Finally officially on this board...

[NewStart]

So it's official and I'm here and not looking back so please no "tools" to save please.

She laid out her desire to take my house, or buy another and she needs to know today. Then the FOG hook, I asked for it unless xyz... .then said get me an answer ASAP and BTW go home and make dinner for the kids I'm going to be out after work... .made arrangements with my ex to take my kids and texteded her back, nope I'm done so you should probably come home after work because I've got plans and boys will be with their mom through this process... .

Recieved guild storm of texts and said please stop I'm done with the games, sorry things didn't end differently... .she responded... .got it... .

I'm coming through the FOG...

NS

[Mutt]

Hi NS,

Your kids are going to go live with your ex while you separate? A pwBPD's lack impulse control and thoughts to consequences, my ex and I threatened to break up countless times, I think that many members went through it too, it was a long process until the final break-up. We're here for you, are you frustrated at this point? Have you had many break-up / make-up cycles?

[NewStart]

Mutt,
We haven't had a to the brink break up make up stage... .sure there have been the rage and silent treatment phases with make up phase, the threats of separation phase but this one hit and she pushed it to the edge of the cliff and I said ok let's jump... .family, friends and neighbors all in the loop now.

Well you all probably guessed it... .she woke up this morning and then came tears, we can't do this, oh my god I realize now what I have here... .we talked for about an hour and she finally came around to knowing she is damaged... .that her thinking isn't right... .that she needs to seek the proper help... .that she thinks of things that she knows aren't real but for some reason she can't let go of the thoughts... .

NS

[Mutt]

Hi NS,

How do you feel about friends and family drawn into this? Do you feel like there's unnecessary  drama and tension? Have you thought about emotionally detaching and getting prepared to leave without involving her in your decision making process? Would that look less stressful for an exit strategy?  If you look at your honest feelings, are you doing this out of resentment?

[patientandclear]

So NS, are you heading back to another board now, in light of her self-scrutiny and regrets?

My abusive ex-H (not the man I usually post about here) made similar admissions and had similar regrets the couple of times I was in the process of literally separating from him because things were so awful and he said all kinds of stuff about what little regard he had for me ... .Then when I was leaving, suddenly, he values what we had, and needed me there while he made a serious attempt to get better, etc.

I stayed/returned. His serious attempts to get better lasted a matter of weeks.

As you acknowledge, her reaction was predictable. Are you changing your newly-set course because of it?

It's good that she sees she is broken and that her reactions aren't based in reality. But it's a far cry from that momentary insight at the point where you are effectively leaving her, to being able to fix the brokenness or reprogram her reactions. You can expect her to remain the same person with the same behaviors. Does that work for you?

[NewStart]

Mutt,

I think everyone involved makes it a gong show that it never needed to be, but she's always needed that validation for her behaviors.

Yeah, I'm thinking the only way to do this without being pulled back in will be to detach and go it alone. I could even feel that talking this morning, her trying to draw me back in, but I know her and she could decided to disappear by tomorrow... .

Am I doing this out of resentment... .sure part of me resents her, but a bigger part of me knows how much value I have and I'm done being devalued.

NS

[SoMadSoSad]

Am I doing this out of resentment... .sure part of me resents her, but a bigger part of me knows how much value I have and I'm done being devalued.

NS

You give me and others like me strength.

[NewStart]

PAC,

No I'm not prepared to live with the same person and with the same behaviors and from what I understand it would take a lifetime of treatment to correct her behaviors... .

NS

[NewStart]

SMSS,

Two way street, being here and knowing that it really is real... .anyone going through this deserves better.

[NewStart]

So I dropped the mic and finally said, nope I am done... .she came with tears this morning, she realizes yada yada... .text all morning... .wants to meet for lunch as she's realized something... .she tries more tears a little ownership and then I say we still need to throw all the hard conversations on the table and resolve long standing issues... .we scratch the surface... .no more tears... .I can see the anger in her eyes... .yeah, rinse repeat, it will never change... .shame

NS

[Lucky Jim]

Hey NS, Where are you at, in your mind?  Here on Detaching, or on the fence Deciding/Conflicted?  It's unclear to me from your posts.  Either way, many of us have been there before you, so you are not alone in this process.  Let's just say that what you have posted is quite familiar to me!

LuckyJim

[Skip]

NewStart, every time you two have a fight, one of you is "done". You then come here (Detaching) to get validated that she is the broken one.

It's the Karpman Drama Triangle. You're casting us as rescuers. It's polarizing the divide in your family.
https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

Don't use the board this way. I say that for you (not for anyone else, we'll all survive   ). And as I've said before, no one is trying to tell you to stay or leave, just to process what you are going through in a healthy way.

I get that you are frustrated. That's why you do this. Many of us have gotten caught in this cycle. These relationships are breeding grounds for this. You are now a big part of the wash-rinse-repeat. Try to see that. We're trying to throw you a life line.

So I dropped the mic and finally said, nope I am done... .she came with tears this morning, she realizes yada yada... .text all morning... .wants to meet for lunch as she's realized something... .she tries more tears a little ownership and then I say we still need to throw all the hard conversations on the table and resolve long standing issues... .we scratch the surface... .no more tears... .I can see the anger in her eyes... .yeah, rinse repeat, it will never change... .shame

This is doesn't sound like someone with a house full of children getting ready to file for divorce. This is drama and fighting.

This is bad for the kids. Really bad. Its bad for your wife - she's a mess and this environment is only going to make it worse. It's bad for you... .these things tend to be festering time bombs that blow up at the worst time.

Which sounds best to you? You are operating in number 1.

1. Do you want to fight until something blows up (e.g., affair, suicide, parental alienation , ghosting)? [Bouncing from Saving, Improving, Conflicted, Detaching Board based on the mood of the day]

2. Do you want to defuse the bomb, get some space, clear your head, and work through what is best for this large family? [Conflicted Board]

3. Do you want to calm matters and make a mature exit from the marriage that is least destructive to the children? [Conflicted and Family Law Board]