Hello for the first time

[Parents! Get help here!]

I have an 18 year old daughter with BPD and I'm trying not  to let it take over my life. My husband and I have been dealing with her mental health issues since she was in 8th grade. She's been in multiple day treatment programs and one hospitalization before 18. She had her first adult hospitalization 1 month ago and we were not impressed. She has a psychiatrist, psychotherapist and is on meds but is not really engaged in getting better. My husband is the "good guy"" and me "bad" , because she lives with us I want to know where she is going and with whom. She is doing a good job splitting us.
Help!

[KAJ04]

I have an 18 year old daughter with BPD and I'm trying not  to let it take over my life. My husband and I have been dealing with her mental health issues since she was in 8th grade. She's been in multiple day treatment programs and one hospitalization before 18. She had her first adult hospitalization 1 month ago and we were not impressed. She has a psychiatrist, psychotherapist and is on meds but is not really engaged in getting better. My husband is the "good guy"" and me "bad" , because she lives with us I want to know where she is going and with whom. She is doing a good job splitting us.
Help!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Gorges]

I am sorry to hear what is going on and I have been there.  I agree with you wanting to know where and with whom especially when she has been emotionally immature, but sometimes when we try to hard to control it leads to more rebellion, especially when you and your husband aren't on the same page.  Have you and your husband tried working together to negotiate the "rules and consequences".  My husband and I did this with a very skilled therapist and it helped.  However, first we tried with a not so skilled therapist and that made things worse.  I ended up giving up to my husband as I was getting physically sick from the whole thing and realized that I would not be effective if I didn't have his support.   My daughter got even more out of control, but it was on my husband, not me, and he became the bad guy.   It is a very hard road and I would recommend help for you and your husband to manage and cope with this situation.

[Huat]

Hello KAJ04 and I'm glad you found us.

I am so sorry you are going through this and I echo a lot of what Gorges has already said.  It is difficult dealing with a child who exhibits BPD behaviours, especially when that child picks one parent (seems usually the mother) to be the "bad one." 

Our 55+ year marriage has been tested many times because my husband couldn't understand why I just didn't let all just roll-off-my back.  Easy to say when you are not the one being targeted, huh? 

Thankfully we found a counsellor who was well-versed in BPD and she was able to point out to both my husband and myself what was happening in our family dynamics and helped get us both on the same page.  I strongly advise you seek out the same.  It is important to show you are a united front because, if you don't, that will be picked up quickly by your daughter and validate her actions.

It is important, too, to look after yourself.  You are your daughter's mother... .not her victim.  There is so much information on this site to get you started in making changes... .changes that only you can make. 

Hope to hear more from you, KAJ04.  You will see, by reading other's posts, that you are not alone.  Realizing that has helped me a lot.