my cousin just passed away and it's a complete shock.  While I'm trying to process this, I know I will almost undoubtedly see my BPDsis either at the calling hours and/or the funeral.  It's pathetic to have to worry about this when a death in the family occurs, but I can just see her doing what ever she can to cause some kind of scene and completely being disrespectful to his immediate family and also making me and my FOO look guilty by association.  I've been NC with her for a few months now with very limited contact beforehand.  Have any of you dealt with this?  If so, how did it play out?  Do you have any advice for me?  I cannot miss my cousin's funeral, but I do not want drama to be played out there either.

[Pilate]

I'm sorry for your loss, sisterofBPD. We had a similar occurrence a few years ago and my dh's uBPD sis had been estranged/NC for awhile. The funeral created an opportunity for her to work back into the family, which we were so busy supporting the cousin's family that she was sort of background noise. (People did not make a big deal or say much of anything either way.) It felt weird and awkward a bit extent, but really, the focus was on the immediate family of the cousin who died.

I don't know about your sister, but my sil can help in the moment and show a lot of grief and support, too. Or not show up, either. If your sis is trying to help then let she can deal directly with that part of the family. You don't need to be in the middle of that interaction. If your sis starts behaving weird and your family starts looking to you for answers, could you just shrug and say "I don't know. You could ask her if you're curious. We all deal with loss differently" and then change the subject or focus on if there is something you can help with--making a meal, arranging cards, making phone calls. Your sister will be who she is, but I hope you don't feel you have to be responsible or accountable for her behaviors.

[ViaCrusis1689]

I'm very sorry for your loss. I have not dealt with such a situation, but I have dealt with difficult relatives I'd rather not deal with at funerals. I am always cordial, but then try to spend more time with other relatives I am more comfortable with. I would assume there is going to be a lot of people at both the visitation and funeral and I would just try to keep busy mingling with others, helping out with things that need doing, etc.

My guess is sis will not try to make a scene, hopefully, given that it is a funeral. If she does, it will be a reflection on her.

Again, my deepest sympathies to you and your family.

[sisterofbpd]

I'm sorry for your loss, sisterofBPD. We had a similar occurrence a few years ago and my dh's uBPD sis had been estranged/NC for awhile. The funeral created an opportunity for her to work back into the family, which we were so busy supporting the cousin's family that she was sort of background noise. (People did not make a big deal or say much of anything either way.) It felt weird and awkward a bit extent, but really, the focus was on the immediate family of the cousin who died.

Thank you!  That is the way it should be for sure!  Unfortunately, my extended family is fond of gossip and such

I don't know about your sister, but my sil can help in the moment and show a lot of grief and support, too. Or not show up, either. If your sis is trying to help then let she can deal directly with that part of the family. You don't need to be in the middle of that interaction. If your sis starts behaving weird and your family starts looking to you for answers, could you just shrug and say "I don't know. You could ask her if you're curious. We all deal with loss differently" and then change the subject or focus on if there is something you can help with--making a meal, arranging cards, making phone calls. Your sister will be who she is, but I hope you don't feel you have to be responsible or accountable for her behaviors.

My sister can certainly be sympathetic, but she absolutely wants to be the center of attention, whether it be in a positive or negative

way.  I don't know if she will be able to help but cause a scene and even thought I shouldn't feel responsible for her behavior, it's still embarrassing for our FOO

I'm very sorry for your loss. I have not dealt with such a situation, but I have dealt with difficult relatives I'd rather not deal with at funerals. I am always cordial, but then try to spend more time with other relatives I am more comfortable with. I would assume there is going to be a lot of people at both the visitation and funeral and I would just try to keep busy mingling with others, helping out with things that need doing, etc.

My guess is sis will not try to make a scene, hopefully, given that it is a funeral. If she does, it will be a reflection on her.

Thank you!  I really hope she doesn't try to make a scene, it would be horrifying, but not surprising.  Another part of my concern is that my DDs 12&9 may be at some of the services (not sure yet, but my little one asked about it today).  She will do what she can to spend time with them there and telling them god knows what.  Judging by the things she'll say to my face, I cannot imagine what she would say when I'm out of earshot.  Not to mention she insulted both of my kids in her last email to me and everyone else, but she will still try to talk to them, been there, done that. Sigh.  Hopefully all of the anxiety is for nothing.

[Linda Maria]

Hi sisterofBPD!  So sorry to hear of your loss.  Can totally understand your trepidation regarding your sis.  With your children, given they are still quite young, do they really need to go?  If someone else could look after them, but they be involved in some other way, that would be one less thing to worry about.  My children were 7 and 11 when their grandmother passed away, and they didn't go to the actual funeral - I think it would have been too much for them.  Agree with everyone else's suggestions - just keep your distance and maintain neutrality if anyone asks you awkward questions.  Good luck. 

[ViaCrusis1689]

Thank you!  I really hope she doesn't try to make a scene, it would be horrifying, but not surprising.  Another part of my concern is that my DDs 12&9 may be at some of the services (not sure yet, but my little one asked about it today).  She will do what she can to spend time with them there and telling them god knows what.  Judging by the things she'll say to my face, I cannot imagine what she would say when I'm out of earshot.  Not to mention she insulted both of my kids in her last email to me and everyone else, but she will still try to talk to them, been there, done that. Sigh.  Hopefully all of the anxiety is for nothing.

That would be an issue, trying to protect your DDs. I am not sure what you could do except to keep them with you at all times, which is difficult at a funeral home.

I don't like when kids are shielded from death, and my parents took me to funerals of my grandparents when I was quite young (8 the first time) but it was also out of necessity as it was out of town and everyone was at the funeral. But if your DDs were close to your cousin, I think they should go for closure. It is a difficult situation you are in, having to weigh the pros and cons of allowing them to attend the funeral.

My best to you.