How to motivate your pwBPD

[ColdEthyl]

One of the next things I would like to tackle is peeling my husband off of the couch. For over a year now, he hasn't worked. He doesn't shower often, he doesn't clean the house, or do anything but talk about being depressed and how much he hates himself for being useless. When I tell him he chooses to do nothing, he admits it but sort of avoids anything else about it by going back into how depressed he is.

He will complain about it weight (he's put on about 20lbs since he hasn't been working) and when I ask him what he would like to do about it, or offer him to come walking with me, etc etc... .nothing.

He complains about not showering. Seriously. He will complain about himself not showering.

He complains that he doesn't work or bring anything to the family. When I say well... .do something then... .I get nothing.

Obviously, my current method of trying to be supportive isn't working. I usually tell him he will when he's ready, I have faith in him, he can do it... etc.

I've read the article about the three faces of victims... .and I am hands down a caregiver. He's even called me that.

I have no earthly idea how to start trying to get him out of his funk. The longer this goes on... .the more often the rages seem to be coming in. His soical anxiety is getting to the point to where he wouldn't go to a government building without me going because he couldn't handle it. He almost threw up at the tax office when we had to go because he had to be in public.

It's clear I will have to be tough and firm with him... .but I don't know how to do that. I don't know the right words to say.

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[ColdEthyl]

I just realized my title should have been *motivate >.>  <.<  >.<

[EaglesJuju]

This is a tough situation ColdEthyl.  

It is vicious cycle when a pwBPD in a depressive state. Originally they are depressed, then the weight gain makes them more depressed, then they get even more depressed for "slipping up."  I completely understand, you want to be supportive, but being supportive is not working. Also, you do not want to sound like you are criticizing, because that ends up triggering your pwBPD.  It is a catch-22.

My bf has told me when he is in a depressed state even taking a shower is an accomplishment for him.

My bf tends to look to me for solutions, answers, and motivation. He does not directly suggest that or state it, but he thinks I am telepathic and I should just know.  I found being direct, honest, and firm helps motivate him. I add a bit of humor if he starts getting confrontational or about to lash out.

As silly as it sounds, starting with taking a shower would be the first step. When he was going through a funk, this was the first thing I brought up or motivated him with.  I said, "Baby, when was the last time you took a shower? I understand that you are tired, but taking a shower will wake you up. "  I used some humor then and said, "You don't want to be referred to as the 'smelly one' at work, do you?" He laughed and then took a shower.

I found "baby steps" are the best approach to motivating. Too many things all at once, seems to overwhelm my bf. He associates that as criticizing.  Once you get through the smaller things with minimal conflict, you can try motivating for larger things, such as working.

[ColdEthyl]

This is a tough situation ColdEthyl.  

It is vicious cycle when a pwBPD in a depressive state. Originally they are depressed, then the weight gain makes them more depressed, then they get even more depressed for "slipping up."  I completely understand, you want to be supportive, but being supportive is not working. Also, you do not want to sound like you are criticizing, because that ends up triggering your pwBPD.  It is a catch-22.

My bf has told me when he is in a depressed state even taking a shower is an accomplishment for him.

My bf tends to look to me for solutions, answers, and motivation. He does not directly suggest that or state it, but he thinks I am telepathic and I should just know.  I found being direct, honest, and firm helps motivate him. I add a bit of humor if he starts getting confrontational or about to lash out.

As silly as it sounds, starting with taking a shower would be the first step. When he was going through a funk, this was the first thing I brought up or motivated him with.  I said, "Baby, when was the last time you took a shower? I understand that you are tired, but taking a shower will wake you up. "  I used some humor then and said, "You don't want to be referred to as the 'smelly one' at work, do you?" He laughed and then took a shower.

I found "baby steps" are the best approach to motivating. Too many things all at once, seems to overwhelm my bf. He associates that as criticizing.  Once you get through the smaller things with minimal conflict, you can try motivating for larger things, such as working.

He's on disability for his BPD, I'm not terribly concerned about him working, but doing something around the home would be nice since I work full time. He's writing a book, and I am A-OK with him spending time doing that.

I don't wish to criticize him. I see what he does to himself... .suicidal thoughts, beating himself up everyday... .breaks my heart. I'm thinking about putting counseling out there for both of us, but I know he doesn't want to go /sigh

I think I could easily get him to shower when he says something about that, but the rest of it... .I just don't know how to combat his inner loathing. I always says something like... .I understand that's how you feel, but this is what I see and how I feel. I don't know if that is helping or not.

[EaglesJuju]

He's on disability for his BPD, I'm not terribly concerned about him working, but doing something around the home would be nice since I work full time. He's writing a book, and I am A-OK with him spending time doing that.

I don't wish to criticize him. I see what he does to himself... .suicidal thoughts, beating himself up everyday... .breaks my heart. I'm thinking about putting counseling out there for both of us, but I know he doesn't want to go /sigh

I think I could easily get him to shower when he says something about that, but the rest of it... .I just don't know how to combat his inner loathing. I always says something like... .I understand that's how you feel, but this is what I see and how I feel. I don't know if that is helping or not.

Perhaps you can ask him about his book and encourage him?

Suicidal thoughts are really tough to cope with.    Does he have problems with self-harming?

I have had no luck with helping with the inner self-loathing. I think that is something that we really cannot help with unfortunately. I can temporarily help with the self-loathing through validation and SET, but it never seemed to stick. It is that inherent belief or thought process of being "bad" or "undeserving" that some pwBPD have engrained in them.  Therapy has been the only consistent help for bf with his self-loathing.

Have you suggested counseling before?

[ColdEthyl]

He's on disability for his BPD, I'm not terribly concerned about him working, but doing something around the home would be nice since I work full time. He's writing a book, and I am A-OK with him spending time doing that.

I don't wish to criticize him. I see what he does to himself... .suicidal thoughts, beating himself up everyday... .breaks my heart. I'm thinking about putting counseling out there for both of us, but I know he doesn't want to go /sigh

I think I could easily get him to shower when he says something about that, but the rest of it... .I just don't know how to combat his inner loathing. I always says something like... .I understand that's how you feel, but this is what I see and how I feel. I don't know if that is helping or not.

Perhaps you can ask him about his book and encourage him?

Suicidal thoughts are really tough to cope with.    Does he have problems with self-harming?

I have had no luck with helping with the inner self-loathing. I think that is something that we really cannot help with unfortunately. I can temporarily help with the self-loathing through validation and SET, but it never seemed to stick. It is that inherent belief or thought process of being "bad" or "undeserving" that some pwBPD have engrained in them.  Therapy has been the only consistent help for bf with his self-loathing.

Have you suggested counseling before?

I have. I even found his old T his always talked about liking a lot when he was going through his seasonal depression. He had seen her when his ex-gf died suddenly about 9 years ago. I gave him all of her info and I spoke to her... .but he won't do it. He doesn't do self-harming, but he always talks about he should get a life insurance policy so he can leave us something and finally be of use to me (I don't bother getting into the fact that life insurance won't pay for suicide)

He rationalizes not going by saying he knows he has issues, but he likes how his brain works. When he was on medication before he said he felt like he was in a constant drugged haze. I will tell you both he and his mother are very sensitive to medication... .he cannot take muscle relaxers, any sort of painkillers other than ibuprofen, and even mild anti-anxiety medication like Vistaril knocks him out.

He then usually will go into he believes he thinks the way he does because he's built for an apocalyptic scenario. He's a hunter, a fisher, survivalist... .etc etc

I ask him about his book all the time, he said he's stuck because he ends up wanting to change things, and he thinks it's just not good enough. He won't let me read any of it yet, but he talks to me about the plot and everything quite a bit.'

I know the flat out problem is the self-loathing. But what of the laziness? Is it because of the depression and such? Or am I enabling somehow? If I am... .I want to stop doing it.

[EaglesJuju]

I have. I even found his old T his always talked about liking a lot when he was going through his seasonal depression. He had seen her when his ex-gf died suddenly about 9 years ago. I gave him all of her info and I spoke to her... .but he won't do it. He doesn't do self-harming, but he always talks about he should get a life insurance policy so he can leave us something and finally be of use to me (I don't bother getting into the fact that life insurance won't pay for suicide)

He rationalizes not going by saying he knows he has issues, but he likes how his brain works. When he was on medication before he said he felt like he was in a constant drugged haze. I will tell you both he and his mother are very sensitive to medication... .he cannot take muscle relaxers, any sort of painkillers other than ibuprofen, and even mild anti-anxiety medication like Vistaril knocks him out.

He then usually will go into he believes he thinks the way he does because he's built for an apocalyptic scenario. He's a hunter, a fisher, survivalist... .etc etc

I ask him about his book all the time, he said he's stuck because he ends up wanting to change things, and he thinks it's just not good enough. He won't let me read any of it yet, but he talks to me about the plot and everything quite a bit.'

I know the flat out problem is the self-loathing. But what of the laziness? Is it because of the depression and such? Or am I enabling somehow? If I am... .I want to stop doing it.

I think the laziness/lack of motivation is a byproduct of both depression and self-loathing. Both depression and a self-loathing feed off each other, and both feelings/emotions are intensified. From a pwBPD's perspective, the inner feelings of constant self-loathing, feeling miserable, and shame would be exhausting.   

Enabling can be either on not saying anything or "fixing" all of your pwBPD's problems. I found that pointing out or helping my pwBPD in the right direction was beneficial. It is a balance of being involved but not overly involved.

I think the discussion of the book is really good. I found that talking about something my pwBPD is interested in encourages him. Positive reinforcement tends to really help with motivation as well. 

[ColdEthyl]

I have. I even found his old T his always talked about liking a lot when he was going through his seasonal depression. He had seen her when his ex-gf died suddenly about 9 years ago. I gave him all of her info and I spoke to her... .but he won't do it. He doesn't do self-harming, but he always talks about he should get a life insurance policy so he can leave us something and finally be of use to me (I don't bother getting into the fact that life insurance won't pay for suicide)

He rationalizes not going by saying he knows he has issues, but he likes how his brain works. When he was on medication before he said he felt like he was in a constant drugged haze. I will tell you both he and his mother are very sensitive to medication... .he cannot take muscle relaxers, any sort of painkillers other than ibuprofen, and even mild anti-anxiety medication like Vistaril knocks him out.

He then usually will go into he believes he thinks the way he does because he's built for an apocalyptic scenario. He's a hunter, a fisher, survivalist... .etc etc

I ask him about his book all the time, he said he's stuck because he ends up wanting to change things, and he thinks it's just not good enough. He won't let me read any of it yet, but he talks to me about the plot and everything quite a bit.'

I know the flat out problem is the self-loathing. But what of the laziness? Is it because of the depression and such? Or am I enabling somehow? If I am... .I want to stop doing it.

I think the laziness/lack of motivation is a byproduct of both depression and self-loathing. Both depression and a self-loathing feed off each other, and both feelings/emotions are intensified. From a pwBPD's perspective, the inner feelings of constant self-loathing, feeling miserable, and shame would be exhausting.   

Enabling can be either on not saying anything or "fixing" all of your pwBPD's problems. I found that pointing out or helping my pwBPD in the right direction was beneficial. It is a balance of being involved but not overly involved.

I think the discussion of the book is really good. I found that talking about something my pwBPD is interested in encourages him. Positive reinforcement tends to really help with motivation as well. 

*nods* Ok. Ok... .that's what I do. I don't ever yell at him or say anything about what I'd like him to do. I learned a long time ago he just digs his heels in.

Sometimes he will say something like... ."I'm going to clean up the backyard today." And I say if you get around to doing that, I would be very pleased. He doesn't do it, though. I wonder if I should try to say something else.

It's like he wants to do all of these things... .but he just can't break out of the shell. He talks about what he wants to do, how he wants to be involved, but it's too terrifying to him because he doesn't want to 'fail'.

[EaglesJuju]

Sometimes he will say something like... ."I'm going to clean up the backyard today." And I say if you get around to doing that, I would be very pleased. He doesn't do it, though. I wonder if I should try to say something else.

I would rephrase the response to something like, "That sounds great, the backyard really needs to be cleaned up. Cleaning up the backyard would really help me out. Thank you." 

Saying, "if you get around to it" is vague and can be interpreted as: you do not think he is actually going to do it or it is not important etc.

Responding in a clear/direct manner really helps with the mixed messages and mindreading. Also, it gives him a little push of motivation and encouragement.

It's like he wants to do all of these things... .but he just can't break out of the shell. He talks about what he wants to do, how he wants to be involved, but it's too terrifying to him because he doesn't want to 'fail'.

Is there anything in particular that he wants to do that he is afraid of failing at? 

[ColdEthyl]

Sometimes he will say something like... ."I'm going to clean up the backyard today." And I say if you get around to doing that, I would be very pleased. He doesn't do it, though. I wonder if I should try to say something else.

I would rephrase the response to something like, "That sounds great, the backyard really needs to be cleaned up. Cleaning up the backyard would really help me out. Thank you." 

Saying, "if you get around to it" is vague and can be interpreted as: you do not think he is actually going to do it or it is not important etc.

Responding in a clear/direct manner really helps with the mixed messages and mindreading. Also, it gives him a little push of motivation and encouragement.

It's like he wants to do all of these things... .but he just can't break out of the shell. He talks about what he wants to do, how he wants to be involved, but it's too terrifying to him because he doesn't want to 'fail'.

Is there anything in particular that he wants to do that he is afraid of failing at? 

OK... .I see what you mean about being vague. I guess I am saying it like I don't believe it... .because most of the time he doesn't follow through. I forget how tuned in pwBPD are... .he catches things in my tone/wording before i even realize it. blargh!

He's afraid of failing at everything, but the biggest one is getting more involved with the kids. I have a D14 and S10 from a previous marriage. He has raised children, and gives me great advice but if they do something while I am at work, he waits for me to get home and tell me about it, but won't actively do anything himself. He said he doesn't want 'to be the bad guy'. After reading what some folks have gone through on these boards... .I think I'm ok with handling that side of child rearing myself.

He gets anxious about that and not spending more time with them. But, when ever we do family activities, he opts not to participate most of the time. I go do them anyways because I'm going to have fun with them regardless. The kids will ask why he doesn't go, or why he doesn't want to play the board game, etc and that's where it's tough.

I have explained to them that he's got some mental issues. They understand this because my brother is paranoid schizophrenic, and they have seen some of his behaviors. They understand he has social anxiety sometimes and it's just gets to be too much. The at-home activities though like board games, making cookies, watching a movie... .those are the ones that are harder to explain. He will hide in the bedroom and read his political blogs on the Internet. I want him to participate more... .but I understand it probably won't happen.

[EaglesJuju]

He's afraid of failing at everything, but the biggest one is getting more involved with the kids. I have a D14 and S10 from a previous marriage. He has raised children, and gives me great advice but if they do something while I am at work, he waits for me to get home and tell me about it, but won't actively do anything himself. He said he doesn't want 'to be the bad guy'. After reading what some folks have gone through on these boards... .I think I'm ok with handling that side of child rearing myself.

He gets anxious about that and not spending more time with them. But, when ever we do family activities, he opts not to participate most of the time. I go do them anyways because I'm going to have fun with them regardless. The kids will ask why he doesn't go, or why he doesn't want to play the board game, etc and that's where it's tough.

I have explained to them that he's got some mental issues. They understand this because my brother is paranoid schizophrenic, and they have seen some of his behaviors. They understand he has social anxiety sometimes and it's just gets to be too much. The at-home activities though like board games, making cookies, watching a movie... .those are the ones that are harder to explain. He will hide in the bedroom and read his political blogs on the Internet. I want him to participate more... .but I understand it probably won't happen.

I understand how his social anxiety can really make things tough. 

Have you tried integrating his hobbies or things he likes doing with family activities?  Maybe suggesting going fishing?

[ColdEthyl]

He's afraid of failing at everything, but the biggest one is getting more involved with the kids. I have a D14 and S10 from a previous marriage. He has raised children, and gives me great advice but if they do something while I am at work, he waits for me to get home and tell me about it, but won't actively do anything himself. He said he doesn't want 'to be the bad guy'. After reading what some folks have gone through on these boards... .I think I'm ok with handling that side of child rearing myself.

He gets anxious about that and not spending more time with them. But, when ever we do family activities, he opts not to participate most of the time. I go do them anyways because I'm going to have fun with them regardless. The kids will ask why he doesn't go, or why he doesn't want to play the board game, etc and that's where it's tough.

I have explained to them that he's got some mental issues. They understand this because my brother is paranoid schizophrenic, and they have seen some of his behaviors. They understand he has social anxiety sometimes and it's just gets to be too much. The at-home activities though like board games, making cookies, watching a movie... .those are the ones that are harder to explain. He will hide in the bedroom and read his political blogs on the Internet. I want him to participate more... .but I understand it probably won't happen.

I understand how his social anxiety can really make things tough. 

Have you tried integrating his hobbies or things he likes doing with family activities?  Maybe suggesting going fishing?

We are discussing a camping trip with the kids which would include fishing. He is more likely to do things that interests him, but he still is more likely to want to do things with just me. For instance the camping trip he says he wants to do 2, but the first one just us. We have taken the kids out hiking, camping, etc with pretty good results.

He always has a good time when we go out. My kids are great. They are well behaved, funny, caring... .he's never lost his temper with them, has never raged in front of them, never had any sort of unpleasant episode... so I guess that's why I'm stumped. His own anxiety and fears is what's feeding his reluctance. Maybe I should just say that the next time they ask.