sometimes the buttons are just pushed too far.

[Siul80]

Hello,
I’ve been with my wife for 4years and a half, since the beginning of the relationship we have been constantly arguing but I was never really able to understand the real cause of it, I was just never able to make my wife happy.
With time the things got worst, to a point where I’ve lost almos all my friends, specially girls friends, I don’t speak with my brother anymore and my wife acuses me of having affairs even with her own sister and her mother... .
Not much makes sens, I’m scare as hell, specially with all the violence that has been happening, sometimes I managed to remain calm but sometimes the buttons are just pushed too far and I lost control ... .I’m to a point that I don’t know what to do anymore.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Turkish]

What kind of violence has been happening?

[Jeffree]

Siul80,

Friends are rarely lost forever. Reach out to them, talk with them, reengage with them. I am sure they will understand and be there for you.

Speak with your brother. Tell him what's been happening.

Do not continue to isolate yourself from the people who are your allies.

It's time for you to take care of you.

J

[Pretty Woman]

Hi Siul80, Welcome to the BPD Family.

You are not alone, we are here to help.  How are you doing today? Have things calmed down a bit on your end? Please tell us more of your story.

-Pretty Woman

[Siul80]

I will try to be short, as there are too many things that have happened. (sorry if my English is not perfect, and sorry for the sob story)

So my history goes as follows :

SS (My wife)

So I started dating SS back in June 2013. The first fight I had was only a month after. The reason, is that one of my friends was my Ex that I dated for 7 years. That was my worst mistake I’ve ever made, because I’m pretty sure that this situation triggered the defense mechanism on SS. However, as soon as she told me to cut all type of contact with her, I did it right away and never talked to her anymore since then as I knew all the trouble it was going to cost. Now, up to this point 4.5 years after, she still talking about it, and she is been doing the same for all the situations that in a way she felt rejected or abandoned. I use to have healthy friendships, including girls, but now I only have 3 best friends that protect and fought over not to lose them, why? Because they are like my family, I’ve know them since 1996 however, it’s an ongoing fight that I don’t see then anymore like before, when I do, I’m always worry of what it’s going to happen after, I feel like in “alert mode” at one point, I’ve got so angry with my wife because when I came back from seeing my friend after 6 moths of not talking to them, she made me feel bad of why I picked up a place that we date together, and the fight escalated to a point that I had to call the cops because she was out of control ( throw dishes, pushes me, extreme yelling, insults like I’m a pussy, the worst she ever had, etc... ) I’ve come from a family where my dad was an alcoholic, I was bullied, and yell at, and I know that it caused a lot of anxiety and fears, and created a defense mechanism of stand up for myself for that type of violence, well….this clearly backfired me with SS, standing up for myself is not the way to do at all, it created more violence. I’ve got to a point I wasn’t myself anymore and I started to be violent! That killed my soul, and just by writing this lines, my tears are coming out…I spend 7 years with a girl before, and never, never, NEVER we used violence. So thinks go out of control, I started believing that I was the one having issues, with the constant verbal abuse I came to believe I was the one having issues, that I’m bipolar, that I’m violent, that I’m not a good guy. Unhealthy conversations like that last from 1 to 3 days, depending if we work the next day or not. No stopping conversations, I never experienced anything like this before, I’ve never though someone could hold up awake that much, but she does, its like being interrogated for hours of hours that I just can’t handle anymore and I explode. At the begging with too much anger, that I started the verbal abuse, followed by the physical abuse (I've never hit her) but I pushed her away to leave me alone as she uses to come next to my face to yell at me, or to push me back to the house when I want to leave… The big problem is that this happens only when we are at home, so its so hard for anyone to believe me because she puts another mask when she is with people. Clearly, I’m the bad one. She never remembers or she denies all the mean things she says to me before she pushes my buttons and I start behaving like her, then when I’m not myself anymore, she will only remember that, the bad behavior, all the mean things I said to her, and she will bring them back to me each week, and this is being happening for the past 4.5 years.

An example. In November 2016, I went for a lunch with my best friend (girl) because she was leaving the company (we work together) and it turns out that she is my best friends wife, so I've known her for 13 years now. Amway, I decide not to tell my wife because of the reactions, because I knew it was going to be a bid deal. Turns out that she went to my emails, and she found out that I went with her.
Now to her eyes, and a big liar, and that I cheated on her. She because her worst enemy and doesn’t want me to hang up with those friends anymore, but I just can’t
As I love this people, they’ve have always been there for me, they have always given me a hand. So the constant verbal abuse also made me believe that I’m not a honest person as I lie. The result of all that, of fear of the situation to be repeated, I just decided to distance myself from people, cut all possibility that can put me back on that situation again. No friends, no fights. I started living for her and stopped living for me. Result, unhappiness, anger and isolation started building in me, like a depression. The only think that keep me sane it’s my job I believe, and I still going to the gym. I pray a lot, and meditate, and do volunteering, it keeps me sane and brings me back to who I am.

However, I can’t keep going like this, it’s too much, I even start losing hair for someone that has a lot. So what I’m doing now, it’s in the best possible way, put my fear and anxieties away, and keep telling to myself is not me, so I stay calm, I ignore her bad behavior, even if is too hard to do so, last Tuesday, she scream at me, 4 times, next to my ear, but I kept my calm, I didn't react to that, I prayed inside me, then the storm stopped.

The big plus I have now, It’s my wife’s family, I decided to come out, to the only person I can trust about this, her Mom, I didn't want to, I was scared to hell but I did it. And it seems to work, they decided to support me, we are doing this behind her back because we all know her reactions I have their support, and next week I’m going to see a therapist, to seek help (by the way I’ve been seeing a psychologic for 4 years now) because I have a strong feeling that my wife has Borderline Personality (BP) it can’t be normal, as I read the book stop waling on eggshells taking your life back… I realize that she may have, but I’m not a doctor, and up to this point we (her family and I) don’t know how to convince her to go see a doctor and get a diagnose, because she doesn't want to accept it, she thinks its all me, she thinks I’m the one that its sick. I don’t know how long I can handle this.

I know must of you must think, leave leave, but I just can’t sorry If I may sound stupid to your eyes, but I don’t want leave, I wanna fight I want her to realize she has a problem, it can’t continue, because If is not me it will be someone else, I know that if she accepts to get help, things will go better, as when she doesn't triggers her (BP) behavior, that’s the person I love, that’s the person I care, that’s the person I want be with….

Thanks to those who took the time of reading

[Skip]

This might be a good starting point in terms of understanding what is going on in your marriage... .

We have an article and 45 minute video on our website that might be worth looking at when you have time:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/treatment-borderline-personality-disorder

Here is a 3 minute excerpt to look at about what I'm saying... .


Date: 2-2012Minutes: 3:35
Back From the Edge - Mini clip

[Skip]

The reason, is that (1) one of my friends was my Ex that I dated for 7 years. That was my worst mistake I’ve ever made, because I’m pretty sure that this situation triggered the defense mechanism on SS. However, as soon as she told me to cut all type of contact with her, I did it right away and never talked to her anymore since then as I knew all the trouble it was going to cost. Now, up to this point 4.5 years after, she still talking about it, and she is been doing the same for all the situations that in a way she felt rejected or abandoned.(2) I use to have healthy friendships, including girls, but now (3) I only have 3 best friends that protect and fought over not to lose them, why? Because they are like my family, I’ve know them since 1996 however, it’s an ongoing fight that I don’t see then anymore like before, when I do, I’m always worry of what it’s going to happen after

There are three parts of this... .

1. Most women would not like a 7 year relationship ex being in the picture. pwBPD over express emotions, but this is a legitimate request. You acted right to politely end it.

2. Having private opposite sex friends is generally not a good idea in a marriage. pwBPD over express emotions, but this is a legitimate request. I have some girl-friends. I still hang with them, but I so with my partner. She has connected with them. There is trust there. If I had a female friend and there and a 3 way (or 4 way, including her boyfriend) was not possible, I'd fade it out. What she is asking for is not excessive. How she is asking is what makes this problematic. I would try to bridge that.

3. Keeping other friend is very reasonable - important in fact. You are right to stand your ground here.  Are they private friends, our is she included?

I think a lot has to do with accepting her overexpressed (felt emotions) and not over-reacting back. Validate the valid and wait for a time of calm and ease into a constructive conversation of how to make her feel safe with your friends.

Does that make sense?

Yes, she is an emotional tornado. Being calm and understanding will help. Being a good listener will help. Fighting back and/or being a doormat will not help. Once you become a doormat, she will push more and more into your boundaries.

[Siul80]

Thank you very much for your replies,

Talking with the family, the solutions that we are targeting are

Next week I have an appointment with a therapist specialized in people living with someone that have mental illness, or  BPD

I have called the cops in the past, twice, so I can probably  contact them back and try to figure something out so they work with me and the family to convince her (like an intervention) seek a diagnosis. Because she doesn't want to accept it, she denies everything  and puts it all on me.

At this precise moment, she is not feeling well, she has like a depression behavior and accuses me of all the pain that she is feeling right now.

I told her that if she doesn't feel good, we are going to an hospital. That would be the perfect time for me to try to tell the doctor, but since we will be together it won’t be an easy task, as I know she will do everything to turn it back at me, and even convince the doctor that I’m the one with a  mental illness

But if anyone here has any type of advice for me on how to talk with her so she goes seek help, anything will be appreciated

[Skip]

I have called the cops in the past, twice, so I can probably  contact them back and try to figure something out so they work with me and the family to convince her (like an intervention) seek a diagnosis. Because she doesn't want to accept it, she denies everything  and puts it all on me.

I don't know of any cases, in 100,000 members, where a "you have BPD" intervention worked. It is asking someone who is very insecure and has low self esteem to see themselves as nuts and unable to know reality... .

It makes more sense to take a strong stand against violence... .that is clear to see and it is about behavior not her "defective" brain.

Seeing a licensed therapist with personality and mood disorder education is great. Who is the therapist?

[Siul80]

There are three parts of this... .

1. Most women would not like a 7 year relationship ex being in the picture. pwBPD over express emotions, but this is a legitimate request. You acted right to politely end it.

I accepted that It was not ok, and I'm responsible for that.

2. Having private opposite sex friends is generally not a good idea in a marriage.

you are totally right, I accept my mistakes and I know I damaged the relationship, but I stopped doing it, I realized the impact it had on my relationship. no more friends like that.

3. Keeping other friend is very reasonable - important in fact. You are right to stand your ground here.  Are they private friends, our is she included?
I tried to include her at fist, but she felt so rejected as she was expecting me to stay with her at all times, so it created fights, now she only gets along with 1 of my friends.

I addition, when I go out with my friends I have to tell her every single details of what happened with my them, and I better say the truth as it happens really often that after several months she asks me back about a specific even, and I have to tell the same thing that happened.

Being calm and understanding will help. Being a good listener will help.

This is true, when I listen it helps a lot, but the problem is no easy when the one way conversation lasts for more that 24h ... .
after she blames me that is because of me that she talks that much... .

[Tattered Heart]

I have called the cops in the past, twice, so I can probably  contact them back and try to figure something out so they work with me and the family to convince her (like an intervention) seek a diagnosis. Because she doesn't want to accept it, she denies everything  and puts it all on me.

What if she doesn't want to get a diagnosis? Whether she gets a diagnosis or not will not change her behavior. It doesn't even mean that she will get the help she needs. It doesn't mean that she will begin to treat you better or that she will stop getting upset.

At this precise moment, she is not feeling well, she has like a depression behavior and accuses me of all the pain that she is feeling right now.

I told her that if she doesn't feel good, we are going to an hospital. That would be the perfect time for me to try to tell the doctor,

Is she threatening to harm herself? Will a hospital treat her for just depression? In the United States most doctors would tell someone to set up an appt with their doctor for depression, unless they want to harm themselves.

Many times when someone arrives on this site, they are focused on their partner's behavior. Makes sense because it is their behavior that causes so many problems for us, makes us unhappy, hurts our feelings, etc. Over time, our hope is that members will begin to focus more on their own behavior and their response to their pwBPD. In doing this, the nonBPD partner begins to feel empowered, find peace and calmness during the storms, and learn to communicate in a way that helps them care for their pwBPD better. You can get a rundown in our workshop on The Dos and Don'ts of BPD Behavior

[Siul80]

Who is the therapist?

This is the website, (sorry its only available in french)
https://goo.gl/VXGCor
but its a mental institute located near Montreal, Canada

by the way, you are right about the intervention, as we already tried in the past and it din't go well... .

[Siul80]

Update :

So I managed to speak with my wife yesterday, and she agreed to come with me see a doctor. My big problem now is, I have no idea how to manage to ask the doctor to make a BP test so she can be diagnosed.

Any help or any suggestion will be greatly appreciated

Thank you!

[heartandwhole]

How are things going, Siul80?

heartandwhole

[Siul80]

So as explained in my last post, I went to the doctor yesterday with my wife. She was not saying anything related to her behaviour, but I know for a fact that I couldn't said anything in front of my wife. So what I did is that I when the doctor was taking my blood pressure I wrote on my cellphone " my wife needs a borderline diagnosis or something similar " the doctor looked at my eyes and she stopped everything she was doing, came back to her desk and print out some sort of reference and told my wife , I think you need to see a psychiatrist, because all the pain you are having doesn't look to be health related but a mental condition . I was really releif because my wife didn't take it bad. And at this point I need to see what I'm going to do so we take the appointment with the psychiatrist. I just hope she doesn't shange her mind... .Its hasn't been easy for me but it's a light for me , a little step forward

[heartandwhole]

That was kind of suspenseful, Siul80. I'm glad you have an appointment with the psychiatrist. Hearing it from the doctor instead of from you probably helped.

Keep us posted about how things develop.

Do you think she'll go?

[ortac77]

Hi Siul 80

I'm glad that you got an appointment with a psychiatrist, maybe they will confirm your suspected diagnosis and hopefully your wife will be able to access treatment.

Its a journey - my partner was diagnosed two years ago (he was originally being treated for bi-polar) - therapists for BPD can be hard to source but when help is found it can be great relief.

From my experience sometimes even when they are in treatment it is still hard, its a slow process and not a cure rather a way of learning more effective coping mechanisms, often 1 step forward 99.5% of a step backwards. It is good that you found your own therapist and that will help you but it is not an easy journey and i really hope things improve for you, keep us posted.

[Arrowfel]

Dear Siul80,

You have my total sympathy.  I wish my story wasn't a carbon copy of mine in many respects.  But unfortunately I know all about it.

My wife's psychiatrist (being treated "to help her cope with how difficult I am" began to suspect borderline when my wife became absolutely convinced that the happily married 68YO female friend I have known for the last 5 years and shares a similar abusive childhood to me.  We met through an online game and we are like brother and sister.  My friend was always very supportive of me and respectful of my wife.  But my wife was 10000% convinced that my friend was going to leave her husband and I would move from Australia to the USA to marry her.

There was absolutely no basis for my wife's suspicions but she forced me to "cut that internet nobody out of your life or our marriage is over".  The more I tried to talk to her and try and understand why she was absolutely convinced I would abandon her the more she escalated her demands.  I lasted 7 days of refusing to decide and finally caved but that didn't make her feel better.  Because I had made her wait so long.  So she mustn't be worth much to me. 

I hope that things improve for you.  But always make sure you are safe from physical harm.  It's not OK to be hurt by the person who says they love you.  But to be honest my wife elbowed me in the chest hard today because she thought I was going to talk to her about her childhood (before I had even started to talk she "knew"what I was going to say.)  So take my advice along with a grain of salt.  Since I am trying to figure out this whole thing myself still.

You are in no way alone.  And you don't deserve to be hurt and treated with disdain.

Arrow.

[Arrowfel]

So as explained in my last post, I went to the doctor yesterday with my wife. She was not saying anything related to her behaviour, but I know for a fact that I couldn't said anything in front of my wife. So what I did is that I when the doctor was taking my blood pressure I wrote on my cellphone " my wife needs a borderline diagnosis or something similar " the doctor looked at my eyes and she stopped everything she was doing, came back to her desk and print out some sort of reference and told my wife , I think you need to see a psychiatrist, because all the pain you are having doesn't look to be health related but a mental condition . I was really releif because my wife didn't take it bad. And at this point I need to see what I'm going to do so we take the appointment with the psychiatrist. I just hope she doesn't shange her mind... .Its hasn't been easy for me but it's a light for me , a little step forward

You were very brave to take such a big risk at the Dr's appointment.  Much respect for your bravery!

I really hope that your wife will accept treatment.  If she does you are many steps ahead of my situation.

[Siul80]

If I did that it's because I can't hold it anymore, my anxiety level it's just out of ordinary, and I feel like I will lose it If I don't do something. It's really not an easy situation. There is no a week since Ive been with here that I feel like a roller coaster , I the guilt feeling is kind of killing me slowly, the feeling that I'm responsible of her emotions its hard to manage, and I came to believe a lot of things making me be someone else, all the confidence I used to have it's almost all gone. The only things I have that It's making stand up, are my priers and the support I have from her family, but besides that the reality its her reality. I'm just tired... .and hurt ... .

[Siul80]

Update, it's 8:12pm . I went so see a specialist a few hours ago. They specialize to help people that live with people with mental health conditions . After my interview, and the way I explained it to her , she told me that definitely my wife has multiple aspect related to BP. Then she told me that I need to start taking care of myself , because I'm not gonna lie,  I feel devastated. So she told me the first thing you have to do is start putting limits. Slowly but start doing it. The main one are when she becomes physically and verbally violent. To tell her to stop if not I was going to go to a room and lock it, until she gets calmer. She warned me that this was not going to please her but with time she was going to stop abusing me. So as soon I came back home, she was really mad, she started yelling and me and I told her, please stop if not I'm going to lock myself out.she didn't listen so she kept doing it. And i locked myself in the bathroom. And the storm began, she started hitting the door son loud, she started screaming and threating ne, but I'm still not responding   to her behaviour even if she tells me I'm the worst. By the way, while I'm locked here I'm texting her family because they all supporting me in this . But God is not easy, I'm so scared right now. But I have to be strong ... .I'll keep you posted of how this went ... .

[heartandwhole]

Hi Siul80,

How are things going? I'm sorry to hear of your partner's reaction to your taking a time-out.

Perhaps you can ease into the new behaviors and let her know what you are going to do before doing it? That gives her time to see the steps that lead up to the new action that you are taking. It's common for the unwanted behavior to ramp up when your behavior changes, so this kind of shift in behavior on your side calls for patience and lots of self-care.

How are things going today?

heartandwhole

[Siul80]

So the weekend wasn't the best at all. It all started Friday night. I finished work from a 12 shift day. My wife came to pick me up so we can go back home. At the beginning she was calm, like the Wednesday's episode never happed, but I went along with it. Then once in the car, she started the blaming once again, but I told he in a calm way, like the other time, that I was not going to listen to her if she kept going like that, and that I was to keep putting the limits to the bad behavior. And once again, she didn't understand, she was talking over me, so I decided no to talk anymore, but she kept raising her voice following with insults (you are not a man, take your responsibilities, how you want to fix our relationship if you are always shutting me up... .) then at some point she told me, you see I waited for you until 9pm to drive you back home, and at that moment, I told her that I was very grateful that she did that, but she shut me down and kept insulting me. A few moments later, since I was still not talking, she told me to get out of the car. Note that I live in Montreal, and it's winter, the temperature on friday night was at -15 (about 5 F) but I guess that she didn't care putting me in danger as she left me walking outside. I felt devastated, but I kept my strength  and kept walking. At that point, I called her mom, she was really sad, she could't believe her daughter did that, on my end I had to walk like 30 minutes to get to the closes restaurant. Then from there I called a cab and I went to my in-laws spend the night. at some point during the night, my wife texted me and told me, even if your are not coming home, i just want you to know that I care and I hope  you're safe. I didn't answer, I was so mad that the BP is taking all this place in our lifes, in her life. the weekend passed by, she kept texting me some insults here and there, but I didn't answer, now I'm back home, and she is coming back in 1h. I don't know what to expect, I noticed that she took away all my clothes and put them in another room. I hope that she doesn't go violent again tonight when she is going to see me, because if so, I will have to leave again... .

[Turkish]

It's good that your in laws took you in.  This seems to be escalating,  or at least stuck at an impasse. Do you have a safety plan for the next time this goes awry? This will help:

https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety_first.pdf

What do you feel are your options here?