Recycle: she said she loves me. And hugged me. Took me in

[JohnG]

Yesterday I received about five calls from a Private number. I ignored four.  I answered at last. It was Ex. All friendly. Like nothing has happened in Six Weeks. Asking what I am up to? How I am? She asked me to come down to her new place in her old town. So she can show me her new rental home. And Play Chess, And read Poetry. And I can see my son in the morning. She was talking like nothing has happened in past six weeks.

I gave into temptation. I drove to her old town which is 100 km away. She took me to her new home. I parked a street away. First thing she said was "This is a new home. There has been no argument. No tear shed in this place. And that she want's to keep it holy. That she almost cleaned her skin off her hands washing and cleaning so no trace or skin flake or hair or memory of me was left.

Then she said she loves me. And hugged me. Took me in. I did not ask that she said she told me she had moved 1000 km away to different island. Thats what she said no me about 3-4 weeks back. I did not ask about her new play partner. I did not ask about head games. I kept straight face. She took me to her bedroom. We read sime poetry. Played a bit of chess.

She stripped off and was prancing around in GString. Looking all seductive. After a while she jumped in bed. And we lied there in the spooning position. Naked. But take Note no penetration sex. We both did not initiate it.

She said she almost feels like crying. That is feels loved. That this is so good. We slept.

Next morning i went early to sleep in my car. She did not want me to see her other four kids. When the other four kids left for school. She invited me back and i played with my son. It was good to see him after two weeks. It was a good experience. In the afternoon my son had a nap.

We went for a nap as well. That’s when it happened. We had sex. It was good. After that "she asked me remember how big BDSM party is coming up "She would like us to go separate. That she would like me to seek her out at the party. Give a rose to her. And then she ll hug me for a minute in front of the community. Remember she slandered me in the past. And the community is divided. I said may be. Then i took my son out to playground in afternoon as it was time for other kids to come home. Just now i dropped him home.

Now just waiting for her to call me back once other kids are asleep. At this stage my ab is to head back to my town in the morning. I am nervous. Typing this sitting in the car.

The photos she put up on BDSM site was a view from her this home. She had not moved to 1000 km away. She might have gone traveling or seeing a sugar daddy etc. But she is still here. I am confused. Terribly confused. I want to go back home tomorrow with good feelings. My intention tonight is not to ask her what she s been up to in six weeks. But just cuddle up and sleep. And leave tomorrow with good feelings. Guys please suggest. I know i deserve some criticism for going back.

Look forward to your replies.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[JohnG]

Have I acquired borderline traits for going back to her.Is this charming and if yes she has successfully reeled me in. She is still big in my mind. Am i just a guy in rotation. I feel like this circle will never break. I am not scared of closeness. And I still love her. Am in in for terrible hurt break. Even the worst than ones in past. She kept on saying. She wants to be my "good" friend. Hmmmmm. I am confused and have mixed feelings... .

[Skip]

She kept on saying. She wants to be my "good" friend. I am confused and have mixed feelings... .

As re-connections go, this is often how it happens. She is probably confused, too.

If you want to give this its best chance, you have to become the confident, strong guy you were when you first both met. If you are weak, confused, needy, or wanting to her to explain and apologize and reassure you, it won't go well.

Things may go well. They may stall. They may drift back. They may advance. It's going to be very uncertain and everything that happens will be a reaction to everything that is happening with you and her life.

Carving out how to be strong and interdependent (don't try to be what you were before right away - that relationship died). The best way to look at this as if you are starting a new relationship and embrace the uncertainty. Talk to us here. Learn the tools. Things need to be very different if its going to go beyond a brief fling.

Tall order I know.

[Hisaccount]

Tough spot and I will tell you I am waiting for my turn at your situation.

For me after the breakup I found out I had some issues to work on. I was not the person she met. I see that, I know what to fix.

You need to be a strong person, a Man she can look up to and trust. Strong moral compass. Once she looses that trust then you cannot help her when she is having an episode. Then things will spiral out of control again and you will live with her running away all over again.

For me I would say, I will fix this. Once I failed her then she no longer trusted me when I said I would fix this. Then I had no ability to calm her down when she needed it. I only aggravated her more.

It is a long tough road but one slip up and she will be running away again. You have to be perfect. You know there is no gray area with BPD

[JohnG]

@Skip : Thanks for letting me know where this thread was. And sorry for the blunder of posting it separately.bHard to type on phone. Lol

I have to become a strong person again. Seeing my son and spending so.much time with him.was rewarding experience. Seeing ex was good too. I felt alive again.

I did not question her at all about past six weeks. I did not question her about her new play partner status.

I do want to salvage this no matter how toxic. I have to be very strong. And rise up above jealousies and insecurities.

I don't feel like going to the BDSM party she ll be at. I feel like skipping that party. It will be hard for me to see her play with someone else. I dont know if she is intending to do that  or not. I want to rebuild. One brick at a time. Time and pressure
... time and pressure.

And i am driving back now. I am already missing her.

[JohnG]

I am not going to contact. Till she contacts again... Will wait.

[JohnG]

Update : while driving back I decided to have a nap in the car. Woke up half an hour later. Saw message that ex wants me to stay another night. Went back around 10 pm once all the kids were sleep. We saw the photos we took at the zoo etc.

She also kept bringing on the upcoming BDSM party. She wants me to meet there. But does not want to go together. Wants me to go seek her out at the party. I totally want to skip the damn party. I have not told that to her yet. I massaged her. We had sex and a few laughs.

After that she said to me she has a confession to make. " she went out for smoke. Came back turned the lights off... .Now comes the really scary part... .She said she messaged me four days ago from fake account not because she was missing me but because she was feeling intense hatred. She messaged me because she wants to see some good come out of  bad. Also that she wants to murder me. Some days she is so consumed with passion and hatred against me that all she can think of is murdering me.

I said why?
 
She said because of the past. She wants me to develop good bond between me and my son. But when I go  no contact and dont take any crap from her she feels i am ignoring my son. That’s when her murdering me fantasies begin. She said she might carry that out in another five years. That was creepy. Very creepy . She saying all that after inviting me to her new home. And having couple of good days. I was creeped out to the max. I said i care about my son and i love him. I promised to develop a strong bond with my son.

And that she is free individual  and lets see what lies in future and reassured her. I want to skip that bdsm party. Very heavy heavy thoughts on my mind. She also said to me that she is not a psycho. She just hates me with passion. And that she could not let go of hurt. That she wants me to be hurt and suffer. But also wants me to be happy and find love! Bloody hell. I am confused. Head spinning. Help guys.

[Skip]

That she wants me to be hurt and suffer. But also wants me to be happy and find love!

Don't be confused. She spelled it out very clearly. It sounds like this was a moment of complete candor.

People with BPD are impulsive (things pass) and they often feel emotions very intensely. She is describing the inverse side of the extreme positive feelings she has had for you.

This is the saving board so I'm not going to pass any judgement here:

1. If you don't go to the party, won't she hook up with someone else?

2. What are you personal values on what love is? Is homicidal ideation inside or outside of that definition (inside or outside of the boundary).

[JohnG]

Candor?

In what sense?

Does she still.has those intense feelings for me.

More calls.from her today regarding the party.
It is next saturday. She does not want to go to the party with me. She had painted me.black.

But she definitely wany me to come to the party and seek her out.

She also said she wants to leave the party with me. I.feel like skipping the party. I have a feeling she ll put on the show and prance and put on a pompus show. This is once a year thing.

My gut feeling is to.give this party a miss. Why does she wants to come home.with me.after the party.

Shall i let her go enjoy the party. Shall i skip the party? And then go after its finished and take her home?

Shall i say i have called from work. And skip the party. It would be hard for me to see her flirting around?

Or shall i go and stay away from her at the party.


No matter how much i love her. I do not want to be.murdered by her... .

Why does she wants me to be at party but not go to.party with me.hand in hand.

Is this a set up.
Terrible load on my brain today.  

[JohnG]

Six calls from her today.
All good and lovely.

Then a call just now at night. Telling me that she is suffering from the drop.

Asking me to apologise to her kids, to her mum to entire BDSM community?

Her tone was like she was.depressed and unfriendly.

She was the one who tried to annhilate me.with her compaign.

I listened to her . She said I wont hear from her any more. That i should text her when I feel like seeing my.son.

Why she's been.from loving to apologising to murdering to becoming cold again within three days... .

I am trying my best to stay cool. And emphathise. Am I doing the right thing?

[JohnG]

No contact today.

Looked at her profile.


She is back into flaunting muscular men.

I wonder what the heck last 3 nights were all about?

[JohnG]

Hurting again

[JohnG]

Seems like she is playing terrible sadistic games. I am hurting bad today.

[JohnG]

Can charming and discarding happen within three day?

Back in depression

[JohnG]

I am hurting bad guys. Seem like she successfully charmed and discarded me within three days. Not coping...

[JJacks0]

Hi John, how are you doing now?

Sorry that you've been having such a hard time. I can relate to being charmed and discarded very quickly.
At the end of my r/s, my ex did it within days as well, sometimes even within hours.

Are you still hoping to save this relationship?
I don't mean to pass judgement as far as your decision goes, but the homicidal ideation is definitely concerning... .obviously you know her best, and know the way in which she said it, but if it's true that's pretty alarming.

I'm sure you know that, but it stood out to me. Just my two cents.
Thought I'd check in & see how you're doing.

[littlehorse]

Hi John,

This is pretty serious stuff. She is seriously disturbed and seriously stuffing you around. I would advise you to take care of yourself, not get drawn back in. Why do you love her? Why do you want to go back? There doesn't seem much good there. If I were you I would be trying to get your son from her because he will probably be better off being brought up by you than her. But I would be clever about it and stealthy and win her trust and be soothing. But set boundaries. This murder thing is seriously psycho. If I said that to my ex I would have a RO against me. In my humble opinion you would be better off finding someone who respects you and doesn't have wild variations in mood.

[JohnG]

Three three days of togetherness was good. I felt alive again.

Was good to bond with my son.

Now I am back. I looked at her profile. She has added a another lover. Guy i beleive was in shadows since last year.

The pain I felt was gut wrenching. How can she do that. Three nights together. And as soon I come back she adds someone elae.


She held me in her arms third night. And said she is consumed by hatred against me
 She sits in a room and fhe hatred consumes her.

She plans to murder me. Now or in five years.


How can I have a son with her and be free in my city. Still show my face to BdSM cimmunity. How come I still have presecence and friends and respect in bDSM community.


She could not digest it.


She wanted me to say sorry to her mum, to her kids to the community...


What for?

When i.spent alll my resources on her and her family. She was the one who started the annhilation and court game. I answered with court and thwarted her attacks.

She wants me to seek her out at upcoming bdsm party.
My friends said just dont. It ia another game. She wants to show everyone at the party that "you are her stalker".

Dont go to party or if i went just stay away from her. Full stop.


She also said to me.that out of all her lovers i resemble her father the most.

Remember she was abused by her father when she was 3 years old.


I saw that new lover status on her profile. It tore my heart out. I was feeling good after three nights with her. And suddenly I see this.

I am breaking down. Running to bathroom every  20 minutes and crying.

This is hell on earth.
Hell unleashed by that beautiful.creature.


Please please i want to be.strong again.

She.has completely destroyed my confidence.


   

[JohnG]

I want someone to split my head open.

And put some sense of self respect and sense into me.

Life is hell.
I am.dragging like a zombie from an hour to hour.



Three years of this treacherous dance.

Why do I love her? Is this the masochist in me?

Am.I trauma bonded? She seems like having no difficulty moving from lover to lover.

I feel like I should not have gone to see her this past week. So much hope for three nights and then discarded. With humiliation. Now the new guy is up on her profile. As a lover.

A bigger guy with muscles and all. I am a personal trainer.

Is this a statement to me


It feels like my brain is on fire.
 I sit in daze for hours... .confounded and confused.

I tried to be my best for last three days. Did ahe think I was a doormat?

I am forgiving. I forgive. I try to see good in people. I trust people.

I open up to just anyone.

As i am typing this my eyes are moist. Life has come fulp circle...


 

[JohnG]

Never felt this type o torment before. It's like my heart is bleeding.

The pain I feel with every breath is immense.

After six weeks I was almost having a grip on myself. And now wham i am.back. I should not have gone back last week.

And the murder thing. Who says such a thing to their exes  

[Skip]

John,

You're venting - not really talking to anyone or asking questions. Slow down. Write your posts more thoughtfully.  Asking questions. It will help if you do.

Her: Your girl has said to you: she wants to be loved, and she wants to hurt you badly. Everything she is doing is supporting that statement. She is not connected to you in a healthy way right now.

You: Your in emotional crisis ad throwing yourself in front of a freight train.

Child: Your son is in the middle of this.

Before anything is going to get better in any direction, you need to get to a safe and balanced place and get a hold of yourself.

My suggestions are:

1. Call Lifeline Aotearoa and find out where you can go today to get a psych/meds evaluation. Do it today. You have dangerously high levels of anxiety/depression. You can't solve this is your current emotional state.

2. Tell your girlfriend that what she shared with you was really appreciated and you want to think about it for a few days - tell her you want to chat about it (give her a date 10 days out) when you will visit your son. Be very nice. Don't confess your feelings - just yourself some space without triggering her to fight.

3. Get off the BDSM website and Facebook for 10 days. Mark it on the calendar. Get yourself some space without triggering her to fight.

4. Post here. Tell us the story of your relationship from the beigining. Ask questions about experiences you too have had together (not the last month, but prior to that).

5. See if Lifeline Aotearoa can connect you with a therapist.

Get off the roller coaster and get centered. You need that right now.

[JohnG]

@Skip  : your reply is so much appreciated. I'll do all the things  that you said.

My full life story is here.

In three threads

The trail of destruction part 1
The trail of destruction part 2

And this thread... .

Please read them when you get time and let me know what you think.

She has said to me that "she thinks our baby was made to keep me in her life".

She thinks "she cannot digest that I am free  in another city and still welcome in the bdsm community".

She said "I very closely resemble the personality traits of her dad"

Note - She was abused sexually by her dad when she was 3 years old.

She said " she wants to be my friend. It triggers her bad when I say - I have said this in the past ( I dont want to be friends when she has so many lovers and sugardaddies. It hurts me terribly to be her freind. She does not like this and she said it triggers her so so bad".

She said " She cant let go of her hate for me. She wants to murder me in two years or five. That she failed to use the court system to annhilate me. That in desperation she ll sort me out herself". That she'll do the deed and pull the trigger".

Skip : please read the three threads and let me know what to do...

I'll ring the crisis line
Regards
J

[Skip]

@Skip  : your reply is so much appreciated. I'll do all the things  that you said.

Great.

My full life story is here. In three threads

The trail of destruction part 1
The trail of destruction part 2

I read it. My point is that very few members are engaging you... .try altering your posting style. Your story is compelling.

[JohnG]

@Skip : Thanks so much. Any more insight from reading the entire story?

[JohnG]

I tried to distract myself and practice mindfulness. Seems like nothing is working today. Have to grit my teeth not to contact her.

[JohnG]

The night is black and the forest has no end;
a million people thread it in a million ways.
We have trysts to keep in the darkness, but where
or with whom – of that we are unaware.
But we have this faith – that a lifetime’s bliss
will appear any minute, with a smile upon its lips.
Scents, touches, sounds, snatches of songs
brush us, pass us, give us delightful shocks.
Then peradventure there’s a flash of lightning:
whomever I see that instant I fall in love with.
I call that person and cry: `This life is blest!
for your sake such miles have I traversed!’
All those others who came close and moved off
in the darkness – I don’t know if they exist or not.

- Tagore


Just received this message from ex on bdsm site from her fake sock profile

[JohnG]

Tie your heart at night to mine, love,
and both will defeat the darkness
like twin drums beating in the forest
against the heavy wall of wet leaves.

Night crossing: black coal of dream
that cuts the thread of earthly orbs
with the punctuality of a headlong train
that pulls cold stone and shadow endlessly.

Love, because of it, tie me to a purer movement,
to the grip on life that beats in your breast,
with the wings of a submerged swan,

So that our dream might reply
to the sky’s questioning stars
with one key, one door closed to shadow.

Neruda


And now this friends. The above message. Please advice. Is she suffering from a drop. Sub drop? Shall i reply and engage with compassion?

Please advice

[JohnG]

More messages from fake profile. Shall I respond?

[JohnG]

I am tormented since last night.
Why is she still.sending me these Poems from her sock account.

Her Lover status with a guy she did photo shoot 7 months ago is killing me. It's been 24 hours.

I did respond yesterday saying " How she was? " How my son was?  And that she was suffering from drop two days ago. Is she ok?

She responded that everything is ok. Have a good night.

I did not ask about her lover status. Please guys advice. It's just killing me inside. Your advice will be appreciated...

[JohnG]

Tonight the feelings of helplessness are worst.
And I keep thinking why the hell is she contacting me.